University of Southern California Dissertations and Theses

Preconceptions and the crossing of religious, cultural and social boundaries

(USC Thesis Other)

Preconceptions and the crossing of religious, cultural and social boundaries

PDF

Download a page range

Download transcript

Copy asset link

Request this asset

Transcript (if available)

Content PRECONCEPTIONS AND THE CROSSING OF RELIGIOUS, CULTURAL AND SOCIAL BOUNDARIES by Alexis Paula Alagem A Thesis Presented to the FACULTY OF THE USC GRADUATE SCHOOL UNIVERSITY OF SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA In Partial Fulfillment of the Requirements for the Degree MASTER OF ARTS (PRINT JOURNALISM) December 2011 Copyright 2011 Alexis Paula Alagem TABLE OF CONTENTS Abstract iii Chapter One: Sarah 1 Chapter Two: Amrita 4 Chapter Three: Anthony 5 Chapter Four: Sarah 7 Chapter Five: Amrita 9 Chapter Six: Anthony 11 Chapter Seven: Sarah 12 Chapter Eight: Amrita 14 Chapter Nine: Anthony 16 Chapter Ten: Epilogue 18 References 19 ii ABSTRACT An intimate look at three couples struggling in their personal relationships because of religious, cultural and social preconceptions. One couple is of mixed religion – Jewish and Catholic, one is struggling with the thought of divorce within a traditional Indian culture, and the third is a homosexual man who is struggling with telling his mother he is gay. All stories take you into the lives of these people and the issues they face despite the fact that they live in today’s modern society. iii CHAPTER ONE: SARAH In a cozy duplex in Hancock Park, in a room with cider colored walls and a high, peaked ceiling, a young woman sits with her jean-clad legs tucked comfortably beneath her on a brown suede couch. She idly picks at the threads surrounding the growing hole in the knee of her jeans, eyes downcast in thought until she remembers something that makes her brown eyes snap open with a glint of humor and a shadow of hurt. “A cup of coffee can lead to marriage. I think I must have heard my mother say these words to me at least a thousand times while I was growing up. Another thing my mother couldn’t help but say to me every single day? You better not date anyone who is not Jewish. Gosh, she wasted a lot of words.” Sarah Connor, nee Cohen, got married two years ago. Most parents would have wept with happiness and pride. For Sarah’s mother, however, the tears were of bitter disappointment, because Sarah broke the family’s most stringent rule: marrying outside of the religion. 4 Although it is 2010, America is the 21 st most literate country in the world, 5 businessman run companies from their Blackberries and same sex couples are slowly becoming allowed to legally marry, there are still some pockets of society and some customs that seem to revert back to centuries before. For some Southern California families, crossing religious lines or defying cultural expectations in a relationship could easily ruin a family and break trust. However, although we now live in a society where dating over the Internet is considered de rigueur and 3.4 out of every thousand people is 4 From an interview with Sarah Connor, 11/5/10 5 Information obtained from the United Nations Development Report, 2009 1 divorced, 6 there are many religious and culturally traditional families that consider dating, or god forbid marriage, outside of the religion to be taboo. And on the opposite spectrum, the thought of divorce in these culturally observant families is something so foreign, so absurd, that the word is barely uttered. When these rules are broken, familial tensions are sure to run high. Sarah grew up in a modern orthodox home. Her mother grew up orthodox, her father grew up conservative and her grandparents were survivors of the Holocaust. “Let me explain ‘modern orthodox,’” Sarah says. “I go to an orthodox synagogue; the same synagogue that my family has been going to for over fifty years. We have been sitting in the same seats for the last fifty years, surrounded by the same people and gossiping about the same things. We go to synagogue twice a year on the high holidays. I grew up with a kosher home, and while most kosher homes have two sets of dishes and silverware, one for meat and one for milk, a modern orthodox home,” meaning an orthodox home that usually bends the rules or religious practice - “usually has three: milk, meat and paper plates,” Sarah giggles. “For Chinese food…and cheeseburgers, and shrimp, and…” Although the religious rules growing up were pretty relaxed, Sarah knew that being Jewish was an important part of her life, and relished in all of the Jewish traditions and holidays with her family, and still does – even though her mother is not currently speaking to her. Information obtained from the Centers for Disease Control website, http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/fastats/divorce.htm 2 Sarah met Josh five years ago at a party. “I am not going to be cliché and say it was love at first sight,” she says. “But, there was a definite spark that I couldn’t ignore, so we started dating…and I didn’t tell my mom until two years later because I knew she wouldn’t approve,” she said with a nonchalant shrug of her narrow shoulders. 