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The devil and agent Webster
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Content
The Devil and Agent Webster
by
Craig Berger
This screenplay is submitted in fulfillment o f final project requirements for the Master o f
Professional Writing, the University o f Southern California.
Approved:
Approved:
(David Scott Milton, Instructor)
(Pm ^am Directory
Date:
: Date
UMI Number: EP61148
All rights reserved
INFORMATION TO ALL USERS
The quality of this reproduction is dependent upon the quality of the copy submitted.
In the unlikely event that the author did not send a complete manuscript
and there are missing pages, these will be noted. Also, if material had to be removed,
a note will indicate the deletion.
DissMtâîion BuDiisniDg
UMI EP61148
Published by ProQuest LLC (2014). Copyright in the Dissertation held by the Author.
Microform Edition © ProQuest LLC.
All rights reserved. This work is protected against
unauthorized copying under Title 17, United States Code
ProQuest LLC.
789 East Eisenhower Parkway
P.O. Box 1346
Ann Arbor, Ml 48106- 1346
The Devil and Agent Webster
by
Craig Berger
955 W. Adams Blvd Apt #5
Los Angeles, CA. 90007
323-377-2000
Drahmiel0aol.com
UNIVERSITY OF
SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA
UBRARY
INT. DANIEL'S HOME -DAY
The BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ of the alarm clock by the bed resounds
throughout the house.
The alarm clock reads: 6:00 A.M.
Federal Agent DANIEL WEBSTER, 37, 5'4--5'7, nerdy looking but
in good shape, reaches over and SHUTS OFF the alarm.
Daniel's a morning person. He hops out of bed with a spring
and a smile, ready to face the day.
MONTAGE OF DANIEL DOING HIS MORNING RITUAL
1. Sit-ups
2. Shower
3. Brushing teeth, flossing, shaving.
Daniel does all of these with a smile. After he slaps on
aftershave, he looks at himself in the mirror, and speaks to
his image, waving a playful, admonishing finger.
DANIEL
No surprises today.
Daniel moves to the kitchen, where he pours himself a bowl of
cereal. He then pours a bowl of cat food for his cat, Benet.
The cat jumps up on the table as Daniel notes the disturbing
similarity between the two bowls.
He puts them on the kitchen table and he and the cat eat.
CUT TO:
INT. DANIEL'S HOME -MOMENTS LATER
Daniel, now clad in suit with briefcase, heads towards the
door. As he reaches the door and opens it, he turns around
and surveys the room. He addresses Benet, who stands in the
middle of the room, being a cat.
DANIEL (CONT'D)
Now Benet, if everything isn't
exactly as I left it when I get
home. I'll know who to blame, won't
I?
Benet is still juSt standing there, being a cat.
CUT TO:
EXT. DANIEL'S HOME -DAY
Daniel exits, closes the door behind him, stands before the
world, and takes a deep, cleansing breath.
DANIEL
No surprises today. OK.
He walks out into the world.
INT. HELL
CUT TO:
Into a huge, dark red, fiery palace, FENDERBLOAT,
professional sniveling sycophant, enters. Fenderbloat is
hunched, ugly, and clad in a brown hooded robe. Fenderbloat
looks a bit scared as he moves farther in, through
intimidating looking licking bursts of FLAME. Down the hall
is a large, impressive looking throne, which houses a Shadowy
Figure (THE DEVIL)
Fenderbloat continues down the hall until he arrives
immediately before the Shadowy Figure. There is RUMBLING and
FIRE surrounding the Shadowy Figure, who is completely
enshrouded in darkness and cannot be seen, although the
shadows make him appear huge in silhouette. The Shadowy
Figure speaks in a loud BOOMING VOICE (a la the Wizard of
Oz) .
THE DEVIL
Who dares approach the vengeful
Lord of all the Damned?
FENDERBLOAT
Uh, it's Fenderbloat, sire, you
rang for me?
THE DEVIL
Oh, Fenderbloat.
The Devil pushes a button on the chair, and the LIGHTS go up.
The fire and rumbling, all special effects, disappear, and
now the room actually looks kind of inviting. With the
shadows gone, it is apparent that The Devil's visage is not
really intimidating at all. He's about 5'5", a bit
overweight, and balding, with a ring of hair around the back,
although he does have the red skin and horns. He no longer
speaks with any booming or echo, just a regular average Joe
voice. He jumps out of the chair and starts pacing
frenetically, with Fenderbloat trying to keep up.
THE DEVIL (CONT'D)
Thank God it's you. You never know
who's going to find their way in
here these days. If I have to put
on that dog and pony show for one
more Sixteenth century Philosopher
I swear' I'm gonna plotz.
FENDERBLOAT
How can I serve you, my Lord?
THE DEVIL
How can you serve me? You can get
lost and get Heidi Klum down here!
Uch, how can you serve me? You
can't serve me. I'm done for,
Fenderbloat, I'm screwed!.
Fenderbloat, do you hear what I'm
saying to you?
FENDERBLOAT
That you're screwed, sir?
THE DEVIL
Uch!
FENDERBLOAT
Might I ask what the problem is,
sir?
The Devil stops pacing and faces Fenderbloat.
THE DEVIL
The problem. You want to know the
problem. All right, Fenderbloat,
I'll tell you the problem. You
know that cute little muffin, the
girl who sold her soul to me about
ten, fifteen years ago, Brianna,
Betty...
FENDERBLOAT
Britney, sir?
THE DEVIL
That's the one! Man is she a
cutie. Anyway, she and I are
having a little fun in New Jersey,
frolicking around, having a little
picnic, doing what any healthy red
skinned devil would do with a pop
starlet on a sunny Saturday
afternoon, when it happened.
FENDERBLOAT
Congratulations, sir.
THE DEVIL
Not that, you buffoon! That girl
doesn't look older than sixteen!
