Anything for love: out-of-the-box approaches to dating

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Content ANYTHING FOR LOVE: OUT-OF-THE-BOX APPROACHES TO DATING by Jennifer Rubin A Thesis Presented to the FACULTY OF THE GRADUATE SCHOOL UNIVERSITY OF SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA In Partial Fulfillment of the Requirements for the Degree MASTER OF ARTS (ONLINE JOURNALISM) May 2009 Copyright 2009 Jennifer Rubin ii Dedication To my parents for their unwavering support and encouragement in all aspects of my life. To all my teachers and friends at Annenberg for helping me to grow as journalist and Web producer. And to my grandma, always my inspiration, who I know is watching down and getting a big laugh out of this project. iii Acknowledgements Special thanks to USC faculty and thesis committee members Bryce Nelson, Robert Lopez and Nitin Kale for all their instruction and guidance throughout this thesis process. iv Table of Contents Dedication ii Acknowledgements iii List of Figures v Abstract vi Preface vii Chapter 1: The Key to Finding Romance? 1 Chapter 2: High-Speed Speed Dating 13 Chapter 3: From Inmate to Soul Mate 19 Chapter 4: 'We Do Not Want to Get Stuck with Someone Who Likes the Yankees' 25 Chapter 5: Seeking True Love in Second Life 30 Bibliography 36 Appendix 40 v List of Figures Figure 1: Lock and Key Events Photo 1 6 Figure 2: Lock and Key Events Photo 2 7 Figure 3: Lock and Key Events Photo 3 8 Figure 4: Lock and Key Events Photo 4 9 Figure 5: Lock and Key Events Photo 5 10 Figure 6: Lock and Key Events Photo 6 11 Figure 7: Lock and Key Events Photo 7 12 vi Abstract The Web site “Anything for Love: Out-of-the-Box Approaches to Dating” (http://www.jennrubin.com/anything_for_love.html) was developed, reported and designed by Jenn Rubin, a graduate student at the University of Southern California Annenberg School for Communication, as her master's thesis in online journalism. Using articles, videos, slideshows and other multimedia, the project brings to light the unique ways couples meet outside of bar and clubs scenes, set-ups by friends and mainstream online dating sites. AvMatch.com, MatchingSox.com, Lock and Key Events SpeedDate.com and Women Behind Bars are among the dating services profiled. The project seeks to explore if these novel methods for meeting a mate really work, and why daters are willing to pay for them in these current tough economic times. Additional side bar features on the Web site include a Flash quiz on modern-day dating facts and figures, as well as a message board for readers to share their love stories. vii Preface There are around 92 million unmarried and single American adults, per U.S. Census Bureau figures. “It’s Just Lunch” reports 48 percent of men and 52 percent of women have tried a dating agency. In 2007, at least 20 million visited an Internet dating Web site each month, according to data compiled by Online Dating Magazine. From lock and key parties to online speed dating, more unique options than ever before are available to those looking for romance. Do these novel methods really work, though? Plus, are singles actually willing to spend the money on them in such tough economic times? One thing is for sure: The dating game is changing. 1 The Key to Finding Romance? Daters differ over whether the innovative icebreaker game played at lock and key parties truly can help singles find their perfect match. “You want to do it twice in one night?” Alan, a bearded, middle-aged man around his mid-40s, asks Helen, a brunette baby boomer in a V-neck white top he has just met at Aqua Lounge in Beverly Hills. Normally, Alan would be lucky to not get slapped in the face for asking this type of question to an almost complete stranger. But tonight his inquiry has Helen saying yes, yes, yes. “He was the key to my lock,” explains Helen, grinning up at Alan as she shows off their intertwined necklaces. Despite the dim lighting in the trendy basement nightclub, Helen keeps her sunglasses on as she gives her tall partner in the pink-collared shirt a huge hug. Alan and Helen are among the approximately 150 participants at this Lock and Key Events party on a balmy, California summer night. 2 In this new dating game springing up at clubs and other venues across the country, women are given necklaces bearing tiny locks. Men receive ones with small keys attached. The singles mix and mingle as they attempt to find their match. Headquartered in Ft. Lauderdale, Fla., Lock and Key Events was started about five years ago. Today, it has local branches in more than 60 cities across the country, many of which throw parties monthly. Ticket prices range from $20 to around $35, depending on date and location. Discounts are available for guests who sign up in advance. Some events are open to all daters, while others are designed for singles from certain religious groups or age ranges. The lock and key party at Aqua Lounge, for instance, is for daters between 30 and 40. “It is just a way to meet 50 to 100 singles in one given night in a two hour period,” says Julia Rabago, owner of the L.A. division of Lock and Key Events, which sponsored the soiree at Aqua Lounge. “We make it easy to meet new people.” Those at the bar or standing around the Aqua Lounge dance floor approach possible lock and key matches at varying paces. Nor, a native of Turkey dressed in business attire, is having difficulty adjusting to the scene as a first-time lock and key party-goer. She sits on a couch at the edge of the room, watching the action. 