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A love craft: designing with courage

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A love craft: designing with courage

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Content A Love Craft: Designing with Courage
by
Cuahtemo Marquez
Bachelor of Arts
California State University, Long Beach 2015
Submitted in Partial Fulfillment of the Requirements
For the Degree of Master of Fine Arts in
Interactive Media and Game Design
School of Cinematic Arts
University of Southern California
August 2019
Accepted by:
Tracy Fullerton, Major Professor
Margaret Moser, Committee Member
Martzi Campos, Committee Member
Alejandro Quan-Madrid, Committee Member

iii
Table of Contents
iii
iv
v
vi
vii
1
Table of Contents
Dedication
Acknowledgments
Abstract
Preface
A Love Craft: Designing with Courage
Bibliography 11
iv
Dedication
To my family for giving me a foundation to build off of.
To my friends for healing with me. To my cats, you’re
the real MVP’s.
v
Acknowledgments
I’d like to thank my advisors. Margaret, thank you
for pushing me to go deeper. It was absolutely worth it.
Thank you, Martzi for counseling me and my anxiety.
Sometimes it’s just nice to know I’m not crazy. Alejandro,
thank you for challenging me. Your faith in me was
inspiring.
vi
Abstract
“A Love Craft” is a summation of both the academic
experience of making LoveCraft, a dating simulator, and the
spiritual and emotional work done during said process. At
the core of this document, is the argument that
vulnerability and courage are a game designer’s greatest
tools. And by using these tools, we can heal ourselves and
our communities.
vii
Preface
My name is Cuahtemo Marquez and I feel everything very
deeply. Arguably, I feel things too deeply. But I’m saying
this now because I think it’s important to establish a kind
of rapport with you, the reader, to be sure that what I’m
going to talk about will be received. I’m going to be
vulnerable with you and without consent, well, I think it’s
important to do this little handshake first.
When I was in middle school, a boy in my class - I
can’t remember his name, but I can remember his face: thin
from a growth spurt and greasy black hair- stole my left
glove from a pair of snow gloves that I just thought were
cool. I confronted him about it in between classes. When I
asked him where he got the glove, he lied. He said it was
his, a gift for his birthday. When I asked him why he only
had the left one, he told me it was because he left the
right one at home. He didn’t wear my left glove again. A
few weeks later, he stole something from my friend. I was
furious. I confronted him and told him that I would “kick
his ass” if he didn’t return the stolen item. The boy
immediately ran to our teacher and told her that I’d
viii
threatened him. Without a second thought, she gave me a
“tally”: these notes that were meant to be returned signed
by our parents explaining our undesirable behavior. I
returned home, completely silent. I was so deeply upset, I
didn’t even know how to express it. I kept it together on
the ride home with my dad. But when we stepped into the
house, I presented him with the tally and started sobbing
all over again. When he asked me what had happened, I told
him, choking through my tears. When I was done, my father
became very quiet. I thought he was angry with me so I
lowered my head and prepared to take my punishment. He
kneeled down and took me by the shoulders. I remember being
surprised at the feeling of his hands on me. My father
looked me in the eye and said, “If you let yourself get
this upset everytime someone does you wrong, you’re going
to have a hard life.” And then I started bawling because I
thought, “Oh no, I’m going to have a hard life.”
But that’s who I am. I explore the topics in this
essay because it’s hard. When I find a concept that scares
me, I sprint towards it. Professionally, socially,
spiritually, I look forward to the moments that break me.
Because that’s where I find who I am at my core.
1
A Love Craft: Designing with Courage
I believe reflection is the key to authentic design.
Design, as we know it, is perpetuated by the desire to
connect. But how can we effectively communicate and
connect with others when we do not know who we are, how we
communicate, and why. Because we’re born to connect, our
brains are wired to see patterns, recognize faces, find
voices in white noise, and so on. But to connect in a way
that requires authenticity -or at the very least, the
understanding of the gesticulations that simulate
authenticity- which requires one to be vulnerable, which
requires one to be courageous. When we design to show
ourselves, we have to reflect on why this piece, whether it
be a game or an interactive experience, is important to us.
This exercise can be painful but I find that through the
most painful blockages we are allowed to reap the greatest
reward. When we’re courageous enough to put our hearts in
our work, when we’re vulnerable enough to reflect our own
image out into the world, we validate others who may not
have the strength to bare their own hearts.