What kind of a guy do you think I
am?
Fenderbloat just stares, waiting for The Devil to appreciate
the implications of the question.
THE DEVIL (CONT'D)
Oh. Yeah. Well, never mind that,
no. What happened is, as we were
having our little fun, I happened
to tread over some stupid little
flowers. No big deal, right?
Fenderbloat's mouth drops.
THE DEVIL (CONT'D)
Fenderbloat, it's OK.
Fenderbloat is mortified.
FENDERBLOAT
Sir, you didn't.
THE DEVIL
Fenderbloat, your reaction is not
overwhelming me with confidence
here.
FENDERBLOAT
New Jersey, sir? Not... Newark?
THE DEVIL
I'm afraid so, Fenderbloat.
Fenderbloat's horror continues to grow.
FENDERBLOAT
Not the Petunias, sir. Please, I
beg you, tell me it wasn't the
Petunias !
THE DEVIL
I was looking at the girl, who's
supposed to notice a bunch of
flowers in the middle of a
farshtunken swamp?
FENDERBLOAT
Please, oh please sir tell me you
did not trample the great and
powerful Host of hosts. Holiest of
Holies, All-Powerful and Almighty
Lord of all creation's prize
Petunias !
THE DEVIL
I only trampled them a little bit.
Well, totally. But it was her
fault! That little vixen led me
astray !
FENDERBLOAT
For the sake of your reputation,
and because I know this is an
emotional time. I'm going to forget
you said that.
THE DEVIL
Fenderbloat, what am I going to do?
When He finds out about this. He's
gonna put my pitchfork somewhere
where I'm not going to find it
without major surgery!
FENDERBLOAT
Our God is a merciful one.
THE DEVIL
A merciful one? Did you miss the
part where it says "Vengeance is
Mine, sayeth the Lord?" You think
"vengeance" is a euphemism for
"nurturing support group?"
FENDERBLOAT
Well, no, sir, but perhaps you can
convince Him to be reasonable?
THE DEVIL
Fenderbloat, I have three words for
you. Sodom. And. Gomorrah.
FENDERBLOAT
I suppose I see your point, sir.
The Devil turns away from Fenderbloat.
THE DEVIL
There's got to be a way out. But
there isn't a way out. But there's
got to be a way out.
FENDERBLOAT
I think I see a way out, sir.
The devil
Quiet, Fenderbloat, I'm trying to
think here. Let's see. A way out,
a way out.
He turns back to Fenderbloat.
THE DEVIL (CONT'D)
Fenderbloat, did you say a way out?
FENDERBLOAT
Just a thought, sir. Have you
considered running?
THE DEVIL
Running! From God! Are you on
crack? Where could I possibly go
where he wouldn't find me? Use
your head, Fenderbloat!
FENDERBLOAT
Sir, if I might have an indulgence.
How many souls have you had under
contract since you started this
business?
THE DEVIL
Uhm. ... I don't know, 926,453,019,
give or take?
FENDERBLOAT
And out of those 926,453,019, how
many did you fail to collect? Not
counting contractual lOopholes and
such, just the ones you couldn't
find.
THE DEVIL
Seven.
FENDERBLOAT
And why couldn't you find those
seven? Where did they go?
7.
Fenderbloat smiles. The Devil's eyes light up with joy and
he opens his mouth to say...
CUT TO:
INT. FBI BUILDING, DANIEL'S DESK -DAY
Daniel is sitting at his desk in the offices of the FBI
Criminal Investigations Division, Cleveland, Ohio. Sitting
on Daniel's desk is Agent NICK DANTE, early 30s. Nick is
good looking, confident, in short, everything Daniel is not.
DANIEL
The Federal Witness Protection
Program?
NICK
I'm telling you, buddy, this is
your big chance to get ahead.
Daniel gets up from his desk.
DANIEL
I don't know, I don't like it.
Daniel starts to walk towards the coffee machine. Nick
follows.
NICK
You don't like anything, man,
that's your problem! Always taking
these safe little assignments,
spending a hundred hours a week
doing research and paperwork...
Nick pushes out his lapel so that Daniel can view the badge
pinned to it more closely.
NICK (CONT'D)
See this? It says we are Special
Agents. Special. That means we're
special people who do special
things.
They arrive at the coffee machine. Daniel goes about fixing
himself a cup.
8.
DANIEL
Oh, you're special all right, Nick.
Listen, this kind of fly-by-night,
raid the drug palace and nail the
bad guys, fight with Buffalo Bob in
pitch blackness and save the
Governor's daughter stuff is fine
for you. But I'm just not built
that way.
NICK
Come on, man, heroes aren't born,
they're made! You think I was
always the strong, self-assured
action hero I am today?
Daniel picks up his coffee cup and gives Nick the once over
DANIEL
Yes.
He starts back towards his desk. Nick runs after him.
NICK
Look. How long have you been with
the bureau?
DANIEL
Ten years.
NICK
Ten years ! Ten freakin years !
I've been here seven years. You're
more experienced than I am. You're
smarter than I am, and I'm your
supervisor ! Is that fair?
Daniel and Nick resume their places at and on the desk,
respectively.
DANIEL
My research skills are highly
valued by this organization. I've
solved more than my share of crimes
right here from this desk. And
collared two off the Most Wanted
list. I'll have you know.
NICK
I know! You know how I know?
Because I saw McLuder bringing them
in !
He points towards another desk where the unkempt and
overweight AGENT MCLUDER is fighting with a jelly doughnut.
NICK (CONT'D)
Now why should that slug get all
the glory while you do all the
work, hunh? God, I can't even look
at him, he's disgusting.
DANIEL
This job is not about glory, Nick,
it's about putting criminals where
they belong.
NICK
This job is all about glory, Danny
boy, and this...
