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Accept yourself, respect yourself, love yourself: a film letter to myself

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ACCEPT YOURSELF, RESPECT YOURSELF, LOVE YOURSELF:
A FILM LETTER TO MYSELF

by

Xinru Qian

A Thesis Presented to the
FACULTY OF THE ROSKI SCHOOL OF ART AND DESIGN
UNIVERSITY OF SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA
In Partial Fulfillment of the
Requirements for the Degree
MASTER OF FINE ARTS
(DESIGN)

May 2022

Copyright 2022 Xinru Qian
ii
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
During the writing of this thesis, I want to express my appreciation for the help I received
from Professor Ewa Wojciak, Professor Jason Ellenburg, and Professor Osvaldo Trujillo, their
suggestions provided me with insight into the research process.
I also would like to thank my pet Momo for always supporting me and I am sorry I am
too busy to walk you these days. Mama loves you.

iii

TABLE OF CONTENTS
Acknowledgments........................................................................................................................... ii
List of Figures ................................................................................................................................ iv
Abstract ............................................................................................................................................v
Introduction ......................................................................................................................................1
Chapter 1: The Cube Test ................................................................................................................2
Empty Your Minds, and Now You Are In ...............................................................................2
Interpretation of the Cube .........................................................................................................3
Cube ..........................................................................................................................................4
Chapter 2: “I Love You” ..................................................................................................................5
2020 ..........................................................................................................................................5
I Love You, I Love You, Let Me Truly Love You ...................................................................7
Chapter 3: “I Am Okay” ................................................................................................................12
The Architecture of Heart .......................................................................................................12
How Are You? ........................................................................................................................16
Hero Myth...............................................................................................................................19
Chapter 4: “I” .................................................................................................................................21
Self-Value ...............................................................................................................................21
Find Yourself ..........................................................................................................................24

Conclusion .....................................................................................................................................28
Bibliography ..................................................................................................................................29

iv
List of Figures

1. Cube Test Result of A ..........................................................................................................3
2. Cube Test Result of B ..........................................................................................................3
3. Cube Test Result of C ..........................................................................................................3
4. One of My Instagram Posts in 2020 ....................................................................................6
5. Scene of Me Handwriting in “I Love You” ........................................................................7
6. Scene of the Fireworks in Disneyland on Dec 31
st
, 2019, Orlando, Florida in “I Love
You” ....................................................................................................................................8
7. Almost Transparent Blue by Ryū Murakami .......................................................................9
8. Frances Ha Directed by Noah Baumbach .........................................................................11
9. Scene of My Dish Rack in “I Am Okay” ..........................................................................12
10. Still of Save Directed by Tingting Yao ..............................................................................15
11. Still of Save Directed by Tingting Yao ..............................................................................15
12. Scene of Facetime Between Daughter and Mother in "I am Okay" ..................................17
13. Scene of Wiping Makeup in “I Am Okay” .......................................................................18
14. Scene of Bottles of Alcohol in “I Am Okay” ...................................................................19
15. Freezia’s Instagram Page Before .......................................................................................22
16. Freezia’s Instagram Page Now ..........................................................................................22
17. Scene of Polaroids on the Wall in “I” ...............................................................................25
18. Scene of the Character saying “I Lost Her” in “I” ............................................................26
19. Scene of the Character turning her face around in “I” ......................................................27

v
Abstract

Self-acceptance is the focus of my design practice. I believe that, only when you know
how to accept and love yourself, will you be able to know how to have a solid self-value and
other healthy relationships. Recently I have felt anxious and depressed because of a lot of
pressure and discovered that I had not a clue how to deal with what I was experiencing. In
sharing my feelings with others, I found that many of my friends felt the same way, also often
their anxiety came from an inability to accept themselves or even to like themselves the way they
are. As a designer and filmmaker, this topic inspired me to create narratives that reflect self-
doubt, self-conflict, and self-value.
My research includes case studies of film, design, music, literature, and a series of short
videos to reflect my interpretation of self-acceptance. The first video is titled “I Love You”,
which records my personal 2020 experience, an unusual year with complicated emotions. The
second video is titled “I Am Okay”. This project is about a girl who is experiencing a mental
breakdown but still pretends to be fine in front of her mom. The third video narrative is titled “I”;
its narrative explores losing oneself in social media and relationships as well as looking for the
real self under the mask. My goal is to create short films that improve awareness and
understanding of self-acceptance and to help myself and other people achieve our inner peace.

1
Introduction

There is a personality test called the Cube test. In this test, you need to imagine a field, a
cube, a ladder, horses, flowers, and hurricanes. While you depict the image, in some way you are
telling where you put yourself, family, and partner in your life and the relationships between you
and them. Everyone has their own image, but it’s also possible that we can find some hidden
information that you may not realize about yourself. It’s interesting to explore people’s
subconscious thinking in a visual way. The Cube test along with my interest in interpreting our
emotional thoughts and actions provide me with inspiration for my thesis work presented here.
I am a designer and filmmaker, but I also regard myself as a storyteller. I believe that
telling a story is one of the best forms for people to feel emotions and have empathy. At the same
time, design and film are the best platforms for me to tell the story. One of the most amazing
things about design is that there is unlimited space to create and visualize new ideas. Similarly,
films can include various elements such as visuals, sound, words, and narrative. This is also why
I chose to use short films to finish this project. When I start to think more seriously about the
contents and meaning of my stories, it becomes necessary for me to go deeper into understanding
self-acceptance through other different fields of study such as psychology, literature, music, and
art. Each field has its own language to present self-acceptance, which inspires me very much and
provides me with different perspectives to think about the concept. As a designer, I hope it could
be a visual journey for everyone to understand self-acceptance a little bit more and be aware of
correct self-esteem to get a healthy mental state.