2
It began as queer inhumanism, which is the phenomenon
during which people experience dysphoria to such an extent
that they cease to feel human or begin to identify with the
non-human (Munoz). As the name implies, this phenomenon is
primarily observed in the LGBTQ community(Harris and
Holman). The practice of connecting with our bodies is one
that is valued in the community but conversations around
sex and sexuality are still just as challenging. There is
an idea that LGBTQ spaces are always discussing sex life in
healthy manners. But, sex-negativity is a global problem
and many queer-identifying folx are still highly
uncomfortable with participating in sexual activities
because of trauma, dysphoria, or discomfort(Sciortino).
There is a link between this queer inhumanism and
another phenomenon that spans our human history of falling
in love or lusting after the monstrous. From the Dream of
the Fisherman’s Wife to the Shape of Water, we have
hundreds of years of evidence that some people find the
monstrous quite attractive(Pasquesi). So, where is the line
between feeling monstrous and loving the monstrous? Or
rather, are the people who feel monstrous also attracted to
the monstrous? And is there a way to learn to love
ourselves by learning to love the parts we’re afraid of?
3
For queer and trans people in kink spaces, the regular
practice of making themselves feel more inhuman is common
across the country(Pasquesi).
A game about love, it followed that mechanically,
dating sims lent themselves the most to the subject. But
even outside of the monstrous, love as a whole often feels
like a kind of madness, much like the tales of hysteria
chronicled by H.P.Lovecraft. What is more unfathomable,
more disruptive than love? What warps our perception of
reality more than anything else? And what’s terrifying is
that we want it. We want to be swept off our feet to
romantic getaways. We want to meet dark, mysterious
strangers. We want to receive mixtapes and flowers and love
letters. We want the insanity.
These three concepts birthed my thesis project:
LoveCraft. Players take on the role of a young witch who
has been working at “Brujas and Broomsticks” for several
years. Your boss, Melodie, is leaving on vacation for the
first time in a hundred years, leaving you, the player, in
charge of the shop during the Festival of Changes. During
the game, players meet four specific characters, each based
off of a natural element, that are available to romance.
Mechanically, LoveCraft, used a card system that allowed
4
players to use cards by swiping up on their mobile device
and play cards on love interests. This interaction would
incite dialogue options that coordinate to the specific
card. For instance, the card named “The First of Fire” is
about physical affection and the first interaction in the
suit is usually flirting. So, if you play The First of Fire
on a character- say Tanesha, the love interest inspired by
earth- the player engages in a casual physical flirtation
with the love interest of their choice. At the time, I
wanted to use this game to discuss the experience of loving
someone who doesn’t love their body; someone whose
dysphoria prevents them from connecting fully.
During my first dive into the subject matter, I bought
books. I attended workshops. I signed up for seminars. I
analyzed movies. I even did tarot reading specifically to
research the journey of reconnecting with my body. All the
while not questioning why I couldn’t stand in front of a
mirror for too long. Conversing and philosophizing about
healing whilst covering old scars where I’d cut or clawed
at my own flesh. Championing vulnerability while dodging my
therapist’s calls and emails. I was running from something.
I didn’t know that at the time, but I did know that all
this research wasn’t moving my game or my paper along;
5
something about my process wasn’t connecting. I started
buying books not about theory but about practice. I didn’t
just observe during workshops, I participated. I read tarot
not for the practice itself but to reflect my thought and
feelings back to myself. In short, I started showing up and
I started being vulnerable. When I started using this
research time to engage in these rituals instead of just
recording them, the design felt more organic and I started
to see what I was running from.
In most environments the ability to bare our heart is
at great risk of being taken advantage of, especially for
people of color, women, and queer folx. On the other hand,
men and people of the masculine persuasion are openly
shamed for being vulnerable at all. Vulnerability is often
seen as a weakness. Admittedly, I’ve believed it was a
weakness as well for most of my life. But nothing could be
further from the truth. Brené Brown’s research centers
around vulnerability and shame. In her talks she argues
that happiness -the true joy of living- does not come
without being vulnerable. Furthermore, vulnerability,
according to Brown, does not come without courage. In her
words, “The only guarantee of entering the arena [of life]
is that you’re going to get your ass kicked.” Being
6

