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A phoenix first must burn; how Black women in higher education administration at a private, historically White institution in Southern California implement the reactionary principle of profession...

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A phoenix first must burn; how Black women in higher education administration at a private, historically White institution in Southern California implement the reactionary principle of profession...

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Content Running Head: PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 1 A Phoenix First Must Burn; How Black Women in Higher Education Administration at a Private, Historically White Institution in Southern California Implement the Reactionary Principle of Professionally Clapping Back: A Cognitive Process to Manage Workplace Microaggressions for Survival in the Field and the Effects it Can Have on Mental Health and Self-Efficacy by Dominique Kendra Lightsey, MEd A Dissertation Presented to the FACULTY OF THE USC ROSSIER SCHOOL OF EDUCATION UNIVERSITY OF SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA In Partial Fulfillment of the Requirements for the Degree DOCTOR OF EDUCATION August 2020 Copyright 2020 Dominique Kendra Lightsey PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 2 ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS This body of work, I dedicate to my first born, Cameron. May she inherit a better future from us. May she use my back to spring over the many challenges Black women continue to face in this country and know, without a doubt, that she is a descendent in a long line of powerfully, educated Black women who have and will continue to change the world. May she be unapologetically woke, spirited, brave, and free...always. I would also like to thank my husband, Ronuald, for doing all that he could to keep me sane over the course of our relationship. His patience, dedication, strength and tenacity while supporting me over the last three years was such a blessing. I thank the universe for sending me such incredible love. I love you both dearly. I would also like to take the time to thank the rest of my support system from the bottom of my heart. If I forget to name anyone, please charge it to my memory and not my genuine heart. They are as follows: My mother, Shander; My aunt, Michelle; My mother-in-law, Gerana; My grandmother, Sinda: Thank God for blessing me with such love. Your ears have heard me say I love you at least one thousand times. Know that each time, I have meant it with every fiber of my being. Dr. Briana Hinga, The Incomparable: Had someone told me five years ago that a woman (who happens to be White) would be the very person that understood my reasoning for this research, I would have refused to believe it. Dr. Hinga, I genuinely and wholeheartedly love you. You are the definition of what it means to be an ally in all ways and in all things. You have fanned the flames of my thoughts and gave me the courage I needed to speak my truth; something I had to be taught. It is because of your unwavering commitment to our work, our struggle and your appreciation for who we are in our whole selves that your students are able to persevere the way we do. May the students you continue to mentor forever acknowledge the example you set for them and pay it forward. Dr. Derisa Grant and Dr. Sharde´ Davis: Almost PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 3 like spirit guides, the way you navigated my ebbs and flows; with well wishes for me that made me better in all ways. I am grateful for you. Nadia, Christiane, Jessica and Mireille: My sisters in every life I may have had or will have. Thank you for being a shoulder to cry on, a confidant, a mediator. Thank you for the late- night conversations under the moon that helped guide my direction in this study. Much like the North star, you women always help me find my way back home. I love you deep. Soraira, Ally, Vanessa, Jenell and Queena: My B.B.I.B.S’…I would ride to the ends of the Earth with all of you! Thank you for caring for me mentally, physically, spiritually and emotionally throughout our time in this program and my first pregnancy. Thank you for all the check-ins when you knew that I was NOT okay. Thank you for hearing me, for confiding in me, for writing with me, for rapping with me, and most of all, thank you for reminding me that education will always be my center. It’s where we all belong, our purpose and our first love. I love you. Steve, Branden, Cory, Edwin and Will: My beautiful, Black, brothers. You all are exactly what we need more of in the world. Strong but loving, undeniably classic, witty and charming. Thank you for being the support I needed during this program. I will always be here for you. To my father: Vincent. This past year has been a challenge for you but in true fashion, you stayed the course and survived. I thank God for your ‘tell it like it is’ mentality that helped me navigate my life. You have always insisted that I speak my mind and this body of work does just that. And last, but certainly not least, to all of the Black women in higher education who breathed life into this research through their stories, their emotions and their truths…I love you. Because of you, Black women who should find themselves reading this study will have connected, ancestrally, to pioneers in the struggle. Though it is my wish that we live to see this work be irrelevant in our lifetime, if this is not the case, I am grateful that at this particular PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 4 moment our voices worked together to bring forth the flaming tongues of Black women in education. It is my honor to be joined with you for all of time. Love always, Dr. Dom PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 5 TABLE OF CONTENTS List of Tables 7 List of Figures 8 Abstract 9 Chapter One: Overview of the Study 12 Background of the Problem 14 Statement of the Problem 16 Purpose of the Study 17 Significance of the Problem 17 Organization of the Problem 18 Definitions of the Terms 18 Chapter Two: Literature Review 20 Guiding Theoretical Frameworks 21 Critical Race Feminism 22 Access Denied 25 Racial and Gendered Microaggressions 27 Stereotypes 29 Transformative Resistance 33 Reactions 34 Mental Health 34 Chapter Three: Methodology 38 Qualitative Methods 38 Narrative Analysis 39 Setting 40 Participants 41 Data collection and Instrumentation 42 Demographic Questionnaire 42 Interviews 43 Data Analysis 44 Limitations 45 Positionality 45 Credibility and Trustworthiness 47 Ethics 47 Chapter Four: Qualitative Data Analysis 49 Meeting the Participants 49 Deepest Condolences 56 Skill set & Conditioning 56 Identity 66 Grave Circumstances 74 Microaggressions 75 Responses to Microaggressions 90 Reactionary Principle 103 Ashes to Ashes 109 Feelings 110 Motivation 116 Self-Care 123 PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 6 Summary 133 Chapter Five: Discussion & Conclusion 135 When Embers Ignite A Flame 135 Synopsis of Findings 137 Limitations and Recommendations 143 Implications 144 Like Dust, We Will Rise 147 Epilogue 150 References 155 Appendices A-D 166 PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 7 LIST OF TABLES Table 1: List of Participants 51 PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 8 LIST OF FIGURES Figure A: Conceptual model of theoretical frameworks 37 Figure B: Conceptual model of cost/value analysis 96 Figure C: Conceptual model of Reactionary Principle of Professionally Clapping Back in the Face of A Microaggression 105 Figure C-1: Conceptual Model of the Reactionary Principle’s Double Filtration Process-In Depth. 105 PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 9 ABSTRACT This study addresses the problem of Black women in higher ed administration at historically White institutions being subjected to racism and sexism in the workplace. Narrating their interactions with their microaggressive White colleagues, Black women explain their reactionary principle for clapping back and the impact it can have on their mental health, self-efficacy and pursuit for leadership positions. Research posits that ‘isolation, loneliness and lack of trust compound the effects of racism and sexism in academia’ and result in significant barriers to the Black woman's full participation in senior leadership (Cook, 2012). This problem is important to address because while students of color are seeking higher education at higher rates than ever before, the leadership on college campuses in the United States remain stagnant and homogeneously White. We know this is a problem because in 2016, women of color represented just 5 percent of U.S. college and university presidents in comparison to men of color who represent 12 percent (Gagliardi et al. 2017). Black women in administration with terminal degrees were also less likely to report that they were a senior-level administrator in comparison to their Black male, White female and White male counterparts with the same degree level. This research study seeks to determine how Black women working in higher education experience and manage workplace microaggressions through transformational resistance strategies for survival in the field. Through interviews with fifteen Black women, a mutually transparent conversation emerges between the participants and the researcher that captures the damage of these experiences in their truest and most unfiltered forms. Keywords: Black women in administration, clapback, higher education administration, microaggression, racism, sexism, meritocracy, historically White institutions, senior-level leadership, power, oppression. PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 10 CHAPTER ONE: INTRODUCTION Prologue In Paulo Freire’s canonized work, Pedagogy of the Oppressed (1968), he focused on the reality that oppression exists because of the dehumanization of the oppressed. The first five pages of his work were the catalyst that sparked the interest in researching Black women in higher education at historically White institutions. This piece was assigned reading for the first course I undertook in my doctorate program and came at a time when I was experiencing dissatisfaction with where I was in my career. I had been in higher education administration for ten years at that point and still had not broken the invisible barrier into authentic leadership, and I could not understand why. I was a hard worker that volunteered for additional assignments when they arose. I was reliable, and my superiors knew that if I was on the job, I completed it impeccably. I made data-driven decisions with a touch of personality that allowed me to maintain meaningful relationships if the outcome of those decisions were to be less than favorable. However, I could not break past the Assistant Director level to senior leadership. I thought more education was the key. In Ladson-Billings' study on the academic achievement debt in America, the empirical data suggested that more schooling was associated with higher earnings (Ladson-Billings, 2006, p. 6) and, therefore, higher positions. This doctorate program was my last-ditch effort to show I, too, could be a leader. I mean a doctorate in Educational Leadership, by default, would mean I am just that, right? An educational leader. One year into my program, my husband and I discovered that I was expecting our first child. Being the perfectionist and planner that I am, I immediately began planning for the maternity leave that was to come inevitably. I secured contracts for venues and faculty and alumni representatives for the annual events. Lastly, I created a shareable google drive with my PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 11 documentation for the year to ensure my replacement had all the information necessary to perform my duties. When the time came to find my temporary replacement, the director did not offer me autonomy in the selection process. The candidates I recommended for interviews were not contacted. A temporary employee with no concept of the work I did was selected instead and was provided with two weeks to train this individual. Upon the first day of my maternity leave, I received a call from my supervisor letting me know that the temp had accepted a permanent position and had submitted his two-week notice. He then was asked not to return the next day. Within my three months' leave, my carefully crafted plan had fallen into the hands of anyone on the team who could 'help.' Within that time, two colleagues left the department, so I returned from maternity leave one month early in order to pick up the pieces and assist with training the newer staff. When I returned to work, the pressure was intense. In addition to feeling alienated by my colleagues, submitting weekly reports to prove that I was doing my job was now a requirement. Committees I had served on before my departure no longer needed my input and surprise pop-in visits from faculty administrators questioning my 'numbers' became my new normal. In addition to the microaggressions and discrimination I faced as a new mom returning to work, I was also emotionally spent. The suicide of a colleague within the department, my father's cancer diagnosis and his subsequent surgeries, daycare concerns, and being a full-time student in a doctoral program had all taken a toll on my psyche. As I read Freire, I remembered feeling exhausted, invisible, underpaid, up against all the odds, and (for lack of better words) downright crazy at the time. It was in that state of mind that I read, ‘because it is a distortion of being more fully human, sooner or later, being less human leads the oppressed to struggle against those who made them so,’ (Freire, 1968, p. 44). As any doctoral program will prepare one to do, to truly understand the works you read, one must relate PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 12 it to your own experiences. In my case, my professional experience as a Black woman in higher ed administration found that sentence eye-opening. I had viewed my lack of growth in this field as an internal deficit instead of an external debt. I came to realize that I was not the broken thing that needed to be fixed; the system was. Four months after returning to work postpartum and with no career prospects lined up, I resigned from my position. I intentionally center my story at the forefront of this study because it will, in some ways, mirror the experiences of other Black women in the field. Providing insight into my own story will better aid the reader in differentiating between my voice and those of the participants. I recognize that it is an unconventional approach to written research; nevertheless, my own anecdotal experience as a Black woman in higher education administration holds value. I hope that this study will help other Black women recognize the signs of workplace dissatisfaction and encourage those who find themselves in similar situations to speak up before it is too late. Background of the Problem In Implications of race and gender in higher education administration: An African American woman’s perspective (2009), Lloyd-Jones sought to examine whether the age-old adage of 'education being the great equalizer' and 'hard-work produces positive outcomes' applied to Black women in senior-level administration positions in predominantly White institutions (PWI) of higher education. The study hypothesized that this achievement ideology was, in fact, a falsehood that failed to acknowledge how social inequities like race, gender, and social class directly affect the progression of Black women into senior-level positions on predominantly White college campuses. The study used thematic analysis to identify relevant themes that supported the initial hypothesis. The participant perceived a dichotomy between PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 13 being hypervisible when it came to scrutiny, yet being invisible in terms of the respect afforded to her role. The Lloyd-Jones study, which consists of one participant's recollection of her experience in a senior-level position at a PWI, tokenized the participant's experience and relegated the findings to be indicative of all Black female administrators in similar positions. While the findings did support the study's initial hypothesis, the lack of participants involved in the study inadvertently substantiated the underlying notion that Black female administrators lack representation in senior-level administration at PWI's. It has been documented, since Moore and Wagstaff's (1974) study on African American educators at PWI's, that the most significant number of Black administrators continue to be relegated to positions in mid-level management and oversee special programs without much autonomy or power. Rarely do Black administrators at PWI's occupy positions of real authority with titles like department chair, dean or provost, and wide-range influence over decision- making practices at the university (Wright, 2006). Their absence is glaringly evident when this population disaggregates from the other races. In as recent as 2006, Black, female administrators were described as an 'endangered species in higher ed administration' in that they made up just five percent of all executive, administrative, and managerial positions held by women in higher education (Allan-Brown, 1998; Holmes 2004, 84; Wright 2006;). In previous studies, systemic isolation at all levels of academia was attributed to the lack of Black female administrators in senior-level positions in higher education. Black women find themselves situated in an 'underutilized and often demoralized' position at the bottom of the educational hierarchy in the United States, subjected to overt racial and sexual discrimination, (Howard-Vital, 1989). Such was the experience of the Black, female participants in the Holder et al. (2015) qualitative study on the experiences of racial microaggressions and coping strategies PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 14 of Black women in corporate America. While not directly related to the higher education setting, the narratives of the participants were starkly similar to the themes presented by the Lloyd-Jones study above in that Black women in positions of power often still felt 'ignored and dismissed' by their White, male colleagues. In the study, participants shared examples of exclusion in the workplace, such as lack of eye contact in meetings, not invited to social gatherings, and their ideas not being acknowledged until someone else verbally validates them (Holder et al., 2015). Beyond research studies and regardless of industry or field, anecdotally, the notion has been presented that Black women resort to loosely defined rules and subjective states of being in the workplace in order to assimilate with and appease the dominant majority (i.e., White, male). A recent article in the Huffington Post titled I am Exhausted From Trying To Be The 'Right' Kind of Black Girl At Work by guest writer D. Shante discusses the various ways in which the author code-switches to fit in at her office. Shante's piece vividly illustrated the 'tiny ways in which she went into survival mode' by policing and modifying her behavior and appearance to adapt to her new sociocultural normal (Shante, 2018). The author mentioned that despite the hard work and dedication she put in for her successful career, the microaggressions she dealt with at work resulted in her developing less confidence in herself and her capabilities. While code-switching was an exhaustive process, she needed to keep it up for survival. Colleges and universities must work towards diversifying their administrations through more equitable and inclusive means considering the changing demographics of their respective student populations. Statement of the Problem The topic addressed in this study is that of cultural capital, code-switching, and identity of Black women in higher education. According to the American Council on Education (ACE), in conjunction with the College and University Professional Association for Human Resources PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 15 (CUPA-HR), the percentage of undergraduate students of color grew from 30 percent to 45 percent; yet senior-level administrators in U.S. colleges and institutions have been slow to reflect this change in terms of demographics (McChesney, 2018; Espinosa et al., 2019). For example, 30 years ago, Whites represented 91.9 percent of all college and university presidents, yet in 2016, 83.2 percent of all presidents identified as White, and just 16.8 percent identified as people of color (McChesney, J, 2018; Espinosa et al., 2019). In a study on the Black women in higher ed administration (Miles, 2012), data found that postsecondary institutions primarily relegated Black women in administration to mid-level positions in comparison to their counterparts, as mentioned earlier. Black women in administration with terminal degrees were also less likely to report that they were a senior-level administrator in comparison to their Black male, White female and White male counterparts with the same degree level. In 2016, women of color represented only 5 percent of all college and university presidents, while men of color represented just 12 percent (Gagliardi et al. 2017). Inversely, 83 percent of men and 83 percent of women presidents were White. When disaggregated by race, Black women make up just 9 percent of the presidency at colleges and universities in the U.S. (Espinosa et al., 2019). This topic is significant because administrators of color in higher education, specifically women, report often experiencing microaggressions in the workplace. These experiences take a psychological, emotional, and sometimes physical toll on them that can ultimately impact their interest in-or opportunities for- advancement to senior-level positions in higher ed administration. In Sara Gibbard Cook’s, For Black Women Administrators, Merit Is Not Enough, she posited that ‘isolation, loneliness and lack of trust compound the effects of racism and sexism in academia’ and result in significant barriers to the Black woman's full participation in senior leadership (Cook, 2012). PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 16 Purpose of the Study Cook (2012) expounded on this notion that historically White institutions further aggregate the isolation of Black women from senior-level positions in academia because of the cultural assumptions and expectations of them (read microaggressions). This study seeks to explore how Black women in administration at a historically White, private institution in Southern California navigate microaggressions and preserve their mental health and self-efficacy in the workplace. This study will provide a qualitative exploration of the quantitative reality of Black women in higher education administration positions, answering the following research questions (RQ): RQ1. How do Black women in administration at a historically White institution in Southern California work around the assumptions and expectations of their colleagues based on their identity? RQ2. How do Black women in administration at a historically White institution in Southern California react to microaggressions in the workplace? RQ3. What impact, if any, do microaggressions in the workplace have on the mental health and self-efficacy of Black women at a historically White institution in Southern California? This research intends to explore how Black women higher education administrators navigate microaggressions, cultural capital, code-switching, professionalism, and identity or other experiences they may have in the workplace. Specifically, how do Black women working in higher education experience and manage workplace microaggressions through transformational resistance strategies for survival in the field? Through interviews with Black women in higher ed administration at a single institution, concepts explored in this study are those of PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 17 microaggressions, Whiteness, code-switching, shifting identity, higher education administration, small acts of resistance, counter-storytelling, and decolonizing professionalism. Significance of the Study The literature on Black, female administrators in senior-level positions, primarily explores the experiences of this population from a deficit perspective in that they continue to face microaggressions in their roles, have been systematically oppressed in the field and had to fight for opportunities to advance into these coveted positions of power (Howard-Vital, 1989; Allan-Brown, 1998; Mabokela & Green, 2001; Wright et al., 2006; Lloyd-Jones, 2009; Cook, 2012; Holder et al.; 2015). However, the literature fails to investigate how the few Black female administrators who have made it to these positions reconciled the microaggressions they experienced throughout their careers, whether battle fatigue resulted from these experiences and whether, to obtain these positions, they compromised on their authentic selves. This study seeks to address this gap in literature and research. The design of the study serves as a road map for Black women administrators in higher educational settings looking to advance into senior-level positions. Organization of the Study The dissertation that follows consists of five chapters; chapter two outlines relevant literature to the study of Black women in higher education administration and will include insight on my selected theoretical frameworks, Critical Race Feminism (CRF) and Transformational Resistance (TR). Chapter three identifies the research methods utilized to examine how Black women in administration at an HWI in Southern California navigate microaggressions in the workplace and will include insight on the participant selection process, the instrumentation and interview protocol, and the approach taken for data collection and PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 18 analysis. Chapter four will explore the findings of the data collection process. Lastly, chapter five will draw conclusions based on the findings discussed in chapter four, along with suggestions for future research. Definitions of Terms Clapback-a quick, sharp, and effective response to criticism. 1 Cost/Value Analysis- the mental, physical, psychological, or emotional effort it takes the receiver of the microaggression to respond versus the perceived response of the microaggressive perpetrator and/or their status and whether the receiver deems them worth a response (Lightsey, 2020). Higher Ed Admin- condensed version of higher education administration or administrator. Historically White Institutions (HWIs)- is used instead of “predominantly White institutions” to emphasize that the percentages of White students have less to do with the majority populations than with the historical and contemporary racial infrastructure that is in place, the current campus racial culture and ecology, and how these modern-day institutions still benefit Whites at the expense of people of color (Smith et al., 2006, p. 322). Please note, I intentionally capitalize the term ‘White’ in this study to demonstrate the shocking amount of space this community has taken up in American society. The capitalized ‘W’ should evoke a feeling of wrongdoing, supremacy and oppression to the multitude of other words in this text; a simple representation of the reality of people of color in this country. 1 “Clapback”. Merriam-Webster.com. 1990. Retrieved from https://www.merriam- webster.com/dictionary/clap%20back#h1 (24 April 2020) PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 19 Ivory Tower- elitist lifestyle of academics in university and college systems; the White, patriarchy of intellectuals. Racial Microaggressions-“brief and commonplace daily verbal, behavioral, or environmental indignities, whether intentional or unintentional, that communicate hostile, derogatory, or negative racial slights and insults toward people of color” (Sue et al., 2007, p. 271) Self-Efficacy- Self-efficacy is defined as people’s beliefs in their capabilities to exercise control over their own functioning and over events that affect their lives (Bandura, 1997). Senior-Level Administration/or- leadership position in an institution of higher education (i.e. president, vice president, associate vice president, registrar, chancellor, vice chancellor, provost, associate vice provost, dean, associate dean, etc.) Tempered Herstriology- Black women are conditioned through the testimonies of other Black women to withstand the impact of microaggressions in society through the passing down of ethnic, feminine knowledge from one generation to the next (Lightsey, 2020). PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 20 CHAPTER TWO: LITERATURE REVIEW In Shifting: The Double Lives of Black Women in America, Jones & Shorter-Gooden directly address the concerns and pressures Black women in the United States face in all aspects of their female identity and the respective environments in which they occupy (2003). The novel encompasses the myriad of ways Black women conform to the dominant, White, patriarchal society in which they live by shifting their appearances, their speech, their attitudes, their desires, and their needs in an attempt to placate and comfort everyone else. This concept of shifting is akin to code-switching, altering one's authentic style of speech depending on the audience or situation (Romaine, 1992:110) and a persistent construct within the Black, female identity in the United States. Shifting and code-switching serve as a defense mechanism for women of color against the chronic microaggressions they experience in all aspects of life, though most prevalent in their professional endeavors. Harvard Emeritus Professor of Education and Psychiatry, Chester M. Pierce (1974) first defined the term microaggression as 'subtle, cumulative miniassaults' that can be verbal or nonverbal and take a physiological, psychological and academic toll on people of color. Pierce went on to posit that microaggressions are racist propaganda that can result in the brainwashing of these individuals to see themselves as 'helpless, hopeless, inferior and ineffective' (Pierce, 1974). The constant grappling with these miniassaults and attacks on one's identity can affect the self-efficacy that Black Americans possess and can lead to the development of imposter syndrome. Moreover, these experiences can ultimately impact their ability to work towards advancement in their professional careers despite them being well-qualified candidates. PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 21 Guiding Theoretical Frameworks Two theoretical frameworks support the understanding that Black women are a historically marginalized and victimized population in the United States and experience exclusive forms of oppression that require unique responses as a means of self-defense and justice: Critical Race Feminism (CRF) (Wing, 2003) and Transformative Resistance (TR) (Solorzano & Delgado, 2001). These frameworks bolster the assumption that Black women in administration at HWIs must utilize a reactionary principle when met with microaggressions in order to protect their internal sense of self and identity. This literature review opens with an overview of CRF, which is relevant because it promotes the representation of intersectional, feminist identities that the larger feminist movement silenced. CRF will be used to describe the absence of Black women from the history of western institutions, the racist and sexist stereotypes of Black women in American society, and how these stereotypes manifest into microaggressions in the workplace. Secondly, through a TR lens, I will focus on the Black woman's experience within the dominant, White, male patriarchy that exists in higher education administration. TR will be used to investigate the psychological, physiological, and emotional toll microaggressions have on Black women in the workplace, their perceptions of themselves and their capabilities, and their overall mental health while dealing with these experiences. Both Critical Race Feminism (CRF) and Transformative Resistance (TR) inform the following literature review because they center the intersection of race and gender, have a social justice agenda and foster some kind of political, social, or economic transformation that benefits the people within the study (Few, 2007). Lastly, though not a theoretical framework for this study, Black Feminist Thought (Collins, 1990) does serve as an inspiration for this research in that the transparency of thoughts PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 22 and experiences presented herein clarify a standpoint of Black women that can only be produced by a Black woman; so by conducting this research I am living this theory in real time. Moreover, Collins (1990) posits that the role of the Black female intellectual is to produce factual information about other Black women through research that honors their individuality but identifies and confirms a common outlook amongst them all. Throughout this research study, names, quotes and themes of influential Black women in American history are used to bridge the gap these women share between time thereby showing that the experiences with racism and sexism of my contemporary participants should not be considered new phenomena. Recognizing that these experiences span centuries will bolster the implications for institutions to make lasting changes to address these circumstances once and for all. Critical Race Feminism (CRF) CRF describes the discourse between feminism and the unique experiences of women of color within an oppressive, patriarchal society. In Critical Race Feminism: A Reader, Adrien Wing (2003) defines CRF as an "embryonic effort" born out of the need for an intervention between the larger feminist collective and the often ignored voice of women of color within the movement. CRF promotes the representation of intersectional identities outside of the White, cisgender, dominant group of feminists that have largely disregarded the varying races, ethnic groups, sexual orientations, and socioeconomic statuses of the women whose backs bore the brunt of the movement itself. The CRF worldview is the theoretical framework most closely aligned with the literature found on the subject of combatting the systemic oppression Black women in administration at HWIs face due to the pervasiveness of the Eurocentric and patriarchal ideals. Eve Tuck in, Suspending Damage: A Letter to Communities (2009), expounds on this need to end the single-narrative of damaged communities, and instead, move to a desire- PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 23 centered framework in which the lives of the marginalized are given the humanness in research that they display in life. Rather than further the narrative that a multitude of systemic oppressions (gender and racially motivated) result in few Black women hold positions in senior-level administration at historically White institutions, Tuck would rather the focus center on identifying how Black women in senior-level administration protect themselves against microaggressions in order to advance into positions with greater power and influence. The 37 th edition of the National Center for Education Statistics report titled, Projections of Education Statistics to 2018, noted that 'between the years 2007 and 2018, the enrollment of African American students in degree-granting institutions will increase by 26% (Bailey, 2009). When disaggregating the data above, Black women sought higher education at an astonishing rate when compared to their Black male counterparts. While Black women enrolled in institutions of higher education at higher rates, their pursuit of terminal degrees showed the most dramatic increase. According to the US Census Bureau, 109,000 living African American men had a doctoral degree compared to 98, 000 African American women in 2014. Just four years later, 161,000 Black women have completed a doctoral degree, compared to only 135,000 Black men (US Department of Education, 2018). The rapid increase in Black women pursuing terminal degrees attributes to their belief that accessing higher education will result in their socioeconomic stratification of class (Liu, 2011). In American society, colleges and universities are considered the "gatekeepers" of class and social status, and those whom access higher education and work within it, especially people of color, buy into the idea of meritocracy, (Young, 1958; Moore, 2004; Karabel, 2005; Liu, 2011). Coined in 1958 by Michael Young, meritocracy is the notion that the American social system was developed, and maintained, based on intelligence and educational attainment. The PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 24 term is most closely related to the western achievement ideology in which it is posited that hard work results in a better life. Both ideologies render the individual at fault, either for their shortcomings, delays, or perceived lack of "success" and failed to acknowledge that there are structural inequities in place that significantly impact the opportunity for the social mobility of minoritized and marginalized groups (Liu, 2011). The contemporary division of class and social status in the United States is a direct descendent of slavery and White supremacy. I intentionally and purposefully capitalize the term “White” throughout this study as representation of the amount of space this community takes up in American Society and how jarring it can be to people of color. White men crafted this society through a complex and varying combination of conquests and genocide that resulted in the capitalistic acquisition of human bodies, cheap labor, and insurmountable wealth (Johnson, 2005). "Whiteness," which was socially constructed post-Civil War, was created to elevate poor Whites above all the newly emancipated slaves and justified the oppression of other races thereon out, (Johnson, 2005, p. 47). Following the emancipation of the slaves, the United States failed to provide a foundation on which Black people could build their futures and instead relegated them to sharecropping, indentured servitude, and domestic labor further maintaining their low-strung position in American society. It is through this historical lens of systemic oppression that Black women's fight for upward mobility via-education begins and remains. Of the Black women that persist and make it to graduation day, their post-graduation outcomes are not measuring up in the way they had hoped, nor are these outcomes indicative of their potential. In 1984, author, activist, poet, and feminist, Audre Lorde posited that despite their recent educational and economic gains, Black women were still the lowest paid group in the nation by sex and race (Lorde, 1984, p. 60). According to The Gender Wage Gap: 2017 Earnings PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 25 Differences by Race and Ethnicity, this is still true; Black women earned just 67.7% of a White male's earnings with a similar degree in 2017 whereas White women earned 81.9% (Hegewisch, Phil & Williams-Baron, 2018). Thus, the objective reality of the Black woman in American society is one where, because she is both female and Black, she is economically exploited (Staples, 1970, p. 8). Access denied: the exclusion of Black women from senior-level management positions in administration within historically White institutions. These experiences are indicative of a much larger issue within higher education; the lack of representation amongst people of color across student, faculty, and administrative populations alike. Founded to educate the White middle class, HWIs have not changed much since the first nine of American institutions for higher education sprang forth (Kovel, 1970). With the intent to educate White males to serve God, Harvard, William and Mary, Yale, New Jersey, King's, Philadelphia, Rhode Island, Queen's, and Dartmouth were founded by Puritans with the Oxford and Cambridge educational systems in mind (Rudolph, 1990). Nearly three hundred and ninety years later, the Euro-American foundation with which these institutions, and those that came after, still impact the cultural experience of education in America (Patton et al., 2016, p. 211). What students learn, how they are taught, and how their learning is evaluated are all reinforced by the foundation laid in 1636, which continues to marginalize and devalue the experiences of people of color and women in all areas of the institution, (Bulhan, 1985). Moreover, the buildings erected in the name of the White, male, founding fathers of these institutions serve as a reminder and environmental microaggression that others do not belong. With the American population increasing, institutions have begun to assess their campus climate and work towards access, inclusion, and equity for all who experience their campuses. PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 26 The National Center for Education Statistics report titled, Projections of Education Statistics to 2024, noted that 'between the years 2007 and 2018, the enrollment of African American students in degree-granting US institutions will increase by 26%, 38% for Hispanics and 14% for undocumented students thereby making college campuses more diverse than they have ever been before, (Hussar & Bailey, 2016). While this is positive news, it is also a call to action for university administrators. As college campuses become less homogenous in favor of a more diverse and inclusive student body, faculty and senior-level administrators will need to work towards ensuring that campuses are tolerant and inclusive environments for all students. These institutions must also ensure they properly support these larger populations of students of color in their efforts to reach degree attainment. Support is imperative because, while the number of students of color entering college has seen an increase, these students are still underrepresented at every degree level in colleges and universities across the nation, and their persistence rates are far lower than those of their White and Asian counterparts. Researchers, Astin and Oseguera found that while Asian American and White students persist to degree attainment at rates above 58%, Black and Hispanic student persistence rates are relatively lower (46%) when compared on a six-year timeline (Astin & Oseguera, 2005). While there are many factors attributed to the persistence epidemic for students of color in US institutions of higher learning, the underlying narrative is that persistence for these students is directly related to the lack of representation in culture and race at predominantly White institutions (PWIs). In 2011, Ohio State University faculty member, Dr. Terrell Strayhorn, conducted a study on nearly 500 underrepresented first-year college students at roughly 60 universities in the United States and found that, three years from the time of their enrollment, 40% of the PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 27 participants were no longer pursuing an undergraduate degree. It was noted that of the students no longer enrolled, most had not been as involved in extracurricular activities and had little experience interacting with faculty and staff, (Strayhorn, 2011). These findings directly attribute to the lack of representation for students of color in social organizations and centers sponsored by the student’s respective institutions in addition to an overall lack of diverse faculty and staff members. In his article, The Color of Success, researcher W.R. Allen (1992) found a direct correlation between institutions where diverse faculty and staff were lacking and the low graduation rates of students of color. Allen's research concluded that the 'racial composition of the student population is directly related to social engagement, relationships with faculty and, ultimately, academic achievement' (Allen, 1992). Plainly stated, if students of color do not feel supported on their college campuses, they will not persist to graduation (Allen, 1992). The same reigns true for people of color in administrative positions on college campuses. In as recent as 2016, Black women in administration were considered an ‘endangered species in higher ed administration’ in that they made up just five percent of all executive, administrative, and managerial positions held by women in higher education (Allan-Brown, 1998; Holmes 2004, 84; Wright 2006; American Council on Education, 2016). Racial and gendered microaggressions. Microaggressions have three classifications of which to classify the exclusion, isolation, and silencing of Black women in higher education administration: microassaults, microinsults and microinvalidations (Perez Huber & Solorzano, 2015; Sue, 2010). Excluding Black women from opportunities for advancement and professional development due to differences in ideals and comfortability is an example of a microassault. Sue defined microassault as "an explicit racial derogation characterized primarily by verbal or PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 28 nonverbal attack meant to hurt the intended victim through avoidant behavior or purposeful discriminatory actions"(Sue, 2010). This type of microaggression was prevalent in the 1950s as more Black women inched outside of domestic employment and into the mainstream working class. The isolation of Black women, not to be misconstrued with the experience of exclusion, is the more subtle ways in which Black women deduce they are the 'other' in the office. Only providing Black women with work that pertains to Black people, or people of color in general, and tokenizing their experiences as a Black person for the benefit of the department through a 'mental pimping' are considered microinsults. Microinsults are defined as "a rudeness or insensitivity in communication that demean a person's racial heritage or identity" (Sue, 2010). Furthermore, the silencing of Black women can be considered a microinvalidation in that their "thoughts, feelings, or experiential realities" are constantly negated, nullified, and devalued, (Sue, 2010). Connecting back to the experiences of the participants in 'Shifting,' an overwhelming sense of stress when presenting new ideas to senior leadership was noted as a common experience amongst Black women (Jones & Shorter-Gooden, 2003). The impact of racial and gendered microaggressions is multi-faceted in that they take both a psychological and physiological toll on the recipient (Perez Huber & Solorzano, 2015). Where physicality is concerned, Max Guyll and the research team at the University of Pittsburgh discovered that for Black women, experiencing microaggressions was linked to spikes in blood pressure, which potentially increased their risk for cardiovascular disease (Guyll, Matthews & Bromberger; 2001). While race-related stress has a significant impact on the physical health of people of color in the United States, for Black women, in particular, there are higher levels of cardiovascular disease, increased death rates to other people of color and diabetes, (Brown & PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 29 Keith, 2003; Satcher et al. 2005; Roger et al., 2012; Franklin et al. 2014; National Center for Health Statistics, 2015). Negotiating race and sexism in the workplace also takes a psychological toll on Black women in that they also report higher levels of depression and generalized anxiety disorder. This discovery is marred by the fact that Black women are less likely than their White counterparts to seek therapy, considering the stigma surrounding mental illness in the Black community. In a survey conducted by the National Mental Health Association on the prevalence of depression in women, it was discovered that 63 percent of Black survey respondents viewed depression as a 'personal weakness' (National Center of Mental Health, 2019). Moreover, of those Black women that did acknowledge the existence of mental illness and the subsequent need to seek treatment, a pattern of underdiagnosis after evaluation by psychologists and clinical social workers, (Jones & Shorter-Gooden, 2003, p.126). Society's disregard for the Black woman's physical and psychological illnesses and disorders at the infliction of racist and gendered microaggressions deny them the ability to "name" the pain caused by their everyday experiences with racism, so that it cannot be dismissed (Freire, 1970). The Black community must recognize these experiences as a way to remedy the physical and psychological manifestations of having been exposed to them. Pierce stated that in order to alleviate the negative impact these experiences have on the mental and physical health of the receptor, they must take the appropriate action to address each instance when it occurs rather than let them compound indefinitely, (Pierce, 1974, 520). Stereotypes of Black women within American society and the effects they have on the contemporary Black woman’s experience in the workplace. Microaggressions are born out of the negative stereotypes within American society. Jerald et al. (2017) defines a stereotype PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 30 as 'a psychological construct related to attitudes and cognitions, whereas controlling image is a sociological construct relevant to ideology and structural inequality.' These substitutions for representation act as a pretense of knowledge about an individual or group a form of representation (hooks, 1995, p. 38). While stereotypes can be born from various experiences rooted in American culture, the negative stereotypes about Black women in particular, 'represent an ideological justification for the formal and informal structural mechanisms of institutional racism'; (Perez Huber & Solorzano, 2015; Jerald et al., 2017). The most prevalent stereotypes of Black women aid the dominant patriarchy in subjecting this group to a lifetime of inferiority to all other dominant identities (male, female, Black, White) in American society. Black, feminist author, bell hooks (1995), posited that the devaluation of Black womanhood is central to the maintenance of the White, male, capitalist, patriarchy on which the foundation of America is built, (p. 78). Slavery produced many of the oppressive images of Black women that still exist and affect their experiences in all aspects of contemporary society. The Mammy, (read Strong Black Woman/SBW) and the Sapphire (read Angry Black Woman/ABW) are racist and misogynistic stereotypes that American society has created of the Black woman that frame their unique experiences with microaggressions and oppression in the modern workforce. The Mammie. The enslavement of Africans in America resulted in the exploitation of hard and free labor on plantations in the deep south for White, male profit. While African men and women worked from "sunup to sundown" in the vast rice, sugar cane, and cotton fields of their master's plantations, there were few who were relegated to work inside the home. The most prolific of these domestic workers was the head of the domestic staff. She began working in the home as a young girl tasked with accompanying and waiting on the lady of the house and her PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 31 children. Before long, she was used to assist other domestics, which included, but were not limited to, the cook, the maid, the waiter, and the caretaker. Essentially, she was a "cleanup woman" who was expected to prioritize the needs of everyone else in the masters home (Jones & Shorter-Gooden, 2003; Jerald et al., 2017). When she reached adolescence, she began to have children of her own, and with that, she added the title of wet nurse to her duties. In middle age, she grew to have the position of head domestic, given that she would be best able to train newer slaves on how to perform their duties to the master and mistress' liking. It is from this real-life 'model minority' perspective that the antebellum archetype of the Mammie or strong, Black woman (SBW) came to exist in American culture. Following the Civil War and the Emancipation Proclamation of 1863, American society began to reconcile the dissonance between the northern and southern states by cultivating this Mammie image as the compromise. The revisionist history of the freed, African American female slave as a Mammie who was content with her duties of servitude thereby justified her 'past enslavement and continuing oppression' (Harris-Perry, 2011; Collins, 1986). To remove blame from White owners, repackage indentured servitude (read sharecropping) for those Blacks still present in the south and to ensure the segregation of the races, Black women were caricatured as appreciative, well-fed, happy, content individuals who were devoid of emotion, asexual and completely dedicated to serving their White employers. While the image of the Mammie saw several transformations over the last two centuries, society has not done away with the stereotype, or the discrimination it can perpetuate, in the workforce. Though she may not look the same, she is still responsible for a large workload. The foundation of the Mammie caricature persists in today's workplace in that Black women consistently report being unofficial heads of staff. Black women speak of being overworked PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 32 (read model domestic), underpaid (read cheap labor), silenced (read fearful of retaliation), and powerless (read slave). Today’s Black women, regardless of field, also attest to having their ideas taken without being acknowledged, feeling too proud to ask for help, and being given little margin for error or to be merely competent, (Jones & Shorter-Gooden, 2003). The Sapphire. Following the Civil Rights movement and the start of the war in Vietnam, American society saw a shift in ideals. Protests against the Vietnam war replaced marches for freedom and equality. In the Black community, integration did not produce equality as police brutality, and an unfair justice system became more prevalent and resulted in a new kind of movement; Black nationalism. With the founding of the Black Panther Party in the late 1960s, select members of Black society were now fighting for the eradication of systemic racism in the allocation of government funds, access to quality education, redlining and gentrifying Black neighborhoods and unjust sentencing in the judicial system by any means necessary. During this movement, Black women took more of an active stance in the Black Panther Party. They gave speeches to recruit more members, learned to fire guns to protect themselves, and were just as susceptible to being unfairly imprisoned by the justice system as their male counterparts. Eventually, the war, the crackdown on the Black Panther Party, and the rampant post-war drug use relegated many Black women and children without men in the home, leaving them to raise families on their own. Instead of being revered for their strength and survival, Black men retaliated by joining the ranks of mainstream propaganda and created the angry Black woman stereotype. The Black male leaders of these political organizations were equally interested in maintaining the Black female stereotype as ‘unnaturally aggressive and independent’ as it allowed them to ‘suppress the Black woman’s ambition for political leadership PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 33 (Harris-Perry, 2011). It is from this real-life 'woman beyond reproach' perspective that the post- war archetype of the Sapphire or angry Black woman (ABW) came to exist in American culture. Coincidentally around this time, sitcoms and variety shows like Sanford & Son, What’s Happening, The Flip Wilson Show, and numerous blaxploitation films sprang up caricaturing Black women as domineering, loud, shrewd, nagging, emasculating, aggressive and argumentative (West, 1995). This widespread cultural propaganda turned strong, Black women into the ‘Black Bitches’ of our cultural imaginations and held Black women accountable for ‘power they did not possess’ (Harris-Perry, 2011). Unfortunately, this negative stereotype has resulted in many Black women feeling as if their passion for justice, fairness, and equality is perceived as irrational and disruptive, which results in a silencing of their complaints against the discrimination they face in the workplace. The ABW myth continues to render Black women as 'invisible and mute' (Harris-Perry, 2011). Dismissing Black women who buck against societal norms of mistreatment as angry is purposefully done to punish them and render them servile and unseen (Cooper, 2018; Pilgrim, 2015). Transformational Resistance (TR) Solorzano and Delgado Bernal (2001) referred to transformational resistance as a behavior that displays both a criticism of oppression and a passion for social change (Solórzano & Delgado Bernal, 2001). Through transformational resistance, one critiques the oppressive conditions and structures of control and is motivated by a sense of social justice (Solórzano & Delgado Bernal, 2001). Researchers Solórzano and Delgado Bernal (2001) conducted a qualitative study in the form of counter-storytelling that utilized CRT and Latina/Latino CRT as a framework. Focusing on two events in Chicana/Chicano student history, the 1968 East Los Angeles school walkouts and the 1993 UCLA student strike for Chicana and Chicano studies, the PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 34 authors employed the notion of resistance to hone in on its transformative potential and its internal and external dimensions (Solórzano & Delgado Bernal, 2001). Transforming Themselves as a Reaction. Beyond research studies and regardless of industry or field, anecdotally, the notion has been presented that Black women resort to loosely defined rules and subjective states of being in the workplace in order to appease the dominant majority (i.e., White, male). A recent article in the Huffington Post titled I’m Exhausted From Trying To Be The ‘Right’ Kind of Black Girl At Work by guest writer D. Shante discusses the various ways in which the author code-switches to fit in at her office. Shante's piece vividly illustrated the 'tiny ways in which she went into survival mode' by policing and modifying her behavior and appearance to adapt to her new sociocultural normal (Shante, 2018). The author mentioned that despite the hard work and dedication she put in for her successful career, the microaggressions she dealt with at work led to an enormous amount of self-doubt. Though she found code-switching an exhaustive process, she needed to keep it up for survival. The literature on Black women in administration at HWIs primarily explores the experiences of this population from a deficit perspective in that they face microaggressions in their roles, have been systematically oppressed in the field, and struggle for opportunities to advance into positions of power. The literature fails to investigate how the few Black women who made it to senior-level positions at HWIs reconciled the microaggressions they experienced throughout their careers, whether battle fatigue resulted from these experiences and whether they compromised on their authentic selves to obtain these coveted positions of power. Black Women and Mental Health. The concept of the 'self' for Black women (and for this study, those in administration at HWIs in particular), is elusive and polarizing in that their identities in the workplace are created with their understanding of the negative stereotypes of PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 35 Black women and their imagined perception of how the dominant others in their workplace view them. W.E.B. DuBois referred to this phenomenon as 'double consciousness,' or the sense of always imagining one's self through the perception or gaze of others (DuBois, 1903; Kaplan, 1996, Walters, 1995). Student development theories posit that identity is formed from the outside looking in, thereby based on an external lens that makes assumptions of us (Patton et al., 2016). This can be confusing for the Black woman because they navigate two very distinct worlds with intersecting identities, of which neither gets it quite 'right.' Black women in the United States have always found themselves between a "rock and a hard place." One the one hand, they have been victims of systemic oppression and treated as second-hand citizens due to their race. On the other hand, they have been economically disenfranchised and sexually victimized because of their gender. To be in this space is to be continually leveraging one half of one's identity in support of the other. The revelation that they are treated differently because of gender exacerbates the fact that they are doubly-disenfranchised based on the color of their skin. Metastereotyping, or the manifestation of perceived discrimination, is the direct result of being aware that negative stereotypes about one's identity exist, and it has visceral physical, psychological, and emotional effects on Black women, in particular (Jerald et al., 2017). This hyperawareness of self is sufficient enough of an experience to result in elevated levels of stress. Hyperawareness in Black women can result in diminished self-care behaviors that lead to a host of adverse mental health outcomes such as anxiety, depression, and inferiority complexes like imposter syndrome (Jerald et al., 2017; Steel & Aronson, 1995). Imposter syndrome, as defined by Imes and Clance (1978), is the internal negation of accomplishments and awards as earned due to a lack of overall self-confidence. Essentially, some groups (after PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 36 years of being bombarded with negative stereotypes about their level of intelligence, create these inferiority complexes that perpetuate the perceptions they are trying to eradicate (Steel & Aronson, 1995). In summation, Critical Race Feminism and Transformational Resistance is the foundation for this literature review and this study. The negative aspects of these theories serve as the 'rock and a hard place' for Black women in senior-level administration at HWIs, while the positive aspects serve as their protection. The image below illustrates how CRF and TR work in conjunction with one another to explore the experiences of Black women in administration at HWIs while revealing the transformational resistance strategies they implore to maintain their self-efficacy and visibility. The figure below illustrates the Black woman operating within the confines of negative perceptions and the effects they can have on her mental and physical state. This study seeks to understand how these women move within this experience and protect their own identities and self-efficacy. PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 37 Figure A. Conceptual model of theoretical frameworks. PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 38 CHAPTER THREE: METHODOLOGY This chapter identifies the research methods I have utilized to examine how Black women in administration at an HWI in Southern California navigate microaggressions and their identity in the workplace. The methodology for this study is presented in the following steps: (1) An explanation of and rationale for using qualitative methods, (2) Narrative analysis and its appropriateness as it pertains to addressing this phenomenon, (3) Data collection and analysis are described in detail and include insight on sampling, participants, interview protocol, and document analysis. This chapter will conclude with the study's limitations and an insight into the procedures used to ensure the study is ethical and credible. Qualitative Method Punch and Qancea (2014) describe qualitative research as being "based on the belief that knowledge is constructed by people in an ongoing fashion as they engage in and make meaning of an activity, experience or phenomenon",(Punch & Qancea, 2014, p. 146). Qualitative research aims to understand how people interpret their experiences, construct their worlds, and simply comprehend how people make sense of their lived experiences (Merriam & Tisdell, 2015, p. 15). Qualitative methodologies allow inquiry into selected issues in great depth with particular attention to "detail, context and nuance" (Patton, 2002, p. 14). Maxwell (2013) affirms the use of a qualitative methodology as the best approach to explore a phenomenon of interest. Through open-ended, semi-structured interviews guided by a list of questions, the participants will be provided with an opportunity to discuss their experiences in a manner that would best address the PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 39 research questions. Each interview will hold equal value towards the analysis of the data collected (Merriam & Tisdell, 2016). Narrative Analysis Within qualitative methods, the specific methodology used in this study is that of narrative analysis. Narrative analysis, as defined by Mishler (1986), denotes the responses given to interview questions as more than answers; these responses are stories, accounts, and narratives. Honoring the need for Black women, an often silenced and ignored population according to CRF and TR theories, narrative analysis served as the most effective research methodology that empowers its participants to address and examine the "gender inequalities, racial oppression, and other practices of power that may be taken for granted by the individual speaker" (Mischler, 1986; Reissman, 1993, p. 5). Not to be misconstrued with counter storytelling in which the researcher seeks to tell the stories of people who are often overlooked in the literature and majoritarian stories are examined and critiqued, narrative analysis allows for the counter-narrative to be developed by the participant and the researcher (Solórzano & Yosso, 2002; Risseman, 2008; Mishler, 1986). Michler posits that “the interviewer’s presence as a co-participant is an unavoidable and essential component of the discourse, and an interviewer’s mode of questioning influences a story’s production and thereby aids in narrative creation” (Misher, 1986, p.105; Risseman, 2008, p. 21). In each interview, I also shared my personal experiences with microaggressions in the workplace with the participants so as to build a level of trust and understanding. This allowed for a mutually transparent conversation between the participants and I that captured the feelings of these experiences in their truest and most unfiltered forms. PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 40 Using narrative analysis to better understand the experiences of Black women in administration at a private HWI in Southern California allows the researcher to play a significant role in helping to generate the narrative (Mischler, 1986). Research is a fundamentally relational project that is relational to ways of knowing, who can know and place, (Patel, 2015, p. 48). Given the nature of the study and the researcher’s positionality as a Black woman in administration at an HWI, the researcher should explore their own experiences in order to ensure their awareness of personal bias, prejudice, and assumptions', (Merriam & Tisdell, 2016). In keeping with my decision to be mutually transparent in this study, I was sure to reflect on their stories and end chapter four with my own recollection of a microaggressive experience in the workplace. Using CRF and TR as the theoretical frameworks, this study is relevant today because the subject of microaggressions in educational research has yet to discuss how Black women in administration, make concerted decisions to protect themselves from these experiences while still working steadfastly toward advancement and by default, more of these experiences (Clance & Imes, 1978; Howard-Vital, 1989; Allan-Brown, 1998; Holder et al., 2015; Jerald et al., 2017). Setting The behaviors of individuals in a given setting are based on their interactions with the environment (Lewin, 1935). The setting for this study is a large, private university founded in Southern California in the late 19 th century. Initially built as an institution with ties to a Methodist church, the university ended its religious affiliations in the mid-20 th century. The institution's population consists of more than 70K students, faculty, and staff and is considered a top research institution in the United States. One of the more diverse campuses in Southern California, the institution boasts from its inception that race would not be a factor in their PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 41 admission practices. Nevertheless, it should be considered an HWI as the many murals, statues, and buildings on its campus bear the likeness and namesakes of wealthy, White men. Seeking to embody the principles of transformative resistance and decolonization, the description of the university in which this qualitative study takes place is intentionally vague. Rather than protect the university's reputation by creating a pseudonym, that protection was afforded to the participants in the study. Out of respect for the institution, all identifiable information alluded to in the interviews has been redacted. Participants Using a purposeful, convenient sampling, I interviewed fifteen participants individually for one hour during the data collection process of this study. Merriam and Tisdell (2016) define purposeful sampling as ‘selecting from a sample in which the most can be learned.' This study recruited participants who identified as Black women that work in higher ed administration. They needed at least five years of experience in the field with evidence of steady progression. Lastly, they were required to define the term ‘microaggression’ in their own words to exemplify that they are familiar with the concept and can readily describe if and how it has transpired in the workplace. The participants self-identified as Black and worked in administration positions in academic and student affairs such as (but not limited to) admission, advising, human resources, and residential life. The range of experience within the participant group is five to twenty years. Thirteen of the participants have graduate-level degrees (masters, doctorate, or both), one is currently working on her graduate degree, and one participant's highest level of education is an associate's degree. The titles held by the participants vary in conjunction with their years of experience. Each participant selected for this study has previous experiences with microaggressions in their respective higher education departments, which thereby made them PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 42 suitable to interview for this study. While I, the researcher, did not interview for this study, I consider myself as a participant in that I meet the aforementioned qualifications to participate and share my own experiences with microaggressions in the workplace in the next chapter. Data Collection and Instrumentation Before initiating the study, approval was provided by the Institutional Review Board (IRB) to recruit participants that meet the criteria above through announcements to LinkedIn, Facebook, and Professional GroupMe member groups with predominantly Black subscribers. A demographic questionnaire was used to identify participants that fit the criteria for the study before the individual interview process. Demographic Questionnaire Using the Qualtrics XM survey software, an online demographic questionnaire was then emailed to all individuals that expressed interest in participating in the study. The questionnaire consisted of 32 questions that asked participants a series of questions that provided insight into the number of employees they supervised, department specialties, years of experience, highest level of education, and their understanding of the term 'microaggression.' In addition to collecting the demographic information, the Qualtrics survey also provided the participants with a brief overview of the purpose of the study and a timeline for the interview process (if selected). Lastly, it informed them that they would be compensated with a $20 Starbucks gift card if they completed the interview. Once an interested individual completed the questionnaire and confirmed they were consenting to participate, an excel report was extracted from the Qualtrics website with the information participants provided. The researcher then thoroughly reviewed the 28 responses received and selected 15 participants with the age range, years of experience, and PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 43 titles that were most in line with the purpose of the study. Dates and times were then confirmed for those selected. Interviews Interviews were selected as the primary form of data collection for this study because identifying how, if at all, Black women in administration at HWIs compromise on their identities and combat microaggressions in the workplace requires a recollection of events that cannot be replicated or easily observed (Maxwell, 2013; Merriam & Tisdell, 2016; Patton 2002; Weiss, 1994). All interviews were conducted via Zoom classroom to allow the participants the freedom to determine where they were most comfortable discussing their experiences freely. This method of data collection allowed participants to be transparent about their experiences with microaggressions in the workplace without fear of their colleagues overhearing their comments and allowed me to record each session simultaneously. The interview protocols were semi-structured with questions that were ‘a mix of more and less structured’(Merriam & Tisdell, 2016, p. 110). Using this approach, if a response needed clarification, I was able to use the list of questions to manage the structure of the interviews, to follow-up on questions, or to probe the participants. The interview process consisted of five sets of questions that included the following categories: workplace setting, interactions within the department, experiences with microaggressions, responses to microaggressions, and mental health and self-efficacy. Each category consists of a minimum of three questions to a maximum of eight questions for a total of twenty questions asked to each participant. The questions asked were a combination of contrasting, descriptive, direct, opinion, and storytelling. PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 44 Data analysis In qualitative research, data collection and analysis must occur simultaneously so that the researcher is not overwhelmed by the large quantity of data that must be analyzed, (Merriam & Tisdell, 2016; Coffey & Atkinson, 1996; Marshall & Rossman, 1999). Following the completion of each semi-structured interview, the audio was uploaded to rev.com, a professional transcribing service, for transcription. As the transcriptions were being completed for the subsequent interviews, the information presented in the available interviews was analyzed for themes and categories that could be prescribed as a priori codes and child codes in the study. Researchers use as many categories as possible during the data analysis process as a way to identify themes and patterns from the participant's perspective (Agar, 1980; Jacob, 1987). Once the transcriptions of the interviews were available for review, each paragraph spoken by the interviewee was highlighted and words or phrases from their statements as it pertained to the research and interview questions were harvested. According to Rossman and Rallis (2012), coding consists of organizing the data into 'bracketed chunks of text' and identifying a word or phrase that accurately represents the category in which the text resides. The categories were then labeled with an in vivo term, or a term that is based on the actual language used by the participant. After the words and phrases were pulled from the documents, the words were then grouped under umbrella themes. Based on the research questions, it was expected that several of the participants would use the term 'microaggression' so it became an apriori code. Corresponding descriptions of microaggressions, such as feeling 'policed,' were then subsequently coded as MPOLI. Additional a priori codes (see Appendix D) used from the interviews included Responses, Skill Sets, Desires, Feelings, Identity, Motivation, and Self-Care. PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 45 Limitations Limitations of this study include the fact that data was collected from a single institution and that microaggressions from Black men in higher education administration was not an area of focus. Where the single institution is concerned, this study highlights the experiences of Black female administrators at a large institution in one of the most populated states in the United States of America. While the number of participants in the study is quite large compared to similar studies on this subject, this does not capture the experiences of Black female administrators in college settings that may differ (i.e., HBCU's, HSI's, community colleges, liberal arts schools). While the qualitative method of this study does not require a significant number of participants to validate said phenomena, a larger sample of participants with experiences from several institutions across the continental U.S. would be ideal. Additionally, this study will not capture the experiences that Black women in administrative positions at HWIs have with their Black male and other male colleagues of color who may perpetuate sexist and misogynistic microaggressions in the workplace. Positionality The notion of positionality “rests on the assumption that a culture is more than a monolithic entity to which one belongs or not” (Merriam et al., 2001, p.411). Positionality takes into consideration the relationship with our participants and how factors such as education, race, class, ethnicity, gender, sexual orientation, and prior experiences impact our research (Merriam et al., 2001; S. Merriam & Tisdell, 2016). Patel (2015) states: While we have a responsibility to understand, contribute to, and be fluent in existing research, we also are responsible for our ontological entry-points and impacts as researchers. Because all research is conducted by living beings, with specific histories, PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 46 we are beholden to consider and answer, perhaps always incompletely, the three core questions of "Why me?", "Why this?" "Who now?" (p.57) Therefore, critical self-reflection in qualitative research is vital. In order for me, the researcher, to honor this work and the lived experiences of the participants, I was sure to be aware of my assumptions, worldview, biases, theoretical orientation, relationship to the study and how they may have affected my study (Merriam & Tisdell, 2016). Because of the specificity of this topic and the nuances of the lived experience of being a Black woman in higher ed administration, the nature of this study required an individual within this marginalized group to conduct this research. I believed I was in the position to conduct this study because I am a Black woman working in higher education administration who has often questioned how other women, like myself, were able to protect their self-efficacy and advance into senior-level positions in higher education administration; a space where they are often the minority. It is important to study this phenomenon because it provides insight into how prevalent this form of workplace oppression across various types of institutions is. Through a CRF and TR theoretical framework, I sought to conduct this study at this time in contemporary society because the subject of microaggressions in educational research has yet to discuss how we, as Black women in higher ed administration, make concerted efforts to protect ourselves from these experiences. Additionally, I was able to share my own experiences in higher education administration with the participants which resulted in transparent conversations about race, misogyny and mental health between Black women. Hence, all colloquialisms and phrases used by myself or the participants herein, come from a place of realism and comfort and hold no bearings on our professionalism and respectability. It is my understanding that the participants in this study felt comfortable enough to share their perceptions of microaggressive phenomena in PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 47 the workplace and how they have managed to circumvent these experiences, remain true to their own identities, and advance into senior-level leadership. Credibility and Trustworthiness Merriam and Tisdell (2016) posited that a study must first be conducted ethically in order to ensure its validity and reliability, concerns that require the researchers' careful attention to the ways the data is collected, analyzed, and interpreted. With this information in mind, the researcher first conceptualized how the analysis of the qualitative study should be approached to ensure there were no questions regarding the credibility of the participants and that the conclusions made from this information would make sense to the public, (Firestone, 1987). It was decided that it would be best if all individually analyzed transcriptions were then analyzed together as a means of cross-checking data obtained from the interviews. This concept is referred to as triangulation, or the use of multiple methods of data with different strengths and limitations to support a singular conclusion (Creswell, 2014, Merriam & Tisdell, 2016; Maxwell, 2013). By using triangulation, the researcher was able to ensure credibility and trustworthiness by reducing the risk of researcher bias reflected in conclusion (Merriam & Tisdell, 2016). To further establish the credibility and trustworthiness of this study, the researcher employed reflexivity. Reflexivity, according to Merriam (2009), occurs when the researcher critically examines their role and influence as the researcher. Additionally, Merriam and Tisdell (2016) noted that the intellectual rigor of the researcher could also determine the credibility of the study. Ethics Where ethics is concerned, the researcher is obligated to protect their participants from harm, respect their right to privacy and ensure their consent is obtained before conducting the study (Creswell, 2014; Merriam & Tisdell, 2016). Transparency throughout the study was PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 48 necessary in order to proceed with the study in an ethical manner. Participants were made aware of the researchers' purpose for conducting the research and its intended audience (Bogdan & Biklen, 2017). Before each interview, the researcher requested virtual consent through the completion of the demographic questionnaire and verbal consent of each participant's desire to participate in the study. The researcher was also sure to notify the participants that all identifiable information would be deleted or redacted from the interviews to protect their careers in higher education. Information like names, cities, and places of employment were all redacted to maintain their anonymity. Additionally, each participant was asked for consent to use the data gathered from their interview as part of the study. Once consent was received, the researcher then informed the participant that they were allowed to end the interview at any time and had the right to refuse to answer a question if they deemed it inappropriate or uncomfortable. As previously mentioned, IRB approval was required throughout each step of the study design. This process ensured that ethics were considered as the methods, research questions, and frameworks were chosen (Maxwell, 2013). Lastly, the researcher was sure to think critically about any potential concerns that the participants might have prior to commencing the interview and attempted to address those issues before they arose (Maxwell, 2013). PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 49 CHAPTER FOUR: QUALITATIVE DATA ANALYSIS AND INTERPRETATION Renowned author, activist, poet, and feminist, Audre Lorde, once stated that "far too often Black women are expected to be all things to all people and speak everyone else's position but our very own" (1984, p.62). A purveyor of Black, feminist realism in the face of the divisiveness perpetrated by the White feminists of her time, Lorde's writings on the intersectionality of feminism remains cannon in the context of the larger feminist movement and paramount to this study. In contrast to the daily lives of Black women in higher ed administration at an HWI, this chapter seeks to uplift their often silenced voices and share their experiences of disenfranchisement as a teachable moment for those in the field. This chapter presents the findings from fifteen, semi-structured interviews with Black, female administrators at a private, HWI in Southern California. Meeting the Participants Before presenting the findings of this qualitative research study, I must make an introduction to the fifteen participants who selflessly and transparently gave of their time, their trust and their impactful stories for the sake of Black women in higher education administration at universities across the nation. Using biographical and personal information, I will attempt to paint a portrait of each participant that captures their essence while respectfully safeguarding their confidentiality. In doing so, I aim to ensure that whoever is privy to consume and learn from their stories do so with a better understanding of, and relation to, each participant. Additionally, all quotes provided in this study have been paraphrased and synthesized to maintain the overarching context within each thought. I, the researcher, chose to select an alias for each participant to protect them from identification amongst one another, considering they are all employed at the same institution. PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 50 Additionally, the aliases were chosen to ensure the privacy, confidentiality and anonymity of all; prevent any possible retaliation for the overall concept of this research or the honesty of the opinions and transparency of the experiences described herein (Glesne, 2011). The pseudonyms I selected for each participant are the first names of influential Black women in American History 2 so as to remember the women from yesterday whose pursuits inspired us to reach higher and to honor the women of today who shared their lives with me to make this research possible (see Table 1). 