7 Marriage and religion, divorce and culture, and familial strain over sexual orientation are all ideas and scenarios that seem so foreign and seemingly antiquated to our modern society. Even just in the realm of entertainment, we watch relationships in movies unfold between people of different religions, we watch people battle over alimony and custody in shows like “Divorce Court,” and we have whole television networks and magazines devoted to the gay population. However, religious, cultural and social restraints are often at the forefront in many families, despite the supposed contemporary way American life is often portrayed. For some, it is easy to be nonchalant and happy for acquaintances who cross religious, cultural and social lines, but when it comes to family, to one’s own child, true feelings most always seem to emerge. And when opinions about personal relationships are revealed, it is hard to predict whether a child will bow down to their parent’s wishes or take a risk. 7 All information from interview with Sarah Connor 3 CHAPTER TWO: AMRITA While some couples fall in love and get married despite their parent’s wishes, there are others, like Amrita and Sahil, who get together, despite their resistance, because it is the wish of their families. However, just because a couple adheres to their parent’s wishes, does not mean that everything will end “happily ever after.” Surrounded by cousins, family friends, her grandmother and mother, Amrita began to prepare for one of the most important days of her life, or so her mother said. 8 A henna tattoo artist carefully painted flowery swirls of a dark rust color to her hands and feet, while someone else brushed and smoothed her layered, shoulder length hair – dark brown and shiny, with strands of auburn discretely woven throughout. “I remember getting my hair done when I got married,” said Manal, Amrita’s mother. “My hair was so long it took three people just to braid it!” Amrita stared into the mirror, perched above the marble vanity in the bathroom of the hotel suite, as she rimmed her eyes with a black Bobbi Brown eye pencil and swept a light bronzer over her high cheekbones. This hotel, the Montage in Laguna Beach, would soon be the site where vows of lifelong love and devotion would be stated, where mounds of food, like chicken tikka and fish vindaloo, (Amrita confided to me that she didn’t even like Indian food) would be consumed, and where two nervous 26 year olds would begin the rest of their lives as a married couple. But for Amrita and Sahil, the nervousness did not just stem from run of the mill pre-wedding jitters, but from the fact that they weren’t even sure they wanted to get married to each other in the first place. 8 According to Amrita Chopra, in an interview 11/15/10 4 CHAPTER THREE: ANTHONY Uncertainty and fear of commitment is most definitely not uncommon in young couples, but for some, giving in to the unsure feelings and ending a relationship before sharing “I do’s” is a life changing moment. “I have always known that I wanted to get married, I guess I just never really knew to whom,” 30- year-old Anthony Folan said quietly as he traced the deep scratches of a tabletop with long, tapered fingers at Kings Road Café in West Hollywood. “Getting cold feet before my wedding was a blessing in disguise.” Five years ago, Anthony sat on the corner of the bed that he shared with his new fiancée, a young law student named Katie. Hunched over, hands caught in his head of shaggy, straw-colored hair, he rubbed his temples as he struggled with bouts depression and anxiety. He had been having these feelings ever since the night he proposed, a month before. Anthony and Katie met through mutual friends at a bar in 2002, and were immediately drawn to one another because of similar traits: they both had huge personalities, biting senses of humor and fiercely loyal relationships with their families. 9 “We made each other laugh right off the get go, and just wanted to continue spending as much time as we could together,” Anthony said around a mouthful of syrup- drenched pancakes. While they started off as simply “great friends,” it seemed logical and natural for their relationship to progress into romance – Anthony’s first serious relationship. “I loved her and she loved me, and it just made sense for us to be 9 From an interview with Anthony Nolan, 12/1/10 5 together…as a couple.” And after two years of dating, the next natural step came: the proposal, over an intimate pasta dinner at home. “Most guys would have been elated to be engaged to their best friend, not to mention a beautiful, smart girl,” Anthony said, dark eyes almost invisible beneath a pair of Ray-Ban sunglasses. “Not me. I was becoming slowly more depressed and at first I thought it was because I was inexperienced in relationships, but I finally figured out that wasn’t the case.” Two months into the engagement, Anthony had the audacious task of telling his fiancée that he had to end things, because he realized he was gay. However, according to Anthony, the struggle to tell Katie was nothing compared to fireworks that were sure to blow when he finally told his parents. “They are from a different generation,” he said, “and although I know it sounds crazy, but they just don’t comprehend the idea of homosexuality. I grew up in a home where there was never discussion about anything not ‘safe’ and easy to talk about.” 