vulnerable means “letting ourselves be seen, truly seen”
and courage means “tell[ing] the story of who you are with
your whole heart”. Vulnerability can take many forms. It
could be speaking honestly with your development team about
your mental health. It could be telling your friend how
much they mean to you. But that also means taking
responsibility for your mistakes. It means acknowledging
when you’ve done harm. It means admitting when you’re
wrong.
For me, I had to be the most vulnerable when accepting
notes during playtesting. Because I’ve poured so much of my
soul into this game, I was afraid that by getting notes on
characters that I modeled after myself, or narrative
moments I had experienced in my life, I would feel that
those criticism were more about me than they were the
project. That by failing in this iteration of the design, I
had failed, in the broader sense, iterating on my self. I
struggled with this for the entirety of my time here at
USC. Living in a body that is black, brown, queer, and
feminine, I have had very few opportunities to fail and
learn from my failure in an even moderately safe
environment. I have consistently had to be flawless because
my chances of getting another opportunity are slim to none.
7
I like the way that Nicole Killian and Sarah Faith
Gottesdiener say it: “Increasingly, there is no space,
time, or money for failure - we must produce high quality
artifacts no matter what; we must communicate, respond
back, have intrepid ideas, on time, frequently, always, at
the cost of our reputation, social standing, and bank
account. [...] Yet still, some of us are privileged enough,
or crazy enough, or passionate enough to move forward into
the unknown creative journey. [...] It is important for us
all to remember that failure is part of the process no
matter how programmed we have been packaged for
perfection.” Design doesn’t happen without failure. We
stage playtests because, as game designers, we need to know
how we failed. Everybody who shows up to be seen, everybody
who speaks their truth, everyone who is authentic has
failed. If you’re not failing, you’re not being vulnerable.
If you’re not being vulnerable, how are you connecting and
communicating to reach your goal? For myself, the
difference between failing at USC and failing elsewhere was
that I was allowed the time, space, and sometimes guidance
to reflect.
Brown defines reflection as “the ability to hold
something we’ve done or failed to do up against who we want
8
to be.” Reflection is the practice that transforms our
mistakes into lessons. The ritual of reflection looks
different for everyone. For me, it’s conversation, either
with my tarot deck, my therapist, or my close friends.
Having the space and the privilege to work through my shame
and trauma was essential to me growing as a designer and as
a person. I was pleasantly surprised when I approached
people with my shame and the response I always got was,
“Me, too.” Which, I have to say, is the most incredible
feeling in the world. Being validated when we’re vulnerable
is key to completing the ritual of reflection.
To use an anecdote as an example: Rebecca Sugar, the
creator of the television show Steven Universe, came to
speak at a youth center near where I used to live in Long
Beach, CA. I realized when I saw her there, that I’d never
seen her face before. She was not much taller than me,
slender, with a dark curly pixie cut and sharp, narrow
eyes. I spoke with her, got her to draw me something and
sign it, but the moment that changed me was towards the end
of the event. Rebecca said she was going to sing a song
that wasn’t in the show yet. “It has to be a secret until
it comes out”, she said. We all respected her wishes. She
pulled out a ukulele and took a deep breath. When she
9
exhaled, I could hear a shake; this was hard for her. She
told a story about when she lived in New York struggling
with her gender and sexual identity, exacerbated by
people’s sometimes-violent responses to her struggle. She
was speaking at an LGBTQ youth center, so nobody in the
room didn’t know that struggle. She sang “Here Comes a
Thought”. As she sang, I could hear her voice crack, I saw
her tears plop on the surface of the uke. Her partner, Ian
- a man almost twice her size- sat next to her silently
crying too. When I looked around me, I realized there
wasn’t a dry eye in the house. She was showing us her
heart, and it connected seamlessly. I knew then that no one
could sing this song like Rebecca. No one could make
LoveCraft but me.
This memory, that sentiment has been the driving force
behind all of my work. When we know who we are as