2 Alice Walker, Angela Davis, Audre Lorde, Billie Holiday, CJ Walker, Dorothy Height, Jane Bolin, Josephine Baker, Katherine Johnson, Kathleen Cleaver, Marian Anderson, Maya Angelou, Michelle Obama, Thyrsa Frazier Svager and Toni Morrison were all pseudonyms chosen for this study. PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 51 Table 1: List of Participants Pseudonym Title Highest Level of Education Years in Higher Education 3 Alice Advisor Masters 5 years Angela Assistant Director Doctorate 11-15 years Audre Director Doctorate 6-10 years Billie Manager Masters 5 years CJ Coordinator Masters 5 years Dorothy Director Doctorate 5 years Jane Assistant Director Doctorate 6-10 years Josephine Processor Associate 6-10 years Katherine Advisor Doctorate 11-15 years Kathleen Associate Director Doctorate 16+ years Marian Advisor Masters 5 years Maya Associate Director Doctorate 5 years Michelle Director Doctorate 16+ years Thyrsa Associate Director Masters 11-15 years Toni Coordinator Masters 5 years 3 Years of experience in higher ed administration does not equate to years of overall work experience. All women with at least five years of experience have worked in other industries prior to their current roles. PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 52 Alice, The Reluctant Therapist Alice (27) wears her heart on her sleeve and is one of the most genuinely honest and transparent participants in the study. She is a stealthy breath of fresh air in that you may find yourself giving her your whole life story and laughing at the ridiculousness of it all. I do not think she knows this, but she has a gift to disarm even the most guarded individual with her pleasant and authentic conversations. Angela, The Principle Chameleon A former professional dancer, Angela (32), has spent the last decade of her life, cheering on students of color while helping them navigate the college experience to reach their full potential. She has a sarcastic sense of humor that borders on complete seriousness…but fun. Often mistaken for a student because her 'Black don't crack' (like all of the other sisters in this study), she uses this privilege to relate and get to know her students, many of whom look up to her as a mentor and confidant. Audre, The It Girl If higher education were a field for 'it' girls, Audre (36) would fit the bill. She earned her Ph.D. before the age of 25 and went on to become a leading researcher in her field while also working as an administrator at the university. A staunch supporter of diversity initiatives and holistic health, Audre has a magnetic aura and a personality that is larger than life. Billie, The People’s Influencer Billie (34) makes use of her right and left brain hemispheres in spectacular fashion. While she deals with financial matters during her typical 9-5, from 6-12, she's painting award- winning artwork and composing music. Billie always puts forth a pleasant demeanor, and PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 53 regardless of her circumstances, she will always have a warm and genuine smile just for you. She loves getting to know people and working with numbers. CJ, The Grand Oracle Imagine the year is 1972…that's it. That's CJ (41). She's spent six years in the world of Human Resources, which has allowed her to see many people come and go at the university. She has an old soul and an ability to read people and experiences. She enjoys asking questions and summing people down to their core beliefs in life. Dorothy, The Defiant One Dorothy (30) has worked in many departments over the last five years and has never been afraid to move on from a situation with a swiftness rivaled by none. Now that she has settled nicely into a position that values her contributions to cultural engagement, she is eager to build a lasting foundation for her students and her career. She will tell it to you straight, with no chaser and will call a thing, “a thing”. Jane, Code Name Triage While Jane (33) has 6-10 years of experience in curriculum development, the way she can move and shake in terms of getting things done screams “triage”. She effortlessly and efficiently is one that can quickly assess a student or a department's situation in a matter of minutes by asking the right questions. She is a ball of uncontained energy (even on her sick days) with a must-do demeanor that dares one to keep up. An impactful mentor, she makes sure to find the time to be there for those in need of her expertise (both students and colleagues). Josephine, The Rosette de la Resistance Josephine (47) has worked with data for much of her time at the university, which has put her in rooms in which she was the only woman, let alone Black woman, on staff. Having that PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 54 experience has given her an appreciation for sisterhood and connecting with other women of color in higher ed administration. Not one to be jaded, she loves watching comedies in her downtime and attests to their ability to bring levity to even the darkest of times. Katherine, The International Realist Katherine (34) has spent 11-15 years working in secondary and postsecondary institutions internationally. She has an understanding of the world and the people in it with the disposition of a wise sage (in that not very much surprises her). She is effortlessly chill, quietly cool, and capable of wearing many hats. Kathleen, The Witful Wordsmith Kathleen (47) has been in, out, up, down, and around all parts of the university over the last 16+ years. She has been a three-time student (undergrad, masters, and doctorate) and worked in various departments in student affairs. She often boasts that she “knows how the sandwich is made”; which is a benefit to any student blessed enough to have her as a resource. She is committed to helping Black students succeed. She has a way with words and wit that makes her a phenom at getting her way. Marian, The Bold Ingenue At just 25 years of age, Marian is the youngest participant in this study, but she is wise beyond her years. She has a quiet intuitiveness about her and exudes confidence without having to say much. She considers herself to be observant and no stranger to using a plethora of nonverbal tactics to get her point across. Ever in tune, she has a knack for always knowing exactly what her “sisters” (read other Black women) are thinking. She'll sometimes use her intuitiveness to advise students on which opportunities in life may be best suited for them to reach their respective goals. PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 55 Maya, The Insightful Avenger Maya (29) is soft-spoken with a calm and collected demeanor like her namesake, Maya Angelou. Her fascination with problem-solving has resulted in her hitting the ground running while managing up in many of the roles she's had in Student Affairs, and that's the way she likes it. She prides herself on being able to merge the capabilities of administrator processes with the innovative programming that faculty demands. Michelle, The Loyal Lightbearer Michelle (44) has been with her department in various roles for the last twenty years. She is a loyal believer in the work she does there. As an institutional cornerstone, she devotes her time and her resources to serving first-generation students of color; ensuring that they have the social capital needed to not only graduate, but to have access to the same opportunities as their more connected counterparts. Thyrsa, The Wise Financier Amongst many other talents, Thyrsa (40) has expertise in all things money and readily assists students with finding funding to pursue their education at the university. She has an excellent memory in that she can remember names and numbers like no other. A self-proclaimed introvert, she tends to be on the observant side and plays her cards close to the vest. Only those who spend the time getting to know her will know what she truly thinks about a given situation. Toni, The Thought Provoker Some may say that Toni (35) has the imposing exterior of someone not to be ‘messed with’ but, having got the opportunity to get to know her myself, I find her to be as thoughtful and kind as they come. Incredibly humble, she rarely sings her own praises though she should. As a PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 56 former foster youth, she faced less than favorable conditions in childhood but lived to tell her story. When Toni isn’t cultivating networks, she enjoys writing scripts and watching films. Deepest Condolences: Black Bodies in the Ivory Tower In Lessons from A Black Woman Administrator (2011), Dowdy and Hamilton posited that it takes Black women much practice and a high level of maturity to be able to 'turn difficult situations to their advantage while considering the needs of others.' They went on to claim that this selfless state of being in the workplace is one that many leaders should strive toward. Understanding that Black women are doubly disenfranchised and disadvantaged in the workplace based on their race and gender, it was imperative to discuss how they navigate the perceptions and expectations placed on them by their colleagues in HWIs and how those perceptions impacted their state of being (or identity). Per the first research question, the participants were asked questions designed to understand how they experience working with their colleagues in their respective departments and the feelings and thoughts that transpire for them during those interactions. It was uncovered that Black women in higher ed administration have unique skill sets and prior conditioning that allow them to move through workplace politics with finesse. In the following sections, Black women discuss these skill sets (i.e., knowing, tact, hyper-awareness of self, efficiency, and expertise) and how using these skills inform their identity expression in the workplace. Skill Sets and Conditioning Several of the participants in the study mentioned that they had an understanding that racism and sexism do exist in the workplace and can result in microaggressions. PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 57 Knowing. This realization was coded as ‘knowing’ and was enacted as a defense mechanism to protect their sense of value regardless of the discrimination they may have come in contact with in the workplace. CJ and Audre spoke of knowing from a cut and dry perspective. Microaggression is just a new, sexy word for racism. There should be no reason why we're making it sexy. Versus getting rid of it. Why do you want to make it look better? (CJ) I think early on I got to experience the feeling of being other. I just got more comfortable with it, whereas others got intimidated by it. (Audre) Kathleen, Alice, and Marian were more descriptive with their understanding of the “knowing” skillset and provided insight into how they enact it when working with colleagues or individuals of a different race. It's just something that, unfortunately, we just have to accept. I don't mean accept it like, to be contrite about it. We just know that that's part of the bullshit that comes with these positions and these roles, is that people just feel real comfortable saying things that are just highly inappropriate, that they would never say to our colleagues who are not Black women. While Kathleen was not one to be deterred from interactions because racist and sexist experiences could result, Alice was more cautious and tried to avoid these experiences at all costs. If I even have an inkling I'm about to encounter a situation like that, I take a deep breath and I just say, hopefully this will just be over before it even starts. Like I literally have to give myself a pep talk because regardless, I know I'll be the one in the wrong if I react. PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 58 And so now, I mean, if I even see a White woman coming my way, I am thinking how do I avoid this? Like I just expect this to be a bad situation. Though Marian did not agree that these instances should be avoided, she did validate Alice’s innate sense of realizing a moment is ripe for a racist or sexist encounter. I think we're way more intuitive with how we see the world and really reflective of how the world sees us as well, which is why sometimes we don't react in certain situations or we know how people are going to react to us in certain circumstances. Definitely. I think it's because we're at the bottom of the totem pole in most instances that we are very aware of our surroundings. I hadn't thought about all the ways in which we as Black women were able to 'read the room' and make the necessary adjustments to protect our feelings from the racist and sexist experiences that could occur before they even took place. In my reflection on the microaggressions I've experienced, I was more apt to view the reaction I would give to it as a means of protection. I did not know that merely expecting these experiences was a form of protection in itself. Enacting this skill set paved the way for me to understand that the participants in this study had a superior level of tact that they used effortlessly. Tact. These attitudes harken back to W.E.B. DuBois' concept of double consciousness. DuBois states that double consciousness is the "sense of always looking at one's self through the eyes of the others, of measuring one's soul by the tape of a world that looks on in amused contempt and pity,"(DuBois, 1903, p. 8). These women understand that to move through their workplace, they must have a sense of what they're moving against. Three of the participants described deepening their knowledge by observing others and various experiences in their department before acting, otherwise referred to as tact. PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 59 Josephine said, I'm an analytical thinker and I'm going to observe you. I'm going to see what your patterns are. I'm going to see how many times this happens. Is it just to me? Is it to other people? Is it just to Black people, or is it to everybody? I'm trying to figure out the pattern here. It's like over those months that's why I was kind of just gathering my little information. Marian noted, I mean, I'll read the room first. So even if I want to talk, I won't until a little bit later. I kind of feel the vibe of the room. I'm really cognizant of other people's body language and behavior. So if I can gauge when you're going to say something or you look like you're uninterested, it might change the way I speak about certain things. While Marian and Josephine shared that observing their colleagues and reading the vibe of the room was how they practiced the tact skill set, Billie expressed that after she completed those steps, in meetings, she used evidence to back up any recommendations she shared. So, learning that sometimes you have to provide evidence for why your opinion is important, or evidence for why what you're saying is valid, based on previous situations. And again, learning how to do that based on reading a person. A lot of the time, when you're talking to somebody, you can get a sense of whether or not they are valuing what you have to say. A lot of the time in a business role, the way you get somebody to value what you have to say is by providing the number or the data, and saying, "These were my proven results." Others used their ability to profile people based on their behaviors as a form of tactfulness that resulted in more protection in the workplace. Kathleen, CJ, and Billie touted that their ability to PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 60 move fluidly through various environments with people from all walks of life was an added advantage of how they enact tactfulness in the workplace. Kathleen said, Coming from the background that I come from, being a light-skinned Black person, having a dad who didn't look Black, but was part Black, but looked White, but never passed, never claimed any of that. Coming from a privileged background, but going to a school that was, by my choice, that had all kinds of different people in there, rich, poor, all points in between. So having to stick up for myself. Letting people know, hey, look, I may look bougie, and I may be all this and I may act bougie, but that doesn't mean I'm a weak person. Just growing up that way, and learning how to do that and just advocating for myself in whatever way it needed to be done. Kathleen gleaned that her ability to move through certain areas was a direct result of her unique upbringing. CJ, on the other hand, found hers through her career in Human Resources. I'm probably the most worldly when it comes to actually having relationships with all races. All walks of life. They say things like, "She's confident about what she knows." If I'm going to be put in a place where they want me to use that gift they don’t have, then I need to exercise my power, negotiating how and when I'm going to do those things or If I'm going to do them. Billie concluded that her unique perspective as a mixed-raced woman resulted in a niche for communicating the same concept differently to her colleagues, depending on their common or shared experiences. You give an example and people are like, "What?" So you're like, "Okay, let me try to think of an example that might make sense to you, based on certain things as a shared PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 61 culture," versus other people who don't share that culture, you have to try to think of some other commonalities or some other common grounds. So yeah, being a mixed person and having different sides of my family and having to navigate talking about things with people who have different backgrounds and cultural experiences, making examples or using references, that's how I learned to do that. As a researcher, it was important for me to understand not only what these women considered tact but also how they enacted it in their respective workplaces. Providing the space for these women to share their thought processes regarding how they enacted this skill set, prepared them to readily think metacognitively about their actions in the workplace as interviews proceeded. Hyperawareness. Hyper-awareness of the self in relation to how their counterparts perceive them in the workplace was also a skillset the participants mentioned using to navigate workplace politics effectively. Understanding that stereotypes of their culture exist, the participants resolved to be mindful of the way in which they presented themselves through mannerisms and language. Michelle stated, I’m always very cognizant to remain professional. I don't think anyone could necessarily see me as an angry, Black woman. I am cognizant of that stereotype, so it's very important to me that I'm able to be an effective communicator, and to not get basically in the weeds of emotion, even when they're super valid. Josephine followed, Back then I was really conscious of trying not to fit the stereotype. They think we’re angry and Black anyway. You know what I mean? Angry, Black woman. You're going to come in with that attitude. I was trying not to be that. I was trying to keep my cool. I PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 62 didn't want to make it seem like, well, that's how they act. They're angry. We all know, I don't think it's a secret anymore that there's institutionalized racism not only in higher education, but in corporations, all sectors. It's an extra burden for us sometimes because although we want to be heard, we have to be mindful of how we're representing not only ourselves, but unfortunately we're representing all African Americans. It's not being said, but that's how perception is. The 13%, as they like to say. Additionally, a mastering of code switching was often necessary for some of the participants to ensure their wants or needs in the workplace were met with favorable responses. Code Switching is a form of hyper-awareness that Black women in higher education use in interactions with the outside world to get their jobs done. Angela and Kathleen were most vocal about who they trusted with their authentic selves and when it was necessary to code switch. Angela stated, I'm so close with them, you know, I'm able to give them thug-like "Angela". You know, but then when it comes to taking things to upper admin, or taking things to my dean, you know I just more eloquently put in statements so that it's received differently so that the response that I get is the response that I usually want. Because if I went to my dean and said girl, "That shit was fucked up." She's going to look at me sideways. Right? But if I tell her, "You know, we could have gone about this a little differently. We should have looked at X, Y, Z." And doing it that way. While Kathleen resulted in asking her supervisor, whom she trusts a great deal, We actually have strategy meetings about that before we go into meetings, meaning our department. I ask my boss directly, I say, "Which “Kathleen” do you want in this meeting?" If she's like, "Feel free," basically you can cut up, you know what I mean? Then I will. PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 63 What resonated with me about this particular skill set is that hyper-awareness presents itself as both "a blessing and a curse". This realization was in direct alignment with the concept of transformative resistance (2001) described in chapter two in that Black women are subjected to using loosely defined rules and subjective ways of being in order to assimilate and appease the dominant majority in their workplaces. Hyper-awareness was a blessing in that Black women are familiar with the negative stereotypes that exist about them and worked against them by presenting themselves as the exact opposite. Yet it is also a curse in that by working against the negative stereotypes, Black women are beholden to a state of being in the workplace that is entirely constructed by an outside lens. This robs them of their own humanness and voice against the patriarchal, White society of academia; a symptom of oppression that resulted in the creation of critical race feminism (2003). Efficiency and Expertise. The final skillset the participants mentioned using in the workplace was their ability to efficiently make use of their time while maintaining their expertise in their respective areas. With regards to efficient use of time, Jane and Maya stated, I just want to be very productive with my time and so I think some of that is how I am. I don't know if some of it is generational. I don't know if it's something about millennials and how we were brought up and other people were thought to think slow and take your time. But we don't, we can't...Every decision that needs to be made in the office can't be thought about for a day or two. We're never going to be able to make decisions or help our students in real time. I always think of it as efficiency. How can we make the office run more efficient? It would be great if people thought in that way, because it is very taxing. I've described it to my old supervisor like, "In the office, I feel like I'm the mom, PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 64 that I'm supposed to remember everything that happens. And other people can do it too, they just choose not to for whatever reason." (Jane) An issue that I have is that a lot of times my brain is firing so fast that what I say may be at the tail end of a thought. I've worked through so much stuff in my head that what I say is to me very apparent, but then a lot of times people will be like, "Wait, what?" It's like, "Okay, let me go back." Yeah. Let me slow it back and rewind how I got there. So, I think regardless of who I'm in a room with, I always am cognizant of that. I think it makes me a little self, I don't know, aware or just- Yeah, self-conscious of it, because a lot of times you get to interpret it as that I don't ... Or, it makes me feel like I don't know what I'm talking about, but it's really just like I have to make sure that I'm fully understanding what it is the question that's being asked to make sure that I can respond in an appropriate way that they're going to understand. (Maya) Additionally, five participants spoke of their commitment to triple-checking their information to ensure they are well-prepared for questions in meetings and that minimal errors, if any at all, exist in their work. Thyrsa posited, First of all, I like to have facts or be prepped with, I guess, information prior to coming into a meeting. If I have that, I feel that I'm able to contribute and be an active participant in the overall discussion. If I don't have that information, then I feel I'm less of a participant because I need to receive that information so I can actively engage in the conversation. Audre stated, PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 65 My thought process is be prepared and have enough data to support what I'm saying. I just go in there confident. I go in there knowing what I'm talking about and being able to be prepared to answer any questions which always become ridiculous bullshit. “Tell me why; Why are you focusing specifically on African American and Latinx students,” as if my credibility isn't enough. I always decided, I'm going to try and avoid this by being ready... just to have my ducks in a row so that when it comes at me, I'm ready. It’s just an automatic thing. Billie posited, I'm not shaky in understanding what I bring to the table or what my skill sets are. I work in finance, the numbers are the numbers. In business, the numbers are the numbers. When you look at the result of me managing finances for that department for that year, it speaks for itself, which is how I was able to get another position that paid a good amount more than that position did. Because, I showed the numbers to the new employer, and they were like, "Yeah, you know what you're doing, and it looks great." What it reinforced to me was the importance of finding a good fit for you, and not allowing yourself to stay in any place where you didn't feel valued, where you don't feel valued or you don't feel like your skills are utilized. I found another position, where I am now, that I felt was better in those areas. And CJ concluded, You're never going to acknowledge the power that I have here. Being that nothing I do is wrong. There's nothing you can say to me. While efficiency and expertise should be skill sets that all employees bring into the workplace, the degree in which it is expected in the Ivory Tower is different depending on the PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 66 race, ethnicity and sex of the employees. The humanness that I spoke of in the last section is all but nonexistent when it comes to Black women's ability to make errors or mistakes in their work or their communication regarding their work. The constant pressure of needing to have everything in order, needing to know every detail regarding a situation and their ability to explain it in various ways so as to reassure others is a remnant of the negative mammy stereotype passed down through generations. The idea that Black women in higher ed administration must expel such mental effort to ensure that others view them as capable and qualified to hold the positions they do is an unfair and socially inept debt that American society has yet to do away with. bell hooks once said that the recognition of one's power can result in others trying to destroy you or at least find ways to make you less powerful (hooks, 1996). What the skillset and conditioning technique that the participants utilize has revealed is that Black women in higher ed administration are 'more than the sum of their disadvantages' (Harris-Perry, 2011). Their ability to create meaning from racist and sexist experiences in the workplace has allowed them to craft subtle ways in which to protect themselves from those experiences. In addition to the enacting knowing, tact, hyper-awareness of self, and efficiency and expertise, the participants also compromised on their identities to some degree as a form of protection from microaggressions in the workplace. Identity Audre Lorde (1982) once stated that if Black women do not define themselves for themselves, they’d be doomed to have their “identities constructed by the imaginations of others” (as mentioned in my reflection on the hyper-awareness skill set above). Understanding that being in the Ivory Tower often results in the colonization or complete detachment of ‘cultural practices PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 67 of racial minorities’ disguised as professionalism, Black women use their bodies to either conform to the status quo or defy it (Jacqui & Mohanty, 2010). Hair and clothing are the two areas of identity the participants used to make political statements in the workplace. Hair. Where hair is concerned, six of the participants discussed how they chose their hairstyles based on their work environments and their colleagues' receptiveness to it as a means to avoid microaggressions in the workplace. All of them mentioned eventually settling on one hairstyle as opposed to the various styles available so as not to draw unnecessary attention or interactions to themselves solely because of their hair. Alice mentioned, I'm one of those Black women that likes to switch up my hair. I'm going to wear a wig, braid or whatever I feel like. And I just remember someone was like, "Oh my gosh, like how are you changing your hair all the time?" It was happening so much that I was like, let me start wearing more consistent wigs that look similar so I can avoid situations like that. So I won’t go from here to 20 inches in one day. And like that's what I started doing. I have a work wig and then save the others for the weekend. I’ll do like a nice straight bang, one color, or a curly one just to like stop a few of these awkward interactions and that's what I've been doing. I try to maintain one look for my audience. But yeah, I caught on after my second year. I was like, maybe I just need to have a work wig and leave it there. Josephine's take on her hairstyle choice was similar in that she also resolved not to wear a particular style based on her work environment. I worked in the dean's office. So, it was just like I was hesitant. Usually during the summer I'll throw some braids in there. It's hot. I ain't trying to deal with this during the PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 68 summer. I get irritated. I don't want no hair on my neck. The personality of this dean was not like open to that. They were very, how do I put this in a nice way? They were very all about appearances, for sure. Part of the dean's job is they got to fundraise. They got to bring in money for their units and all that stuff. They were very much about appearance. I just, I was like ... I'm not about to spend my money and then have to turn around and take my braids out. I wasn't trying to do that. This was before the whole natural hair ordinance got passed. That was just recent. We're talking about back in 2013ish. It's like, I didn't alter my appearance, but I didn't do what I wanted to do for fear of them having something to say about it. Similar to Josephine’s thoughts on wearing braids in the workplace, Maya decided to proceed with the hairstyle though she dreaded that first day in the office. I remember going on vacation and getting some crochet braids because we were going to be gone for like two weeks. I didn't want to have to deal with hair products and stuff. I remember feeling so uncomfortable coming to work with them, because I never get braids, like ever, in life. I can count on one hand the amount of times that I had it, but just ... First of all, it's so different from how I wear my normal hair, that I don't want to even be asked questions about if it's my hair, how did they do it, what is that. I don't even want to deal with that let alone is it going to be perceived as professional. You know what I mean? So, yeah, I just remember thinking ... I just have to come in one day, but it was just like, "Oh my god. I just don't want to do it, because I don't want to have to feel this stuff or what people are going to think or what they are going to say." Yeah. It's small stuff like that. When I got my hair done, it's like, cool, popping, I look good. I like it. Then pivot to the next morning where it's just like...ugh. PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 69 Audre reminisced on what it was like transitioning into wearing her natural hair in the workplace before the passing of Senate Bill 188; affectionately known as the Creating a Respectful and Open Workplace for Natural Hair (CROWN) Act. The CROWN Act, passed in July of 2019, amends the California Education Code and the Fair Employment and Housing Act’s “definition of race to include traits historically associated with race, including hair texture and protective hairstyles like afros, braids, dreads and twists”, (Domek & Blaes, 2019). So I've been a curly girl now for a number of years. I remember when I transitioned into being straight up natural, people didn't know how to react. They wanted to touch my hair, they wanted to do all this and all that, I felt uncomfortable. And I was just like, let me just straighten my hair real quick, make it easy. Or I don't feel like getting braids today, and other people were trying to question how your hair changed. Now at this point in my career I just don't even care. I remember being aware of those things, before the movement really happened to be team natural, you really have to think about that stuff. You really need to think about, do I want to get braids, they would ask me how does your hair change from today to yesterday, or can I touch it. How do you respond to that? But other than that I haven't really altered anything. Unlike the others, Kathleen often wears braids in the workplace. Though it’s one of her go-to hairstyles, it still results in her navigating inappropriate questions. Or other times, I don't have braids in my hair now, but I've had braids in my hair before, and people trying to touch my hair without permission. Asking me, "Oh, this is so interesting. It's like art. How do you wash it? You do wash it, right?" Those aren't questions that you don't ask somebody that you don't know very, very well. You certainly don't touch somebody's hair without her permission or his permission. Oh, then another PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 70 microaggression that we all got today was, people were commenting on how nicely we looked and how professional we looked. Billie often wears her natural hair curly but admitted that she tends to straighten her hair for events or presentations. One of the things that was most common was just straightening my hair, in terms of altering my appearance. Yeah, curly hair, natural hair, has specific implications for Black women. So I would straighten my hair if I was going to do a presentation for a large group or if I was going to go to a conference or if I was going to speak in front of some high ranking person, or whatever, to make them feel better about my identity and who I was and whatever, to assimilate. The same thing with my dress, the way that I dress. In general, I don't wear tight, revealing clothes. But I, like again, if I'm going to do a presentation or something like that, I'm always mindful of how my pants fit, because I have curves. I don't want to offend anybody with my body. I deduced from these findings that no hairstyle for Black women is without question in the workplace. Whether straight, colored, curly, or braided, all styles that are worn by Black women become a conversation piece in the office. It begs to question what the underlying reason behind the fascination with the hair of Black women could really be a symptom of. As a population with various phenotypes of being-from skin color, eye color and hair textures-one would assume that a Black woman’s crown (read hair) is a testament to her ability to consistently evolve and adapt; almost as if it were a super power that couldn’t be hidden. In the same way White men express themselves with multi-colored ties and socks and White women switch alliances with colleagues depending on the issue, their humanness is never beholden to those ‘small’ measures of identity expression. Black women should be afforded the same decency to PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 71 work in an environment in which their colleagues have invested the time to get to know them as a person with passions, capabilities and goodwill that cannot be reevaluated with each changing hairstyle or wardrobe choice. Clothing. In addition to conforming on hairstyle choices, participants also made conscious efforts to walk the fine line of "respectability" in their office environments while maintaining their sense of personal style. Black women in the United States have 'historically, politically, and conceptually' been indoctrinated to view their bodies as being offensive to mainstream society (Perlow et al., 2018, p. 126). Five of the participants in this study shared their own unique stories of style expression in the workplace. CJ began, I've eased myself on everybody. For example, when I first got hired in this position, I saw that a colleague had her Ghanaian flags all over her office, and everybody's fine with it, okay. So it's gradual, because I don't want to scare anybody, I want you to respect me and see that, "Oh, it's not aggressive." I did a few things once a week, like one headwrap, then another, then I'm playing Jazz in my office which could move into some new jack swing and next thing you know…you stop in one day and hear some Too $hort in the background. Then large earrings of an African nature. Colors. Prints. Or lack thereof. All Black. Coming from a place of confidence my dress code is always appropriate. My tone is straightforward, to the point, and then before they know it I’m who they’re going to get no matter what, no matter who it is… While CJ eased her colleagues into her overall idea of self-expression, Audre only regulated the fit of her clothing with her colleagues in mind. I always dress professionally and they don't, you know when I say ‘they’. They show up any kind of way they want to look, looking frumpy or whatever. But I always come PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 72 displayed. That's just me. Maybe I know I am a little more extra. Let me even be more on point with my appearance. I do think let me not put this on too tight, I don't want to show too much of my hips and my booty. This might be a little too flattering. Now that is a constant thing I’m always thinking about. Maya lamented on how unfortunate it is that Black women have to see themselves through the eyes of others before walking out of the house. It's just all these small things that in my personal life I don't think twice about, but in my work life it's like, "What are they going to think or what are they going to say?" Even things like work pants. It's always like, "Okay, well, I don't want it to be too tight, because I don't know if they're going to think that's inappropriate,". It's just always seeing yourself kind of in a dual mirror of, in one aspect, there's absolutely nothing ... It doesn't even register as right or wrong. It's just if I like it, if I feel comfortable. Then at work, it's just kind of like this self-evaluation of let me scan real quick and think of anything that's going to come off as threatening or too ethnic or ... You know what I mean? What are they going to see about me that maybe they would view inappropriate for me but not for somebody else? Billie added that she even thought about the perceptions others have of her body in the dressing room, Although when other races of women try to replicate our body type and are praised for it, when we have that body type and we show it off, or we just fail to hide it, all of a sudden, we're making people sexually uncomfortable. So that's another thing. I wear a specific pant size in my jeans, but I buy my work pants one size bigger. That's an intentional thing PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 73 that I do. Anytime I buy work pants or work slacks, I buy it a size up from the size that I buy my jeans, so that they fit professionally, because my body's not professional by itself. Marian’s story provides evidence that all the women are not paranoid in thinking through their attire. There was kind of a passive-aggressive email sent out at some point-September, October- about the level of professionalism with our dress code. And everyone kind of dresses the same. So I was like, "This is clearly towards me." I was wearing a professional tank top, like the ones they have at New York and Company. It was literally a dress shirt. It wasn't unprofessional. It wasn't showing a lot of cleavage. I don't really have hips like that, but I have a bigger chest. And I know the clothes I was wearing were more form-fitting. I sent a screenshot of the email to one of my colleagues, yeah. I was just like, "I feel like this is towards me." I had this sinking feeling that it was about me because I remembered a time when I was sitting down and one of the senior leaders was like, "Do you have a cardigan that you could put on?" And I was like, "No, because it's 80 degrees outside." So I just felt hyper-visible. And I was just like, "I don't like that. If it was with me particularly, then you should just tell me. And I'm not even an intimidating person. I'm very quiet and respectful in how I talk to people. So it's just I just don't understand why this couldn't have been a conversation with me. Instead, you sent a whole email. And so I've changed the way I dress now. But I sometimes see, for my boss in particular, she will come into the office almost wearing the exact same things I was wearing. Literally, because you saw my