6 CHAPTER FOUR: SARAH Sarah Connor got up from the couch, and began to clear the tea service she had brought out earlier. As she came back in the living room, hair in a haphazard knot at the top of her head and eyes slightly glassy, it was clear that talking about the tensions with her mother were bringing on a fresh wave of hurt. “For as long as I can remember, I have always known that I must only date Jewish boys. It was something that was instilled in me probably while I was still in my mother’s womb and a rule that got reinforced as often as possible by my family.” This rule, or mantra, that prohibits dating outside of the religion is not unique to Sarah’s family, however. For Jews, the Jewish religion is a very precarious thing and some say that Judaism is dying. 10 According to survivors of the Holocaust, like Sarah’s grandparents, because of intermarriage and those who have chosen to be unobservant, it seems as though there are fewer and fewer Jews out there. And this is an extremely scary thing. 11 Sarah’s grandmother was the sole survivor of a family of 15, as was her grandfather. Her grandmother, Esther, was 13-years-old when she was ripped away from her family and thrown into Auschwitz. Clothed in a dress of blue with white polka-dots, she spent the next four years of her young life peeling potatoes, getting her head shaved for stealing those same potatoes, shoveling excrement and trying to hold on to the little dignity left in her emaciated, lonely body. She was being punished, as were millions of others, for the one thing that she once revered, being Jewish. 10 From an interview with Holocaust survivors Esther and Henry Spielman 11 From an interview with Sarah Connor 7 When Sarah asked her how she made it, how she was one of the few who survived such a horrendous war, she said, “I just told myself that there was no way that I wasn’t going to survive. I held on to the hope that my mother would be there waiting when we got out…when we were finally free. I had to be strong and hopeful, when there was really nothing but weakness and despair surrounding me.” When she was finally released, she never wore polka dots again. And her mother, nor was any of her family, waiting for her on the other side. 12 “Because of this, and because what it means in my family to be Jewish,” Sarah says, “The thought of even dating out of the religion has been taboo. Until Josh.” When Sarah finally realized that there was no way she was not going to spend the rest of her life with Josh, she decided that it was time she told her parents and took the risk of possibly being ousted from the family. “There are no words to describe how I felt the night I went over to my parents house to tell them that I was planning to marry someone who was not Jewish,” she said. 12 From an interview with Sarah Connor 8 CHAPTER FIVE: AMRITA Piles of gold bangles were shoved up Amrita’s slim arms, as her mother lovingly wound a traditional bright red sari around her daughter’s gym-toned body, giving a nod of approval as the final layer was pinned across one shoulder. 13 “That was the first and last time I ever wore a sari,” Amrita tells me. Amrita and Sahil grew up in the Sherman Oaks area of Los Angeles with very similar upbringings. Both sets of parents were originally from Calcutta, but moved to the United States after they got married, immediately adopting a modern, American way of life, which they then bestowed upon their respective families. “I grew up as American as I’m sure she did,” Amrita quipped, gesturing to the blonde, blue eyed starlet sitting at the table next to ours at Amrita’s favorite haunt, The Little Next Door, in West Hollywood. She fiddled with the stem of the glass that held her frothy pink bellini, before taking a long, slow sip. “As archaic and crazy as it sounds, Sahil and I were the victims of our parent’s matchmaking.” 14 About three years ago Amrita’s parents came to her and said they had the perfect guy to fix her up with, although she was already dating someone else at the time. He was handsome, smart, worked in finance and had a great family, they had said. “Not interested,” Amrita told them firmly. “They kept pestering me, and I later found out Sahil’s parents did the same to him, until we finally relented and met for a drink.” 