2
Chapter 1: The Cube Test

Empty Your Minds, and Now You Are I n…
There are thousands of personality tests online. Though many of them don’t have strong
proof of being based on any research or evidence of being true, some still could be an interesting
way to interpret people’s subconscious, especially utilizing visual analysis. One of these tests is
called the Cube Personality Test, which was originally included in the book KOKOLOGY
written by Japanese psychologist Tadahiko Nagao in 2000.
1
Here is how the test works, try to
empty your mind and take a few minutes to experience it yourself. First, you need to imagine an
open field, no matter how it looks or how big or small. But once you have decided on it, you
cannot change it anymore. Then you need to imagine a cube, thinking about its appearance,
material, texture, size, hardness, floating in the air or standing on the ground, solid or hollow,
and everything else you can imagine in great detail. Next, a ladder. Think about where it is,
what’s the relative position to the box, what it is made of, how solid it is, etc.? Next, are there
horses there? How many? What do they look like? Where are they? Are there saddles or reins on
them? Then are there any flowers? How many? What color? Where are they? Finally, will there
be a hurricane or some other disaster? If yes, how far is it from the cube, what result will it bring
to the objects that are already there, or has it already passed? Everything becomes one image that
contains many hidden messages.

1
Tadahiko Nagao, Saitō Isamu, and Tadahiko Nagao, Kokology: The Game of Self-Discovery (Barnes & Noble Books, 2003).
3
Interpretation of Your Image
The field represents your mind. The cube represents yourself. In general, size stands for
your ego, surface stands for what you want people to think of you, hardness stands for your
determination, and position stands for flexibility. The ladder represents family, the horse
represents your partner, and the flowers represent children. I collected three examples and found
some interesting relations (I will use A, B, C to refer to each person in the following paper).

The three images are totally different, and there are two points of interest to me I want to
discuss. First is the size and position of each cube. Cube A is floating in the center and takes
about one-ninth of the image, Cube B is on the bottom right corner and takes one-thousandth of
the image, and Cube C takes the whole image. Based on my understanding of each person, what
A and C did are reasonable, but B is surprising. In daily life, B has a very bright personality.
When I discussed it with B, she thought it made sense because she compromised a lot and gave
up many things in her life. When she wanted to be a K-Pop trainee in South Korea in high
school, her parents strongly disagreed, so she stayed at school and finished all her studies. Later
when choosing her university major, she still followed her parents’ decision and gave up what
she was interested in studying. What she wants others to see her as is someone bright and
colorful, but she is actually vulnerable and not determined inside. Meanwhile, she greatly
Figure 1. Cube Test Result of A Figure 2. Cube Test Result of B Figure 3. Cube Test Result of C
4
emphasizes that the person in the image is very far away from the cube, which can imply that she
doesn't like herself that way.
Secondly, the positions of the horses are very different. Horse A is near the cube, Horse
B is far away from the cube, and Horse C is inside the cube. Meanwhile, horse C is wearing a
saddle and resins, but A and B are not. Interestingly, A and C are a couple in reality, but the test
reflects two different attitudes towards each other. For A, it shows a more equal relationship, but
C indicates that there is more control over A. Another point is the quantity of the horses. A and B
both show one horse, but C chooses to have a group of horses. From my perspective, I explain it
as A and B have more simple expectations of their partner, but C seems to have more
complicated feelings about their relationship. Combining the whole image, we could find A and
C both have self-centered personalities, but C obviously has a much bigger ego, which could be
an explanation of why C wants more control and has more complicated feelings. When I asked A
what the horse was doing here, she said that the horse was waiting for her to come back, and that
they are having a long-distance relationship right now. However, from C’s perspective, he raises
these horses and provides protection to them, which could imply his responsibilities as well.

Cube
The test might just be entertainment, but it’s a good way for us to start thinking about
ourselves and our relationships. We all have a unique cube. Some of them may like it, some may
not; some stay far away from it, some even choose to live in it; some care about it as the most
important thing in the world, some want to throw it away. The cube could be understood as
different sides of ourselves: what we want others to think of ourselves, what we feel about
ourselves, and what we want to be. How we get a balance between the cube, the person, and even
5
the horse, ladder, flowers, and hurricane, everything can start with self-acceptance. There is not
one correct way to accept ourselves like there is no one correct answer for the test, but we are
supposed to discover how to have a healthy self-awareness.