figure that was why it was a problem. Toni concluded that her style was also compromised because her permanent tattoos are considered unprofessional in her workplace. PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 74 I have that but also, I don't know if you're familiar with, I don't know if this is important, but the gay and lesbian culture and African-Americans, so it's like the stud femme. I have stud button-ups, I have a very masculine demeanor. I have tattoos on my arms. Well, it's just one. I have a whole sleeve and I can't show it at work. I can't show my arms. I accidentally showed it on Friday and I totally forgot because it was so hot. I saw the looks. And some of my coworkers were just like, "your arms are showing." I was like "I know but I forgot a sweater." I was only working half the day anyway. I promise you! They bought me a long sleeve shirt to cover it up. I was dying. The gender performance, body shapes, choice of accessory, and all other modica of the existence of Black women in the workplace are politically critiqued, compared, and contrasted to the dominant culture (read White) in the Ivory Tower and American society. Due to the harmful stereotypes surrounding the Black community, this policing of self-expression is an injustice of which Black women are most susceptible. Political scientist, Patchen Markell (2003), labels the phenomenon of policing self-expression amongst minorities as ‘misrecognition’ in which the dominant culture, ‘whether out of malice or out of ignorance, fail to extend the respect or esteem that is due to individuals in virtue of who they are.' Essentially, the skill sets and identities Black women in the Ivory Tower possess are not self-imposed but instead arose through an 'endogenous process' of less or more favorable social interactions with the dominant culture in the workplace (Jacqui & Mohanty, 2010). Grave Circumstances: Microaggressive Experiences in the Ivory Tower Famed author and activist known for her writings during the Harlem Renaissance era, Zora Neale Hurston, once stated that if Black people are silent about their pain, the powers that be “will kill them and say they enjoyed it,” (Hurston, 1937). The silencing of Black women in PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 75 administration at a private institution in Southern California is akin to feigned content. Unlike tenured faculty whose positions provide them with fail-safes against overt workplace discrimination, Black women in administration are often at-will employees that can be fired at any given time with no explanation. Because of this fact, Black women in administration, especially those in leadership positions, are beholden to dealing with microaggressions in the workplace. Black women in the Ivory Tower often encounter 'difficult and demoralizing circumstances' in the workplace and are susceptible to her role as leader being challenged by 'subtle and not so subtle acts of incivility and aggression' (Harris-Perry, 2011). Microaggressions Per the second research question, the participants were asked a series of questions designed to determine if they have experienced microaggressions in the workplace, gauge their typical responses to them, and whether or not they were satisfied with their reactions to them. It was discovered that the Black women in this study experienced microaggressions in the form of workplace policing, stereotypical assumptions (based on their intelligence, demeanor, age, and value) and were dismissed and silenced. Three types of responses to these forms of microaggressions were identified, whereby many of the participants reported that they did a cost/value analysis before deciding whether or not to respond. Additionally, many of the participants reported that they utilized a technique that I coined tempered herstriology. I define Tempered Herstriology as the innate passing down of ethnic, feminine testimonies from one generation of Black women to another as a roadmap of caution (Lightsey, 2020). These testimonies aid the women in withstanding the impact of microaggressions by serving as a filter to their response; if one is required. Lastly, it was also discovered that the participants that did PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 76 speak up in response to the microaggressions experienced did so as a form of defiance and resistance. Policed. Seven of the fifteen participants shared their experiences with being policed by their colleagues or superiors on the basis of their identities or their contributions in the workplace. Angela, Marian, and Audre provided insight into three experiences they recalled in which their physical appearance in the workplace was policed. Angela recalled, A lot of the security that worked at my high schools that I was placed at would harass the shit out of me. "Why are you not in class? Why are you on your phone?" And I'm like, "First of all..."What you're not going to do is come for me because I didn't send for you. Second of all, I work here. Third of all, you need to check yourself and how you talk to people because if you're also talking to students that way, that's a problem. I intentionally didn't dress business casual when I went into my high schools because I know for students who are in the lower SES neighborhoods, lower SES schools, that's intimidating. Marian pondered why she was being watched so closely in the workplace, I literally just do my work with my students. My students like me, you hear good things. Yet I'm still being looked at. And so it's like I'm literally not even giving you a reason to look at me. You shouldn't even really notice that I'm there because I'm really quiet. I'm just focused on what I'm doing. So I think that's what makes me more mad about the situations I've been put in because I'm just like, "Why are you focused on me? I'm not worried about you all. I'm not your friend." Like, "I don't hang out with you guys." No one knows anything about me. So it's just the fact that you are all really noticing the things that I do or don't do or… Audre remembered having her facial expressions policed. PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 77 I was asked to be on the cover of a renowned journal. And beside me were little different pictures of people on the magazine cover. And the photographer selected my pictures, said it was bomb, said it was lovely. Then a while later, I get told that it looked too aggressive and that it needed to be changed. Yeah, when I took the picture the photographer said, "Don't smile, look very stoic." The person's picture next to mine, she's a White female, did the same exact pose, not smiling, looking directly into the camera. Nothing was told to her but they had to change my photo because it looked too aggressive. I was like, "Why? This is the one that the photographer said was the best photo." And then the person who was the marketing director, was like, "I agree. I think this is the best photo and not only that I took but the best photo of all the people." So I was like, "So, why didn't you say anything when they said it was too aggressive looking?" She needed to recognize that in her position of privilege, she could have advocated for me and she's the expert as the marketing director. So I was like, "Okay. Got it. Do whatever you need to do”. Audre's experience, in particular, emphasizes how Black women's perceived moods or attitudes via facial expressions are also policed in the workplace. A study conducted on the perceived femininity of Black women based on whether they were more or less likely to smile in the workplace found that there was an 'unreasonable pressure on Black women to behave in overtly warm and welcoming ways' that was disproportionate to their White, female counterparts, (Cooley et al., 2018). Where their work ethic is concerned, four participants were quite transparent in detailing the unique experiences they had with their work being policed by their supervisors. Alice began, PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 78 My current supervisor doesn't approve vacation time. She refused a request. It was months in advance for one day, I was like, "Can you talk to me about this?" And she was like, "Yeah I have to think about it, but I don't think that'll work." I said, "Say less." I'm like, "I'll just be sick that day." I'm just like, "Are you serious?" I'm like, is this legal? So she was like, "Yeah, there's a weekend. I think that would work." I'm like, "What?" I'm like, you've shown your ass a handful of times. And now I'm like, again need to know basis. I will take my sick days when needed and we're going to leave it there. She is crazy. CJ lamented about the double-standards between Black and White employees, My counterparts can kill a whole budget. We have no more money because of mistakes they made, but they get, "Okay, we'll get through it”; Sorry is okay for them because they’ve got all these things going on in their world. Their dog just died, etc. But if I forgot to check a box because another Black man was killed today, the whole world is over. It’s detrimental. Anything could have happened and they’re glad they caught it. No one tells me I’ll get through it. Michelle described her own experience with being policed by an individual that was not her direct supervisor, So, we have this meeting and it's four of us at a round table. Soon after we get in there I feel the hostility. I am asked why I told this student to do this stuff. I'm like, I didn't do that. Well, he basically tried telling me I was a liar. I was like ... I said, "How does that even work? You tell me how that works." I said, "If you look at it, the information's wrong. There's no way I did this." He raised his voice. He was yelling at me now that I was defending myself. I tell him, “We will listen and speak with respect." When he PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 79 would not get there I was like…What are we going to do about it? At some point he yelled, "You will never be Dean of ********!" I'm like, whoa. What? There was no reason why I would never be, but I would never be. He tells me he doesn't think I'll be this person ever. Then he dismisses me. He says something about how disappointed he is. I said that makes two of us, and I walked out. I was furious. At that moment I felt like a battered person. The shit I see on TV. "Oh, honey, I'm sorry I did that. I'll never do it again, whatever." So then I go back to my office and I am mad as hell. I'm so mad I cry. The HR director encourages me to take the afternoon off but I had work to do. Students need to see me for something else. So I get my little self together and I'm meeting with students. Then while I'm meeting with students he brings his ass downstairs to apologize. He tries to walk in but sees I have students there so then he leaves and sends me an emailed apology. He knew what he did was off balance and wrong; we could have had a conversation but that was not a conversation. He was trying to reprimand me for something I didn’t do and I stood on the shoulders of strength. He wasn’t going to see me cry. He wasn’t going to get me to yell at him. I wasn’t going to talk to him like he did me. Instead, I went through the Office of ****** and *********. I told them what happened. They did an investigation. If I got the final report, you did. Nothing came of it and nothing happened to him. Maya shared a similar story in that she was also policed by someone who was not her direct supervisor, The most recent was dealing with a faculty member. We were going through accreditation, and there was a deadline given about when certain reports need to be completed. So, I received that deadline from a White faculty member, and then I spoke PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 80 with the Black administrator who actually oversaw submitting the stuff. She actually gave me a different deadline that was extended a couple of days. I was planning to go to a family event out of state. So, I started the reporting, and there were just a few more things that I needed to get done, but I knew that I had that Monday or Tuesday once I returned from my vacation to wrap everything up. I sent the faculty member the initial report, just so that she could see what I had already done and what were the missing things. So, I come back on Monday, and five separate staff members come in and say, "Hey, I just wanted to give you a heads up that this faculty member had a lot to say about you." I'm like, "Okay. Well, what do you mean?" It's like, "The words that were used were that you dropped the ball, that you left on vacation without completing your work, that you were in the doghouse with her. And five separate people came into my office to tell me this. After the first two, it was just like, "Okay, whatever." We had to have a conversation about expectations and communication and this, this, and that. It was just like, "Okay, but you're using words like I'm in the doghouse with you is super inappropriate." She was like, "Okay. Well, then maybe it wasn't late." I was like, "But that's the thing. You don't get to have real-life newspaper retractions. How about you let everybody know in the office that I did do my work and that I was on top of what I needed to do. Now everybody on this floor thinks that I just go on vacation and don't care about what needs to get done. You don't get to go tell them that." I just got really hung up on the doghouse comment, because it's setting up this relationship as if ... So, there's the dog reference in general, but then also setting up this relationship as if I'm supposed to be subservient to you in some type of way and also that you being upset with me is supposed to matter. PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 81 Through reflecting on their own, unique experiences with being policed in the workplace, the participants seem to share an underlying familiarity with the concept of constantly being watched or tested. Assumptions. The aforementioned examples of policing provided by the women in this study were all based on assumptions their colleagues made about their various states of being. In the following section, ten of the fifteen participants discussed their experiences with individuals making inappropriate assumptions based on their intelligence, their demeanor, their ages, and the value they brought to their departments. Intelligence. Billie started by expressing the surprise many of her colleagues expressed regarding her being intelligent enough to perform her job efficiently. In my last role, though, that was something that I experienced with coworkers on a regular basis, and with my supervisor on a regular basis. There was a lot of being impressed that I knew how to do my job. It was framed as a compliment, but now, we know that it is actually a microaggression, that I would be good at finance, even though my background and education prepared me to be good at my job. I was recruited to do it. My supervisor took me out of another role and put me in that role to do that job, and then still managed to be impressed that I was able to do as well as I did. I ended up saving our department hundreds of thousands of dollars that year, in the way that I managed our finances, which not only helped our department, it helped the whole school. It was not just my supervisor, but the dean and the associate dean of finance who were all very surprised that I could do that. But it very much felt like a microaggression. It didn't seem like, "Oh, we're genuinely happy." They were genuinely happy that we saved money, but PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 82 it was almost surprising like "Oh, you actually can do the job that I told myself I was taking a risk on giving you." Not that I had earned it, and that sort of thing. Josephine followed with her experience of having been told she spoke eloquently. So I will use an example like when I first began my career at *** I began on the *** campus. So I was in nuclear medicine at that point. Yeah, I mean, definitely experienced a lot of microaggressions there. Oh, you know, you're pretty smart. They were surprised by that or something. What do you expect? Another one was, oh, you speak very well. You're very articulate. Okay. Is that a compliment or what? It didn't feel like a compliment to me. It felt like you're trying to play me or something. You're trying to be funny. Kathleen shared an experience in which a parent of a student assumed that she had a rather difficult time reaching her level of education after having just met her. He was just like, "Wow, that's just so amazing." He was like, "You know, you really have just come such a long way to really make it here at ***.". I understood what he was saying and what he was trying to say. I said, "Do you mean because I commute from Long Beach?" And he turned bright, bright red. He knew that I saw him with his microaggression. Demeanor. Assumptions based on one’s demeanor also tend to occur towards Black women in administration. Angela made a blanket statement that most Black women would agree with. And I hate that there's this misconception that every Black woman is a firecracker. Not every Black woman's a firecracker, people. So sorry. PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 83 CJ expounded on her experience of being pitted against others as protection from those her colleagues might view as equally domineering or aggressive. I’m always being volunteered to be the point person in matters of distress, anger, and confrontation. Feeling as if, "If I can't deal with it the Black woman could. She's strong enough to do it." Or if we know this person is gonna be an aggressor we put the other aggressor, the Black person, head to head with them and watch that play out. There's a faculty member that's kinda crazy. I can deal with her, I'm fine. She's not crazy with me. And even that, that's when the microaggressions backfire, because you're assuming, I say assumption, you're assuming that in this case. Put the angry Black woman against this person in this time of confrontation. Let them yell it out, and we'll see how far it will go. But then it backfires because you're putting someone who you're fearful of in that known setting. They have the upper hand over you in front of a person that's stronger than them, therefore they bow down. That blows up in your face. Then you see that the aggressor, the angry Black woman, is actually the stronger of all of you. Age. Where age is concerned, four participants shared how they navigate assumptions about their level of maturity, experience, and education in contrast to how young they appear. Maya stated, I'm always the youngest person on my staff. So, I think that's always caused me to be hypersensitive to this idea of maturity and what is appropriate or not appropriate in workplace settings and also making sure that I handle and just present myself in a way that people never have to question my age. Audre discussed being the youngest and the only person of color in meetings. PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 84 I feel like when you are the only person that looks like you at a meeting and on top of that you’re always the youngest person-it's a double whammy. I’m usually the only person of color and I'm the youngest person always. I got my doctorate when I was 23, so at 23 I already had a degree and was trying to still process my professional development and my identity. So I always had to be on top of it. They could not hit me with my age and sure not with color. I felt like I just had to be on it, maybe my personality is to be type A or whatever. I felt like I always had to know what I'm talking about so that when I'm at the table I'm not being brushed over. Angela shared how she often receives compliments on her achievements in such a short amount of time though they have no idea if the time was indeed 'short.' I had a family come in yesterday, and before them coming to visit, I was in email communication with the mom. So it was a mom and then her son. And when I went out to get them to bring them back into my office, I kind of saw her face shocked a little bit, first. Shook both their hands, introduced myself as Dr. Angela, brought them to my office, and the mom immediately said, "You know, I expected you to be older." And I said, "You don't know how old I am." I was like, "What?" And she's like, "Yeah, you know. With you having your doctorate and you look so young." And then she's like, "I mean, I commend you." She's like, "That's amazing." She's like, "You definitely look super young." And I was like, "Thank you. "I know in the back of her head she’s thinking, ‘are you even old enough to be a doctor’? Those aren't the words that came out of her mouth, but I know that's what she was thinking. While not perpetuated by a colleague, Jane shared a typical experience she’d had when she interacted with prospective students and families. PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 85 I was going to say that. I experience ageism all the time. Not within my office, because they don't care, they know what I'm capable of. I've always had such a problem with talking to prospective students because they just micro-aggress all over the place, especially if they're older White males. They would be like, "Oh, are you a prospective student?" "No, I'm a Dr." "Okay." And I remember, I was talking to someone and they asked me probably three times in the conversation, "So how is your Master's program going?" I said, "No, I did my Master's in 2011. I finished my Doctorate in 2017. I now teach in the Master's programs." And they just couldn't get past my age. And they were like, "You're so young." And I'm like... So definitely ageism plays a factor. But it's just funny because it's like that's probably where I experience it the most. Not within my office, but other departments. So that's just part of it. With the age thing, when it happens like I said, I just expect it. And so for me, I always think of it as, "Okay, we're just going to believe the person didn't mean it or they're just shocked, because maybe they've never met a 30 something-year-old doctor." maybe it's a shocking thing to them. And so I always react with kindness, but it's never crossed the line. Contributions. Lastly, Dorothy, Kathleen, and Audre all discussed how assumptions about their contributions to the workplace impacted their experience in their respective departments. Dorothy started by noting, I definitely think that microaggressions have played a pivotal part in keeping me stagnant in my professional growth. There’s so much nepotism within education that people are like, "Just wait your turn," and that could take you 17 years before you get called up to a position of leadership. I'm always the most educated in the room. All my bosses and my peers never have what I have in terms of education, yet they're making more than me and PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 86 telling me what I should or should not do. I know I deserve more," so I've always been the person that's just like, "Eff that. I can do better," and I leave. Rather than outright quit in the face of nepotism and discrimination, Kathleen shared her story of navigating an intolerant supervisor who refused to see her for who she was, Then with this previous boss, she didn't really know what to do with me because she grew up in New York, and she grew up around a certain demographic of Black people, these are her words, and I just didn't act Black enough for her. I didn't speak like a Black person that she had ever come across. I said, "Well, that's on you. That's not on me. You came out to Southern California. We have all different kinds of people out here." Because she felt that way, she felt that I should not embrace my culture and my Blackness. She was not supportive of any kind of endeavor that was like, you know what, hey, let's help our students of color in the financial aid department. She felt that that was discriminatory. And Audre lamented that she felt that trying to address inequities in the lives of students could be derailed if you have a supervisor who assumes you haven't thought your plan through. To do anything of value for our community and our students, I'll be told I need to write a proposal. Like why do I need to write a 10-page proposal for something that is obvious; let's create a pipeline at ***, this is why. I don't have to break down this and that just for you to sit on it, it's unnecessary! Based on these responses from the participants, it would seem that assumptions about Black women in the workplace tend to do more harm to them than good. These women felt that these instances were another example of the ways in which they remain hypervisible in the workplace. Dismissed and Silenced. Seven of the participants in the study expressed that they had often been dismissed or silenced by their colleagues and superiors in ways that made them feel PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 87 undervalued and insulted. Jane shared her experience with training her new supervisor who, interestingly, was offered the position instead of her, She said, "I'm not a detailed person." And I definitely am, and so she's realized that about herself. She can't just demand, "We’re going to have our students make a ********." And I was like, "Okay, well what's going to go in it?" And she's like, "I don't know, the typical sections." And I was like, "What are the typical sections?" And she was like, "Oh." I ask these questions because you're asking a 20-year-old person to do something that they've never done. So she's starting to realize some of that kind of stuff. So I think that's a positive. And she realizes that I'm the one that basically runs the center, which is good. But at the same time, it's like if I run the center, shouldn't I have been the one that was named director? But that's a whole ‘nother situation. Alice described being dismissed when sharing her ideas, which took a toll on her morale. I'm always slightly nervous. And I think for me it's more so on the back end, I've never felt that confident or that strongly about ideas that I've had, just because I've seen so many things get tabled, or to be like, we'll talk about that later. Or that sounds really great. And so recently I've just given some observations. That's what I like to call them. I'm like, "Oh, these are a few things I've observed. This might be a good way to maybe revise this process or look at it in a different way." And just that, "Okay, that sounds really good." And like for me, I'm just like, "Okay, this is why I don't like to say nothing." This is why I'm quiet. This is why again it's on a need to know basis. Like that confidence has slowly just disappeared because of those types of reactions and it just sometimes feels so condescending. Just like, "Okay, well why did you ask for new ideas or observations or my take on things if that's what your response is going to be?" PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 88 Josephine described an experience in which a colleague had attempted to silence her. It's a male dominated field. Even in administration, it's predominantly male. The bulk of the decision-makers were male at the time. It's like, even when a decision was made it was kind of like, let's look further into that. No, no, we know you're intelligent but let's look into this a little bit further. Then for them to arrive at the same conclusion, it's insulting. It was insulting. I had to deal with that for a while until one day, I just got upset. We were having a meeting. It was just going over some policies and procedures or whatnot. First of all, if I'm doing this every day and you're asking me what my input is, I'm going to tell you what my input is and how we can improve the process. So I'm doing that and then one of the other directors at the time just kept cutting me off, trying to talk over me, things like that. So, I was giving my updates and my status report and this dude was like, "What about this? What about this? Where are we with this?" Right? So we just looked around like, wow. He got some big ones. Just asking all these other questions of other people, trying to put them to task. He ain't even doing what he’s supposed to be doing. Billie provided insight into an experience in which she was dismissed by her direct supervisor when she complained about having her job duties encroached upon by a colleague. She came in with her set of experiences and it almost seemed that her attitude was that if I didn't have the same set of experiences that she had, then I wouldn't be capable of doing the work. There were actually instances where she took work from me, things that were my job, and gave them to people that presumably she trusted to do it better than me, even though it wasn't their area of expertise or their work area at all. It wasn't framed in a way that was supposed to be beneficial to me. It was like, "I want somebody that I feel more PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 89 comfortable with that reports to me to be doing these things that are relevant to my work area, because I don't trust you to do them." I went to my supervisor. I showed him the email that she sent, where she was pretty much saying, "Oh, this person's going to do X, Y and Z from now on and you're going to do this." My concern was that she's not my supervisor, that I want to make sure that if there is some directive around changing my work responsibilities that it came from my supervisor. He made excuses for her. He was like, "Oh, I'm sure that's not what she said." I showed him the email, and I was like, "That's exactly what she said. It's actually right here in writing." Then he goes, "Well, I'm sure that's not what she meant." So now, he would infer her intention and what she meant to not be rude or disrespectful. So pretty much, he stood up for her, and then I said, "Okay, well, can you talk to her about it? Because this is what she said, so I can only infer that that's also what she meant, because that's what she said." He said, "No, I don't have time for that." I felt like I was allowed to be treated disrespectfully, and that when I went to my supervisor about it, my voice wasn't valued equally as the other person's voice. Dorothy hypothetically recalled how she felt when she gave her opinions in meetings and then was no longer able to participate in said meetings. The level of microaggression that I experienced while I was at *** is what ultimately led me to leave *** and look for employment elsewhere. I think that there were many instances where I was invited to the table and it would appear that my opinion was warranted but then when I gave it and it opposed their opinions, I was then uninvited from the table and it just shows how little they value us. It was almost like, for a lack of better terms, "Nigger, stay in your place,"; which is interesting since the person who had PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 90 the leadership in that department was a person of color that could pass for a White person. Katherine shared her experience being silenced and hidden from opportunities to speak for herself or her work to senior-level management and faculty. I actually don't even think I was ever offered an opportunity to speak. I almost had to pass my information along to my lead so that they could then deliver the information. If for whatever reason there was a misunderstanding, then I would sort of be looped in via email or maybe once or twice in person. Being dismissed or silenced in the workplace was an experience in which many of the participants had examples on hand. As I listened to these women's recollections of these instances, I wondered how they were picking their battles and determining which situation required a response and which was not worth the effort. Hirschman (1970) studied how employees make this decision with his groundbreaking theory on exit, voice and loyalty. In his book, he explains that employees of an institution, or any other organization formed amongst colleagues, have two possible responses when they believe that the “organization is demonstrating a decrease in quality or benefit to the member”: they can leave the organization (exit); or they can express their concerns (voice) (Hirschman, 1990). Additionally, Hirschman (1970) stated that a member’s commitment to the organization (loyalty) the interplay of loyalty can impact the ‘cost-benefit analysis of whether to use exit or voice’. Responses to Microaggressions. Using Hirschman’s theory of exit, voice and loyalty as a foundational concept and reviewing the transcriptions of all fifteen participants, I found that the women in the study often resorted to their own personal cost/value analysis to determine whether a response was warranted given the situation. I define "cost" as the mental, physical, PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 91 psychological, or emotional effort it takes the receiver of the microaggression to respond. I define "value" as the perceived response of the microaggressive perpetrator and/or their status and whether the receiver deems them worth the response. Cost/Value Analysis. When participants were asked about the ways in which they have responded to microaggressive experiences, they all readily had either generalized stories or particular experiences to share. Each story was told in two parts; the incident and the internal narrative that took place prior to the participant deciding to respond to the incident. From the responses, I assert that Black women in administration enact this analysis through internal questioning. Katherine began by asking herself… Well, I guess my first inclination is, is it me? Am I having a bad day? Am I experiencing this correctly? Did I see this as it happened or maybe there was something that I missed. I try to give it maybe a 360 evaluation as opposed to just jumping on and saying that this person's reaction to what I witnessed with someone that may have been African- American was racism or it could have been maybe they had a bad day or did something that happened earlier that kind of threw them off. So again, I just try to analyze it from a three 60 perspective as opposed to that being my first thought. Toni remembered asking herself a few questions as well. At the moment though, I feel like I have conversations with myself. Like is this really happening? Why is she doing this? We need to be working together. I have this long dialogue and I question whether or not I'm wrong and whether or not it is important enough to bring to anyone's attention. I guess I kind of analyzed the situation before ... But I mean, I'm livid. I'm livid. It takes me a while. Because, I don't like to stir up stuff if PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 92 it's not going to change anything, if it's not going to make a difference. But if it gets to a point to where it's too much, then I have to say something. Audre noted that she has to process the situation from a third-person perspective before she responds. I'm actually the type who has to process it first. I'm not like, "Oh, let me say something". I'll process it, and be like, "Did this happen?". I'm tripping. My Raven (out-of-body experience) it's like, I know they didn't just say that. Because, if they said that, they really are dumb. How do they get in these positions? How are they here? If I do respond, and I do, I first ask a question... a clarification question. So I am trying to understand this properly. Can we discuss this a little bit further, can you elaborate more on what you're saying? So, that I understand there's a re-clarification, I understand it correctly and there's an opportunity for our discussion. Kathleen openly admitted to performing her own cost/value analysis. I do a cost-benefit analysis, if you will, because I never want to embarrass, for lack of a better word, or put my boss in an uncomfortable position where she has to deal with me losing my temper or me clapping back at somebody. What a lot of the people who will make these microaggressions or make these ignorant comments don't know is that, when I'm looking at them and I'm smiling at them, I'm still putting them in their place. They're like, she's smiling at me, but she just called me an asshole in a very polite way. So they understand. But I don't ever want to put my boss in that position because she already gets enough grief. So it really depends on the situation, like physically where I am. Today with the "so articulate," usually what I say is, "Well, I did go to college and English is my first language. So I hope I'm articulate. Otherwise, what am I doing here?" It's something PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 93 along the lines of that, or it's subtle shade, but not too subtle, where they know that I see them. If I'm out and about, it really depends. If I'm not at work, you could get any "Kathleen". It just depends on what's happening and what the scenario is. If it's someone just being real, real ignorant, then I might be real, real ignorant back. It just depends on who I'm with. Marian shared that her knee-jerk reaction is to lash out but she’d rather not perpetuate the ABW stereotype. The idea that Black women are subjected to enduring racist and sexist experiences in the workplace without the ability to naturally respond to an experience with the anger it warrants is akin to being caged. As in chapter two’s description of Black women’s fear of retaliation being the reason they do not confront these experiences with aggression, Marian has resorted to withholding a response that should be warranted in order to stay employed and ensure the hiring of other Black women in the future. My initial responses to microaggressions is usually irritation and anger. But I rarely say anything about it because I'm the only Black person. So I'm not going to do that and be the angry Black woman that is upset about everything. Whereas other positions that I've had, I've at least had another Black woman around me, an ally of some sort that is like, "No, I get it." Like, "I support you." And also advocating for me so it doesn't seem like I'm just coming out of left field. And I was taught that. So I may have an opinion about something, but I may not. I feel like based on what's going on in the room it's not the space and time to do it. But Billie concluded that she asked herself questions aimed at determining whether or not she had the mental energy to even care about the perpetrators' microaggression. PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 94 To me, the greatest clapback is just to be dope in everything that I do, and then they have to shut up regardless. But to go through, first I evaluate who said it. Sometimes, we all say things and it comes off weird or awkward or it could be interpreted as a microaggression or something. But depending on who said it, I usually try to give people grace. A lot of times, I don't have time to waste on somebody's opinion, whether it's a microaggression or not, if it doesn't matter. Like, are they my supervisor? Are they responsible for evaluating my work? Is their opinion of me, does it play any factor into me taking home my check at the end of the day? Is it going to interfere with me getting a promotion or getting into any space that I need to get into? Do I feel like it's worth it to essentially educate the person? I consider the benefit in helping this person understand how what they said was problematic and that it was problematic and taking into account my own emotional capacity to deal with them arguing with me about it not being problematic or it was a compliment, and I'm being too sensitive or whatever. Because some people just, they don't, they're not going to give, because they don't want to. So I evaluate all of those things as I consider how I'll respond. Based on the findings in the interviews, I posit that if a response is made to a microaggression, the cost/value analysis serves as one part of a double filtration process that determines how the response will be made, if at all. In the cost/value analysis, four results are possible and produce four types of outcomes: low cost/low value, low cost/high value, high cost/low value and high cost/high value (see Figure B). On one end of the spectrum (low cost/low value), the receiver may perceive the perpetrator to be of little importance rendering their microaggression not worth the response. On the other end of the spectrum (high cost/high value), the receiver may perceive the risk of speaking up high, and the perpetrator is superior. In PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 95 instances like those mentioned above, the receiver may decide to walk away and say nothing or speak with human resources. High/Low and Low/High results produced outcomes that either warranted codeswitching, questioning, or accommodating with their appearance. More interviews with Black women in higher education administration in various institutions need to be conducted to determine if this phenomenon is culturally tied to the institution within this study or whether it is applicable to most Black women in the field of education. Before reviewing the conceptual model of this analysis, it is important to note that it does not define or categorize all the ways in which a Black woman may choose to respond to microaggressions in the workplace and beyond. The choice to respond is truly an internal process that is based on many factors like the individuals lived experiences, upbringing, temperament or relationship with the perpetrator; just to name a few. Additionally, Black women can respond to microaggressions in various ways that do not involve speech. University of Connecticut Communication Researcher and faculty affiliate of the UConn Africana Studies Institute, Sharde’ Davis (2018), found that although resistance is often believed to be demonstrated through defiant behaviors, there is room to believe that one can resist communicatively whether verbally or non- verbally. As CJ stated, using the vibe of the music she decides to play in her office, her style of dress, her facial expressions or lack thereof, can also be considered responses to microaggressions in the workplace. The Cost/Value analysis below is a snapshot of some ways Black women decide if and how to respond and should not be considered the only method used to understand this process. PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 96 Figure B. Conceptual model of cost/value analysis Tempered Herstriology. Tempered herstriology serves as the second part of the double filtration process. As previously mentioned, the researcher coined this term in order to describe the process by which Black women pass down ethnic, feminine testimonies from one generation of Black women to another as a