3 “I’m so shy,” says Nor, who like others at the party, ask that their last names not be used because of privacy concerns. “I don’t know what to do. Anyway, I think it’s boring.” But success stories abound. Rabago says former Lock and Key Events participants have e-mailed her with news of their engagements or marriages. Vince Dell, a balding event planner with a bright smile, says that he ended up with a few dates after attending past lock and key parties. “I’m not good with the other scenes,” Dell concedes, regarding the eligible bachelorettes in the crowd. “I don’t do the bar or the club scene. I’m not religious. Here, it’s a wide variety of people. Good venue; good location. Hot women in high heels.” Similar organizations include Lock and Key Match. General event planners, like Party Scammers, are also among the companies in L.A. putting on lock and key parties. The group hosted a Valentine’s Day-themed lock and key night at Jimmy's Lounge in Hollywood last February. “In my opinion, it’s for shy people and people who have trouble meeting people in general,” says Alex Narayan, who has helped run Lock and Key Events in L.A. for about two years. The tanned young man with a black goatee and sideburns scans the crowd inside Aqua Lounge while handing out locks and keys. 4 “Some are outgoing once they have an icebreaker,” he says. “This provides that. It turns finding someone to date into a game. Of course, the raffle tickets are very important.” Daters who find a lock and key match during the course of the party trade in their necklaces to Rabago and her staff for new ones, as well as raffle tickets. The more lock and key connections a dater makes, the greater are his or her chances to win the lottery prizes, which often include spa treatments and airline tickets. “For some people, it’s a joke thing,” says Narayan. “Other people are really trying, in theory. It’s hard to find someone, honestly.” “I get no dates from online dating,” says a heavyset dater named Jack. “You in person are different from a profile. Then, I come to these things and get like two girls to give me a try.” Despite the tough economy, Jack doesn’t have a problem paying the at-least $20 cover charge at Lock and Key Events parties. “When I go out to clubs, I end up with around an $80 tab buying girls drinks,” says Jack. “That’s two nights on a weekend, so this comparatively is not that expensive.” Companies hosting more traditional types of singles parties also appear to be enjoying continued success, despite turbulent financial times. Adele Testani, president of 5 HurryDate, told the TODAY show in March 2009 that attendance at her organization’s speed date events has spiked in recent months. “Basically, people are adjusting their priorities, and finding dates and a mate are a higher priority in this economy,” says Mark Brooks, a consultant for Internet dating and social networking companies like Friendster and PlentyofFish. “I don’t think it’s expensive when you have the potential to meet 50 guys, and if you don’t meet anybody, it’s a fun night out with the girls,” says Barbara, a tour guide who has landed three phone numbers in just the first hour at the Beverly Hills lock and key party. Yet the overall crowd lacks appeal for Tay, who is making her debut at a Lock and Key Event. An attractive woman who keeps in shape by hiking, Tay stands out as one of the younger party-goers at the event for singles who are at least 30. “The men are weird,” Tay says, crossing her well-toned legs uncomfortably. “It’s all a little odd. You go up and stick your lock in someone’s face and say, ‘Unlock me.’ Would I do this again? Probably not.” Yet other women, like Barbara and Helen, find lock and key parties to be a great fit for helping to improve their dating lives. “I’m having a great time!” exclaims Helen as she smiles up at Alan. 6 Figures: Lock and Key Party Photos Figure 1: Lock and Key Events Photo 1 Party-goers see if their lock and key match up in the hopes of winning raffle prizes... and possibly forming a love connection as well. 7 Figure 2: Lock and Key Events Photo 2 Alan and Helen smile after his key fits her lock. “You want to do it twice in one night?” he asks her afterward, holding up a new key. The more lock and key connections a dater makes, the greater are his or chances to win the lottery prizes. 8 Figure 3: Lock and Key Events Photo 3 Alex Narayan of Lock and Key Events hands out game pieces during a party at Aqua Lounge in Beverly Hills, California. “In my opinion, it's for shy people and people who have trouble meeting people in general,” he says. 9 Figure 4: Lock and Key Events Photo 4 Ticket prices for L.A.-area Lock and Key events range from $20 to around $35, depending on date and location. Discounts are available for guests who sign up in advance on the organization's Web site. 10 Figure 5: Lock and Key Events Photo 5 Daters mingle at the Lock and Key Events function at Aqua Lounge in Beverly Hills. 11 Figure 6: Lock and Key Events Photo 6 Julia Rabago, owner of the L.A. division of Lock and Key Events, says former participants have e-mailed her with news of their engagements or marriages. 