Chapter 2: “I Love You ”

2020
Looking back to 2020, no one could tell that the pandemic was going to last till today.
During the first months of the pandemic, people were isolated, a lot of businesses were shut
down, and even cities and countries were locked down. Everything became abnormal suddenly,
but these days the abnormal life has already become a kind of new normal for now. However,
it’s a challenge for most people to get through all of this and many still have a hard time adapting
to the changes. Through KFF’s analysis, “during the pandemic, about 4 in 10 adults in the United
States have reported symptoms of anxiety or depressive disorder, a share that has been largely
consistent, up from 1 in 10 adults who reported these symptoms from January to June 2019.”
2

Personally, I felt confused and lost in finding the balance between myself and my life during this
time. As an international student, it’s been three years that I have not been home to see my
family. Also, compared to my friends who graduated college, travelled to different cities, and
were able to return to their family homes, my post-undergraduate experience was different. The
new school semester started remotely, and everything felt so unreal. During these days, I felt that
time flew by fast, and I did not even realize that it had already passed me by. Simultaneously

2
Rabah Kamal Nirmita Panchal and Feb 2021, “The Implications of COVID-19 for Mental Health and Substance Use,” KFF,
July 20, 2021, https://www.kff.org/coronavirus-covid-19/issue-brief/the-implications-of-covid-19-for-mental-health-and-
substance-use/.

6
time passed so slowly that I could clearly hear the sound of every second click by. Life was full
of conflicts. One second, I believed that I had gotten used to living alone and had been able to
deal with all my negative emotions. I had adapted well and found something to busy myself and
make life meaningful again. However, the next moment, the only thing I wanted to do was fly
back home to be with my family and friends. All these complicated emotions still took control of
me, and I realized that I had been sitting on the sofa staring at the ceiling all day long. Going
back and forth between these extremes made me tired and I start to doubt myself. These feelings
and experiences have inspired me to create the video named, “I Love You” to remember the
unusual 2020, and myself in 2020 who I didn’t really
like.
Figure 1. One of My Instagram Posts in 2020
7

I Love You, I Love You, Let Me Truly Love You
Rather than a work shown to the public, I regard this video as a letter to myself. Different
from other projects that required a long preparation time, this video only took me one day to
complete. The copywriting, voice-over, and editing where all done quickly. This was partially
because almost every clip that I used was from my phone’s albums. Everything clearly happened
in front of my eyes, and every feeling still vividly existed in my mind. Though the production
value may not be as good as others made by the professionals, the emotions depicted are
irreplaceable and the sincere. Also, thanks to my habit of always taking photos and videos, I
have plenty of content which provides me with a lot of material to create videos. It’s helpful for
me to observe everything from a designer and a filmmaker’s perspective and record every
beautiful detail every time. At the beginning of the video, I chose to use my own handwriting, “I
Love You, I Love You, Let Me Truly Love You”, which is also where the title comes from.

Figure 2. Scene of Me Handwriting at the beginning of "I Love You"
8
“I love you” might be the simplest three words in any language, but they also contain the
strongest emotions in any culture. There must be a moment in every person’s life when they need
someone to give them a hug without saying anything. What I wrote is the hug I give to myself as
comfort, support, and trust. This is one of my actions of self-acceptance.
After the introduction, I begin to tell my whole story starting with the last night of 2019
in Disneyland. I will never forget the scene when hundreds of people were counting down
together to bring in the New Year and how spectacular the fireworks that followed were.
However, it was not an enjoyable experience for me since the place was filled with a crowd of
strangers, touching, and making noise, which was what I was afraid of most. Meanwhile, nobody
knew that when the fireworks exploded, they would light up such an unusual year, which is also
the reason why I edited this clip as an introduction to the following narrative.

Figure 3. Scene of the Fireworks in Disneyland on December 31st, 2019, Orlando, Florida in “I Love You”
9
Then I created a montage of a series of things to recall my 2020. I have a dog, who is
with me all the time and gives me huge support. My graduation ceremony was held online,
which was supposed to be one of the most memorable moments in my life with my family; I got
used to drinking alone at home instead of hanging out with friends. While it seems like
everything was different, the only thing that did not change was that the sunset was still
beautiful.
At the same time, I also included a book and a movie in my film. They both influenced
me very much during the pandemic. The book is Almost Transparent Blue by Ryū Murakami.

It depicts several young people’s lives during the mid-1970s while living under the mix of
Japanese and American culture. They spend their lives only on sex, drugs, alcohol, and rock
music and they are extremely chaotic and lost. They don’t care about the future, any
Figure 4. Almost Transparent Blue by Ryū Murakami
10
responsibility, and seem so free like what youth is supposed to be. In the book, Lily asked Ryū,
“I’m not sure, but if you really want to feel happy from your heart, you are not supposed to look
for it and think of it when you are floating in the nothingness, right?” Ryū answers with a long
description of a dream where he builds a brand-new world full of vivid life and hope. At the end
of the book, Ryū sees the almost transparent blue through a piece of glass which he uses to kill
himself.
3
Though we may not experience their life, everyone has a moment of feeling lost,
struggling with reality, and finding life meaningless. For me, most of the time in 2020 was spent
like this. However, like what Ryū sees, I believe we all could find our own almost transparent
blue. People in the book seem heartless or soulless, but as one of the characters says, “I hate
having sex all the time, there should be something better to do, right?”
4
They are looking for
something to delight their existence. It doesn’t have to be given some huge meaning to life, what
we are looking for is more like a kind of power or ability to feel our existence for ourselves, to
face ourselves, and accept ourselves.
The clip of the movie I chose and used in my video is from Frances Ha directed by Noah
Baumbach. It tells the story of Frances Halladay, who is a 27-years-old dancer.
5
The movie
shows her life in which everyone can find something to relate to themselves. She cannot make a
living by what she likes. She can’t be understood by her closest friend and cannot be accepted by
the cold society. What I like most about the movie is Frances is always happy, though what
happens to her is so bad. The clip I used is when she moves to a new place, she runs freely on the
road, which makes me so happy but still cannot help but cry at the same time. Every time I find
myself stuck in feelings of helplessness and self-doubt, the scene will come up in my mind, I