roadmap of caution (Lightsey, 2020). Six participants shared that much of their understanding of when a response was warranted came from their mothers and the teachings they gathered in their childhood homes. These testimonies of women that came before them taught them valuable lessons that helped shape their unique view of the world and those in it; it also gave way to their understanding of what is a culturally acceptable response given the perceptions of others. Lastly, the participants seemed to instinctually sense when a response was necessary. Michelle began… What I find interesting is that traditionally and historically, Black women have often been caregivers and it makes sense why our role in student and academic affairs is primarily that. And these students pay so much money. I just think that everyone else ought to really value the service component to our job too. If the students weren't here, most of us wouldn't be here either. PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 97 Michelle’s take on Black women being ‘traditionally and historically caregivers’ beautifully aligns with the notion that, as discussed in chapter two, Black women have been systemically indoctrinated to a level of servitude in the United States. Tasked with teaching and caring for the children of others and again when they become senior-citizens for nearly half a millennia, Black women have passed down a commitment to serving the greater good in the very fibers of their being. This innate sense of morale leads me to believe that Black women must be elevated to their rightful place in higher ed administration as senior leaders in that they may be the only population in history that is truly innately qualified for such roles. Audre expounded on this notion from a historical perspective. Since the beginning of time I think that Black women have had to have our guard up. We have to be ready, we have to have our own community. We have to be able to read people, we have to have our back. That comes from... That's historical and it becomes genetic. That becomes ingrained from what our grandmothers have taught us. And so, it's deep and that makes me think, "Wow, I didn't realize how deep this goes". Marian shared that her mother instilled this gift in her. I think it's part of my mom, thinking before you speak. She definitely instilled that in me. Which is funny because I've always been in situations where I clearly see that other people are not thinking before they speak. Not reading the room, they're not gauging the energy. And usually those types of people are always saying something that's gonna get everybody else mad and they don't care and they're usually not Black. Josephine agreed… If I think back, I think I developed a lot of that from my mom because she was an educator for almost 30 years. She always used to be like, look. She used to always give PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 98 me really good advice and be like, don't be letting those people take you out of character. I had just developed the face. Okay, I'm going to be cool, calm, collected and all that. She always taught me how to observe things. She always said it's not what people say, it's what they do. I think another part of that I learned on the *** campus because when I was in nuclear medicine I was around a lot of clinicians and a lot of principal investigators. We did a lot of grants back then. Just in the literature and stuff, a lot of their findings they had to observe. There's an observation period then it yields results. Then from there you make the analysis and blah, blah, blah. I think that just kind of got ingrained into me as well. Oh, okay. That kind of flies for everything. If I really think about it, I think those two factors, that's how I kind of developed my little analytical observation thingee that I do. As did Angela. She went on to add that her background in psychology also plays a role in gauging how she responds in certain circumstances. I think part of it stems from... upbringings of my mom. My mom is also an educator. Granted in a K12 world, but still an educator, and has been a very long time. Many times I get to hear all about what happens in her world, and how she responds to things, and you know, all of those things. But then the other part I think it just comes with longevity and time of being in the field. I've been in the higher ed world since 2009. Over a decade now. I've been able to learn and navigate through watching. I mean, also most people don't know. My undergrad degree is in psychology. There's that. I've only learned how to learn people. And you know, thank you Jesus for making me smart and taking that route because it honestly has played to my advantage when I'm figuring out who folks are and how I need to respond to that person to get a more... It may not always be a positive PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 99 response, but a more positive response. Or how they're responding to me, you know... If somebody else came to them with this same thing, you know, they may blow the fuck up at that person. But to me, it's not that. Funny enough, you know, I always try to take ideas and thoughtful things to my dean to try to increase morality here because... Secretly, it's low. Lastly, Kathleen concluded, Because she's been doing it her whole life, because my mom is a dark-skinned Black woman. People are really surprised that my mom is Black. People think that my mom is White. Trust me, she is not White. She is about as Black as they come. People have thought that she was my nanny. When I was growing up, they thought she was my babysitter. She will let them know real quick what the situation is and what's happening. When I'm with her, I don't ever have to clap back. I've been at work a couple times when she's come and visited me. She knows. I'll look at her and be like, I got this, mom, you know what I mean? She's like, "Okay." She's like, "Don't make me have to let them know who they are talking to, this is my baby". Defiance, resistance and speaking up. Researchers Malcom, Hall, and Brown (1976) posited that the Black woman is the 'ultimate intellectual other in American society' as what would serve in her best interest is typically in direct conflict of the dominant groups in society or the 'status quo.' When Black women do decide to respond to the microaggressions and discrimination they experience in the workplace, it is often viewed as defiance or resistance by their superiors. This does not necessarily mean that they are wrong in voicing their concerns, but it does result in many of them feeling 'wronged' after the experience. Kathleen shared, PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 100 I get in trouble sometimes, you know what I mean? Because I won't hold my tongue. I've gotten in trouble for sending emails and stuff. I won't do it. I've gotten fired before, so it's gotten me in trouble before. Angela reported having no concerns about speaking her mind in the workplace. In my current position, I'm very vocal when I need to be. I mean, I will politically correctly say things, especially to when it's, to administration. I may tell my coworkers something very different about how I feel about it. It's going to be the same content, but It's going to be said very differently. I have no qualms and no problems voicing or sharing my opinion, whether or not it gets heard or anything gets done about it. Not my problem. But yeah. You're going to get this. Marian mentioned that code switching was her go-to defense mechanism for a time before she decided to resist and be herself. And I think that's part of the reason why I stopped the code-switching too because I'm just like, "No." I was like, "I'm no longer going to hide who I am because I know I'm good at what I do." And I don't need to put on that face of like, "Oh, you know, I'm just going to be respectful and I do respectability when I'm in, no." Because I'm good at what I do and I know I am. Josephine shared an experience in which she finally decided to speak up in a group meeting and the satisfaction she felt when her voice was finally heard. One day, I just got upset. We were having a meeting. It was just going over some policies and procedures or whatnot. First of all, if I'm doing this every day and you're asking me what my input is, I'm going to tell you what my input is and how we can improve the process. So I'm doing that and then one of the other directors at the time just kept cutting PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 101 me off, trying to talk over me, things like that. So, I was giving my updates and my status report and this dude was like, "What about this? What about this? Where are we with this?" Right? So we just looked around like, wow. He got some big ones. Just asking all these other questions of other people, trying to put them to task. He ain't even doing what he supposed to be doing. I just finally said…"Excuse me. Listen. First of all, that's what we're not going to do. You're not going to keep talking over me before I can complete my thought. Now if you ask me my opinion, I'm going to give you my opinion and the reasons for that. You're not going to keep talking over me." I just left it like that. It was like, I think everybody was just shocked because I just finally was like, no, I'm not doing this. No, we're not doing this. This is not just, oh, this is a day or two of this happening. This had gone on for months, months, almost a year before I finally got fed-up enough to say something. Sometimes I just find out over my years, especially being here at ***, that sometimes you do have to put your foot down and let them know, look, I'm nice but I'm not weak. There's another side too. You want to see that side, we can do that. We can do that too. I did find out that after I did that, it changed because they weren’t placating me anymore. They didn’t try to talk over me or undermine my input or anything like that. I guess they knew at that point that either I had gotten fed up enough to finally speak up and say something, or that I wasn't an easy target anymore. Maya expounded on her earlier microaggressive experience with being talked about to her subordinates from a White faculty member. I sent her an email and pretty much said, "It's been brought to my attention that there were some concerns about my work. First, I don't appreciate you speaking to my PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 102 subordinates about my work or my work ethic, and there's some inconsistencies in what you've been saying. I'd love an opportunity to talk with you directly." We have a meeting with me and the faculty member and my supervisor to discuss what happened. Pretty much she was saying, "Well, you did drop the ball." It's like, "How did I drop the ball if the deadline was on X day, and I would be able to return to get everything done by that time? Where did the ball get dropped?" That's what I told her. I said, "It's not just this single situation. It's my reputation. It's my work ethic. It's everything that I care about. And it's super inappropriate for you to even go around talking to people about it." She was like, "Okay, fine. Do you want me to go yell and say, 'Okay, Maya did do it" I was just like, "You're so petty, inappropriate, childish." I left that meeting, and I pretty much told my boss, "Anything that needs to be submitted to her needs to come from you. I don't want to have any direct communication with her. I don't want to deal with her, because first of all I don't trust her." That was on the frontline. Evidently, after that meeting, she goes and tells one of my coworkers who was one of the people that told me, "Maya's such a baby." So, I was like, "Okay." There's nothing that I can say or do at that point other than file. I filed a report with HR just so that they're aware of it, but it's like this is the type of people and behavior that is rewarded here in *******. From that point on, it's just like, yeah, I can't work here anymore. I can't and I won't. CJ altogether had a different approach to responding using tempered herstriology; she used her surroundings and her body language to make her defiance against micro and macroaggressions known. I intentionally end this section of chapter four with one of her quotes because she illustrates using her surroundings, full of unapologetic pride in her Black heritage, as an extension of her power and strength in the workplace. To the person entering her office, CJs PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 103 presence appears to be one of historical significance and one should assume that any business conducted in her space will likely not tolerate the racist and sexist paradigms often present in academia. I kind of let the microaggressions I'm dealt combat themselves, you know? Not saying anything is almost showing ... It's actually like showing aggressiveness but their way. I might shoot a grin and an eye roll at the same time. And in my workspace, there are prevalent visuals of Black power. Posters, quotes. There's Martin in there. There's Stokely in there. There are visuals of other departments within the university that are pro- Black. All of their events, showing my support for them, and us as a people. The smell…vanilla musk. There are audio factors. You're going to get some neo-jazz. For real. You'll hear some Public Enemy a couple times. And I make no effort to turn it down when you enter my space. That's what I do. My confident silence is enough to make that person rethink that whole vibe they brought into my space. My indifference to their bullshit is enough. Identifying the Reactionary Principle of Professionally Clapping Back and the Double Filtration Process Chester Pierce's (1974) groundbreaking research on the impact microaggressions can have on the mental health of African Americans concluded with the realization that Black people must address each miniassaults through interpersonal interactions in order to fortify their self- esteem. He specifically states that, The Black must be taught to recognize these microaggressions and construct his future by taking appropriate action at each instance of recognition. He must see options for his behavior. The emphasis on feelings and motivations must result in Blacks taking PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 104 antiracist, instead of pro-racist, stances in interpersonal interactions. Black people must be ever more sensitive about how and when to take counteroffensive measures against Whites. This means, in practice, being aware of our options and feel we must exercise them in the service of reducing racist behavior. The Black would thereby be constructing his future, since all actions must be devoted to planning not for the effects of racism but for its elimination. And before he can go out to engage this wonderful world, he must put out the fire that burns in his backyard and threatens to burn even more. This dangerous fire in his backyard is racism. It must be put out before the whole province is destroyed. The day may be close at hand when community psychiatrists and other consultants are used by Blacks in their effort to decrease group divisiveness and reduce their acceptance of patronizing or condescending behavior from Whites (p. 27). In this excerpt, Pierce is explicitly recommending that any and all microaggressions need to be checked head-on in order for these behaviors that stem from racist and sexist stereotypes to cease. This research posits that Black women, specifically those in higher education administration, employ two filtration techniques before they decide to respond to a microaggression, which is directly in line with Pierce's suggestions for the Black community. In response to Pierce's recommendation for Black society to divest from creating pro-racist ways of being and, in conjunction with the understanding of Black women in the Ivory Tower's right to choose when and how to respond, my research proposes that Black women employ this reactionary principle of professionally clapping back in the workplace (see Figure C). PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 105 Figure C. Conceptual model of Reactionary Principle of Professionally Clapping Back in the Face of A Microaggression Formed with my colleague, Dr. Soraira Urquiza, the conceptual framework of this reactionary principle illustrates the internal, metacognitive process by which Black and Latina women in higher education respond to microaggressions in the workplace. Essentially, a microaggression is put forth by an individual during an interpersonal conversation. As the receptor (read Black woman) becomes aware of the microaggression, she immediately has a knee-jerk response in mind that may not be deemed professional if she says what she is thinking outright. Instead of responding with her first thought, she sends that idea forward through the double filtration process (see Figure C-1). Figure C-1. Conceptual Model of the Reactionary Principle’s Double Filtration Process-In Depth. The first filtration phase (or cost/value analysis) determines whether or not she will respond to the microaggression (see figure B). In this step, the receptor subconsciously PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 106 determines whether or not she needs to respond depending on the individual, the setting, and the mental effort a response may require. For example, if she deems the individual ignorant with no meaningful associations in her life, she may decide not to respond. On the other hand, if the individual is a colleague who she works with consistently who has made inappropriate comments to her before, she may determine that this moment is ripe for a clapback. If the situation is the latter, she will move her thought forward to the tempered herstriology phase of the filtration process in which she thinks about testimonies of other Black women who clapped back in previously shared conversations. At this point her response is determined and she verbally and professionally claps back. While this process may seem tedious based on the explanation provided, it occurs in real-time, a matter of seconds. Let me describe a situation I faced personally and how I responded to it using this reactionary principle. Once upon a time, I worked as a recruitment professional for undergraduate admission at one of the more prestigious public institutions in the United States. In this role, I was responsible for visiting secondary institutions in and out of the state of California to convince the best and the brightest students to consider our institution as an option for their academic career. I had been in this role for six years at the time. One day, I went to an all-boys, private school to discuss the application process for our institution. I had visited the school, whose students were predominantly White, all six years of my time at the university so I was quite familiar with the culture of the school and the students. I spent two hours demystifying the application process in a seniors-only workshop. As my presentation concluded and I answered a barrage of personal questions from the students, a new counselor came to greet me and thank me for my time. He shakes my hand enthusiastically and says he appreciated my coming down and taking the time to connect with their students. I thought that was very sweet of him; thanking me for doing my job. PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 107 He then gives me a mug with the school's emblem on it and assorted candies inside. I was grateful for the gesture and felt the same sense of warmth I was accustomed to when I visited each year prior. As I'm packing up my laptop and business cards, he says to me, “You know…I gotta be honest. I wasn't expecting much. But you were so eloquent and broke the process down in such a smart way. I think the students are going to apply after having met you. You attended **** too, right? Man, the hype is real. I am blown away by you. We all are”. Now while this may seem like a compliment to some, as an educated Black woman, it made the hairs on my neck stand up. I remember pausing for a brief moment (not long enough for him to notice) and began what I now realize was the reactionary principle for professionally clapping back. I remember thinking to myself, 'are you serious’, ‘what does he mean he wasn't expecting much', 'who is this guy and where does he come from that he would think saying any of this is okay' and 'if the issue was that he was not interested in hearing from ****, why does his change of heart center around my intelligence?’ After asking myself those initial questions, I asked myself was he worth a response via-clapback. I determined he was considering he was a White male, influencing other White males. I needed him to know he was projecting a negative stereotype on me without knowing anything about my background other than the institution I was representing. Using the cost/value analysis diagram (see figure B), I determined that the situation was low in cost but high in value which meant I needed to provoke this understanding for him through questioning. But what question do I ask? I remembered attending an employee conference on social justice in higher education that discussed microaggressions in the classroom and the workplace. At the end of the presentation, all of us attendees sat in a circle and shared our experiences with microaggressions in such a transparent and vulnerable way. I recalled one older Black woman's story about finally standing PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 108 up for herself to a colleague that had repeatedly bullied her in the office. By bullying, I mean he rarely acknowledged her presence, and when he did, he made a point to loudly question what she was 'trying' to say to him with her 'thick' Jamaican accent. She tells us how, after months of this behavior, she loudly responded to him by saying, “Well why don't you hire a fucking translator, Matthew? You're the only one who works in this office that can't understand what I'm saying! That sounds like a personal problem you need to fix.” In tears, she recounted how fearful she was after confronting the individual, how she worried her boss and her colleague would damage her reputation and that she would lose her job. She also mentioned being so angry at herself for reacting to her colleague that way. We all cried with her signifying that in that moment, all of us were probably thinking of our own impending blow-ups. After taking a breath to calm herself down, the woman said, “I was eventually let go. I know there was a better way for me to have handled it than cursing him out like I did. I just could not take it anymore.” She shared that when she packed her things and walked out of the office, the strangest thing happened. Though she felt like a little girl who was expelled from school, she was happy that she said what she needed to say. She vowed that in her next position, which she was in by the time she shared her story, she refused to let anyone disrespect or bully her in the workplace again. Through recalling her story, I realized I could not respond with the guttural anger I was feeling. At that moment, I looked at him and said, “Thank you! Can I ask you a quick question, though? When exactly were you not expecting much? Was it when you heard **** was coming, or was it when I walked in the door? I ask because I'm a bit confused by what you just said about my eloquence and all.” The counselor's eyes opened wide, and his face immediately turned bright red. He quickly retracted his statement and apologized profusely for his transgression. He said he meant no harm. We went our separate ways on good terms. I no doubt believe that the PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 109 interaction we shared had a profound effect on his day as it did mine. While he may have pondered his own positionality in the world, I felt free and proud of myself. Because of that feeling of freedom, I remembered thinking back on all the microaggressions I had let go earlier in my career and that sinking feeling I carried home of feeling ashamed that I did not say anything. I realized that I could no longer allow myself to be a passive participant in the games racist, sexist, and ignorant people play, regardless of whether the discrimination was intentional or not. Similar to Josephine's feelings after confronting her colleague during a meeting, Black women often regret speaking up for themselves regardless of how professional or warranted the clapback may have been. I admit, behind my happiness and in the back of my mind, I feared my supervisor would get an email from the school requesting that another representative be assigned. Such is the way speaking up for oneself as a Black woman becomes a double-edged sword in that 'doing so does not always result in feeling empowered; she could become regretful for fear of retaliation', (Winfrey, 2015). Ashes to Ashes: Embracing Vulnerability in the Ivory Tower Though microaggressions in the workplace often result in Black women in the Ivory Tower questioning themselves through a personal cost/value analysis and filtering their responses through tempered herstriology, the responses that inevitably make their way to the surface doesn't always make the situation better. To some Black women, showing anger is a sign of their own weaknesses, and 'using this force does not necessarily make her feel empowered but rather regretful' (Winfrey, 2015). For Black women showing anger is the epitome of the double- edged sword in that by embracing that frustration in the moment may result in others not being receptive to their complaints at all. PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 110 Feelings For Black women, experiencing microaggressions have resulted in this perpetual need to self-police and overcompensate for their presumed deficiencies. The 'daily barrage of challenges' faced by Black women in administration tends to 'affect their confidence and ultimately results in racial battle fatigue,' (Franklin, Hung & Smith, 2014). In accordance with the third research question, the participants were asked a series of questions designed to better understand how they preserve their mental health and their own perception of their worth in the workplace regardless of the microaggressions they continue to face. It was discovered that all fifteen women felt overwhelmed, stressed, pressured, and frustrated with many of the experiences they had in the workplace when met with microaggressions but remained motivated by their love for helping students, solving problems, and their own commitment to being life-long learners. The women also noted that self-care in the form of days off, solitude, physical activity, and therapy was also beneficial to them being able to stay the course in their respective professions. Overwhelmed. Audre, Jane, and Thyrsa spoke deeply about feeling spread thin, burnt out, and overwhelmed. For Audre, mental overload was a symptom of being overwhelmed. I always used to push myself to a limit, as us women do, taking care of everybody else except ourselves. Making everybody happy, going above and beyond. I was feeling it in my shoulders, I was feeling it in my neck, I was feeling it in my body, I was exhausted. We do this to ourselves, especially being a woman of color who is climbing the ladder; ‘I can do it, I’ll be on the committee, yes no problem, I got it’. Then I end up with 50 projects and no time for me. I used to multi-task, like right now, I would've been on the phone with you, trying to answer emails, trying to look at this or that… Whereas for Jane, she knew she was overwhelmed when her body began to feel achy. PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 111 I can physically feel it. I had really bad sciatica over the summer and into the fall, and I realized it's because I was sitting in my chair too long at work. So I have to get up. I have to get up. I would just sit in my chair for three hours straight, no big deal. I can feel it in my body. I feel like I can't think as clearly and I feel overwhelmed when I can't think. Or like now, I'm sick, obviously something's wrong. I need to take better care of myself. My throat hurts, I'm all achy. But even now, I'm like, "Oh, I really should just go in before I teach." because there's stuff I need to get done. I have a proposal for a conference that's due tomorrow. I'd rather just submit it, because I'm like, "What if I can't go in?" and I'm like, "Oh, if I could just go in for an hour, it would be so much better. "And it's so weird, because it's so counterintuitive to be like...I just need to finish the task I'm doing." And it's like, "No, no, no. I have to get up”. For Thyrsa, being overwhelmed is a unique mixture of mental and physical overload. It's a combination of physical and mental. Unfortunately lately it's been my body telling me. Not my family, not anything else. So, I'd make up for being here late with my family in other ways, but usually it's my internal body telling me. That's how I feel when I wake up in the morning. You're supposed to be refreshed and it's like I can't do this today. I need to take off in the morning or I definitely can't be here longer than five o'clock. So, that's like the physical and mental awareness of it. Physically I'm obviously not getting the rest that I need, that my body needs. But mental, my mind is not turning off to give me the rest even though I already have done as much as I can for the day, still going over mentally about the things that I still need to do. PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 112 Stressed. Stress, or the feeling of being on edge, constantly worrying about one's perception or work ethic being questioned and being under scrutiny in the workplace was another feeling the participants reported. Dorothy expressed, I definitely think I don't get enough rest and don't work out. Just little stuff like that, like you aren't eating well. You're stressed. It had gotten to the point where I had started to get stress tension in my neck and everything, it was hurting because it's just so much and I feel like sometimes they expect way too much of you and a lot of times people say yes because we're trying to prove ourselves, and we have to get to a point where we just say no. It's okay to say no and if you fired because of that, that shows your character. They'll ask you to do things and it's a Saturday. They tell you at five o'clock on a Saturday, "We need you to be here." Toni noted that she had to hit a very low point in order to recognize she might be stressed. I’ve got to hit rock bottom, or to the point where I cannot get out the bed. If I cannot get out the bed, then that’s like my cue, okay, we’ve got to figure this out. I’d stress about the stress before the stress even hits, and then I’d stress about that. That’s part of it. So yeah, I definitely do not do self-care. Thyrsa shared, I'm trying my best to separate. I'm conflicted by it because there is an important job that needs to be done, and unfortunately, where I am at this point right now on February 20th, 2020, there's no one who I can lean on to do it. Not one person. Not even if I were to type up this is how to do it and here it is. There's just not one person who can do it. I would say when I had a lot of personal family issues and challenges, I did not step away from work when I needed to. I'm not sure if it's just me the reason why I didn't step away, or if PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 113 it was the culture of the workplace that did not allow me to. There's one thing that says, "Oh, I'm sorry, take the time that you need." But then there's really the other part of it where you have a supervisor or a manager that just says, " Take the time that you need but I'm still emailing you, or I'm going to text you. Or they really take the time that you need and let the employee really check out.” I didn't ... So again, not saying it was totally supervisor or office culture, it could be me as well. So I don't practice self-care like I need to. Pressured. Similar to Thyrsa’s experience above, participants also reported feeling an overwhelming sense of pressure to outperform in their roles. This pressure stemmed from a sense of being held to a high standard in the workplace with no room for mistakes or opportunities for more assistance and clarification. CJ posited, I think just with my work alone, because I am the Black face, like you said there's pressure, at least, or because I'm Black, if I'm doing something right, it has to be right. Because I don't want there to be any backlash, any room for backfire, any room for someone second-guessing me. It’s exhausting. As Black women we’re constantly thinking of the negative aspects of what we’re trying to do. You have to always think of what you're doing (which is good work) from a negative perspective just to be sure you’ve thought of every possible scenario or question that could come up. And even if it doesn't come to play we still feel like we had to be ready. It's stressful and you've wasted all that time for a ‘just in case’. You're always defending yourself when you don't even have to. Maya and Dorothy noted that they felt pressured to live up to high standards in their work so that other Black women may be considered for the opportunity later. PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 114 The person that was in my role before me was also a Black woman. When she left, they had a lot of negative things to say about her. I think coming into the role, I really felt this pressure of them taking a chance on another Black woman, like, "Don't mess it up." So, I think I already had this level of perfectionism but just like I need to rise to the occasion and always outperform. It's like not only do I feel like I have to do a good job for people to respect me as a Black woman, but also I would really love to see another Black woman given another opportunity once I leave. Instead, because it's like we could have 50 White folks in this position and not think twice about it, but it's like, "Ooh, there were already two of them. Let's switch it up some." So, I just felt definitely that pressure from day one stepping into that role. How do I not mess it up for the next person too? (Maya) They tend to categorize all Black people and, now that I think about it, maybe I was being selfish by leaving because then I did a disservice to my people. What I think about it is, by leaving, I've been opening these positions for others that aren't me because my up and leaving put a bad reputation in their minds like, "They're not going to stay nowhere. You know how they are." You know what I mean? Even though I'm in an all-Black space now, you're going to still face whatever because some people don't appreciate that you have your own space and that's fine, but I'm at the place now where I'm like, "Okay. I'm going to fight this differently because now I have to think about one; my future and not allow them to make me give up my position because the moment we leave a position, they only replace you with a non-minority. (Dorothy) Frustrated. Lastly, participants noted that they felt frustrated with their circumstances in the workplace in that they felt powerless to change their environments. Josephine stated, PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 115 You know what? It made me feel very minimized. It made me feel like despite all the hard work that I was putting in, and despite what I was contributing to the department, it still didn't matter. They were still going to see me a certain way. That was just like, at that point I was like, what the hell is wrong with these people? Marian mentioned that she felt frustrated with many tough spots in her life, not just work. Last week, I had just a lot of things going on and I wasn't able to process everything because it was a mix of my personal relationships with people, tackling my own issues, and then it was all my assignments that were due for school, plus I work all these hours but I’m broke. And it was just all of that and I refuse to talk about them because at the moment, I was talking about them would just set me off. So let me just keep pushing through. And by the end of the week, I noticed my disposition and I was like, "I know I probably seem really angry or annoyed every day." I saw myself getting to that point. I was just really I would just wake up already irritated. And I was just like, "Why am I already angry? Nothing has happened yet." And that would set me off throughout the day. So every little thing would make me mad. And everything would stress me out. So I was like, "Oh, I don't want to do this”. Alice was much more transparent and in-depth about her frustrations with not only her work environment but the institution as a whole. When I think about things that have hurt me to my core at this institution and just really just had me so confused again, what is my purpose? Like, what am I even trying to do all of this for? If people, which I think are plainly more ignorant, whichever one it is, are making it a fact to make me feel so low; And so that's when I just felt like I kind of completely shut down and I just gave up on the idea of being accepted, being able to fit in PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 116 at this place I've worked so hard to get to. And it just, again, it was just like sinking in. Do I belong in this place? Like it doesn't matter what I do, how I look, how manicured, what it is. I'm just going to keep running into these interactions. If I'm being honest, I have lost my motivation. It does not exist right now. And that kills me. People think this place is so prestigious, I’m like this is a ghetto ass school. Every day they'd be like, "What's going on with your school?" I'm like, "I don’t feel like it’s MY school. I just work here." You all got the nerve to be treating me like this and this is what you all got going on at the top. Motivation Where motivation was concerned, the participants split over their main reasoning for remaining in the field regardless of the negative experiences they've faced. A third of the participants stated helping students of color as their primary interest, specifically Black and Brown students. Falling just short of a third, four participants touted their interest in solving problems in higher education as their main source of motivation. Lastly, the final third of participants confirmed that their interest in continuing on the path to self-improvement as their primary motivation for staying in the field of education. Helping students. Shirley Chisolm (2020) once said that, ‘service is the rent one pays for room on this earth’, and for many of the Black women in this study, this quote reigns supreme. While Alice has always had an interest in helping Black and Brown students, her motivation has taken a hit due to the experiences she has had in her current work environment. I really want to work with people of color exclusively in a college setting. I want to work towards getting students to attend school with little to no debt, absolutely free. Before all of the scandals I was so inspired. But the longer I've been here, slowly but surely, all of PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 117 that has seeped out of my pores. And now I'm just like, I'm just trying to make sure my direct deposit hits, the bills get paid, and I’ll think about goals and dreams and all that junk later. It’s not at the forefront of my mind at all. Jane shared similar sentiments though she is much more satisfied with her current role. Sometimes it's straight up, I need money so I can live because I have to have a job. I mean, overall, I like my job. I like the students I work with. I like what I get to do. With that being said, a lot of times, what I find most motivating for me is working with our graduate students. Undergrads are great and I love the student interaction, but I love helping to mentor and develop graduate students that want to work in the field. And so that’s where a lot of my persistence comes from. That's what gives me joy. Marian knows that her career will always focus on supporting Black students. Even though it's not necessarily what I do, I know my career trajectory will put me in a space where I am dedicating my services to helping Black students. And that is something that I genuinely enjoy doing that is my passion. I love seeing Black kids succeed because I know it's hard for us to. And using my own experiences, my own struggles I just remember the people in my life who had those hidden gems and how much it helped me. And then I'll see if it was struggling I'm like, " You didn't know about this? Here do this." That's something that I really want to do. And so that really drives my passion. Everything that I do is to help Black students really. My life is helping Black students succeed in whatever capacity that may be because my career path might change. But at the end of the day, it's always going to be with Black kids in mind. Angela wants to be a role model for her students, assuring that if she can become a doctor, they can too. PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 118 I think what motivates me to persist is that there's still so much work to be done in the realm of higher ed, and there's still so much more learning to be had in the realm of higher ed. And there aren't enough people to look like me in higher ed. And so, that is motivating enough for me to continue the work that I do, to continue the kind of path that I'm on, to let little brown girls out there know that you can be a young doctor and it is okay to live your truth, and to you know, excel in your passion. But that you're doing it for the right reasons for you. Michelle believes that a quality education can put students on the right path to a more equitable future. I very much believe in the power of education to transcend situations, good ones and less than good. I value knowledge. It's easy to forget, people are like, "Oh, you went to ***". I don't usually think in those terms, but we do. We are there. I increasingly see the value in being there, visible to all of our students. As I said, most of our relationships seem to be cultivated by either first gen students of all creeds, or Black and brown students. That's important. When I can, I develop relationships with White folks too. When they want to build, I am there to build with them too. I think that keeps me going. What the aforementioned quotes, and those to come, seem to reveal is that the women in this study are motivated to persist in the profession by factors that are not exclusive to the institution itself. Hirshman (1970) believed that when loyalty to the organization was present, exiting could be reduced, but these women display the