Nick digs a file out from the papers on the desk and drops it
on Daniel's lap.
NICK (CONT'D)
This, is your ticket to all the
glory you can handle.
Daniel opens the folder to a picture of Bob Scratch, 50s,
thin, 7 o clock shadow gracing his face, stringy, greasy
hair. About as unpleasant and sleazy looking a guy as you'd
ever want to see.
INSERT CLOSE UP ON PICTURE OF BOB SCRATCH
NICK (O.S.)
Bob Scratch. Pretty, isn't he?
Grifter, stool pigeon and general
sleazeball extraordinaire. Likes;
torturing animals and setting
fires, dislikes; anyone who looks
at him funny.
Daniel shifts from the picture to some other papers with
personal information on Scratch as he listens.
NICK
Most famous stunt, narking his
mother out for possession of
marijuana.
DANIEL
His mother?
10
NICK
For her arthritis. But the
government didn't see it that way.
Rumor has it this guy has no soul,
if you believe in that sort of
thing.
DANIEL
I don't. So what does this have to
do with me?
Nick jumps off the desk and kneels down to eye-level with
Daniel. He grabs him firmly, putting a hand on each leg.
This is meant to get Daniel's attention, and it does, also
startling him and causing him to spill coffee everywhere.
DANIEL (CONT'D)
Hey!
NICK
Danny, listen. Here it is. This
guy Scratch was helping us run a
sting on a prostitution ring
downtown. While he's in some run
down motel pretending to be about
to close the deal with some skank,
he sees, in the next room, Alfredo
DiGiannaro.
DANIEL
Alfredo DiGiannaro? Of the
Rataglia family?
NICK
I knew you were smart. Listen.
DiGiannaro is from New York, but
what he was doing in this motel
here in Cleveland was putting a
couple of bullets into Frankie, the
Tooth, Micarandapopuolous.
DANIEL
Who?
NICK
Try and stay with me, Danny, he
killed somebody and Scratch saw
him, that's the point. Now this is
a bad-ass guy, and Scratch is
afraid for his life, but he's
willing to deal. Solution,
11.
NICK/DANIEL
The Witness Protection Program.
DANIEL
Right, I'm not doing it.
Daniel puts his coffee down and gets up, gently pushing Nick
out of the way. He heads back to the coffee area to get
paper towels to clean up the mess. Nick follows again.
NICK
I can think of several good reasons
why you should do it.
DANIEL
That's great. I'm not doing it.
Daniel gets the towels and heads back to the desk, Nick hot
on his heels.
NICK
One, it'll be fun. Two, I know
something about you that you don't
know I know.
Daniel arrives at the desk and starts toweling up the coffee
DANIEL
I don't even know what you just
said.
NICK
I know, that today, is your
birthday. Why didn't you tell
anybody?
DANIEL
Because you probably would have
gotten the idea to throw me a
surprise party, and I hate
surprises.
NICK
Actually I got the idea anyway but
the stripper came down with mad cow
disease.
Daniel shoots him a look.
NICK (CONT'D)
Hey, I'm on a tight budget. The
point is that today, my friend, you
are thirty-seven big ones.
12
DANIEL
That's a mistake in the files. I'm
thirty-six.
NICK
A mistake? Daniel, you work for
the Federal Bureau of
Investigation. Those kind of
mistakes, they do not make.
DANIEL
Hiring mistakes, on the other hand,
NICK
Thirty-seven. That means if you
wanted to join the FBI now, you'd
be too old. How does that make you
feel?
DANIEL
Well, I hadn't really thought about
it, but thanks for bringing it to
my attention.
NICK
Danny! This could be your last
chance fo see some real action!
The toweling up finished, Daniel picks up his coffee again
Nick shakes him by the shoulders, causing more spillage.
NICK (CONT'D)
Come on, Daniel, for once in your
life, live! Take a chance!
Daniel puts the coffee down and towels up some more.
DANIEL
Get this through your head Agent
Dante. I don't take chances.
That's how I managed to get to
thirty-six.
NICK
Thirty-seven.
DANIEL
Whatever. There's nothing you can
say that will convince me to do
this.
NICK
There might be one thing.
13.
Daniel, bemused, picks up his coffee cup again.
DANIEL
Oh yeah? What's that?
McLuder appears at the desk.
MCLUDER
Webster. Chief wants to see you.
Pronto.
NICK
I volunteered you.
Daniel drops his coffee cup, spilling the remainder of its
contents all over.
CUT TO:
INT. THE DEVIL'S BEDROOM
The Devil is busily packing for his trip. His suitcase is on
the bed, and he is moving clothes from his closet to put into
it. Some of the clothes and other items are spilling out
onto the bed. There is a disco ball hanging from the ceiling
and a poster of Charlton Heston triumphantly lofting a rifle
for an NRA promotion above the bed.
Fenderbloat watches the proceedings with dismay.
THE DEVIL
OK, so the Big Guy is going to send
someone after me. They'll come
here first, but of course. I'll be
gone.
FENDERBLOAT
Whom will they send, my Lord?
The Devil pauses and thinks about this.
)
THE DEVIL
Hmm. Probably they'11 send a
couple Hit Angels after me.
They'll torture you, but don't
worry, because you won't be able to
tell them anything.
Fenderbloat looks none too pleased at this. The Devil
continues to flit around the room looking for items to put in
his suitcase.
14
THE DEVIL (CONT'D)
Now where's my camera?
FENDERBLOAT
Torture, sir?
THE DEVIL
Yeah, yeah, ah, here it is!
The Devil retrieves a digital camera from under a dresser and
throws it on the bed, as the increasingly panicked
Fenderbloat watches.
FENDERBLOAT
But sir, I don't like torture!
THE DEVIL
Don't like torture? Fendy, you're
the King of torture! Didn't I see
you just the other day tying up
Frank Sinatra and forcing him to
listen to Liberace perform "My Way"
for forty-seven hours straight?