12 Figure 7: Lock and Key Events Photo 7 Lock and Key Events singles parties usually take place at local nightclubs or lounges. 13 High-Speed Speed Dating SpeedDate.com attempts to adapt the popular singles icebreaker for the Web, sending its members on three-minute online dates. It's Friday evening, and Los Angeles native Lindsey Brengle has already gone on three dates — without ever leaving her kitchen table. Wrapped in a blue blanket, with an empty carton of Chinese food on the floor, the 25-year-old bubbly blonde recaps the romantic encounters from the past half hour. “I had a 38-year-old from Florida, who was Jewish, a 37-year-old, who was Asian, and then a guy in the army in Texas was 19,” she says. Brengle is one of millions of suitors seeking that special someone on SpeedDate.com, a Web site that sets up members on three-minute chat sessions. Daters can converse via webcam or instant messenger. If both vote “yes” after the introductory conversation, the site allows them to continue communicating. “I think it’s a good way to start Internet dating, because if you’re nervous about encountering people that might not be who they say they are, it’s cool ‘cause you can see them and you know that they are there and real,” says Brengle, who lives in the Pico- Robertson neighborhood of Los Angeles and works as an editor. Her chief complaint is that not every dater has a webcam. 14 “It’s a little awkward if they can see and hear you, but you can’t see and hear them,” Brengle explains. “There’s a little bit of a delay in response, and I think that’s part of the disadvantage.” SpeedDate was started in 2007 by Stanford Business School graduates Simon Tisminezky and Dan Abelon. More than a year later, with approximately 13 team members, the company claims to have hosted more than 30 million online speed dates and has turned their service into applications for Facebook and iPhone. Tisminezky believes SpeedDate differs from other profile-based dating sites that mainly rely on members getting to know each other through e-mail exchanges. “You can get on a SpeedDate right away, chat and get to know someone really quick,” he says. “It’s interactive.” Mark Brooks of Online Personals Watch, a site that follows the business of Internet dating, calls online and real-world speed dating services “complementary.” “I think real-world speed dating will tend to grow as a consequence of the online speed dating companies, creating more awareness on the concept of speed dating,” says Brooks, who also does consulting for Internet dating and social networking companies like Friendster and PlentyofFish. After creating a SpeedDate profile, singles can begin having the site generate potential matches for free. Members must upgrade to premium status, which costs 15 between $15.99 and $24.99, in order to pick their own speed dates and get access to other special features, like e-mailing. Thousands of SpeedDate members have begun paying for premium status since it was introduced in September 2008, according to Tisminezky. “I think people are willing to pay to find a boyfriend or girlfriend, and it’s not something you save money on,” Tisminezky says. “People need that, whether or not the economy is doing good or bad.” But not everyone agrees. Take SpeedDate user Jesus Contreras, a 24-year-old student at the University of Arizona. “I don't feel comfortable paying someone to set me up,” Contreras says. “I think SpeedDate is easy to use even if you don't want to spend money.” A self-described shy guy, Contreras is disappointed the site hasn’t helped him meet more women closer to his school. “It sets you up on random speed dates that are nowhere near you,” he complains. Tisminezky acknowledges the long-distance speed dates sometimes occur when members live in less-populated areas or log on during late-night hours. 16 “People might go on at two in the morning and there might not be that many people on,” he explains. “We still want to give them live dates, so we sometimes extend the filter in terms of miles to a pretty wide range for the live dates.” Bryce, who declines to give his last name, has gone out with a fellow Arizona State student he met on SpeedDate. However, the 19-year-old from nearby Tempe expresses frustration at the number of “cam girls” on the site. “They’re like the online version of a stripper,” he says. “They flirt with you then they go and be like, ‘Hey come watch me on cam at this site for five bucks a month or something.’” Tisminezky is aware of the problem and says that the site is trying to block the “cam girls” as best it can. “These people are like cockroaches,” he says. “They get reported, but then they open up a new account.” Tisminezky’s ultimate goal is to one day have SpeedDate be as prominent as online dating powerhouses Match.com and eHarmony.com Yet despite the rise of more interactive forms of Internet dating, established sites seem not to have been affected thus far. Membership at eHarmony grew by 20 percent last September, while Match saw a 17 percent jump in December alone, according to the TODAY show. 17 Still, Match and eHarmony should be learning from SpeedDate.com’s platform, according to Brooks. “I think they need to add similar functionality to their sites, but