exact opposite; they stay in their profession because of a core belief, or calling, that education can play a role in social stratification for Black and Brown students-regardless of the institution. Essentially, their loyalty lies with the students they support not the institution. PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 119 Solving problems. Michelle, along with a few other participants, expressed that they were also motivated to remain in the field of education because they liked the problem-solving aspect of their work in administration. She's motivated by her passion for helping sustain favorable change for the next generation of college students. I really do want to see change in the world, positive change and sustained change, which we see, to me, increasingly in our political realm how fragile it is. How fragile change and democracy and forward thinking is, it's really fragile. My sights are set beyond this place. Thyrsa touts that, though her work stresses her out at times, she loves to make information make sense. I’m actually kind of like a puzzle solver and not in the literal sense but the kind of role that I do is a puzzled problem solver pretty much like every day. For some reason, I kind of like it even when it stresses me out. But I kind of like solving puzzles, if you will, and seeing it through to the end, kind of like I don't know if you're familiar with balance sheets in accounting, the role that I have and what I do reminds me of that. Is that you're trying to balance your balance sheet and you're balanced or you're off by one and now you got to redo it all over again to figure out where that one is. I know that's crazy but I kind of like it. That kind of what keeps me motivated in the role that I'm in right now. Now, what the future holds I don't know. Maya posits that she loves tackling challenges that seem insurmountable head-on. I did some personal values with my staff about a year ago, and this idea of ... Just the idea of achievement is a goal for me or a personal value. So, I think not so much that I see myself as an underdog by any means, but I feel like I kind of take on that mentality of I PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 120 love coming into spaces where maybe I'm underrated or undervalued or just unexpected to excel in a particular way, not even necessarily meaning that there's thoughts that I won't, but just that I'm kind of flying under the radar. And to come in and completely transform something, I love being able to come into a space ... I feel like I have really good skills. But I think also I've always considered going into consulting because, once I fix a problem, get bored, and I don't want to be there anymore. I actually don't thrive in places where there isn't a lot of friction or there isn't a lot of growth or change. So, I considered, okay, maybe I can just be a fixer and go in, fix it, and then move onto the next problem. Kathleen knows the institution inside-out and is motivated by her ability to use her knowledge to make lasting change. That is what makes me persist because I know I could go other places. Yes, everybody knows I love ***. I'm all rah, rah, ***. But I also know how the sausage is made. I know that there's a lot of bullshit here. If there can be an advocate for these students to know that, hey, I've lived through it and I know how to get around some of this bullshit. It's never going to go away, that's just not how it works. We live in America, it's never going to go away. So you can bitch and complain about it, and that's fine, but you can't use that as your crutch and your excuse not to succeed. Because it aint ever, ever, ever going to change. What you can do is say, you know what? I can hopefully eradicate a little bit, a little bit, and along the way, bring some other people with me. We can help change this place and change the culture of this place. That's what makes me persist. Also, I'm not a quitter. I'm going to finish what I started because I have to, and I want people to call me doctor. So that's why. PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 121 Self-Improvement. Self-improvement was another motivator for a third of the participants in this study. Their interest in continuing to be life-long learners and setting an example for members of their families helped keep them committed to the field regardless of their less than favorable experiences. Billie felt a responsibility to constantly be her best self. My own just internal drive to want to always improve, want to be proud of myself, want my ancestors and my kids to be proud of me. Because a lot of people suffered and lived and died for us to have the rights and the space that we have now, and wanting to honor that and make good use of the time and the space that I occupy on this planet, and not wanting to waste the gifts that I've been given, and the potential that I have. Josephine was motivated by her commitment to using her God-given talents for good. What motivates me is I continuously want to do better. I tend to choose positions or departments where I feel like I can learn from because I do get bored quickly. I'm like, I tend to try to place myself in situations where it's like, okay, I'm going to come out of this better than I came in it. Another thing is, I do want to open doors for other Black women. We are special. We are freaking unicorns and glitter. We do so much, but yet we don't get half the credit that we deserve. I do want to change that, just do my work and just show other people that, even if you haven't been around a lot of Black people, a lot of Black women, whoever. We're magical. Not only that, but we're cool. You don't have to be afraid of us. I just want to make a difference for those who come after me. Hopefully it won't be so hard for them. If that means that I got to go through some BS while I'm going through my journey, I'm okay. I know I'm equipped for it. I can deal with it. I guess that's what motivates me. Like I said, I want to constantly do better. I want to continue PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 122 learning. I consider myself a lifelong learner. I love learning new stuff, new things, new theories, whatever. Audre doesn't know what it means to be 'basic' (read mediocre) at anything. You know, I think about that all the time. I think some people are wired to be great and some people are okay with just being average. I've never, in my entire life, just been okay with being average. So whatever the thing I'm involved in is, I have to be great at it. It's just in me, it's the way I was raised. My dad didn't play any games. You can't come into my house with anything less than an A-. Everything that I've been taught is, when you put your effort in something, you have to be good at it. I'm passionate about my profession. I'm passionate about increasing diversity in health care. So I think because I'm passionate and authentic about it, I continue to say yes to opportunities, I continue to succeed. I'm motivated by that, I'm motivated by inspiring others, I'm motivated by being a change agent, it's motivating to know that I believe in being able to identify other people's dopeness and because I'm passionate about that, it's hand in hand with what I do in my profession. Toni is motivated by her younger self and the promise she made to herself years ago. My childhood. Growing up in foster care and not having a lot of stuff, watching what my mom went through, I just know I don't want to be like that. I know that I want to be healthy, I want to live a healthy life. I just want to give myself the things I didn't have growing up. I refuse, but I'm telling you, there's times where I'd be feeling like how long can I go? Because it'd be extremely hard. But, I would say my childhood and then how I want my future to look. That's absolutely what keeps me motivated. That's it. Katherine has done the time and is ready to reap the benefits. PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 123 Honestly, at this point I think it's maybe time that I've invested an interest in students and what I've done in the past. But I think it's more time. Time outweighs interest at this point. I've been doing it so long it just feels like it comes natural. Self-Care Understanding that Black women in the field of higher education have dedicated their lives to helping others, they find that to stay the course in the field they must learn to take time for themselves. Ever the sacrificial, Black women in higher education administration often speak of suppressing their emotional needs for the sake of anticipating others (Harris-Perry, 2011). The participants in this study expressed that they each had a moment in either their personal or professional lives where some form of self-care was needed in order to protect their mental or physical health. In the sections below, participants discuss how taking time off, finding solitude, partaking in physical activities, seeking therapy and connecting with other women of color helped them to manage negative feelings and experiences. Time off. Time off or away from the work environment (whether sick, vacation or mental health days) was seen as a welcomed solution amongst the participants. Katherine shared, There was a time when I was working in this position that I took a leave, like a mental health break, and I did that purposefully. So that was actually an opportunity where I felt like my direct supervisor did really encourage me and that was probably the best break I could have taken. My father was battling cancer at the time and he was commuting from Las Vegas to LA and I found out that he needed to stay in LA for an extended period of time for a bone marrow transplant. So I wasn't able to necessarily leave work early. I didn't have those kinds of accommodations. Audre mentioned, PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 124 Specifically, in health care, I'm always teaching people how to take care of themselves. It's always so funny because, am I doing that myself? Am I balancing work, balancing life? Like today, I'm working from home today. Marian expressed, It's funny, I've never done it because of that, but I feel like the universe works in mysterious ways. Something will happen where I have to take the day off. But then during that day off, I'm not doing nothing. It will be like, "I think I want to go get drinks with my friends." And apparently I had too much to drink and I didn't know. But I woke up with a really bad hangover and I was like, "I cannot go to work." So I called off and immediately after I called off, I felt better. And I was like, "What?" And I was like, "Damn, I'm missing out on money." But I was like, "You know what?" I went to a little cafe. I went to get my nails done. I came back home and I was like, "I feel a lot better." I feel like that was the universe saying, "Girl, sit down." Toni believed that the state of California could do more to help make self-care a priority in the workplace. First of all, the state of California should give us sick days AND mental health days, that would just be amazing because I think it's important to have those separately. But I think nowadays people use sick days for mental days, because I do it. And it sucks because I don't feel comfortable with taking a mental health day. I do not. Solitude. Interestingly, six of the participants mentioned taking part in activities that required solitude as a form of their self-care practices. These participants hold forward-facing roles in their respective departments so time alone, out of the public eye, seems to be a natural response to detaching from their work. Alice and Michelle shared a love for reading, PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 125 Unfortunately, a part of my self-care, I almost drink wine every single day because I'm just like, "I have to flush this day away." I was just on like, it's me, my self-care has not been consistent, but I'm trying and reading is a part of that. I've had to really just get into fiction a lot. I'm like, well somebody must be having a better life than me. I'm going to jump into these books. I'm just going to try to just get away from this for a while, for what I can. (Alice) That's something I do. I got the book, Michelle Obama's Becoming. I read it. She's amazing. I already knew that, but even more so. I got a companion as a holiday present. I don't journal, but I think it's probably a good thing. I wish I did do that. Making time to do that, occasionally I'll try to do some. Right now part of my mental health is just to get out of my office. I'm not doing a great job at it, but I can definitely be glued to the chair. I need to do better, and get out. Going for a walk, inviting someone to coffee. (Michelle) Angela prefers to channel her vibe. Sometimes I just sit on my couch and veg out and watch Netflix. I haven't had the opportunity to just read a good book, but sometimes that's a way I kind of release in self- care. Every now and then I'll treat myself to a brunch, honey. Sometimes I'll meditate. It just depends on the kind of where I'm at in the space that I'm in, that kind of helps guide the type of self-care that I seek. A lot of times it's based on my vibe, but then there are times where it is pre-planned. It's like if I know I have something major going on and you know, okay, I know I need to just chill the fuck out after this happens. Like this past weekend. Billie likes to get in tune with her artistic side. PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 126 I paint. I meditate. I've been doing a good job of doing face masks. I play music, like I listen to music as a form of self-care, but then I also play music as a form of self-care. I take a lot of walks throughout the day. If I just feel like I've been at my desk too long, or feeling overwhelmed by some of the stuff that I have going on, I go outside. I get fresh air. I take walks and I go to therapy. Audre pampers herself whenever she gets some downtime. I made an appointment for a mani-pedi. I constantly make sure to implement self-care, massages, facials, just quiet time for myself, quality time with my husband. All these things I'm defining as my self-care and being able to regroup and re-energize myself. And being able to be reflective and grateful and practice gratitude for my self-care, so that I can go back into these environments because you always have to be on. So you have the bullshit out in the world, when you come back and it's your time, you don't need that for your time. Self-care is imperative in being able to handle and deal with microaggressions because they come at you. Physical activities. Physical activity also served as a way for some of the participants to decompress after a long week. Kathleen likes taking happy walks. If I have a particular day like today, when I was dealing with this aggressive father who was just a total asshole, I’ll put on my Tom's kicks, and go for a happy walk. I’ll go for a walk around campus where people aren't, like in the back part. That helps me burn off a little bit of energy. It just depends. If it's the situation, if I can go for a happy walk, that's great. If not, sometimes I'll just come in my office, and close the door and be like, devil, not today, not today, devil, I can't deal with you right now. Alice actively plans workouts as a means to focus on her overall health. PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 127 I am trying to make steps towards getting my self-care together, because It's almost do or die for me and I'm trying to do it. And I'm trying my best. And so like for me, a part of my self-care is just health care. I just want to work out and eat healthier. Jane likes to find fun activities to do that also get her out of the office during the week. I know within our office stuff can get hectic and I always want to be available for our student workers but I've been trying really hard to incorporate more self-care into my daily work. And so taking breaks, because a lot of times I'm like, "Oh, I'll just push through." and then go chat with someone for five minutes and come back. And so I'm trying to do walks, meditation. I'm trying to go to more events on campus, speaker series, just ways to engage myself differently than sitting at my desk. I had to start putting it in my schedule, walk break at 11. And then I have to do it every day before I leave for the next day. What's my schedule, "Oh, I have a meeting at 11 so I can't walk then? Okay, so I have to go walk at 10:30 then." having to actually plan it out. And I've learned I can't be like, "Oh, I'll just do it in 10 minutes." Because then it doesn't happen. Maya likes to step away from it all and go for hikes. Anytime I feel like I am starting to feel that in myself where it's like family, school, work, and I just don't know where to focus my attention, then I know I need to step away from all of it completely and just go for a walk, go for a hike, go get a massage, go hang out with one of my girlfriends and just laugh. I know I just need to take time away. For a lot of people, it seems counterproductive. It's like, "You have 10 things to do. Why would you go do something else?" But I think stepping away for me has always helped me just kind of refocus and be able to launch on something. PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 128 Therapy. Though there is a negative stigma in the Black community associated with mental health services, several participants expressed relief in talking to a friend, a colleague or therapist about their feelings and concerns. Marian claimed, I think I'm trying to find other ways of practicing self-care. I think I'm not that consistent. But I mean, my main self-care is being able to unpack with my friends. So me and my friends are constantly having our own therapy sessions about just how we're feeling, why we feel certain types of ways, are we trippin’ about how we're reacting to things in our lives. And usually as a collective, we're like, "No, we are not trippin’ actually." Billie stated, Some things are routine, like I don't wait to feel like I need to go to therapy to go to therapy. It's like, every week you have your appointment, and then I either have more or less to do or to talk about in therapy, depending on how my week's gone. Then, that process taught me to regularly do check-ins with myself, and so whether it's something simple like, "I'm hungry, I need to eat," or, "I need a break. I need some fresh air," or whatever it is, you know. For Josephine, it was the unfortunate passing of her mother that propelled her to seek therapy. I lost my mom at the end of 2018. That was, uhf, girl. It's just now letting up. I really had to do a lot of self-reflection and a lot of praying, for sure. I really learned that I had to start taking better care of myself, and that includes mentally. I had just reached such a low during that period that I was just like, you know. I got into a depression and had to deal with that. It's kind of like even Black women, sometimes we're taught we can't be vulnerable. We have to always be strong. We always have to figure things out. We always have to be the one that has the solutions. So even during that time it's kind of like, PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 129 I still had to figure things out, not only for myself but for my sons. They were going through it too. They were very close to my mom. I ended up going to therapy because I did recognize, I need help with this. You know when you're in your skin, you know yourself. It's just, I legit, I couldn't find joy. I was just so low. I couldn't be happy or get excited about anything. That's not my personality. Usually I'm very upbeat, try to be anyway. I'm usually very positive. This too shall pass and all that. I just couldn't. I couldn't get my mindset around it. I know that sometimes there's a stigma within our community too about seeking therapy. I just felt like it was something that I needed to try to kind of get past this hump. I'm just so glad I did. It did help me to kind of get back on track and just understand that it is, these are the stages of life. Not that it makes it better, but we are going to have times in our lives where it's like, things get really bad. Just understanding that it's not going to be that way forever but you have to just really develop tools to kind of get through it and push through and keep going, just to really understand that it's a process. Grieving is a process. It's not a time limit or anything on it. You just have to keep moving. Toni expressed gratitude for having an African-American therapist to share her story with. My therapist has been helping me and I'm glad that she's African American because there were a few I had that were not, and it's like you would tell them things and they would be, "Well why?" I'm not going to go back. So I have a really good therapist. She's African American, she's young and she's great and I make sure I go. I guess that's my one self- care. I don't miss therapy. Connecting. Lastly, nine of the fifteen participants shared that connecting with other Black women in the workplace was its own form of self-care and they desired to commune PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 130 amongst one another as a campus resource. Alice mentioned how hard it has been to find other Black women in administration on campus. This is my fourth year, and it is still such a difficult place to navigate. If I just knew anyone that was maybe more senior, or just has had other successful experiences on the campus, I think that would be such a great professional development opportunity for me and a great confidence booster. I rarely see people that look just like me. Even with my student population, I don't have any Black female students, now that I think about it. I don't have any Black female students. So I think that would be extremely helpful for me in my professional career to have another woman of color at least a resource. Audre expressed her desire for more opportunities to connect with other Black people, in general, around campus. …for example this conversation, when you reached out, I was like ‘I got you, what do you need me to do’. Being a community that we have even here at ***, even if you aren't in my department, even if I don't know you, like what do we need to do? That's the community, that's either sisterhood, or even if you were a male, you know it's just the community. And that alone keeps me from being discouraged when I'm dealing with certain things, like microaggressions. I leave work feeling... with my heart feeling happy. Five of the nine participants proclaimed that there was real value in connecting with women in the office and building deeper relationships with them in the workplace. Jane shared that she felt lucky to have colleagues who were genuinely interested in getting to know her. I'm trying to think back. Overall, I think I've been lucky, because most of the people that I work with are very aware. They're super into cultural and personal narratives. And so, I've never felt like they've done anything to me or to others, because they're just so hyper- PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 131 aware and they're always wanting to learn. And they can say it without it being weird. They've learned how to be, "I want to know your story. I want to know about your family and your culture." Josephine is happy to be in an environment where she is no longer the only woman on the team. I think the ratio is more women than men in our current workplace so that's nice, to me, for me, that's been a nice change because it's usually the other way around in the previous departments that I worked in. And I've definitely been the only African American in my office. So it just feels really good to have colleagues that look like me that can understand some of the concerns that I do have. So it makes it a nice work environment. Michelle maintains that building authentic relationships with other Black women and people of color is ideal. The relationships that I've cultivated over the years, a number of them, not all of them, but a number of them are people of color. So I do my best to continue that network. Hey, what are you into? Let me hook you up with this person. Because our relationships are so authentic, that alone definitely reaches out. It's a beautiful thing. CJ appreciates working with other Black women as a form of staying "in the know." Yeah, I do have opportunity, yes and it is of value to me, mainly because we can relate to each other as far as experiences within the department as being two Black women. Experiences with other staff and faculty in the department. Give each other 'the low down.' Kathleen finds being able to be her authentic self a breath of fresh air. It's extremely valuable because I get to work with people who look like me, who understand the struggles of being an educated Black woman at a predominantly White PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 132 university, but also, who work at the ******** school. This is even more predominantly White, if you know what I mean, and predominantly male. So it's a constant battle every single day for respect, for validation, for having to knock down stereotypes, disbelief. I don't ever have to talk about code-switching. We already know what it is, I don't have to explain it. If I say I'm going to go for a happy walk because I'm tired of dealing with craziness and madness from other departments, other parents, or alumni, or whomever, students coming in, working with other Black professional women, I don't have to explain why. They already know because they're living it too. Lastly, Maya and Angela expressed gratitude for the Black women they are fortunate enough to have as mentors. I think really, outside of work, I would talk with my other female Black friends who were in senior leadership roles and use them kind of as a sounding board, also just to make sure I'm not crazy, like, "Let me explain to you what happened. Am I crazy, or am I trippin’, or am I reading too much into it?" So, I feel like it would have been nice to have someone within the same setting to say, "Let me bounce this idea off you. What do you think ... What do you think about it? How would you respond?", just kind of for that check to just make sure that ... Because, yeah, you start to feel crazy when you're the only person. So, it's like, "I don't know if I'm reading too much into it, but there's already been this history of this, this, and this." I think it would have been very helpful to have someone else just to kind of act as a sounding board. (Maya) Yeah, and it's, again, it's nice to be able to have someone who opens the door, who has been paving the way. She's been here since the program's inception, so she's seen it all. I PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 133 think she's absolutely fantastic. She is a very hands-off hands-on boss. What I mean by that is that she expects you to do your job, and do it effectively. But hands-on in that she's the most supportive, most kind-hearted, most real person in this entire establishment, honestly. She keeps it real, she's very professional though. And so, sometimes she has to give it to you in the most professional real way. (Angela) Summary The preceding chapter contains the qualitative analysis of this study, makes a connection between the analysis and the three research questions, and presents the narrative analysis methodology with a goal of maintaining consistency. The narratives provided in this chapter were compounded from fifteen participants over the course of fifteen interviews. Each participant identified as a Black woman, who works at the institution in question with a minimum of five years of experience and an understanding of, and familiarity with, the term microaggression. The three research questions in this chapter were designed to determine how Black women in administration at a historically White, private institution in Southern California navigate microaggressions and preserve their mental health and self-efficacy in the workplace. Consistent with the qualitative methodology, thirty-two child codes and eight parent codes, or major themes in the research, were identified. The eight themes that emerged from the experiences of Black women in higher ed administration at a historically White institution in Southern California were as follows: a) experiencing microaggressions, b) understanding their feelings in the workplace, c) chronicling their responses to microaggressions, d) discussing their desires in the workplace, e) identifying their motivation for continuing in the field, f) quantifying their experiences with practicing self-care, g) shaping their identity expression in the workplace and h) dissecting the skillsets they use to help navigate their workplace and their colleagues. PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 134 Chapter five of this qualitative study will critically discuss these eight themes, as well as how these themes work with the CRF (2003) and TR (2001) frameworks to understand the Black woman's process for responding to microaggressions in the workplace. PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 135 CHAPTER FIVE: DISCUSSION AND CONCLUSION When Embers Ignite A Flame: How Black Women in the Ivory Tower Rise Up & Professionally Clap Back In order to provide a complete representation of this study and the narratives of the participants within it, it is imperative that “all the loose ends be gathered together to form a cohesive conclusion”, (Cryer, 2006). This final chapter culminates this dissertation by providing a brief synopsis of chapters one through four, delves deeper into the conclusions formed from the results of the research, acknowledges limitations, addresses implications for American universities and makes recommendations for future studies. The purpose of this qualitative research study was to explore how Black women in administration at a historically White, private institution in Southern California navigated microaggressions and preserved their mental health and self-efficacy in the workplace. The following research questions were identified: 1. How do Black women in administration at a historically White institution in Southern California navigate the assumptions and expectations of their colleagues based on their identity? 2. How do Black women in administration at a historically White institution in Southern California navigate microaggressions in the workplace? 3. What impact, if any, do microaggressions in the workplace have on the mental health and self-efficacy of Black women at a historically White institution in Southern California? The literature on administrators who are Black women largely explored the experiences of this unique population from a deficit perspective; they face microaggressions, they are systematically oppressed and they face an uphill battle for advancement opportunities (Howard- PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 136 Vital, 1989; Allan-Brown, 1998; Mabokela & Green, 2001; Wright et al, 2006; Lloyd-Jones, 2009; Cook, 2012; Holder et al; 2015). This study, however, chose to address this gap in the literature by investigating how this population managed workplace microaggressions through critical race feminism (CRF) and transformational resistance (TR) strategies. It also questioned whether or not these strategies, when used in the workplace, resulted in their continued survival in the field. CRF, which promotes the representation of intersectional, feminist identities that have largely been silenced in the larger feminist movement, was used to describe the absence of Black women from the history of western institutions, the racist and sexist stereotypes of Black women in American society and how these stereotypes manifested into microaggressions in the workplace (Wing, 2003). TR, in which the oppressive conditions and structures of control is critiqued through a social justice lens, was used to investigate the psychological, physiological and emotional toll microaggressions have on Black women in the workplace, their perceptions of themselves and their capabilities and their overall mental health while dealing with these experiences (Solorzano & Delgado, 2001). In this study, the negative aspects of the CRF (i.e., stereotyping, invisibility and silencing) and TR (i.e., physical suffering, psychological battle fatigue and suffering) worked in conjunction with one another to confine this population to a certain state of being whereby if they were too visible or had too much self-efficacy (the positive aspects of these frameworks), their careers and reputations would be in danger. The results of this study determined that these women do work within the confines of the aforementioned ‘rock and a hard place’ but also find subtle ways to speak up for and protect themselves in the process. PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 137 Honoring the need for Black women, an often silenced and ignored population according to CRF and TR theories, narrative analysis was determined to the most effective qualitative research methodology that empowers its participants to address and examine the “gender inequalities, racial oppression, and other practices of power that may be taken for granted by the individual speaker” (Mischler, 1986; Reissman, 1993, p. 5). Because we know that behaviors of individuals in a given setting are based on their interactions with their environment (Lewin, 1935), the setting for this study was a large, private university founded in Southern California in the late 19th century. The fifteen Black women that participated in this study were found by using a purposeful and convenient sampling of the respondents who completed the demographic questionnaire. Each participant self-identified as a Black woman, held a position in higher ed administration and committed to being interviewed for one hour. All interviews were conducted via Zoom classroom at the location and time of their choice; which allowed participants to be transparent about their experiences with microaggressions in the workplace without fear of their colleagues overhearing. Each interview was then coded with an in vivo term or a term that is based on the actual language used by the participant. The following findings, with respect to each research question, were as follows: Synopsis of Findings Identity expression. Black women in administration at a historically White institution in Southern California navigate the assumptions and expectations regarding their identity by utilizing unique skill sets and prior conditioning that, when used appropriately, also inform their identity expression in the workplace. It was discovered that all of the Black women in this study knew that racism and systemic oppression existed in their lives and workplaces. They were tactful in determining which colleagues perpetuate negative stereotypes about them and PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 138 determining when and how they would respond to said colleagues. They admitted they had a hyper-awareness about how they are viewed in the workplace and how Black women are viewed in American society. This particular skill set presented itself in various ways in the workplace but was specifically addressed when there were instances in which these women were faced with double standards. Lastly, all the participants in this study shared instances of triple-checking their work and completing tasks faster than their colleagues which was coded as expertise and efficiency. Expertise and efficiency were found to work in conjunction with hyperawareness in that the participants reported that they felt overly scrutinized when they made a mistake in the workplace or said no to taking on additional projects. These women were conditioned to know that racism and sexism would be part of their experience in the workplace, that tact would be needed to succeed, that they would need to be hyper aware of their presentation and that they must execute their roles with efficiency and expertise. Beyond conditioning their minds as a defense mechanism to racist and sexist interactions in the workplace, these women also understood that their gender performance, body shapes and choice of accessory would also be politically critiqued, compared and contrasted to White culture. To address this, the participants discussed several ways in which they altered their appearance to appease their colleagues and supervisors. This included, but was not limited to, wearing loose-fitting clothes, wearing their hair straight or sticking to just one hairstyle and code switching. This realization coincides with the literature on Black women and their identity expression in the workplace in that they do create a state of being that is manufactured by mainstream respectability politics. The idea that Black women cannot be their whole, true selves in the workplace is consistent with the literature in chapter two that states Black women’s PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 139 identity is created through an outside lens or their internalization of the perceptions of others (Patton et al., 2016). Moreover, consistently attempting to appease these outside spectators does create inferiority complexes and imposter syndrome for some Black women who have been exposed to a barrage of negative stereotypes about Black women. As stated in the literature review and evident in several of the comments made by the women in this study, metastereotyping becomes a direct response to the dichotomy between the public and personal identities of these women. Metastereotyping is the manifestation of perceived discrimination, is the direct result of being aware that negative stereotypes about one's identity exist, and it has visceral physical, psychological, and emotional effects on Black women, in particular (Jerald et al., 2017). Microaggressive experiences. Black women in administration at a historically White institution in Southern California did experience a plethora of microaggressions in the workplace and they navigated these experiences by doing a cost/value analysis on if a response was necessary. If they deemed the microaggression worth a response based on the feelings it produced and the perpetrator’s receptiveness to it, they enacted a technique called tempered herstriology to translate their response in a professional manner before speaking up. Three forms of microaggressions were identified as most prevalent among the participants: policing their work or their bodies, making assumptions about their intelligence, demeanor, age, or contribution in the workplace and being dismissed or silenced. More than half of the fifteen participants shared examples of either being perceived as ‘too much’ in one way or another based on their identities which resulted in a constant state of policing by their colleagues or their superiors. Some participants reported being told to cover up certain parts of their bodies while in the office and others reported having their work being questioned and reviewed on a PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 140 consistent basis. Research suggests that this policing of Black women’s bodies in the workplace was not a new phenomenon but rather a misrecognition in that the dominant culture, ‘whether out of malice or out of ignorance, fail to extend the respect or esteem that is due to individuals in virtue of who they are (Markell, 2003). Additionally, the participants reported addressing the stereotypical assumptions made by colleagues in their departments and their discomfort with doing so. Several of the women in this study believed that they needed to constantly prove they were intelligent enough to be in their role or mature enough to navigate their department regardless of their age. Many of them felt a sense of always needing to be overly prepared before meetings because these get-togethers were ripe for microaggression based on stereotypical assumptions. Lastly, the participants shared their experiences with being silenced or dismissed in the workplace. Several women provided specific instances when they were asked for ideas or opinions only to have their suggestions tabled or ignored. One participant spoke of being removed from meetings she had previously been invited to because she spoke too honestly when asked her opinion. All of the aforementioned microaggressions left these women to make a critical choice moving forward; to respond or not to respond. Three types of responses to these forms of microaggressions were identified, whereby many of the participants reported that they did a cost/value analysis before deciding whether or not to respond. This analysis was reported to be a series of questions the participant asked themselves before deciding to respond. Questions like ‘did they really just say that’, ‘is this person worth a response’, ‘was it something I said to provoke this microaggression’ and ‘am I just being too emotional’ were just a few examples of the questions the women reported to have asked themselves. Once it was determined that a response was necessary, several participants shared that they utilized a technique in which their knee-jerk responses were tempered and PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 141 finessed based on cautionary tales from other Black women. I define this technique, Tempered Herstriology, as the innate passing down of ethnic, feminine testimonies from one generation of Black women to another as a roadmap of caution (Lightsey, 2020). These testimonies aid these women in withstanding the impact of microaggressions by serving as a filter to their response. Tempered herstriology helps Black women decide the appropriate time to address the concern, how it should be phrased, where the conversation should be had, and whether or not the perpetrator’s actions or behavior result in a permanent strain on their relationship. These techniques (cost/value analysis and tempered herstriology) work in conjunction to produce a response in real-time when faced with a microaggression. Lastly, participants that did speak up in response to the microaggressions did so as a form of defiance and resistance. Beyond policing in the workplace, making assumptions about various qualifications and silencing their voices, microaggressions are essentially a collection of tools used by the White patriarchy to isolate and exclude Black women and other people of color from virtually all aspects of the historically White institution (Allen, 1992). As the literature in chapter two states, these institutions were founded with the purpose of educating White males and the remnants of that colorless past are still evident in the environment today. What the microaggressive experiences shared by