3
Murakami Ryū, Almost Transparent Blue (Tokyo: Kodansha International, 2003).
4
Murakami Ryū.
5
Frances Ha (IFC Films, 2012).
11
then I will tell myself, “Why not?” Why not face the reality, why not accept the reality, and why
not embrace the reality?

Although both the book and the movie only show up for a few seconds, they really have a
lot of meaning for me on how to consider my place in my world and how to find the balance
between reality and dreams. After the montage scenes, I wrote that “there is still a lot of empty
left there. I don’t know, I forget, I lost, or am I the empty itself.” There is a conflict here: though
it seems that I have done many things, I still feel empty and lost. Back to the present, me in 2022,
I appreciate the empty. It gives me an opportunity to get along and talk with myself. Life is busy,
but we still need a moment to take a breath and listen to ourselves. Empty is not a waste of time,
and it’s a moment to reset. At the end of the video, I say to wake up. It’s a new life waiting for us
to keep going.

Figure 5 Still of Frances Ha Directed by Noah Baumbach
12
Chapter 3: “I Am Okay ”

The Architecture of Heart
My dish rack is always very full, and the stuff inside is stacked very high. Every time I
have to adjust different things’ positions so that I can put more in. One day when I was trying to
put a plate into a very thin space between a pot and a bowl at the bottom, all the other things on
the top started falling apart suddenly and a bowl was smashed on the sink. Time froze at that
moment. Staring at those pieces with the loud sound, my body froze as well. I could not support
myself standing anymore, then I just sat on the floor and could not help shaking and crying. All I
could see was black before my eyes.

Figure 6. Scene of My Dish Rack in "I Am Okay"

13
It sounds like such a small thing, but I was totally broken down at that moment. When I recalled
this experience later, I felt that I had made myself like that dish rack. It seems that I enjoyed the
architecture of the dish rack, but the fact is that I just don’t know how to let things go. I get used
to putting my emotions, stress, feelings, and everything else in my heart, believing that it’s
endless and I could digest all the things very well. However, like a balloon, no matter how elastic
it is, it still will blow up when there is too much air inside. It also makes me realize that keeping
all of my emotions inside does not mean I have accepted them all. In fact, I had just forced
myself to believe that I have accepted them. However, the moment I broke down, I found these
little rocks were getting stuck in my stomach or even filling up my veins. They took absolute
control over me and made the decision when I would blow up. This is how my video, “I Am
Okay” begins.
I know I am definitely not the only one who is experiencing this kind of situation. The
Guardian newspaper gave an explanation:
According to Mental Health Foundation figures, one in 20 of us is likely to suffer from
'clinical' depression - that is, serious depression, a disabling disorder including
breakdown. At one level, 'breakdown' is one of those words that operates as shorthand;
many of us routinely refer to being on the verge of a breakdown when we want to convey
just how put upon, stressed and pressurized we are, without really meaning it at all.
6

Recently, I found more and more people are getting used to bottling up their emotions and
feelings in their hearts instead of dealing with them appropriately and promptly. Then at some
random moment, a very little thing could push them to the verge of a breakdown. At that time,
some people cry all day, some people isolate themselves for days, and some people choose a
more extreme way to hurt themselves and even suicide. Many who are experiencing mental
suffering still look normal when they step out of the home and are in a public setting. Like the

6
Ursula Kenny, “Nervous Breakdown,” The Guardian, September 10, 2000.
14
song lyrics, “You are not truly happy. Your faint smile is just your cloak to cover your pain
inside.”
7
When people gradually regard a mental disorder phenomenon as part of normal life, I
don’t think it’s an attitude we are supposed to have. My research looks at the reasons for the
acceptance of this way of looking at life from three perspectives. For many people, their negative
emotions and stress are from something they cannot get rid of. One of the most common
examples of it is work. We hear about suicide cases caused by work stress more and more
frequently all over the world. According to Forbes’s article, “Suicides related to workplace
issues are also rising. In 2013—the most recent available statistics—270 U.S. employees
completed suicide at work—a 12% increase over 2012. Workplace stress is believed to be the
leading factor in suicides when employees have little or no control over high job demands.”
8
A
job is not only about the job for many people but equals the ability and responsibilities to make a
living, support a family, and survive in current society. Those who need the job, must accept
what the job brings to them. Similar situations happen often to students. Many of them have to
hear these things everyday: “You are the only hope of the family now”, “You cannot ruin the
time, money, and energy we have spent on you for so many years”, and “There is only success,
no failure”. However, since there are many people are experiencing these things, there is no
excuse for you to stop working or studying. “Everyone is doing it, why can’t you?”, which often
becomes the last straw that breaks the camel’s back.
Secondly, many people think they are not allowed to have such negative feelings. As
mental health is become more critical especially during the pandemic, questions and problems