I think they found it lowered their monetization when they tried it in the past,” he says. Dating expert Renee Piane agrees that Match and eHarmony will eventually have to rethink their site strategies in order to stay relevant in the communication age. “It’s a matter of keeping up with the technology,” says Piane, who is also president of the country’s “first non-denominational speed dating service,” Rapid Dating, and a consultant for Los Angeles matchmaking organization Elite Connections. Piane calls SpeedDate’s model “fabulous,” particularly for tech-savvy teens and young adults. However, she believes more traditional dating businesses, like matchmaking and speed dating party organizations, will continue to thrive among older singles seeking more personalized service. “Those in their 30s and 40, they want to meet face to face… and get it over with,” she says. “For people really serious about finding a relationship, matchmaking is the way to go, because we take all of the work out of it for you.” Yet, Tisminezky knows of users who have met their spouses on his site. He also estimates around 300 former members chose the “met my soul mate on SpeedDate” option when deactivating their accounts. 18 As for Brengle, she didn’t meet her soul mate on SpeedDate. Instead, she found him next door when she moved into a new apartment building. However, she strongly recommends online speed dating for outgoing singles looking to jump start their love lives. “I’m an in-person kind of person, so it kind of helped break the ice,” she says of SpeedDate. “I think it’s a cool way to meet people right away. Two hearty thumbs up!” 19 From Inmate to Soul Mate Women Behind Bars, a pen pal site that helps female prisoners find love in the outside world, puts suitors in touch with a unique group of bachelorettes. Lynn Noyes, a bisexual mother of two in her 30s, was arrested in 1998 after suffering through a relationship she says was plagued with domestic violence. Yet she states she has worked hard to turn her life around while serving time at Valley State Prison for Women in Chowchilla, California. Noyes has gotten her AA degree from community college, taken Toastmasters public speaking classes and Alternatives to Violence programs, and even participated in Susan G. Komen walk-a- thons to raise money for breast cancer research. “I feel like society doesn’t view us as human beings,” she wrote after being contacted for this story. “Yet we are human beings… who seek to live, laugh, love, learn, who made mistakes and can learn from them.” To get ready for her expected release from prison in 2019, Noyes signed up for Women Behind Bars, a pen pal program for female prisoners, in order to hear news about the outside world and to build new relationships. 20 Todd Muffoletto founded Women Behind Bars in May 1997 after a friend asked him to create a Web page soliciting companions for her daughter imprisoned in Maryland. Now, more than a decade later, Muffoletto said at least 1,110 people have purchased contact information for one or more of the 500-700 female inmates listed on his Web site. He estimated about 80 percent of the men contacting the ladies are looking for romance. The site has yielded more than 38 marriages thus far. “I know a few that actually got married inside the facility itself,” said Muffoletto, who runs the business from his home in Indiana. “They have a chapel there and everything.” The ladies on Women Behind Bars are of varying ethnicity and range in age from early 20s to late 40s. Typically, their complimentary profiles and photos have been submitted by friends or relatives, who have downloaded an application from the Women Behind Bars site and mailed the paperwork to Muffoletto. Those browsing the site in turn pay $3 for each address they request, plus an overall $5 processing fee. Relationship psychotherapist Bill Miller believes there’s a certain element of fantasy involved fueling men’s desire to write to incarcerated women. 21 “You’re not really meeting the person,” he said. “We miss a lot of the meta- communication, which is about eye contact and body language. You don’t really know the person. It makes it much easier for us to impose our own fantasies on them, which I think is a fundamental problem of relationships anyway.” Muffoletto said he’s had a wide range of clientele over the years, from truck drivers, cashiers and mechanics to doctors and lawyers. Marines and others in the military overseas have also ordered addresses for female inmates. “I can really see it ‘cause they are both stuck in a situation where they can’t get out,” Muffoletto said of his military clients and profiled female inmates. “They’re looking for a tie with somebody.” Loneliness is a feeling California native Maureen Carroll is all too familiar with living at the California Institution for Women in Corona. “I’ve been incarcerated for 25 years, and family and friends fade away,” the redhead in her 40s said in a written response for this story. Carroll joined Women Behind Bars after a fellow inmate recommended the site. She said she is hoping that new friends come into her life. Currently, four members have written to her, and she said she is still in touch with one. 22 Most men in their introductory letter describe themselves, their background and their life