13 As described to author by Amrita Chopra in interview 14 From an interview with Amrita Chopra 9 Amrita and Sahil got along fine, to the joy of their parents, but immediately established that their relationship was nothing but a friendship. “There was no romantic spark,” Amrita said. “And we were both fine with that.” However, the parents weren’t. “They kept pushing us to get married, said it was our familial duty to obey our parent’s wishes and uphold tradition, blah blah blah,” she said. After a year of friendship, and their parents “annoying pursuit” of pestering them to get married, Amrita and Sahil, once again, relented. “I know this sounds weird, especially coming from someone who is so disengaged from traditional Indian culture,” Amrita said while pushing up the sleeves of her chunky, off-the-shoulder, oatmeal colored sweater, “but after discussing it we both kind of felt some weird sense of obedience. My parents didn’t even know each other for a week before they got married, and they have been together now for 30 years, so I figured that maybe it would work for us too, and that we could grow into love.” A year and a half later, however, romantic love has still not come to Amrita and Sahil, but the idea of something else has: divorce. “My parents and grandparents were both brought together in the same way, and without matchmaking I guess Sahil and I wouldn’t even be here, so I guess I have that to be thankful for,” Amrita says. “But when do you stop having to live up to and replicate your parents experiences and start living your own?” 10 CHAPTER SIX: ANTHONY On a Saturday morning in early 2006, a week after Anthony came out to Katie and she began moving out in search of a new apartment and a therapist, he tried to figure out what he was going to tell his parents, knowing for certain that they wouldn’t be able to quietly just move out of his life as Katie was doing. 15 “It was especially difficult for me,” Anthony said, pushing a wayward strand of hair out of his face, “because I was just only starting to realize who I was sexually myself, and the fact that I know had to try to logically explain it to my slightly elderly parents was kind of nauseating.” So, on that Saturday morning Anthony, an only child, set out for the hour-long drive to his parent’s home in Laguna. Biting already too-short fingernails and wearing a plaid J. Crew shirt his mother had gotten him for his last birthday, he spent the drive alternately breaking out in cold sweats and singing spastically to the radio. 16 “I felt like I was going a bit crazy, and I just needed to get the whole thing over with,” Anthony said about coming out to his family. “I just knew that they wouldn’t be able to comprehend what I was about to tell them.” 15 From an interview with Anthony Nolan 16 As described by Anthony Nolan in an interview with the author 11 CHAPTER SEVEN: SARAH On a balmy summer night almost three years ago, Sarah carefully applied her makeup with a shaky hand, a glass of chardonnay sitting precariously on the edge of her sink. “I needed some liquid courage that night,” she laughed. Dressed, in a light summer dress, she drove into Beverly Hills, to the house that she grew up in, pushed open her parents door. As of yet, this was the last time she entered her childhood home. 17 “They had no idea that I was even dating someone, which is obviously completely my bad for keeping it from them for such a long time.” So, needless to say, the Cohen’s were utterly shocked when their daughter told them that she was getting married, and that her fiancée was catholic. “I just needed to tell them. The secret was like a fire burning in my stomach, and I knew if I didn’t come out with it right away, that night, I would probably never have the courage,” Sarah said. “So, of course my first words were, ‘I think you should probably sit down mom…’” Mrs. Cohen’s eyes doubled in size and froze, as Sarah finally whispered the words “getting married,” and “catholic.” She stared at her daughter in bewilderment for an excruciatingly long minute, seemingly allowing the new shocking information to sink in before granting even the slightest reaction. 18 “At this point it was so silent and I wasn’t sure which way she was going to go,” Sarah said. “I didn’t now if she was going to bound up from the chair and hug me with happiness, or throw me out of the house.” 17 As described by Sarah Connor in an interview with the author 18 As described by Sarah Connor in an interview with the author 12 There were tears, statements of love and devotion, yelling and piercing expressions of disappointment and disapproval, and then finally, “My mom told me that as long as I was marrying outside of the religion, I could start a new family and had no reason to be involved in my old family,” Sarah said with her back to me, facing her small, brick fireplace. “I guess I knew I had to choose a new family or risk losing out on love.” 19 19 From an interview with Sarah Connor 13 CHAPTER EIGHT: AMRITA “There has never been divorce in either of our families,” Amrita says. “I don’t think anyone would even contemplate it.” In Indian culture marriage is thought to be forever. There is only a 1.1 percent divorce rate in India, compared to more than 50 percent in America. 20 T The newfound draw to tradition and culture that drove Amrita and Sahil into marriage also has a hand in keeping them from seriously entertaining the thought of divorce. Even though they live a completely modern, American life, something is holding them back from moving on from one another. 