FENDERBLOAT
Well yes, I like to apply torture,
but that's quite a different thing,
sir.
THE DEVIL
Is it? Is it really? You have to
follow the literature. Fend. It's
all about control. Who's got it?
Is it really the torturer, or is it
the tortured?
FENDERBLOAT
I'm inclined to think the torturer.
THE DEVIL
Ah, Fendster, don't be so short
sighted. Is my bathing suit over
there?
Fenderbloat reaches over to the bed and with two fingers,
wanting to touch it as little as possible, pulls out an
extremely skimpy looking yellow Speedo.
FENDERBLOAT
Would this be it. Sir?
15
THE DEVIL
Ah, yeah, wait'll the little sin
bunnies get a load of me in that !
FENDERBLOAT
You truly are diabolical, sir.
Fenderbloat tosses the Speedo back on the bed in disgust.
FENDERBLOAT (CONT'D)
Have you figured out how you are
going to gain entry into the
program, sir?
THE DEVIL
Naturally, Bloatster! I'm going to
use one of the soulless ones as a
vessel!
FENDERBLOAT
But sir, how can you be sure one of
the empty human vessels we have
roaming the earth will be suitable
for you to enter?
THE DEVIL
Way ahead of you, Bloatmeister.
I've already got a nice empty husk
all picked out.
The Devil makes a dramatic gesture towards the wall, causing
an IMAGE to appear, as if there is a window in the room
looking into a holding cell, which, of course, contains one
Mr. Bob Scratch.
Bob starts looking around his cell. When he sees no one is
watching, he begins to pick his nose.
FENDERBLOAT
Charming, sir.
THE DEVIL
Isn't he, though? The point is,
he's the perfect candidate. No
soul, about to enter the Witness
Protection Program, and... Well, I
guess that's it, but that's all he
needs to be the perfect candidate.
FENDERBLOAT
So you'11 enter his body, go
wherever he goes, and then?
16
The Devil, having collected all of his possessions, starts
shoving them into the suitcase.
THE DEVIL
Then I relax, hopefully somewhere
sunny, stop and smell the flowers
for a change, and just cool my
heels till the heat is off.
FENDERBLOAT
But, this is Hell, sir, the heat is
never off.
The Devil, looking annoyed, stops packing.
THE DEVIL
You know what's Hell, Fenderbloat?
Hell is trying to have a
conversation with you.
FENDERBLOAT
Thank you, sir.
THE DEVIL
That wasn't a compliment, genius.
Look. Maybe the petunias will grow
back and He'll feel better. Maybe
N Sync will break up and He'11 be
too upset to bother with me. Maybe
He'll get interested in roses. The
point is. I'll know. And then I'll
come back, and we'll go back about
our business of helping humans make
each other miserable.
FENDERBLOAT
Very good. Sir. But aren't you
worried I'll tell the Hit Angels
whose body you've entered?
THE DEVIL
Nah, I'm going to make you forget.
FENDERBLOAT
Forget what?
THE DEVIL
See how easy that was?
FENDERBLOAT
Ohm, I'm not sure, sir.
The Devil pats him on the cheek.
17.
THE DEVIL
Of course you're not, Fendatron,
that's why I like you. OK.
The Devil closes up his suitcase and picks it up.
THE DEVIL (CONT'D)
You're in charge while I'm gone.
Don't forget to feed the dogs, put
new sinners in the piranha tank
every four hours, and if Clinton
calls for another extension, remind
him how many times we've gone over
this and just hang up on him.
FENDERBLOAT
That seems awfully rude, sir.
THE DEVIL
That's what being Lord of the
Unholy is all about, Fen-fen.
Another friendly pat from the Devil, and he is out the door.
It SLAMS shut, leaving a bewildered Fenderbloat to ponder his
fate.
CUT TO:
INT. FBI DIRECTOR'S OFFICE -DAY
The FBI DIRECTOR, 60s, stern, is sitting behind his desk.
Daniel sits in front, receiving instructions.
FBI DIRECTOR
I have to admit, I was a little
reluctant to tag you for this
mission. Agent Webster.
Daniel looks around nervously.
DANIEL
I don't blame you. Sir, in fact, I
was thinking...
FBI DIRECTOR
In fact, we'd been starting to make
other plans for you.
DANIEL
Well, that's good, because I don't
really... other plans?
18
FBI DIRECTOR
Yes, well, you've been with us a
long time, and... how do I put
this...
DANIEL
Sir?
FBI DIRECTOR
Do you like working for the FBI,
Webster?
DANIEL
What? How can you say that? I've
given this place the best years of
my life! I've been a model
employee. I mean, that is, I think
I have. That is. I'm just not sure
this mission is for me. Sir.
FBI DIRECTOR
Yes, yes, you've been fine,
Webster. Fine, but not
exceptional. I mean yes, you're
sharp, and a whiz with the
research, but being an FBI Agent is
more than what you do behind a
desk. I've been consulting with
some people, and we actually felt a
change was in order.
DANIEL
A change?
FBI DIRECTOR
Yes, we thought we might move you
to a different branch office, or
maybe even a teaching position.
Something to light a fire under
you, Webster, you know?
DANIEL
A fire? No, no fire. Fire bad.
FBI DIRECTOR
Sure, we knew it would come as a
bit of a surprise, but sometimes a
nice surprise is what we all need,
don't you think, Webster?
DANIEL
No, no surprise. Surprise bad.
19
FBI DIRECTOR
Thing is, Webster, you volunteering
for this Protection assignment made
me look at the situation in a new
light. Made me think finally you
were ready to take some chances.
But now if I understand you
correctly you're not interested?
DANIEL
Not interested! Ha, sir, don't be
silly, whatever would give you that
impression?