goals, according to Muffoletto. He has found the ladies do respond to the majority of notes they receive. Muffoletto acknowledged that some daters are wary of his site. “It’s sort of different than meeting someone at a bar because let’s face it, where they’re at is where they’re at,” Muffoletto said. “But a lot of times, you can meet some distasteful people at a bar, too. I’m not saying the people on my site are distasteful.” Muffoletto cautions his clients to be on guard for financial scamming by the women, but he added that such problems are “minimal.” “I’ve let everybody on my Web site know not to give them money,” he said. “It’s all on the Web site as far as warnings go.” Typically, men order the addresses of 20 to 30 ladies. Yet with the recent economic downtown, Muffoletto said, customers are only buying contact information for five or six women. Kami Owens, a 43-year-old stout blonde, wrote that she really appreciates that Women Behind Bars is free for incarcerated women. Yet, the Valley State Prison inmate feels more promotion needs to be done for the site inside the prisons. 23 “I think the fact that we just have word of mouth in here, it could be improved with fliers or cards,” said Owens. Another problem is that contact information on the site is not always up to date. The address for Michelle Kesler listed her in the Corona prison facility. In fact, Kesler is at Arbor Springs, California and is currently serving out her sentence as an inmate firefighter and mechanic. While her Women Behind Bars profile still lists her as “looking for a friend, possibly a relationship” and dreaming of marriage, Kesler claimed she is not the same person who posted that ad such a long time back. “My life is finally heading in the right direction, and a relationship is the last thing I need,” the middle-aged brunette wrote. “I plan on staying single for at least two years after my release.” Women Behind Bars is not Muffoletto’s only job. He also runs computer repair and Web design businesses. “I’m not really making much on it at all,” said Muffoletto of his prison pen pal site. “It’s not a livable wage, below poverty level really. I make enough to keep it running, what it amounts to.” 24 Yet Muffoletto is committed to keep the site working the best he can in his spare time. Despite having never written to any of the ladies on his site, Muffoletto is proud to be providing a service he feels gives hope to others. “A lot of people think once you go to jail or prison, that’s it,” he said. “You have no contact with the outside world. What better way to get rehabbed and keep talking with people on the outside and mostly sustain some hope to get out?” 25 'We Do Not Want to Get Stuck with Someone Who Likes the Yankees' MatchingSox.com, a dating site designed for fans of Boston’s beloved baseball team, puts a price on finding a Red Sox soul mate. It all started with a crush. Timothy Lampa had fallen for one of the beer sellers at legendary Fenway Park, home of baseball’s Boston Red Sox. “It was the first year I got shut out of season tickets,” recalled Lampa, 35. “I had a crush on a girl there. So, I was a little upset I wasn’t able to get tickets.” Lampa did get his heart’s desire without any online assistance. However, the experience gave him the idea to start MatchingSox.com, a site dedicated to pairing up single Red Sox supporters. Looking relaxed in jeans, a zippered sweatshirt and his No. 9 Ted Williams baseball cap, Lampa flashed a boyish grin as he recalled the beginning days of MatchingSox. 26 “It evolved from a way to date a season ticket holder to maybe being matched with a Red Sox fan,” he said. “‘Cause as any Red Sox fan knows, we have a passion for our team, and we do not want to get stuck with someone who likes the Yankees.” Putting $6,000 on his credit card, Lampa got the site up and running with the help of a few tech-savvy friends. Today, MatchingSox has a roster of approximately 4,000 Red Sox singles from across the globe. “We do have people from California all the way to Florida,” said Lampa. “Red Sox fans are everywhere, even Canada. People overseas have done it — soldiers.” The majority of users range in age from 24 to 35 and reside in New England, according to Lampa, who works full-time at a Boston-area environmental company, where he cleans and repairs equipment. He encourages members to have first dates that involve the Red Sox in some manner. Connecticut native Patrick Lowery and Dawn Graham from New Jersey met through the site and had their first date at Fenway Park. While they had chatted with other MatchingSox members, neither had been on a date with someone from the site before. “I got four tickets behind the dugout for a game the same day,” said Graham. “I invited Pat to come, but informed him that my mom and my best friend were also 27 attending the game. He came. So, he either really liked me or likes the Red Sox that much. So, my mom and friend were on our first date.” Despite the extra company, the lanky Lowery took a liking that day to the blonde Jersey girl with the big smile. “The Red Sox lost, but it all worked out,” added Lowery. “We were engaged in less than three months.” Even though interest-based dating sites, like MatchingSox, provide a mutual connection that members can use to form romantic ones, experts say these organizations don’t necessarily have a better shot at bringing together couples that will last in the long run. “Once you get into a relationship, it’s a whole new ballgame,” said relationship psychotherapist Bill Miller. “After the potential sparks and romance, we go back to the basics… How do we engage in a new kind of relationship that actually works based on communication and acceptance and forgiveness?” Yet Lowery and Graham made it to the altar. Their September 2007 wedding was a Sox-themed celebration. “Our cake top and toasting glasses had the Red Sox logo,” said Graham. 