21 “I am just so scared of disappointing my parents, especially my mom,” Amrita says quietly. When asked if she has ever discussed the possibility of separation or divorce with her family, Amrita says, “I honestly don’t even know how I would bring it up. They were so happy when we got married, and I don’t know if they would even understand the idea of ending this.” In Indian culture, even now, couples are more likely to physically separate, possibly move to different countries, than they are to get a legal divorce. 22 “To be fair, maybe my parents wouldn’t care that much if we did end up getting a divorce,” Amrita mused, “but to be the one person, the only person in my family that was divorced would probably put a lot shame on me.” She laughed quietly, “You would think that this was the 1800’s by the way I am talking about the shame of divorce. I am in PR, 20 Information obtained from the Centers for Disease Control website 21 According to Amrita Chopra in an interview with the author 22 Verified to the author by Vinlay Gupta, department of History at UCLA 14 I deal with divorces all the time, I should be able to deal with my marriage in a more modern way!” For Amrita, the struggle isn’t whether or not she wants to continue being married to Sahil, she knows they are not the love of each other’s lives, but the possibility that her mother will look at her differently; the tension that may ensue if she decides to go against her parent’s matchmaking. 23 “Is it dumb to sometimes think that maybe my mom being proud of me is more important than being blissfully in love?” 23 From interview with Amrita Chopra 15 CHAPTER NINE: ANTHONY “Where’s Katie?” Enid Folan said excitedly, an as she drew her son into a bear hug. “I thought you were both coming over for brunch, no?” Anthony began to shiver as he slowly followed his mother into the house that his parents had moved into 6-years-ago upon retiring. Might as well just rip off the proverbial band-aid and get this over with, he thought to himself. 24 “Mom, Katie moved out because I ended the engagement.” And in another breath, quickly before his mother could react, “Because I realized that I am gay.” She slowly lowered herself onto a faded, floral couch, hands splayed over her apron clad lap, and let out a slow intake of breath. “But you were engaged to a girl, you like girls, you don’t date men,” she said in quiet confusion. “I knew you weren’t happy, and maybe you think you are gay, but I don’t think that’s the case,” she said definitively. As Anthony crouched down in front of his mother, she shifted away from him slightly, removing her hand from under his. “It was at that moment that I wasn’t sure if I had done the right thing by telling her,” he told me as he motioned to the waiter for the check. “In that first moment of me telling her, it was apparent that not only was she confused and maybe even felt betrayed, but she was repulsed.” Anthony continued to try to explain things to his mother, and although she is no longer outright repulsed by supposed new sexual orientation, things are still not the same. 24 As described by Anthony Nolan to the author in an interview 16 “We were so close, like I used to tell my mom everything,” he said, “But now, it is better for me to just keep some things to myself,” he says, like of the same-sex relationship he is currently in with an L.A. based artist. Even though it has been 5 years, and Anthony’s relationship with his parents, especially his mom, is still strained and even sometimes awkward, he thinks it will only be some time before she comes around and learns to understand his new life. “I’m her only son, her only child,” he says fervently. “She just has to love me for me.” 17 CHAPTER TEN: EPILOGUE Sarah is adamant in the idea that she would rather experience “something heart- stoppingly real” with Josh than break up with him and begin to mend things with her family. Amrita, on the other hand, is at the point in her relationship with Sahil where she would rather forgo the thought of divorce, of finding someone she is truly in love with, because she would rather not risk possible disappointment from her family. As for Anthony, he realized what kind of person he was meant to be with, was truthful to his parents and is now just trying to find a comfortable, normal place in his family again. “It doesn’t matter how ‘free-spirited’ or ‘accepting’ your parents seem to be while you are growing up,” Sarah says, before she gently pushes me out the door. “You never know what kind of rules you are breaking until you break them and what types of preconceptions you are about to incur until your parents stop talking to you.” 18 REFERENCES Chopra, Amrita (Interviewee), 11/15/10 Conner, Sarah (Interviewee), 11/5/10 "FASTSTATS - Marriage and Divorce." Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Web. <http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/fastats/divorce.htm>. Nolan, Anthony (Interviewee), 12/1/10 "NVSS - Marriages and Divorces." Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Web. <http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/mardiv.htm>. Spielman, Henry and Esther (Interviewees) 19