FBI DIRECTOR
Um, the part where you said "I'm
not sure this mission is for me?"
DANIEL
Oh, that? That was just idle
chitchat, sir. No, I'm ready. I
can't wait, bring on the stoolie.
I'm in a protectin' mood !
FBI DIRECTOR
Well, I can't tell you how pleased
I am to hear that, Webster.
DANIEL
And I'm pleased to say it. Uh,
after this, I can go back to my
desk, right? No changes, no
surprises?
FBI DIRECTOR
I think if this assignment goes
well it will justify us keeping you
where we have all these years,
Webster. If that's what you want.
Daniel starts to get up
DANIEL
Oh, yes, sir, that is most
definitely what I want. Thank you
sir.
Daniel starts to back out
FBI DIRECTOR
I'll give Agent Dante your
instructions. See you in a few
days. Agent Webster.
20.
DANIEL
Yes, sir, I look forward to it.
Daniel fully backs out of the room and shuts the door.
CUT TO:
INT. FBI BUILDING, OUTSIDE THE DIRECTOR'S OFFICE -DAY
Daniel, backing out of the Director's Office, backs straight
into Mcluder, who is two-fisting doughnuts near the door.
Daniel bounces off of him and spins to face him.
MCLUDER
Doughnut?
Daniel shakes his head in disgust and storms past him.
CUT TO:
EXT. FBI BUILDING -DAY
Daniel is leaning against his town car in front of the
building. He does not look happy. Nick is standing beside
him holding an envelope. He hands the envelope to Daniel.
NICK
OK, this is perfect. All you've
gotta do is drive Scratch from
point A to point B safely, and
you're the man.
DANIEL
Why do I have to be the man? I'm
perfectly happy just being a man.
Nick gives him a supportive pat on the shoulder.
NICK
You'll do fine. Hey, I've got a
little surprise in that envelope
for you too.
DANIEL
What surprise? I know we've
discussed how I feel about
surprises.
NICK
This is a good one. I had the guys
in profiling create a computerized
image of your ideal mate based on
your personnel file.
21
DANIEL
You what? Nick!
NICK
No, no, it's cool. I had them do
it for me too, check it.
Nick whips out a picture of a Pamela Anderson clone, only
even more plastic.
DANIEL
Looks like a charming woman. Can I
go now?
NICK
Just take a look when you get a
chance. When you complete this
mission, you're going to be a new
man. With new needs.
DANIEL
I'm having enough trouble with the
old needs,
Nick claps him again on the shoulder.
NICK (CONT'D)
Good luck, buddy, I know you'll do
great.
DANIEL
(murmuring)
Yeah, yeah, you also knew the
Raiders were going to win the Super
Bowl.
He rips open the envelope.
DANIEL (CONT'D)
OK, better prepare for my fun drive
to. . .
He pulls out a sheet of paper and looks at it.
DANIEL
Miltonvale, Kansas?
CUT TO:
INT. HALLWAY -DAY
Two fat POLICE OFFICERS lead Bob Scratch down the hallway.
22.
The Devil, hiding behind the wall of an intersecting
corridor, suitcase in hand, watches them approach.
POLICE OFFICER #1
So this is the guy ^who ratted out
Alfredo DiGiannaro.
SCRATCH
You would burn quick, fatty.
POLICE OFFICER #1
I think you're the one who's gonna
get burned. Hey Bobby, you know
what DiGiannaro's nickname is? The
Sixth Sense ! You know why? Cause
when you cross him, he kills
everyone you know, and everywhere
you go 'you see dead people'!
Police Officer #2 chuckles. Scratch growls.
The Devil is still looking on.
THE DEVIL
Sixth Sense... that's a good one.
Heh heh. Oh. Anyway, to business.
The Devil fixes a steely gaze at the officers, then throws
his hands forward at them, as if casting a spell. As he does
this, the Officers go FLYING backwards, as if knocked down by
an unseen force. Scratch looks around, bewildered.
THE DEVIL
Scratch! Over here!
The Devil peeks out from behind the wall and waves him over.
Scratch hurriedly runs to the spot.
SCRATCH
Hey, man, I don't know how you did
that, but I...urk!
Scratch stops abruptly as The Devil puts a hand on his head.
With a FLASH, both figures flicker, until finally The Devil
is in Scratch's place, wearing Scratch's clothes, but still
looking like The Devil, without the horns and red skin, and
still holding the suitcase.
The Police Officers have risen by this point.
POLICE OFFICER #1
Hey, where'd he go?
23.
They look around wildly for a moment, then head down towards
where The Devil is standing. The Devil looks at his
suitcase. He winks at it, and it becomes invisible just as
the Officers round the corner and grab him.
POLICE OFFICER #1
Thought you could pull a fast one,
eh. Scratch?
THE DEVIL
I don't know how I ever could have
imagined I could outwit you crack
law enforcers.
POLICE OFFICER #1
You're damn right. And don't you
forget it.
CUT TO:
INT. DANIEL'S CAR, OUTSIDE OF FBI BUILDING -DAY
Daniel is sitting in his car, the envelope next to him. He
looks at it. Looks away. Finally, he can't resist. He
grabs the envelope and pulls out the picture of his IDEAL
MATE.
INSERT PICTURE
The Ideal Mate is reserved looking and apptoachably pretty.
Daniel is clearly taken with the image.
DANIEL
Wow...
Daniel looks in his rear view mirror and sees the Police
Officers approaching with Scratch (The Devil, but he looks
like Scratch in the mirror). Daniel turns around to look at
them, and we can see that it is actually The Devil that the
Police Officers have in tow. Daniel puts the picture down
(face up), as the Police Officers approach the driver's side
window.
POLICE OFFICER #1 (CONT'D)
Agent Daniel Webster, meet scumbag
Bob Scratch. Scumbag, Agent
Webster.