28 “Patrick had Red Sox on the bottom of his shoes,” recalled Lampa, who attended the wedding. “He got his picture taken with his Red Sox hat.” Those looking to join MatchingSox can create a profile and post photos of themselves for free. Access to view or contact others on the site currently costs $44.95 a year or $9.95 a week. “If anyone is willing to put their faith in trying to look for someone to spend their life with, why not spend the money?” argued Lampa. “It’s like people will spend that money going to Match.com, or they’ll even pay 100 bucks to go see a baseball game. I thought it’s lower than the price of a ticket.” Even in the current turbulent economy, Lowery said, the potential gains from online dating are worth any cost of admission. “We want to find ‘The One,’ and you can't put a price on that,” he said. “It's worth the investment for a possible lifetime of return.” However, Lampa is considering dropping the membership fees. “I thought it was reasonable, but in these economic times, it is time to do away with it,” he said. “People that live in other states are not going to pay to go on and see that there’s not a lot of people in Iowa or something like that. So I figure make it free, make it more of a social networking kind of thing and that will just have the fans flock to it.” 29 Besides, Lampa added, he’s not making a profit from the site. “Basically all the money I’ve made has covered the expenses of the original start- up cost, and I also did a redesign two years ago,” he said. “So, nothing has really been made yet.” Formulating a strategy for advertising revenue is part of Lampa’s game plan for the site in 2009. Along with “drafting” new members, he hopes to host group outings to Fenway Park and Red Sox-themed bar nights for Boston-area singles. “They should pick MatchingSox, because they want to share their passion of being a Red Sox fan,” said Lampa. “All the other things — the Chemistry thing, the eHarmony thing — you can spend hours filling out that form, where you go to MatchingSox and be like, ‘All right, I know I want a Red Sox fan.’” Lowery recommended the site for “fun people who share a great devotion to the Red Sox.” “It’s really a great way to start a possible relationship,” he said. “The passion runs so deep. You’ll be meeting fellow Red Sox fans, so they can’t be all that bad, right? In the worst case, you might make some new friends.” 30 Seeking True Love in Second Life Dating services in the online game Second Life try to accommodate both players looking for real-world romance and those only seeking a virtual fling. In real life, AJ Bayer resides in Canada and has a serious girlfriend. Yet every week for more than six hours a day, Bayer took on the digital form of Myth — a dreadlocked tabby cat looking for love in the online game entitled Second Life. Since Linden Labs launched Second Life in 2003, the SimCity-like computer program has grown to become the Internet’s largest virtual reality community. Players are represented inside Second Life by personalized characters, known as avatars. “I’m part of the Furry fandom,” Bayer said, referring to his avatar’s animal origins. “To being with just other Furries, no, I have been with other races before and would be willing to do so again.” Hoping to find a digital date from among the more than 3 million unique users on Second Life, Bayer signed up on AvMatch.com. Started in January 2008, AvMatch was the first free online dating Web site created exclusively for Second Life participants and their avatars. Today, more than 2,000 players from 35 countries have registered through either the organization’s site or their store inside Second Life, according to staff. 31 “In less than a year, I've received many thanks from members via e-mail about their successful experiences,” said Marc, the founder of the site who asked that his last name not be used for privacy reasons. "My favorite one is on the testimonials page, and it's basically a story about a woman who found 'the most amazing man' through AvMatch.com. Without the site, she says, 'I never would have met my true soul mate.' Their relationship apparently is a real world one now as well. They've been together now over six months.” Before AvMatch daters can begin e-mailing each other through the site, they must first fill out an online profile detailing information such as their hobbies, languages spoken and avatar’s species (human, alien, robot, “furry,” etc.). Users also list whether they are looking for a real-life relationship or just one confined to Second Life. While some members upload their real picture to their profile, the majority only post photos of their avatar. “AvMatch looked like an interesting way to make friends