designers, when we know who we are as human beings, it’s
easier to connect because we can more easily reflect back
to others. We can recognize when others are struggling. We
are able to design from a grounded, honest, and vulnerable
place. Because designing authentically is what makes our
pieces impactful. When we’re able to tell our own stories
in their fullness, when we design with courage, we offer a
10
space for our audience to see a reflection of themselves
through us. Pushing to have our audiences know themselves
through knowing us is a gift that interactive platforms
could give in full. Brenda Romero’s work in The Mechanic is
the Message proves that our audiences are prepared to play
through difficult subjects. Not only that but when they do,
the ritual of reflection allows them to leave the play
space more aware and more sympathetic.
In all honesty, this ritual and dedicating the time
and energy to regularly practicing reflection,
vulnerability, and courage are not for the weak of heart.
It can be painful in ways that we’ve never felt or
understood before. Brown encourages designers to “put on
their galoshes” and tread into the parts of our emotional
selves we shy away from. Because when we return from the
depths of our emotional selves, our hearts, we return as
more effective designers and more whole human beings.
1 1
Bibliography
Angeles, Ly de. Witchcraft: Theory and Practice. Llewellyn
Publications, 2000.
Blackman, Lisa. Loving the Alien: A Post-Post-Human
Manifesto. Brown, Brené. Daring Greatly: How the Courage to
Be Vulnerable
Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead.
Penguin, 2015.
Brown, Brené. The Power of Vulnerability: Teachings on
Authenticity, Connection and Courage. 1 edition, Sounds
True, 2012.
Brumberg, Joan Jacobs. The Body Project: An Intimate History of
American Girls. 1 edition, Random House, 1997.
Cuccia, Vanessa. Crystal Healing and Sacred Pleasure: Awaken
Your Sensual Energy Using Crystals and Healing Rituals, One
Chakra at a Time. Fair Winds Press, 2018.
Freeing Ourselves: A Guide to Health and Self Love for Brown
Bois. Brown Bois Project, 2011.
Gladstone, Brooke, and Josh Neufeld. The Influencing Machine:
Brooke Gladstone on the Media. First Edition, W. W. Norton
& Company, 2011.
Haraway. Simians Cyborgs & Women Cl. Other, 1990.
1 2
Harris, Anne, and Stacy Holman. “Monster, Desire, and the
Creative Queer Body.” Continuum: Journal of Media &
Cultural Studies, vol. 30, no. 5, pp. 518–30.
Listening to Shame | Brené Brown - YouTube.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=psN1DORYYV0. Accessed 24
Mar. 2018.
Loewe, Emma, and Lindsay Kellner. The Spirit Almanac: A Modern
Guide to Ancient Self-Care. First Edition, Tarcher Perigee,
2018.
---. The Spirit Almanac: A Modern Guide to Ancient Self-Care.
First Edition, Tarcher Perigee, 2018.
Lorde, Audre. Uses for the Erotic: The Erotic as Power.
Lorde, Audre, and Cheryl Clarke. Sister Outsider: Essays and
Speeches. Reprint edition, Crossing Press, 2007.
Lovecraft, H. P. H.P. Lovecraft. Edited by S. T. Joshi, 1st
edition, Centipede Press, 2014.
Munoz. Theorizing Queer Inhumanisms: The Sense of Brownness.
Muscio, Inga. Cunt, 20th Anniversary Edition: A Declaration of
Independence. 3 edition, Seal Press, 2018.
Pasquesi, Carina. “Of Monsters, Creatures, and Other Queer
Becomings.” Journal of the Midwest Modern Language
Association, vol. 47, no. 1, pp. 119–25.
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Saxena, Jaya, and Jess Zimmerman. Basic Witches: How to Summon
Success, Banish Drama, and Raise Hell with Your Coven.
Quirk Books, 2017.
Sciortino, Karley. Slutever: Dispatches from a Sexually
Autonomous Woman in a Post-Shame World. Grand Central
Publishing, 2018.
Smith, Linda Tuhiwai. Decolonizing Methodologies: Research and
Indigenous Peoples. Second Edition, Revised Edition,2nd
edition, Zed Books, 2012.
Sollee, Kristen J. Witches, Sluts, Feminists: Conjuring the Sex
Positive. ThreeL Media, 2017.
“Tarot Card Meanings List - 78 Cards by Suit, Element, and
Zodiac.” Labyrinthos, https://labyrinthos.co/blogs/tarot-
card-meanings-list. Accessed 24 Mar. 2019.
The Power of Vulnerability | Brené Brown - YouTube.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCvmsMzlF7o. Accessed 24
Mar. 2019.
Toro, Guillermo del, and Marc Zicree. Guillermo Del Toro
Cabinet of Curiosities: My Notebooks, Collections, and
Other Obsessions. First Edition, Harper Design, 2013.
White, Dusty, and Ryan C. Advanced Tarot Secrets. Edited by
Brenda Judy, 1 edition, CreateSpace Independent Publishing
Platform, 2013.
1 4
Women, Modern. Many Moons 2018 Vol 2: July-December. Many
Moons, 2018