7
Hou Qing Chun Qi De Shi Poetry of the Day After, n.d.

8
Bryan Robinson, “Grappling with the Rise of Work-Related Suicide during the Pandemic: How to Support Yourself and Fellow
Coworkers,” Forbes (Forbes Magazine, December 10, 2021), https://www.forbes.com/sites/bryanrobinson/2020/09/05/grappling-
with-the-rise-of-work-related-suicide-during-the-pandemic-how-to-support-yourself-and-fellow-coworkers/?sh=30965c6748d2.
15
were coming to light as well. In the short film Save directed by Tingting Yao, a girl sits in a
room as people outside judge her attempt to jump off a high building: “Has it already become a
popular to say that you have depression?”, “You don’t need to worry about making a living, how
come you are sad and stressed?”, “I bet she won’t jump”, “psychopath?”, etc. Among all the
doubt and questions, there is a sound saying, “I love you”, the girl then realizes that the person
who tried to attempt suicide was herself. She runs out of the room and saves herself.
9
People are
not easy to be understood in an environment like this, especially when dealing with situations of
suicide. It often results in hiding one’s true feelings of self-worth and thoughts of self-harm.
Meanwhile, when we are forced to suppress ourselves and pretend to be normal, the self-conflict
within us worsens our mental health day by day.

9
Save (Sina, 2019), http://video.sina.com.cn/p/ent/2019-12-23/detail-iihnzahi9374248.d.html.

Figure 7. Still of Save Directed by Tingting Yao
Figure 8. Still of Save Directed by Tingting Yao
16
Lastly, people can not share their feelings with others easily, even family, close friends,
and partners. There is a Chinese saying: “Only tell the good news, never tell the bad ones.” For
example, it describes when children become grown-ups and leave home for work, they will only
let parents know the good things. The stress and sadness in their lives is not talked about since
they do not want their parents to worry. This saying can apply to many relationships, other than
children and parents. The feeling that we don’t want to worry people we care about is the same.
When I was taught the importance of sharing when I was a kid at school, the teacher
often said that sharing had an amazing power that it could double the joy and halve the sorrow. I
used to believe it deeply and be very willing to tell all of my feelings to one of my best friends
because I thought she was the person who understood me the most in the world. However, there
was a time during which I felt like I couldn’t get the feedback I needed, and I felt that what I was
doing might have been a kind of burden for her even though we were so close. I don’t blame her
at all, and I totally understand it. Everyone has their own problems and worries to be busy with,
and it is also one of reasons why we talk less and become more silent when we become grown-
ups.

How Are You?
The video I created shows a conversation between a mother and a daughter. The daughter
says “I’m okay” three times, those words provide the structure of the video. The question is first
used at the beginning of the film when mother and daughter start their Facetime conversation,
while the daughter is doing the dishes. Her mother asks her, “How are you doing recently?” The
daughter answers without thinking and expression on her face, “I’m okay.” I’m okay, I am good,
and I am fine has become an unconscious sentence we use as a reply. It is a habit for most of us.
17
We even don’t spend a second thinking about the question, “How are you doing”, and the answer
just comes automatically. Many people can notice others’ moods and feelings, but they often
don’t pay attention to themselves.

Figure 9. Scene of Facetime Between Daughter and Mother in "I am Okay"

Then the mother asks, “How about school? Any new friends?” The daughter starts talking
about people around her and everyone is so great in her eyes. All of them are so beautiful,
confident, smart, and have excellent ideas and skills. Mother looks at the daughter, who is trying
to put a plate into an overloaded dish rack, and says, “What about you?” Close shot at daughter’s
face, she forces to smile and says, “I’m okay.” It’s not difficult for us to see others’ advantages,
but we often think we are not good enough. At the same time, people whom she is
complimenting may feel the same as she does, and she is one of the beautiful and confident girls
18
in others’ eyes. Sometimes people are so generous to give others love but need to love
themselves a little more.
“You are always the best. Be happy.” Mom says. At that second, things in the dish rack
fall apart and one plate breaks into pieces. The daughter stands there, and as tears form
immediately. Then what follows is a series of flashback scenes of her crying and breaking down,
including throwing clothes, wiping away her make-up, insomnia, eating a whole bucket of ice
cream, and drinking bottles of alcohol.