and maybe find a mate that I would spend the rest of my Second Life days with,” Bayer said. He declined to say whether his girlfriend knew about his avatar dating activities. Others, like 40-year-old Geoff from the United Kingdom, signed up for the site for the sole purpose of seeking out a real-life soul mate. Prior to joining AvMatch, Geoff had been in a relationship with a woman he first began courting in Second Life. 32 “I think that if people are like me, then they look for a relationship in Second Life, because they don't have much luck finding them in real life,” Geoff said in an e-mail, who like many Second Life users, asked that his last name not be revealed. In his past relationship, Geoff and his lady love got together in Second Life at dance clubs and at his digital house before finally meeting person to person. He believes he has had more success finding real-world romance through Second Life, because he isn’t immediately evaluated by physical or financial characteristics. “It's another way for people who don't fit into 'normal' society to enjoy the same things as everyone else,” he said. “In Second Life, I don't have any problem with people judging me on my looks, or not being any good at dancing with a girl, or not being able to afford to buy her a meal.” Bill Miller, a relationship psychotherapist, views avatar dating as a detriment to the development of singles’ social skills. He believes daters shouldn’t retreat into a fake world to compensate for a lack of confidence they feel with their real life selves. “We’re all kind of subject to this onslaught of feeling that we need something else to make us more than, and not focusing on our authentic self, not trusting the idea that we can go anywhere and meet a person and hook up that way as opposed to something with a little more glitz to it,” Miller said of avatar dating. “I don’t want to poo poo it. If that’s where people find love, then more power to it.” 33 Yet Marc says financial concerns legitimatize the need for virtual dating. He also feels his AvMatch users with disabilities benefit from their participation on the site by getting to have some sense of a normal dating life. Sarah, a Second Life player from the United States, has a form of Dwarfism. The condition has left her unable to walk and dependent on a vent in order to breathe. “At one time only in my life, I did want to meet someone specific from Second Life,” she said. “Unfortunately, he felt differently. It would also pose a challenge, as I am severely disabled.” Resigned from looking for love outside of the virtual world, Sarah signed up for AvMatch hoping to fulfill her wish of finding a soul mate solely for Second Life. “I am happy in real life, but having a Second Life partner is everything to me,” she said. “We could share everything without any limits.” Sarah feels avatar relationships more closely mimic human ones than people might think. “Like real life, you have good and bad experiences,” she said. “I have had several incidents where dates have left after finding out that I am disabled. I have had a partner that emotionally abused me. I have had partners that lied to me. I have had partners that were mentally ill. On a positive note, I went on several wonderful dates with someone a few weeks ago.” 34 Other Second Life players spend actual money to join dating services run from inside the game. Cupid’s Lagoon charges a membership fee of 300 Second Life Lindens ($1.45) to view profiles, while competitor Fresh Start costs 100 Lindens (69 cents). More than 600 paying members have registered at Cupid’s Lagoon over the past year. Anne from Ontario, whose avatar Sweety Basevi is one of the managers at the organization, estimated their clients in real life range in age from 19 to 70, with around 60 percent being men. She knows of many committed couples who have met through Cupid’s Lagoon, including two avatars who even got married inside Second Life. “I’d say most people are just looking for a Second Life relationship first, possibly moving into a real-life one after a period of time,” Anne said. “When I’m asked about it, I tell people to use caution, use common sense and use your own judgment about how fast or slow things should go.” Her Cupid’s Lagoon co-worker, who requested to be called by his Second Life name of Darius Genira, revealed he had met an avatar through the service who he has now been dating for several months. Genira also believes most people using a Second Life dating service are just looking for digital romance. “I think it somewhat rare to find people who want to meet in real life in Second Life,” he said. “You could meet someone you really like, and they could be on another continent, which makes it a bit hard to meet up.” 35 However, both Genira and Marc argue that their respective sites help singles find emotionally-fulfilling romantic relationship by providing them with the opportunity to meet a long-term partner with whom they can live out their digital days. “Even when these relationships remain Internet-based, they provide companionship, entertainment, personal growth and many other forms of fulfillment that people may not be able to have so readily otherwise,” said Marc. Yet Geoff remains convinced that some daters on AvMatch and in Second Life will be looking for love outside of the game. He continues to spend two to three hours every day inside the virtual world, hoping to find a partner for his avatar, Zack, and perhaps one day, himself as well. “I do still hope to find a Second Life relationship that turns into real life,” he said. “It's the best way I have of getting to know people, so it’s my best bet at finding someone.” 