Charmed.
THE DEVIL
DANIEL
Yeah, OK, just get in the car.
24
The Devil gets in the back seat.
CUT TO:
INT. DANIEL'S CAR -MOMENTS LATER
Daniel, looking a bit perturbed, is driving. The Devil,
happy as a clam, is in the back seat.
THE DEVIL
So. Webster. Agent Daniel
Webster. It's so nice to make your
acquaintance.
Daniel is ignoring him.
THE DEVIL (CONT'D)
Seen any good movies lately?
Daniel continues to ignore.
THE DEVIL (CONT'D)
I understand there's a new Steven
Seagal picture coming out soon.
You know, he and I go way back.
Daniel is starting to fume.
THE DEVIL (CONT'D)
Think the Indians have a shot this
year?
CUT TO:
EXT. DANIEL'S CAR
SLAMMING on the brakes.
CUT TO:
INT. DANIEL'S CAR
Daniel swings his head around to face The Devil.
DANIEL
Listen, Scratch. I know all about
you. I know what a cushy deal
you're getting and what you had to
do to get it. So don't start
making chit chat like you and I are
pals. My job is to take you to
Miltonvale, Kansas. That's it.
(MORE)
25.
DANIEL (cont'd)
It's not to be your friend, it's
not to make conversation. So just
sit back there, shut up, and we'll
both be about our business before
you know it.
THE DEVIL
You know all about me?
DANIEL
I know enough.
THE DEVIL
Ah, Agent Webster. Poor misguided
Agent Webster.
DANIEL
I'm misguided? This from the guy
who sold out his own mother?
THE DEVIL
Did Scratch do that? These
soulless vessels are working out
better than I expected. You know,
you create a soulless, inhuman
monster, let him loose on earth,
and you never think he'll live up
to your expectations. And then,
one of them does, and it's just...
The Devil chokes back a tear.
THE DEVIL (CONT'D)
It's just beautiful, really.
DANIEL
What are you talking about?
The Devil notices the picture of the Ideal Mate on the seat
next to Daniel.
THE DEVIL
Hey, who's the girl?
Daniel flips the picture over.
DANIEL
She's nobody.
THE DEVIL
Come on, who is she?
26
DANIEL
No, she's really nobody. She's
fiction. The guys at work computer
generated a picture of my ideal
mate as a joke. I haven't had much
success with wo— why am I telling
you this? Do me a favor Scratch,
just sit quietly for the rest of
this trip, will you?
The Devil strokes his chin, musing. Finally..
THE DEVIL
All right, Daniel, I was going to
keep this to myself, but I think I
can help you. You need to find
love, and I'm a sucker for love
stories, mostly because they
usually end in complete disaster
and heartache. So I'm going to
help you out.
DANIEL
Right, because you're just bursting
with devilish charm.
THE DEVIL
Ah, an apropos choice of words,
Daniel, for you see. I'm afraid I
have a bit of a surprise for you.
DANIEL
I. Don't. Like. Surprises.
THE DEVIL
And wise you are for that, but this
is unavoidable. You see,
appearances to the contrary, I am
not the Robert Scratch you have
been assigned to protect. You in
fact have a much more sacred duty
than you know. For your current
charge, far from being an ordinary
run of the mill dreg of society, is
in fact, the Prince of Darkness,
the Lord of Evil, yes, you. Agent
Webster, are the Federally
appointed protector of none other
than, the Devil himself.
27
DANIEL
(not even remotely
convinced)
You don't say.
THE DEVIL
I do say. And I recommend you keep
your wits about you for this duty,
my skeptical friend, for you will
need every one of them.
DANIEL
Listen, Scratch, this little
charade is cute, but it doesn't
even make sense. If you were the
Devil, who would you have to run
from? Who would you possibly be
scared of?
CUT TO:
INT. HELL
P.O.V. GOD
Looking at a terrified Fenderbloat.
FENDERBLOAT
No, I don't know where he is, my
Lord.
Fenderbloat pauses for a response, which we do not hear
FENDERBLOAT (CONT'D)
No, I'm afraid I haven't seen any
kind of note he might have left, my
Lord.
Another pause for response.
FENDERBLOAT (CONT'D)
Me? You want me to find him? But,
mighty one...
Pause
FENDERBLOAT (CONT'D)
Yes, I'm aware the whole reason you
put me here is to look after him,
but couldn't we just...
Pause
28.
FENDERBLOAT (CONT'D)
Yes I know how much you love
Petunias, Great One.
Pause. During the pause, a look of horror crosses
Fenderbloat's face.
FENDERBLOAT (CONT'D)
You're going to do what to me? Is
that even possible?
Pause.
FENDERBLOAT (CONT'D)
Yes, yes. I'd forgotten, with you
all things are possible, my
apologies. Lord.
Pause.
FENDERBLOAT (CONT'D)
Six days? Who could possibly think
six days is enough time to do...
Ah, yes, good point. Lord.
Another pause, during which Fenderbloat begins to look more
and more glum. Suddenly there is a loud BOOM (God departing)
As soon as it occurs, Fenderbloat looks away, then walks over
to a phone by one side of the room. He picks it up and
dials.
CUT TO:
EXT. MELODY AND HARMONY'S PLACE -DAY
Melody and Harmony's looks like a rural General Store from
the outside. A sign on the door reads: MELODY AND HARMONY—
HIT ANGELS— "Saints We Aint", with a cartoon of a big
mafioso goon, with a halo and wings, beating on some poor
little demon. A phone RINGS.
CUT TO
INT. MELODY AND HARMONY'S PLACE -DAY
Inside is a quaint little office set-up. Behind the main
desk is MELODY ANGEL, who looks a lot like the goon on the
door cartoon. His feet are up on the desk. Going through
some files nearby is HARMONY ANGEL, another big goon type.