Figure 10. Scene of Wiping makeup in "I Am Okay"

19
Mom’s voice asking if she is okay brings her back to reality, “Nothing, I’m okay”, the third time.
It could be understood as a comfort to her mother, a belief she tries to hold, and I hope it could
be a sign of a new start.
When I was creating the storyboard of this video, I intend to use color contrasts and close
shots to strengthen the inner conflicts. For example, when I was shooting the scene during which
the plate was smashed into the sink, I chose a white plate to create high contrasts with the sink.
The plate is a metaphor for the girl’s inner soul, which is vulnerable and pure, while the sink
could be the metaphor of stress and pressure, which is deep and dark like a black hole. As for the
flashback part, I emphasized the black clothes, the light from her eyes at night, pink ice cream,
red lips, and colorful wine bottles. The purpose was to increase emotional entanglement. For
instance, the ice cream is sweet and pink, but the girl had it as a substitute for serving anger and
repression; the lip is red and beautiful, but what the girl felt was ugly and unconfident; the wine
bottles are colorful, but what alcohol brought to her was illusion and time to escape from the
reality.

Figure 11. Scene of Bottles of Alcohol in "I Am Okay"
20
Hero Myth
What should we do? We have been told in so many ways and given numerous strategies
to have a healthy mental state and to achieve inner balance. We have been given advice such as
“do not overthink things that already happened”, “try meditation and to be relaxed”, “do exercise
regularly”, “talk to friends and family”, and “go to therapy”, all of which seem like clichés.
However, it’s not easy to get what we need. Professor Jordan B. Peterson at the University of
Toronto gave an interesting explanation in his lecture: Personality and Transformation, about
how to face our pent-up depression and deal with it. As a therapist, he has experienced clients
that break down and cry when talking about something difficult without understanding the
reason for this. When we cry, there must be something that appears in our minds, and we usually
can remember what that is. We should dig into that and find out the trauma through those
emotional responses and eruptions of negative emotions, which are like holes in people’s
conceptual structure and have to be sewed through dialogue. Then you have to figure out what it
is, what’s in it, what causes it, then articulate, analyze, and study it until you can sew it up. Then
we can obtain an adaptive story, finally an articulated story, a causal story. That’s partly the
reason why writing about emotional events helps us overcome them, and why it could be one of
the best therapies. Furthermore, what we should focus on is not one particular problem, but we
should orient ourselves to realize the class of the fact that there are problems in life. That’s what
Professor Jordan Peterson believes is a hero myth.
10

I am very inspired by this lecture, and I believe it could help most of us. As Professor
Peterson states in regard to sewing the hole in our conceptual structure, we are supposed to face
the inner self. It was interesting to write down what happened to me as a novel, name each

10
Jordan B Peterson, https://youtu.be/BQ4VSRg4e8w.

21
character, and give them an ending. The ending could be happy or bad. This was not important to
me. What I needed was closure.
We may say “I am fine” a hundred times every day and we can take a minute to
communicate with ourselves to see if we are fine. There are too many masks we have been
wearing since growing up such as what should you be, what others look like, what is better for
you. However, don’t forget to take care of the real you, who should be embraced by a vivid life,
and not cold rocks. Like the lines in The Pursuit of Happyness says, “Lord, don't move that
mountain. Give me strength to climb it. Please don't move that stumbling block. But lead me
around it. My burdens, they get so heavy seems hard to bear, but I won't give up, because you
promised me.”
11
We are the only ones who should decide who we are, accept ourselves
sincerely, and never give up on ourselves.

Chapter 4: “I ”

Self-Value
As females, we are fighting for our rights and proving our value every day. However,
many females are having problems with self-acceptance, which directly influences the way we
regard our self-value. Social media and intimate relationships also need to be addressed. For
example, it’s not a new topic that so many people rely on make-up, photoshop, filters, and even
surgery to be more popular on social media. More and more young teenagers imitate the
influencer lifestyles asking parents for make-up, luxury clothing, bags, and any other trendy
product, and spending their time dreaming of being an influencer. Of course, many influencers

11
The Pursuit of Happyness, n.d.
22
are very successful and have brought a lot of positive energy to the public. However, compared
to how many influencers you have subscribed, Mediakix reveals that there is “a 3.2 million –
37.8 million estimation for the total number of influencers on Instagram, YouTube, and
TikTok.”
12
Meanwhile, there are countless examples showing the fame, popularity, likes, and
opportunities are very fragile. For example, there is a 24-year-old influencer called freezia from
South Korea and she was famous for her sweet appearance, fit body, sexy styling, and luxury
lifestyle. She attended the reality show Too Hot to Handle in South Korea, which brought her
huge attention all over the world suddenly. Her Instagram followers increased from 530 thousand
to 1.08 million in a week. In one of the most popular social media platforms in China, Red, she
got 1.5 million followers in a week as well. After that, she appeared everywhere and girls started
to buy what she wore, used, and recommended. However, some people discovered that many of
her clothing, bags, and even her parents’ professions were fake. Immediately, people’s opinions
about her changed, and they started to judge everything about Freezia. She posted videos
apologizing to the public and cleared out all her videos and other content. All of this happened
within thirty days. She is not the only example.