36 Bibliography Abelon, Dan. Personal interview. 12 December 2008. “About AvMatch.” AvMatch.com. 10 March 2009. < http://www.avmatch.com/about/>. Alan. Personal interview. 16 August 2008. Anne. Personal interview. 23 January 2009. Barbara. Personal interview. 16 August 2008. Bayer, AJ. Personal interview. 22 January 2009. “Best Cities for Singles.” 4 September 2008. Forbes.com. 13 February 2009. <http://www.forbes.com/2008/09/04/best-cities-singles-forbeslife-singles08- cx_ee_0904singles_land.html> . Brengle, Lindsey. Personal interview. 9 January 2009. Brooks, Mark. Personal interview. 13 March 2009. Bryce. Personal interview. 9 January 2009. Carroll, Maureen. Personal interview. 6 February 2009. Contreras, Jesus. Personal interview. 9 January 2009. 37 Dating Service News.” It’s Just Lunch. 16 March 2009. <http://www.itsjustlunch.com/inthenews.aspx> . “Dating Statistics.” 13 September 2006. Search Your Love. 9 March 2009. <http://www.syl.com/singles/datingstatistics.html> . “Dating Statistics You Should Know.” 3 February 2009. AOL Personals. 13 February 2009. <http://personals.aol.com/articles/2009/02/03/dating-stats-you-should- know> . Dell, Vince. Personal interview. 16 August 2008. Frank, Brian. Personal interview. 19 February 2009. Genira, Darius [avatar]. Personal interview. 23 January 2009. Geoff. Personal interview. 22 January 2009. Graham, Dawn. Personal interview. 7 January 2009. Haystack, Tigermoth [avatar]. Personal interview. 23 January 2009. Helen. Personal interview. 16 August 2008. Jack. Personal interview. 16 August 2008. Kesler, Michelle. Personal interview. 6 February 2009. Lampa, Timothy. Personal interview. 17 December. 2008. Lowery, Patrick. Personal interview. 8 January 2009. 38 Marc. Personal interview. 1 February 2009. Miller, Bill. Personal interview. 20 February 2009. Muffoletto, Todd. Personal interview. 25 November 2008. Narayan, Alex. Personal interview. 16 August 2008. Nor. Personal interview. 16 August 2008. “Online Dating.” 5 March 2006. Pew Internet. 9 March 2009. <http://www.pewinternet.org/Reports/2006/Online-Dating.aspx> . “Online Dating Facts and Stats.” Online Dating Magazine. 9 March 2009. <http://www.onlinedatingmagazine.com/mediacenter/onlinedatingfacts.html> . Owens, Kami. Personal interview. 6 February 2009. Piane, Renee. Personal interview. 13 March 2009 Rabago, Julie. Personal interview. 1 September 2008. Sarah. Personal interview. 22 January 2009. Tay. Personal interview. 16 August 2008. Tisminezky, Simon. Personal interview. 16 Jan. 2009. 39 “Unmarried and Single Americans Week.” 11 September 2008. U.S. Census Bureau. 19 March 2009. <http://www.census.gov/Press- Release/www/releases/archives/facts_for_features_special_editions/012633.html> “When Times Get Tough, People Want Love.” 9 March 2009. TODAY show. 19 March 2009. <http://www.onlinepersonalswatch.com/news/2009/03/when-times-get- tough-people-want-love-.html> 40 Appendix To view this thesis in its full original and intended form, please visit http://www.jennrubin.com/anything_for_love.html. To view the photo gallery accompanying the chapter “The Key to Finding Romance?,” please visit http://www.jennrubin.com/anything_for_love/lock_and_key_parties/slideshow.html. To view the photo gallery accompanying the chapter “Seeking True Love in Second Life,” please visit http://www.jennrubin.com/anything_for_love/second_life/slideshow.html. To watch videos accompanying the chapter “High-Speed Speed Dating,” please visit http://www.jennrubin.com/anything_for_love/online_speed_dating.html. To watch the videos accompanying the chapter “’We Do Not Want to Get Stuck with Someone Who Likes the Yankees,’” please visit http://www.jennrubin.com/anything_for_love/matchingsox.html. To read the letters accompanying the chapter “From Inmate to Soul Mate,” please visit http://www.jennrubin.com/anything_for_love/women_behind_bars/letters.html.

Abstract (if available)

Abstract The Web site Anything for Love: Out-of-the-Box Approaches to Dating (http://www.jennrubin.com/anything_for_love.html) was developed, designed and reported by Jenn Rubin, a graduate student at the University of Southern California Annenberg School for Communication, as her master's degree thesis in online journalism.

Using articles, videos, slideshows and other media, the project brings to light the unique ways couples meet outside of bar and clubs scenes, set-ups by friends and mainstream online dating sites. AvMatch.com, MatchingSox.com, Lock and Key Events SpeedDate.com and Women Behind Bars are among the dating services profiled. The project seeks to explore if these novel methods for meeting a mate really work, and why daters are willing to pay for them in these current tough economic times.

Additional side bar features on the Web site include a Flash quiz on modern-day dating facts and figures, as well as a message board for readers to share their romance stories.

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