Both have gruff voices. The phone is still RINGING.
Melody reaches over and picks up the phone.
29.
MELODY
Yeah, Hit Angels, Saints we aint.
Melody Angel speaking. Yeah... Uh
hunh... Gotcha. OK, it's done.
Melody hangs up the phone.
MELODY (CONT'D)
Harmony.
Harmony turns around.
HARMONY
Yeah, Mel?
MELODY
We got business.
CUT TO:
INT. DON RATAGLIA'S OFFICE -DAY
CLOSE on a Newspaper headline reading: "DIGIANNARO GUILTY--
Scratch Testimony Buried the Poor Sucker, Witnesses Say"
DON RATAGLIA, 70s, tough, broad shouldered, slams his hand
down on the Newspaper.
DON RATAGLIA
Dammnit! They're making fools out
of me. Poopy!
POOPY MORAN, late 40s. Thin, patient, Don Rataglia's
underboss, stands by.
POOPY
I'm right here, boss.
DON RATAGLIA
Poopy, can we not let the damn Feds
get away with this crap?
Poopy looks to the Don for cues as to how to respond. As he
starts to answer, he bobs his head in sync with the Don's,
trying to gauge if he is giving the correct answer or not.
POOPY
Uh y— n— y— no, boss.
DON RATAGLIA
No! We can't!
30
POOPY
Can't let 'em get away with it.
DON RATAGLIA
Poopy, get my boys in here!
Poopy looks off towards the door and double CLAPS his hands.
POOPY
Michael ! Anthony! !
MICHAEL AND ANTHONY RATAGLIA, Asian, thick Italian accents,
twins, 20s, hustle into the room. They are dressed like
gangsters out of the 1920's, with big hats with a feather in
them and pinstripe suits.
MICHAEL
Yeah Poop? Hi dad.
POOPY
Have a seat, boys.
Michael and Anthony grab seats in front of the Don's desk.
The Don addresses them lovingly.
DON RATAGLIA
Michael. Anthony. My boys. My
beautiful boys. I loved your
mother. Your mother was a
beautiful woman. A beautiful
Chinese woman.
ANTHONY
Uh, mom was Korean, dad.
DON RATAGLIA
Shut up! It's that kind of smart
mouth that forced me to have her
whacked! Learn some respect!
ANTHONY
Sorry, dad.
DON RATAGLIA
It's OK. As I was saying. What
was 1 saying?
POOPY
Beautiful Chinese woman.
31.
DON RATAGLIA
Ah, right. Now boys. I'm getting
on in years, and someday soon, it's
going to be up to you boys to take
over the family business.
Michael and Anthony get all worked up over this, they turn to
each other and start giggling and congratulating each other
as if they were just told they were going to Disneyland for
the family vacation.
DON RATAGLIA (CONT'D)
Shaddap! Now, this job takes
responsibility, and you gotta prove
your worth before I can trust you.
MICHAEL
You can count on us dad.
ANTHONY
Just tell us what to do dad, and
we'll do it.
DON RATAGLIA
You're damn right you will, or I'll
have you whacked! Now, as you may
know, our dear friend Freddy Sixth
Sense DiGiannaro...
ANTHONY
Sixth Sense...hehehe
DON RATAGLIA
Shaddup! Freddy was sent up the
river for a long time. He was
fingered by this lowlife rat Bob
Scratch. You guys are gonna take
Scratch out. You got that?
MICHAEL
We got it, dad, you might say we've
got a "scratch" to "itch".
Hehehehe.
Poopy and Don Rataglia stare blankly at Michael.
DON RATAGLIA
That doesn't even make any sense ya
freaking half wit. Doesn't that
not make any sense, Poopy?
Again the head tic dance between Poopy and Don Rataglia as
Poopy struggles to answer his awkwardly worded question.
32.
POOPY
Y-n-y-no sense, boss. Doesn't make
sense.
DON RATAGLIA
It doesn't make any sense! Ya
don't "itch" a "scratch", ya
scratch an itch, ya moron! God, I
thought Japanese kids were supposed
to be smart !
ANTHONY
Kor—
Michael nudges Anthony in the side to shut him up.
DON RATAGLIA
All right, anyway. You kids gotta
find this Scratch character, and...
POOPY
"Scratch him out?"
DON RATAGLIA
Scratch him out ! There ya go ! Ya
see how easy it is to create a nice
double entendre for whackin
somebody? Even Poopy can do it and
he's Irish. Aren't ya not, Poopy?
Poopy starts to head back into the tic dance, then decides to
cut it short.
POOPY
I— I'm Irish, Godfather.
DON RATAGLIA
OK then. So there ya have it,
boys. Find this guy Scratch, kill
him, and kill him messy. Let the
world know you don't mess with the
Rataglia mob without making... a
...me s s.
All stare blankly at Don Rataglia.
DON RATAGLIA (CONT'D)
Just go get him!
Anthony and Michael jump out of their seats and scurry out of
the room.
33
DON RATAGLIA (CONT'D)
(sighing)
There's a lesson here, Poopy.
Never fall in love in Viet Nam.
POOPY
That's my motto, boss.
CUT TO:
INT. DANIEL'S CAR -DAY
Daniel is driving along a relatively empty stretch of road.
The Devil still in the back seat.
DANIEL
OK, so now you want me to believe
that God is a botanist?
THE DEVIL
Not a botanist, a naturalist. He
loves all of his creations, that
includes petunias.
DANIEL
But if you're the Devil— which
you're not, by the way. I still
think you're either a loon or
trying to put one over on me. I'm
just playing along because we've
got sixteen hours to kill.
THE DEVIL
But Daniel, what if I am? I'm not
asking for your soul, I just want
to help you get her.
The Devil reaches into the front and flips the Ideal Mate
picture right side up.
DANIEL
She's not even real.