the participants in this study have come to reveal is that the belief in meritocracy amongst this population is still present but the overt and covert racism and sexism (read racial and gendered microaggressions) these women face in academia serve as a disruption to their progress. The Ivory Tower uses Black bodies as living and breathing monuments of social stratification through education that attract more Black and Brown students to these institutions. Instead of revering and rewarding these purveyors of progress, the institution relegates them to silence for fear that if they speak on the injustices they experience they will be PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 142 separated from the very people they brought into that world. This treatment is starkly reminiscent of the Black mother’s experience during slavery and the period of indentured servitude that followed soon after (Harris-Perry, 2011; Collins, 1986). The literature states that there is a correlation between the success of Black students in higher education and the representation they perceive in leadership amongst staff and faculty yet the innate and rampant racism of the historically White institution in America interrupts this mutually symbiotic relationship (Allen, 1992). Warranted feelings. Lastly, microaggressions in the workplace were discovered to have an impact on the mental health and self-efficacy of the Black women in this study. Participants stated that they felt overwhelmed, stressed, pressured and frustrated in their workplace environments. These feelings did not solely exist because of any single microaggressive experience. Their perpetual need to self-police and overcompensate for their presumed deficiencies based on the negative stereotypes associated with their identities, also contributed to the feelings listed above. In hopes of not appearing lazy or angry, the participants reported working longer hours than their colleagues, taking on more special assignments, and keeping an ever-present pleasant demeanor in the workplace. All fifteen women expressed feeling overwhelmed, stressed, pressured, and frustrated but remained motivated by their love for helping students, solving problems, and their commitment to being life-long learners. The women also noted that self-care in the form of days off, solitude, physical activity, and therapy were also factors that aided them in sustaining their respective positions. The idea that several of the Black women in this study sought out various forms of therapy and counseling and could readily express their experiences with depression go against the narrative perpetuated by the National Mental Health Association’s (2019) findings that Black PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 143 women were more likely to view depression as a sign of weakness. I posit that their ability to name these feelings, transparently, may have something to do with the fact that they were expressing themselves to another Black woman; someone innately familiar with the compound disadvantages they face in the world and their constant struggle with the mental dichotomies they have within. This understanding is directly in line with Black Feminist Thought (Collins, 1990) and the notion that only Black women can produce work that accurately expresses the standpoints of other Black women in that they are more likely to be transparent with someone they deem worthy of their true selves. Limitations and Recommendations for Future Studies This realization that Black women speaking up for themselves in the workplace can result in retaliation is one topic this study did not address. I recommend this be investigated for future research as it pertains to microaggressions in the workplace because fear of retaliation may also determine if a Black woman feels she has the authority to respond in these instances. As noted in Dorothy, Josephine, Kathleen, and Maya's actions and thoughts post-clapback, all of them left the departments they were in, which could signify they received very little support after escalating their grievances. Investigating whether Black women in higher education administration at an HWI experienced more instances of retaliation than their White counterparts and the effective ways to combat these experiences would be a step closer to ensure equitable treatment in the workplace. Another probing question that was not addressed in this study was the role motherhood plays in the microaggressions Black women experience at work. A longitudinal study that explores how Black women perceive their relationships with colleagues after they become mothers and whether motherhood created a sense of urgency to advance in their careers would be PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 144 beneficial to better understanding the experience of Black women in the workforce. Several of the participants in this study were mothers, and while they mentioned their children in passing, they seemed to compartmentalize the impact motherhood had on the experiences they shared. A study of the nature of Black motherhood and its impact on their careers, income and education levels and self-esteem would be complementary to this study. Implications of Practice Though not intended as a finding of this research, this study inadvertently identifies the elephant in the Ivory Tower. Two human resource transgressions that leadership fails to thoughtfully address, amongst others, is (1) they either expect those employed within their institution to come with ready-made ethics or (2) they expect people of color to teach their White, male and female colleagues how to treat them like human beings. This is evident in the lack of resources universities and institutions put forth to diversity, inclusion and equity training and professional development that benefits both staff and faculty. In order for colleges and universities in the United States to remove the racist and misogynistic barriers currently in place that result in Black women being considered ‘an endangered species’ in senior-level leadership at HWIs, stakeholders in these institutions will need to implement diversity and inclusion measures that-not only impact students and faculty but-staff, as well. One way to make good on this commitment is to use their annual employee reviews as a launching pad for professional development opportunities and not just percentage increases. Holding senior-level leaders accountable for the ethical conduct of their employees, their growth in terms of professional development opportunities, interpersonal dynamics between colleagues, office morale, fair pay based on years of experience and education and overall workplace satisfaction should be a requirement if you are charged with supervising staff. When senior-level leaders are held PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 145 accountable for the accomplishments and transgressions of their respective teams, the staff are indoctrinated into a state of being in which they hold themselves accountable as well. With regards to the second transgression, colleges and universities need to provide a yearly training course that all staff, faculty, and students must complete that provides insight into key concepts such as power, privilege, tolerance, microaggressions, racism, sexism and harassment. While some institutions have alcohol abuse and Title IX online courses in place for new students, completion of these courses is often not required annually in order to enroll, nor are they required for staff and faculty. Making these trainings mandatory for all staff, faculty and students on a yearly basis would move institutions one step closer in holding all populations accountable for their behaviors in the classroom and the workplace that result in some populations, such as Black women, feeling less included on campus. Thirdly, to address the lack of Black women in senior-level positions by providing on and off-campus professional development initiatives exclusively for women of color in higher ed administration. These initiatives could start with forming coalitions of Black, Latina and Asian staff members to serve as mentors for young professionals starting their careers at the institution. Providing one another with safe spaces to speak openly about their experiences and to band together to critique administrators on their unique experiences and perspectives in the workplace would increase employee morale and overall satisfaction of staff. Opportunities to join higher education administration organizations with annual conferences should also be available to women of color free of cost and without proposal. Departments should be required to have a line item in their annual budget requests for these types of opportunities. Additionally, institutions must ensure that their human resources departments and senior- level leaders are taking complaints from women of color in the workplace seriously and PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 146 conducting thorough investigations on all matters reported. As several of the participants in this study mentioned, speaking up for oneself is a risk that can result in workplace bullying, retaliation and termination. To have Black women express their concerns with the racist and sexist acts of their colleagues only to not result in an investigation, a hearing or a mediated outcome in which both parties agree on the next steps is demoralizing and unjust. This lack of accountability in higher education administration can, and often does, result in a cult of secrecy and silence that can tarnish the reputation of the institution and lead to irreparable discord between administration and staff. Last but not least, auditing the demographics of employees in administration at their institutions should be a requirement of annual reporting. Just as colleges share the demographic breakdown of their newly admitted students and tenured-faculty on an annual basis, they should also take into account the demographics of their staff members as it would illustrate the institution's commitment to diversity, equity, and inclusion (DEI) in all areas of the university. Being transparent about the races, ethnicities, genders, education levels and salaries of the staff population on campus would ultimately result in the institution acknowledging human resource pitfalls that could use more attention; for instance, the recruitment and retention of staff of color for leadership positions. Foundationally, before a higher level of transparency, accountability and commitment to diversity, equity, and inclusion can result in positive changes at HWIs, these institutions must fundamentally acknowledge that it is not the job of their employees of color to teach their colleagues how to treat them with respect. While the nature of this study provides insight into how Black women respond to microaggressions with a clapback to protect themselves from the mental and physical harm these experiences cause, the institutions must structurally create safe PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 147 spaces for these women so that this response is not necessary. Instead of Black women compromising on their identities to make others feel more comfortable, institutions need to do the work of making their institutions more tolerant and it starts with taking accountability for the ways in which those in leadership have benefited from this specific type of oppression. Until these implications are addressed, HWIs cannot move in the right direction towards truly diversifying campus populations from the top down. Like Dust, We Will Rise While expectations are changing in ways that lend to coloring the halls, the Ivory Tower remains just that, a White space where leadership is White and male, and the support staff is replete with the bodies of people of color. Society can no longer thrive off of renovations being made to an antiquated and colorless educational system. Now, more than ever before, postsecondary institutions need to knock down the Ivory Tower and repurpose some of the materials to build a new structure that is inclusive and equitable for students, faculty, and staff. Given the increased complexity of global politics, growing demographic possibilities for students, technological advances in and out of the classroom, and the current global economic and health-related crises, universities are struggling to evolve or die (McKimm & O'Sullivan, 2012). For higher education to remain relevant in American society, 'new forms of leadership and new leaders will be needed to both navigate these turbulent times and usher in the supremely complex 21st-century student' (Hannum, Muhly, Schockley-Zalaback, & White, 2015, p. 65). This new structure of higher education in American society must make a genuine effort to eliminate the inequities of one of the nation's most historically disenfranchised populations in all aspects of academia, the Black woman. These mentally strong and supremely capable women bring unique perspectives that their White, male counterparts in leadership cannot. PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 148 Coincidentally, their innate sense of 'community and social accountability' are the very qualities that universities will need in order to evolve (McKimm & O'Sullivan, 2012, p. 485) If we, as Black women, are to be considered based on our' ability to transform under difficult circumstances and leverage them to our advantage', we should make our intentions known and settle for nothing short of the utmost respect, genuine autonomy and equitable pay by any means necessary (Dowdy & Hamilton, 2011). The American Association of University Women reported that women hold almost two-thirds of the nation's student-loan debt, nearly $900 billion of the $1.4 trillion total, with Black women holding the highest average debt of any racial, ethnic, and gender group among graduates who completed bachelor's degrees (Piper, 2018). Black women in America are essentially borrowing hope on credit then being made to default on rates because they are not earning enough to pay the loans back promptly. If these women happen to be mothers, the circumstances are worse due to the 'mommy tax.' The mommy tax is the misconception of the effect parenthood has on performance or employee value (Crittenden, 2002). For example, men with children can use their need to provide for their families as a negotiating tool for higher salaries. Women, on the other hand, are perceived to require less money because they will probably require more time off. This antiquated notion of the nuclear family in the US fails to acknowledge that, in the US, women are the breadwinners for half of the families with children under 18. 81% of Black mothers are the breadwinners, yet they are paid 69 cents to every father's dollar. While experts say the gender pay gap will close by 2059, the most immediate beneficiaries will be White and Asian women, who earn 79 cents and 87 cents to every White man's dollar, respectively (Whaley, 2018). Black women, in all fields, will not see equal pay until 2124, ("OVERVIEW 2020 — Equal Pay Today!", 2020). Acknowledging that 155 years have passed since the abolishment of slavery and PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 149 the unfulfilled promise of reparations, Black women will have waited a total of 259 years for equal rights in the United States. Pierce (1974) envisioned a future for the Black community that did not compromise in their negotiations for equitable treatment in all areas of American society. He wrote, Such Blacks may understand complex interlocking systems and make group plans while exemplifying deliberate individual behavior, which is regarded as essential in eliminating microaggressions by Whites. These Blacks will not resort to laughter, jocularity, and cheerfulness when confronting Whites in serious negotiations. Such Blacks will be a force to aid the entire Black community to enhance its esteem (p. 522-533). This, like everything else it seems, falls on the backs of Black women. Now is the time for Black women to strike the allegorical match and activate their own flaming revolution, one in which a quality education, financial independence, and positive representation in America is the primary focus. Our community and our nation depend on it. In the words of the noble Black novelist Octavia Butler (1998), 'in order to rise from its own ashes, a phoenix first must burn’...and we, sisters, have burned long enough. PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 150 Epilogue Hey Sis, Wherever you are…whenever you are…we hope you’re doing well and taking the best care of yourself. We also hope that you found what you were looking for in this dissertation. Surely you experienced some phenomenon as a Black woman working in any field to have found yourself here with our voices scribed in time. Whatever the case, we’re glad you’re here and we wish to leave you with some much needed advice in your time of need. Working in the field of higher education can be a beautiful and rewarding experience but there are going to be people that try to steal your joy and your sunshine. There are people that are going to be afraid of you; afraid of your intelligence, afraid of your capabilities and very afraid of your voice. They are going to make you doubt yourself. Unfortunately, these experiences are perfectly natural and normal. Many of these people have framed their mind around the fact that you are the problem because you ‘bother’ them in some way that they can’t quite put their finger on. It’s their way of rationalizing their 21st century racism. You will always be too much of something. Too outspoken. Too abrasive. Too emotional. Too strong-willed. Too spirited. Too meticulous. Too defensive. Too…extra. To face the ‘too damn much’ army, we encourage you to find a squad like the one we formed after pouring our hearts into this dissertation. Find people who believe in you. Find “ride or die”, “no matter the situation” people, who are going to be there to support you because there's going to be plenty of people along the way who will not. People will judge you. They will think to themselves, ‘how does she have all that charisma’. ‘How does she know so many people’ and ‘how is she genuinely liked by everyone including the people that nobody likes’. It's because we are true to ourselves and authentic with others. It’s because we learned from birth how to PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 151 navigate the hard times and the colorless spaces that produce them. It’s because it is inherently in our DNA, this ‘magic’ we have. It’s just who we are. The goal of our love letter to you is to teach you “the game” that we had to learn the hard way. The idea that you just work hard and everything's going to work out and you will be rewarded based on your work ethic, that's just not true for us...not yet. The faster you recognize that, the, the farther you’ll get in your profession. So commit this letter to memory for we have placed all of our “shoulda’, coulda’ woulda’s” in one place in the hopes that you move seamlessly, yet cautiously, through your career in higher education. Take what resonates… ● Understand that as Black women, we are good at absolutely everything. No. We take that back. We are freaking unicorns and glitter! Inherently and unapologetically dope! We are magical beings who rarely fail. While all of this is true, it in no way means that we do not need self-care. It’s because we rarely fail that we need self-care the most. Don’t apologize for needing it, don’t allow others to question it and don’t give yourself an IOU. Practice some form of self-care every, single, day. ● Always be yourself. Though your ability to code switch is a gift that is often used as a defense mechanism; think of it as being necessary until you feel comfortable enough to trust people with the real you. Don’t think it’s necessary to appease others; you determine who's worthy of meeting the real you. ● Make time for professional development. Whether it’s attending various conferences per year, taking on special assignments or going back to school; build your brand by building your knowledge base and… PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 152 ● By making connections at your institution and outside of it. No position is too niche or too high-level to form a connection. The same people you meet going up, will help ensure you stay up. ● Leave your imposter syndrome at the door when you walk into your building every morning. You are worthy. You have value. You are excellent at what you do and there is NO ONE that compares to you. So speak up, share your well-thought ideas and claim your space. There are ideas, there are skills that you bring to the table that would be missing if you weren't there. No matter what your position is, understand that you add so much value to whatever the topic is or whatever the subject is, because we come from a lens that is so unique and so different from other people. ● When you reach the point where you’re presenting an idea or a project to your supervisor and colleagues, make sure you know it inside and out. You will be asked a million and one questions. It’s best to think about your idea from all vantage points to determine the kinds of questions you may receive. Think about the impact your idea may have on frontline staff and students, and then all the way up to your Dean or director. ● Don’t be discouraged if people don’t look like you. Allyship is important and there are people in positions of power that want your voice to be heard and to help you. Build authentic relationships with other administrators, faculty members and students who are outside of your race or ethnic background. ● On the flipside of the aforementioned, NEVER forget about your people. Connecting with your community is how you weather the storm or find out about it beforehand. With that being said, understand that all skin folk ain’t kinfolk. Observe any and all colleagues you come in contact with before making alliances. PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 153 ● In your current job, find a mentor-actually, we like the term ‘sponsor’ because we tend to outpace our mentors- who is currently in the role of your next position…and so on and so forth. Shadow them. Ask them to share their accomplishments, their failures, their desires and their fears. Get to know the role to truly determine if that’s what’s logically the next step for you. When you find yourself in that role…repeat the process by paying it forward. Be that person for another sister but don’t wait for them to ask. Offer. ● Don’t subscribe to the “never outshine the master” talk. Do not dim your light to make other people feel comfortable. We encourage all Black women that are going into student affairs or any profession, really ... If you know that you're dope and your work speaks for itself, don't ever feel like you have to dim your light for someone else to be comfortable. A great supervisor, manager or director will be proud to have someone like you on their team. ● Do not allow yourself to remain in a situation or position that you believe is taking advantage of you. Whether financially or emotionally; express your concerns to your supervisor and, if necessary, human resources. Work with them to get what you deem equitable. If it can’t be done, bide your time while looking for something else. We don’t believe in waiting to be given an opportunity. ● Cover yourself by putting any and all grievances in some written form that can be easily referenced. At this point in time, e-mail works best. Make sure you answer the who, what, when, where and how in a way that captures the whole experience. Some colleagues or supervisors may give you a call or respond with an in-person meeting as a way to circumvent your grievance. In these cases, we recommend you send a follow up email detailing that conversation or meeting. PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 154 ● Stand up for what you believe; whether it be in regards to your work or the best interest of your students. This is easier said than done but remember, this tip is coming from women who’ve done it. None of us have regrets about it and neither should you. ● Research what other institutions have done or other systems or other programs to bring it to light or maybe that's something that can be tried. Don’t get discouraged if you bring it up and no one is receptive to it. Either find another ear or just know that that's not the opportunity for your idea to be elevated. But don't be dissuaded about using your voice if you find something that is worth it. ● With that being said, pick your battles. Understand what’s worth the fight and what isn’t. We say this because people will either consciously or subconsciously bring many fights to your office door. Don’t be quick to take the bait. Sit on it, investigate it and go with your gut. Ancestrally, our gut never steers us wrong. If something feels immoral or unjust, it most likely is. ● Lastly, passion for people and personal growth is necessary in this work we do…Just like parenting, education is a thankless field. You must always remember the reason why your passion lies here. Let that passion drive you and not someone else’s validation. You are an invaluable asset to your students and your institution. Never stop being so and never forget that. Much strength, many blessings and the most love, Your Sisters in Higher Education PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 155 REFERENCES Agar, M. (1980). Getting better quality stuff: methodological competition in an interdisciplinary niche. Urban Life, 9(1), 34-50. Allan-Brown, V. (1998). African American women faculty and administrators: Surviving the multiple barriers of discrimination. In The multicultural campus: Strategies for transforming higher education, eds. L. A. Valverde and L. A. 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I’m Exhausted From Trying To Be The “Right” Kind Of Black Girl At Work Smith, W. & Yosso, T. & Solorzano, D. (2006). Challenging Racial Battle Fatigue on Historically White Campuses: A Critical Race Examination of Race-related Stress.. Solórzano, D. G., & Delgado Bernal, D. (2001). Examining transformational resistance through a critical race and Latcrit theory framework: Chicana and Chicano students in an urban context. Urban Education, 36(3), 308–342. Solorzano, D. G., & Yosso, T. J. (2002). Critical Race Methodology: Counter-Story Telling as an Analytical Framework for Education. Qualitative Inquiry, 8(1), 23-44. Staples, R. (1970). The myth of the Black matriarchy, The Black Scholar, 1:3-4, 8-16, DOI: 10.1080/00064246.1970.11430667. Strayhorn, T. (2011). Bridging the Pipeline: Increasing Underrepresented Students' Preparation for College Through a Summer Bridge Program. American Behavioral Scientist , 55. Steele, C. M., & Aronson, J. (1995). 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PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 166 APPENDICES Appendix A: Interview Protocol Appendix B: Interview Questions Appendix C: Demographic Questionnaire Appendix D: Codebook PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 167 APPENDIX A Interview Protocol Hello, (insert participant’s name here)! I am extremely grateful to you for being a participant in my study. I appreciate, and am really excited about, the insight you will provide on this very important topic. Overview of the interview: Today’s interview should take us no more than one hour to complete and will consist of approximately 21 questions. It is my hope that us meeting over lunch at my home will reduce the opportunity for interruptions or others hearing our conversation. Consent to record: Before we get started, I want to vocalize the importance of capturing all the details you have been gracious enough to provide during this interview for the authenticity of the research. I expect our conversation to be rich and dynamic and I do not want to take away from that experience by taking notes throughout our chat. I am requesting your permission to record today’s conversation so that I can transcribe it later for the study. I will delete the file after the recording has been transcribed. Are you okay with this? Confidentiality agreement: Thank you for consenting to be recorded. While I do plan to publish the findings of this study, I do want you to know that all of your identifiable information from our conversation will be redacted in the study. This includes information like your name, your department and your institution. The confidentiality agreement I had you sign when you agreed to participate in the study further emphasizes that your information is safe with me and will not be shared. Clarity and control of responses: PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 168 Lastly, if at any time during the interview you do not understand a question I have posed or need further clarification, please do not hesitate to let me know. As I stated previously, it is my hope that our conversation today is dynamic and I am open to expounding upon, rephrasing or defining a question or term if it will help you to answer it honestly. If you are not comfortable answering a question or would prefer not to provide a response, you also have that right. Are you ready to begin? Post-Interview Closing Statement: That concludes the formal interview for this study (insert name here). I want to take this time to thank you again for your time and transparency this afternoon. Do you have any questions, concerns or comments you’d like to discuss at this time? As I stated previously, I will be sure to share the findings of my study with you prior to the publishing of my study. I also wanted to ask that you do not hesitate to let me know if you would like to recommend any other Black female administrators in higher ed to participate in this study. I am open to suggestions and recommendations though I would prefer you do not share the questions we discussed with these individuals in advance. PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 169 APPENDIX B Interview Questions Workplace Setting: This set of questions is designed to better understand your current work environment and relationships with your colleagues. 1. What is the racial and ethnic makeup of the employees within your department? 2. How does the reporting structure (chain of command) work in your department and where are you in that organizational chart? 3. Are there any departments (outside of yours) that you also work closely with? If so, how often do you work with these employees? Interactions with your department (and others, if applicable): The third set of questions is designed to understand how you experience working with your colleagues in your department (and others, if applicable) and the feelings and thoughts that transpire for you during these interactions. 1. Do you have direct access to working closely with other Black female administrators in your department (or others). If so, can you describe that relationship? If not, can you provide further insight on whether or not that experience would be of value to you and why? 2. How would you describe your relationships with your superiors? 3. How many of your superiors would you consider to be people of color and does their race/ethnic background make you more or less comfortable interacting with them? Please explain in detail. PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 170 Check in on the participant and inquire about whether they would like to take a 5-10 minute break before we continue with the interview. Microaggressions: The fourth set of questions are designed to determine if microaggressions have taken place in your current or previous work environments. 1. In the (insert number of years the participant stated they have worked in the higher ed field here) years in which you have been an administrator in higher ed, do you recall experiencing any instances of microaggressions in the workplace? If so, what were they and how did you respond to them? 2. Were any of the experiences you mentioned inflicted upon you by your superiors? 3. How did experiencing these microaggressions make you feel? Did they change your perception of your colleagues and/or yourself? Reaction to microaggressions: This set of questions have been designed to gauge your typical approach to the microaggressions you have experienced and whether or not you were satisfied with your reactions to them. 1. Can you describe a time in which you altered your appearance, speech or opinion to assimilate with others in your workplace? 2. In meetings with superiors, can you describe your thought process before speaking to the group? a. Where did you learn how to do that? 3. Can you describe your thought process when you experience a microaggression in the workplace and how you decide how, if at all, you will respond to it? PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 171 Mental health and self-efficacy: This final set of questions have been designed to better understand how you preserve your mental health and your own perception of your worth based on the previous responses to microaggressions. 1. Would you say you actively practice self-care? 2. If so, what kinds of activities or rituals do you utilize when you practice self-care? If not, why not? 3. In your own experience, how do you determine when self-care is needed? 4. Have you ever taken a mental health day or needed to take leave for your own mental clarity? 5. Can you recall a time when you did not practice self-care and the impact it had on your work and personal life? 6. If so, do you mind providing insight into what led up to that request and the aftermath? 7. What motivates you to persist in your profession? 8. What advice do you have for the Black women coming up in the field? PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 172 APPENDIX C Demographic Questionnaire "In order to rise from its own ashes, A Phoenix First Must Burn." -Octavia Butler, Parable of the Talents, (1998). Thank you for your interest in participating in this study. We are interested in understanding how, if at all, Black women in administration at historically White institutions compromise on their identities and combat microaggressions in the workplace. In order to participate you will need to complete the demographics survey and consent form that follows. It consists of 34 questions that are related to your personal background (i.e., education level, years of experience in higher education, etc). Please be assured that your responses will be kept completely confidential. This demographic survey and consent form should take you around ten minutes to complete, and if you meet the criteria for this study, you will receive a confirmation email that solidifies the date, time and other pertinent logistical information for the next phase of this study; the hour long recorded interview . Following the completion of the interview, you will receive a $20 gift card to Starbucks as a token of my appreciation for your participation. Please note: your participation in this research is voluntary. You have the right to withdraw at any point during the study, for any reason, and without any prejudice. If you would like to contact the Principal Investigator in the study to discuss this research, please e-mail LIGHTSEY@USC.EDU. By clicking the submit button after completing the survey, you acknowledge that your participation in the study is voluntary, you are at least 18 years of age, and that you are aware that you may choose to terminate your participation in the study at any time and for any reason. Please note that this survey will be best displayed on a laptop or desktop computer. Some features may be less compatible for use on a mobile device. Again, thank you for your interest and your time. 1. First and Last Name: PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 173 2. Ethnicity (Must self-identify as Black to participate): 3. Gender (Must self-identify as female to participate): 4. Race: 5. Age: 6. Relationship status: a. Single b. Partnered c. Married d. Separated e. Divorced f. Widowed 7. Children (Yes or No): a. If yes, how many? 8. Are you a first-generation college graduate: 9. What is your highest degree earned: 10. Are you currently enrolled as a student? a. If yes, full or part-time? b. If yes, degree and program of study? 11. How many years of full-time, relevant experience do you have in the field of education? 12. What is your current title? 13. Within what division or department are you currently employed? 14. How long have you been in your current position? 15. How long have you been employed at your current institution? PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 174 16. Can you provide insight on your institution’s profile: a. Population of students, staff and faculty combined: b. Type of institution (select all that apply) i. Public ii. Private iii. Faith-based iv. 4-year v. Research-based 17. What are your top five primary area(s) of responsibility within your role? a. ___________________________ b. ___________________________ c. ___________________________ d. ___________________________ e. ___________________________ 18. How many direct reports do you supervise? a. How many of them are full-time, salaried employees? b. How many of them are part-time, hourly employees? PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 175 APPENDIX D A Phoenix First Must Burn Codebook A Priori Code Child Code Code Definition Microaggressions Assumptions MASST Making stereotypical assumptions about a Black woman based on their looks, their age, their perceived intelligence, their speech or their capabilities; ageism and tokenization are some examples of this microaggression. Policing MPOLI Making stereotypical assumptions about a Black woman based on their looks, their age, their perceived intelligence, their speech or their capabilities; ageism and tokenization are some examples of this microaggression. Hypervisibility MHYPE Being held to a high regard in which you are tokenized as a spokesperson for your race and also expected to perform at high standards. Invisible MINVI Being passed up for promotions and opportunities for advancement in the workplace; ignored and silenced are other examples of this microaggression. Tokenizing MTOKE Being forced to be the spokesperson for your community (race, gender, etc) simply because you are the only one employed that is part of that community. Dismissing MDISMI Intentionally ignoring the individual and/or their viewpoints; Ignoring their concern for the microaggression they've experienced or being told either through conversation or body language that you and/or PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 176 your opinion is not welcome in a certain space. Barriers MBARR Being blocked from certain conversations, committees, opportunities within the workplace. Responses to Microaggressions Defiance/Resistance & Speaking Up RDEF Making a conscious effort to act, speak or dress in a way that goes against the dominant culture within the environment; to self- advocate. Tempered Herstriology RTEMPHER The understanding that Black women are raised with a unique set of principles regarding the racial and ethnic experiences of other Black women as a roadmap of caution. It is passed down from generation to generation and rooted in their mind as an innate skill. Questioning RQUE Asking the individual who committed the microaggression for clarification on what they meant by the stereotypical assumption that was made. Saying Nothing RNOT Participants chose not to respond to the microaggression at all. Self-Policing & Denial RDENI Asking oneself if a microaggression transpired or denying that it happened altogether. Cost/Value Analysis RCOVAA Participants do the math on whether addressing the microaggression is worth the time or the battle fatigue before deciding to respond or not. Feelings Overwhelmed FOVER Feeling burnt out, overworked and spread incredibly thin. PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 177 Pressure FPRES Feeling as though you are held to a high standard in the workplace and you cannot make a mistake or ask for help or understanding. Stress/Anxiety FSTRE Feeling on edge and constantly worrying about one's perception or work ethic being questioned or under scrutiny in the workplace. Frustration FFRUS Feeling unable to change the circumstances within the environment in which they work, or society as a whole. Desires Connecting DCONN Interest in building relationships with other women of color. Community DCOMM Opportunity to maintain relationships with other women of color with regards to mentorship, support groups and professional development. Skill Sets & Conditioning Efficiency/Expertise SKEFFEX A Black woman's ability to use her time and the time of her colleagues wisely in order to get the job done quickly and correctly. It also refers to her triple checking her facts to ensure that she has not done anything incorrectly. Tact SKTACT The ability to move through situations in the workplace with an understanding of people and how they need to be 'handled'; political astuteness. Knowing SKKNOW An understanding that racism and sexism does exist in the workplace and can result in microaggressions. Hyperawareness SKHYPE Always aware of one's own actions, language, mannerisms, work while at the same time PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 178 being aware of how others perceive their actions, language, mannerisms. Identity Hair IHAIR The hairstyles or thought process on appropriate hairstyles that Black women wear in the workplace. Clothing ICLOT The thought process regarding what Black women find appropriate in terms of workplace attire. Self-Care Solitude SCSOLI Any activity in which a Black woman does alone (i.e., pray, reading, walking, meditating, etc.) Physical Activity SCPHYS Any activity that is done as a means of exercising (i.e., working out, running, boxing, yoga, etc.) Therapy SCTHER Speaking with a licensed professional for mental health (i.e., therapist, psychologist, psychiatrist) Time Off SCTIME Taking time off from the workplace for mental clarity (i.e., sick/vacation days, work from home, leave of absence, etc.) Motivation Helping Students MHS The interest in rooted in working to remove barriers from Black and Brown students on college campuses thereby providing them with a smoother indoctrination to college life and eventual matriculation. Self-Improvement MSI The interest is rooted in wanting to be their best selves, continue learning as an educator, make money to take care of their families, etc. PROFESSIONALLY CLAPPING BACK 179 Solving Problems MSP The interest is rooted in their love of problem solving and commitment to making the university a better place for all.