12
“How Many Influencers Are There? [Data + Charts],” Mediakix, February 23, 2021, https://mediakix.com/blog/how-many-
influencers-are-there/.
Figure 15. Freezia's Instagram Page before Figure 16. Freezia's Instagram Page Now
23

For people who always follow celebrities or worship luxury products blindly, what they care
about is the product itself or what people will say about them when they have it? Nothing is
going to work if you don’t have a solid self-value, and this is the most important element in our
lives. If you keep imitating others and follow others’ steps, you are always behind them; if you
only care about other people likes and build your life based on that, you are manipulated and
controlled; if you don’t know how to accept and love yourself, you are losing yourself.
A few days ago, I heard a term called Sexual Market Value (SMV) from a friend, which
is from a book Sexual Market Value: The cynical truth about what it is, how you get it and how
to stop yourself from throwing yours away by Chris Capetown.
13
It basically means “how much
does the rest of society want to breed with you?” One of the conclusions is that males have
higher sexual market value through age, while females’ value is lowered by age. My simple
understanding or translation of this book is that the author believes that males like young girls
and females like rich men. This way of thinking is ridiculous from my point of view. It’s always
a stereotype that the most important value of females is appearance. This strongly affects many
females’ definition of self-value and self-acceptance in a negative way. When I apply this belief
to social media, it easily reminds me of body shame. There are so many girls around me who
look amazing that still diet, yet they are not satisfied with how they look. Ironically, there are
few males who have such feelings, and many of them still feel highly confident about their looks
no matter what their body shape looks like.

13
Chirs Capetown, in Sexual Market Value: The Cynical Truth about What It Is, How You Get It and How to Stop Yourself from
Throwing Yours Away (Blasphemy Books, 2016).

24
What we should believe is that we live for ourselves to achieve our own self-value, which
should not be defined by society or males. On the way to becoming a better self is not to aim to
please anyone else but yourself.

Find Yourself
There are two songs I have heard for many years, which give me the inspiration to create
this video called “I”. One of them is Creep by Radiohead which depicts how low a man was
putting himself in a relationship like a creep and he wants to be special like the girl he likes:
But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here
Whatever makes you happy
Whatever you want
You're so fuckin' special
I wish I was special
14

The other song is Am I Strange by Lee Hi, which is telling a story about a girl who is judged by a
boy even though there is not any difference between them:
I have ten fingers and ten toes
I have two arms and two legs
My blood is flowing, my two eyes can blink, and my two ears are listening
I have one head and one heart
I can think and breath
Same as you
Am I strange? How and why?
Am I strange? Why do you look me through those eyes?
I have been hurt so bad
15

14
Radiohead, Creep (Oxfordshire, England, n.d.).
15
First Love (South Korea, n.d.).

25
Both lyrics describe an unhealthy relationship with problems of self-acceptance. Creep shows
someone who lost self-value and Am I strange is more about self-doubt. If you are losing
yourself and trying to be someone else in a relationship, it’s not what love should be. Love is
supposed to make people happy but not insecure and anxious; to support and accept each other,
but not judge and insult; to make both people better, but not get into self-doubt and hurt.
Meanwhile, I believe that only when you know how to love and accept yourself, you know how
to love others.
In my film, “I”, I utilize a documentary format to show a girl’s life. At the beginning, she
introduces her outfits and make-up excitedly by saying, “my boyfriend really likes this dress”,
“this make-up is super popular right now”, and “I picked up the earrings particularly to match
with the clothes”. Today, she will take Polaroids of herself from head to toe and tape all of them
on the wall to have a new version of herself.

Figure 12. Scene of Polaroids on the Wall in “I”
26

The reason why she wants to do this is about her dream last night. In her dream, she was chasing
another girl who was running very fast. She wanted to ask that girl to stop, but the name came up
in her mind was her own name. She was too shocked and scared to speak it out, during which
that girl had disappeared, “So, I really want to have a close look of myself, of her.” While she is
taking photos, the last Polaroid is her face. She walks around her house trying to smile, laugh,
and have other happy expressions, but she is not satisfied and feels something weird. She returns
to the wall and stares at the blank space. Then she turns to the camera, saying with a bittersweet
smile, “I lost her.”

Figure 13. Scene of the character saying "I Lost Her" in “I”

As a designer, I use Photoshop and Illustrator almost every day and I can edit every photo
as I need. However, a Polaroid is totally different from digital photos since it cannot be edited.
The film depicts a girl who is wearing a mask that has been imposed on her by social media and
27
the opinions of others. Now she faces another version of herself in Polaroids. As for the setting, I
made the environment clean and simple so that the audience can focus more on the character’s
expressions, behaviors, and feelings. This also help to capture more details to reflect the
character’s mental activities when she realizes that she was losing herself. For instance, I use
close shots to show her fingers are crossed tightly, her hands keep touching her neck and ear, and
she avoids using the mirror. These small details tell the audience that she feels nervous and
insecure about the truth. Meanwhile, I make some scenes black and white to have stronger
contrasts with the bright settings, indicating her emotion transformations. At the end, the scene is
the girl who disappeared in her dream turns her face around with a smile, which implies that she
has found herself again at that moment she notices she lost herself.

Figure 14. Scene of the Character turning face around in "I"

28
Conclusion

Self-acceptance is a big topic, and everyone has different life experiences, but I hope
people can feel some empathy from themselves through the three videos I made. “I Love You” is
about accepting yourself in any situation. Learn to stay with and listen to yourself to get some
inner peace. “I am Okay” is about accepting your stress, negative feelings, and anything you hide
in your heart. Try to face them and repair the holes in your heart to give closure. “I” is about self-
acceptance with the outside, especially in social media and intimate relationships. Never lose
yourself to please others.
Everyone is precious and has their own value. It’s normal we will meet many obstacles
and depressions in life, but we should always embrace ourselves no matter what happens. You
are the person who will be with you through your lifetime and the only person who should make
decisions in your life.
Accept yourself, respect yourself, and love yourself.