Abstract (if available)

Abstract “A Love Craft” is a summation of both the academic experience of making LoveCraft, a dating simulator, and the spiritual and emotional work done during said process. At the core of this document, is the argument that vulnerability and courage are a game designer’s greatest tools. And by using these tools, we can heal ourselves and our communities.

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Asset Metadata

Creator Marquez, Cuahtemo (author)

Core Title A love craft: designing with courage

School School of Cinematic Arts

Degree Master of Fine Arts

Degree Program Interactive Media

Publication Date 07/30/2019

Defense Date 07/29/2019

Publisher University of Southern California (original), University of Southern California. Libraries (digital)

Tag Brené Brown,Courage,game design,LoveCraft,OAI-PMH Harvest,queer,trauma,vulnerability

Format application/pdf (imt)

Language English

Contributor Electronically uploaded by the author (provenance)

Advisor Campos, Martzi (committee member), Moser, Margaret (committee member), Quan-Madrid, Alejandro (committee member)

Creator Email bamarque@usc.edu,cuahtemo.marquez@gmail.com

Permanent Link (DOI) https://doi.org/10.25549/usctheses-c89-200212

Unique identifier UC11663126

Identifier etd-MarquezCua-7688.pdf (filename),usctheses-c89-200212 (legacy record id)

Legacy Identifier etd-MarquezCua-7688.pdf

Dmrecord 200212

Document Type Thesis

Format application/pdf (imt)

Rights Marquez, Cuahtemo

Type texts

Source University of Southern California (contributing entity), University of Southern California Dissertations and Theses (collection)

Access Conditions The author retains rights to his/her dissertation, thesis or other graduate work according to U.S. copyright law. Electronic access is being provided by the USC Libraries in agreement with the a...

Repository Name University of Southern California Digital Library

Repository Location USC Digital Library, University of Southern California, University Park Campus MC 2810, 3434 South Grand Avenue, 2nd Floor, Los Angeles, California 90089-2810, USA