Abstract (if available)

Abstract This study addresses the problem of Black women in higher ed administration at historically White institutions being subjected to racism and sexism in the workplace. Narrating their interactions with their microaggressive White colleagues, Black women explain their reactionary principle for clapping back and the impact it can have on their mental health, self-efficacy and pursuit for leadership positions. Research posits that ‘isolation, loneliness and lack of trust compound the effects of racism and sexism in academia’ and result in significant barriers to the Black woman's full participation in senior leadership (Cook, 2012). This problem is important to address because while students of color are seeking higher education at higher rates than ever before, the leadership on college campuses in the United States remain stagnant and homogeneously White. We know this is a problem because in 2016, women of color represented just 5 percent of U.S. college and university presidents in comparison to men of color who represent 12 percent (Gagliardi et al. 2017). Black women in administration with terminal degrees were also less likely to report that they were a senior-level administrator in comparison to their Black male, White female and White male counterparts with the same degree level. This research study seeks to determine how Black women working in higher education experience and manage workplace microaggressions through transformational resistance strategies for survival in the field. Through interviews with fifteen Black women, a mutually transparent conversation emerges between the participants and the researcher that captures the damage of these experiences in their truest and most unfiltered forms.

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Creator Lightsey, Dominique Kendra (author)

Core Title A phoenix first must burn; how Black women in higher education administration at a private, historically White institution in Southern California implement the reactionary principle of profession...

School Rossier School of Education

Degree Doctor of Education

Degree Program Education (Leadership)

Publication Date 07/06/2020

Defense Date 05/18/2020

Publisher University of Southern California (original), University of Southern California. Libraries (digital)

Tag Black women in administration,clapback,higher education administration,historically white institutions,meritocracy,microaggression,OAI-PMH Harvest,Oppression,Power,Racism,senior-level leadership,sexism

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Advisor Hinga, Briana (committee chair), Davis, Shardé (committee member), Grant, Derisa (committee member)

Creator Email dlightseyjoseph@gmail.com,lightsey@usc.edu

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