29
Bibliography

Peterson, Jordan B. “Jean Piaget & Constructivism.” Personality and Transformation . Lecture,
n.d. https://youtu.be/BQ4VSRg4e8w.
Capetown, Chirs. In Sexual Market Value: The Cynical Truth about What It Is, How You Get It
and How to Stop Yourself from Throwing Yours Away . Blasphemy Books, 2016.
Frances Ha. Film. United States: IFC Films, 2012.
“How Many Influencers Are There? [Data + Charts].” Mediakix, February 23, 2021.
https://mediakix.com/blog/how-many-influencers-are-there/.
Kenny, Ursula. “Nervous Breakdown.” The Guardian , September 10, 2000.
Lee, Hi. Am I Strange . CD. First Love. South Korea, Soul: Yang Hyun-suk, n.d.
Mayday. You Are Not Truly Happy. CD. Hou Qing Chun Qi De Shi Poetry of the Day After.
Xiang xin yin yue, n.d.
Murakami Ryū. Almost Transparent Blue. Tokyo: Kodansha International, 2003.
Nagao, Tadahiko, Saitō Isamu, and Tadahiko Nagao. Kokology: The Game of Self-Discovery.
New York: Barnes & Noble Books, 2003.
30
Nirmita Panchal, Rabah Kamal. “The Implications of COVID-19 for Mental Health and
Substance Use.” KFF, July 20, 2021. https://www.kff.org/coronavirus-covid-19/issue-
brief/the-implications-of-covid-19-for-mental-health-and-substance-use/.
The Pursuit of Happyness, n.d.
Radiohead. CD. Creep. United Kingdom , Oxfordshire: Paul Q. Kolderie and Sean Slade, 1992.
Robinson, Bryan. “Grappling with the Rise of Work-Related Suicide during the Pandemic: How
to Support Yourself and Fellow Coworkers.” Forbes Magazine. Forbes, Inc, December 10,
2021. https://www.forbes.com/sites/bryanrobinson/2020/09/05/grappling-with-the-rise-of-
work-related-suicide-during-the-pandemic-how-to-support-yourself-and-fellow-
coworkers/?sh=30965c6748d2.
Save. China: Sina, 2019. http://video.sina.com.cn/p/ent/2019-12-23/detail-
iihnzahi9374248.d.html.

Abstract (if available)

Abstract Self-acceptance is the focus of my design practice. I believe that, only when you know how to accept and love yourself, will you be able to know how to have a solid self-value and other healthy relationships. Recently I have felt anxious and depressed because of a lot of pressure and discovered that I had not a clue how to deal with what I was experiencing. In sharing my feelings with others, I found that many of my friends felt the same way, also often their anxiety came from an inability to accept themselves or even to like themselves the way they are. As a designer and filmmaker, this topic inspired me to create narratives that reflect self-doubt, self-conflict, and self-value.
My research includes case studies of film, design, music, literature, and a series of short videos to reflect my interpretation of self-acceptance. The first video is titled “I Love You”, which records my personal 2020 experience, an unusual year with complicated emotions. The second video is titled “I Am Okay”. This project is about a girl who is experiencing a mental breakdown but still pretends to be fine in front of her mom. The third video narrative is titled “I”; its narrative explores losing oneself in social media and relationships as well as looking for the real self under the mask. My goal is to create short films that improve awareness and understanding of self-acceptance and to help myself and other people achieve our inner peace.

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Asset Metadata

Creator Qian, Xinru (author)

Core Title Accept yourself, respect yourself, love yourself: a film letter to myself

School Roski School of Art and Design

Degree Master of Fine Arts

Degree Program Design

Degree Conferral Date 2022-05

Publication Date 04/11/2022

Defense Date 04/08/2022

Publisher University of Southern California (original), University of Southern California. Libraries (digital)

Tag intimate relationship,Mental Health,OAI-PMH Harvest,Self-acceptance,self-conflict,self-value

Format application/pdf (imt)

Language English

Contributor Electronically uploaded by the author (provenance)

Advisor Ellenburg, Jason Fowler (committee chair), Trujillo, Osvaldo (committee chair), Wojciak, Ewa (committee member)

Creator Email xinruqia@usc.edu,xiqi5182@colorado.edu

Permanent Link (DOI) https://doi.org/10.25549/usctheses-oUC110920052

Unique identifier UC110920052

Document Type Thesis

Format application/pdf (imt)

Rights Qian, Xinru

Type texts

Source 20220411-usctheses-batch-921 (batch), University of Southern California (contributing entity), University of Southern California Dissertations and Theses (collection)

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Repository Name University of Southern California Digital Library

Repository Location USC Digital Library, University of Southern California, University Park Campus MC 2810, 3434 South Grand Avenue, 2nd Floor, Los Angeles, California 90089-2810, USA

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