Abstract (if available)

Abstract An intimate look at three couples struggling in their personal relationships because of religious, cultural and social preconceptions. One couple is of mixed religion – Jewish and Catholic, one is struggling with the thought of divorce within a traditional Indian culture, and the third is a homosexual man who is struggling with telling his mother he is gay. All stories take you into the lives of these people and the issues they face despite the fact that they live in today’s modern society.

Linked assets

University of Southern California Dissertations and Theses

Conceptually similar

PDF

Cultural practices & communications of Disney's worldwide parks

PDF

Cultural differences

PDF

The hidden side of pitching: life lessons from the National Pitching Association

PDF

Pop the politics

PDF

The missing link: the role of organizational culture in technology change management communication

PDF

Heels, microphones, and unlikely heroines: comparing the female broadcast journalist in the fiction of Sparkle Hayter and Kelly Lange

PDF

Gender confusion and the female journalist: TV journalist Robin Scherbatsky of How I met your mother

PDF

College athletic directors and reputational risk: the public relations imperative

PDF

Trauma in the field: a reporter's view

PDF

Hollywood's 2015 diversity problem and the powerful impact of film and television

PDF

2011 National Football League lockout: messaging in the context of professional sports labor disputes

PDF

Academy award campaigns: the evolution of PR and the film industry

PDF

Within and without bounds: media and the journalist in the fiction of Chinese writer Sun Haoyuan

PDF

The branded journalist: how journalists pursuing hosting are gambling on a brand to get a piece of the media landscape

PDF

Do, re, media: the image of the journalist in popular culture

PDF

G33K Out: www.angiefsutton.com/g33kout/

PDF

Does inequality begin on Greek Row?

PDF

Foraging: the life of wild food hunters

PDF

Revolution for the Lulz, or, An exploration of protest in the age of new media

PDF

Bleached pavement: the urban redevelopment of coral ecosystems

Asset Metadata

Creator Alagem, Alexis Paula (author)

Core Title Preconceptions and the crossing of religious, cultural and social boundaries

School Annenberg School for Communication

Degree Master of Arts

Degree Program Journalism (Print Journalism)

Publication Date 12/15/2011

Defense Date 12/15/2011

Publisher University of Southern California (original), University of Southern California. Libraries (digital)

Tag culture,magazine,OAI-PMH Harvest,religious,social

Language English

Contributor Electronically uploaded by the author (provenance)

Advisor Reeves, Richard (committee chair), Kotler, Jonathan (committee member), Murphy, Mary (committee member)

Creator Email alexis.alagem@gmail.com

Permanent Link (DOI) https://doi.org/10.25549/usctheses-c3-215675

Unique identifier UC11295192

Identifier usctheses-c3-215675 (legacy record id)

Legacy Identifier etd-AlagemAlex-460-0.pdf

Dmrecord 215675

Document Type Thesis

Rights Alagem, Alexis Paula

Type texts

Source University of Southern California (contributing entity), University of Southern California Dissertations and Theses (collection)

Access Conditions The author retains rights to his/her dissertation, thesis or other graduate work according to U.S. copyright law. Electronic access is being provided by the USC Libraries in agreement with the a...

Repository Name University of Southern California Digital Library

Repository Location USC Digital Library, University of Southern California, University Park Campus MC 2810, 3434 South Grand Avenue, 2nd Floor, Los Angeles, California 90089-2810, USA