THE DEVIL
Somebody like her, then, you get
the point.
DANIEL
If you're the Devil, and you're not
after my soul, why would you help
me? I mean, traditionally, Satan
is not exactly known for his
charity.
34
THE DEVIL
I told you. I'm inspired by love.
Plus, I kind of have a soft spot
for losers.
DANIEL
Hey!
THE DEVIL
Plus, if I just sit back here
pretending to be this thug, this
trip would be about as much fun as
a church picnic. I mean, without
the Salmonella.
DANIEL
OK, let me ask you this. If you're
the Devil, you do horrible things
to human beings all the time. God
doesn't seem to mind that all that
much.
THE DEVIL
Well, he does, but...
DANIEL
But what?
THE DEVIL
Well, He kind of prefers the
petunias.
DANIEL
He what? But he created earth for
mankind! To be fruitful and
multiply and all that. He made us
in his image !
THE DEVIL
Well, yeah, but the whole ugly
"fruit from the tree of knowledge"
business really soured him on the
whole human experience. Now He
likes the petunias. They never
give him any back talk.
DANIEL
Wow, someone can hold a grudge.
THE DEVIL
I'm telling you. Are you starting
to understand why I'm here now?
35
DANIEL
You're here. Scratch, because one
sleazeball ratted out another
sleazeball. Don't think I've
forgotten that.
THE DEVIL
I wouldn't dream of it.
DANIEL
I didn't want this assignment.
Scratch. Fieldwork is not my
thing. I'm an Investigator. The
real work is done behind a computer
or in a library.
THE DEVIL
Yawn.
DANIEL
You think crooks like you get
caught by some action hero like
your buddy Seagal? No way, pal
Those crooks get caught up here
Daniel points at his brain
THE DEVIL
I didn't get caught. I came to
you.
DANIEL
That's not the point. The point is
no one gets anywhere in life by
taking stupid chances, and buying
into this wild Devil story even for
an instant would be the stupidest
of stupid chances.
THE DEVIL
Listen, a time is going to come,
probably sooner than later, where
the way the rest of your life is
going to go is going to be
determined by whether or not you're
willing to take that chance. And
if you want to really live, you're
going to take it. Trust me.
36
DANIEL
Trust you? But you're the Dev—
ohhh, OK, I'm on to your little
game. First you get me to believe
you're the Devil. Then you make me
think you've put a hex on me and if
I don't do whatever you say. I'll
be cursed. Nice try.
THE DEVIL
Witches.
DANIEL
What?
THE DEVIL
Witches do hexes. Maybe Gypsies.
Not the Devil. The Devil is the
one with that whole, 'bargain for
your soul' business?
DANIEL
You know. Scratch, you're really
starting to—
Daniel's cell phone starts to BUZZ.
DANIEL (CONT'D)
Hold on.
Daniel fumbles around trying to find his cell phone as it
BUZZES away. Finally, he clicks it on, awkwardly cradling it
in his neck while driving.
DANIEL (CONT'D)
(into phone)
Hello? Yes, Mrs. Delaney, I'm glad
you got my message. I'm going to
be out of town for awhile and I
need you to take care of Benet, is
that OK? Great. Yes please
remember he likes to be fed at 6:20
AM sharp, and he likes his litter
box changed at 7:00 PM. You can
take a little leeway, but no more
than five minutes or so or he gets
very cranky... Yes, hello?
What?... No, no, Mrs. Delaney,
"I'll get to it when I get to it"
is no good. Benet has a very
strict schedule... You
can't... hello? Hello? Dammnit!
37.
Daniel removes the phone from his ear and tosses it on the
seat next to him. The Devil sits up, amused by the exchange
THE DEVIL
You have a cat !
DANIEL
Yeah, so
THE DEVIL
You have a cat, and judging from
your demeanor. I'm willing to bet
it's your only friend! Daniel.
May I call you Daniel?
DANIEL
You most certainly may not.
THE DEVIL
Daniel, I know the cat is your only
friend because he's got to be the
only one who can put up with your
boring, anal retentive, play-it-
safe lifestyle.
DANIEL
You don't know a thing about my
lifestyle.
THE DEVIL
I know everything about your
lifestyle. Believe me. Guys like
you are the hardest nuts to crack
in my business. Drives me up a
wall. I mean, come on, would it
kill you to take a chance once in
awhile? Really?
DANIEL
Right, like ratting out a vicious
mobster so I have to hide for the
rest of my life. Or sell my soul.
Or, wait, I know, how about chasing
a girl through God's petunia patch!
THE DEVIL
That was a mistake.
DANIEL
And you're running from it I See
that's the point. Scratch. You
like to take risks because you
never take responsibility.
(MORE)
38
DANIEL (cont'd)
A real man stands up for himself.
That's something you with your
'devil-may-care' attitude can
never, ever do! I never have to
run from anything.
THE DEVIL
Except the possibility of having a
real life.
Beat
THE DEVIL (CONT' D)
I liked that "devil-may-care" line,
by the way. That's cute.
DANIEL
I need gas.
CUT TO;
EXT. HIGHWAY/CONVENIENCE STORE -DAY
The car pulls off the highway and heads towards a roadside
convenience store/ gas station.
Daniel gets out of the car and starts to pump gas. He is
standing right by the open back seat window, where The Devil
is looking up at him.
THE DEVIL
Can I go in and get a soda?
DANIEL
You stay right there where I can
keep an eye on you.
THE DEVIL
Come on, I just want to get a
drink, man. I'm thirsty! What
could possibly happen?
DANIEL
Let's not find out.
THE DEVIL
(sigh)
You're hopeless.
The Devil gets out of the car and runs towards the
convenience store.
DANIEL
Hey!
39
Daniel starts to chase him, but as soon as he starts, he
realizes he has let go of the gas nozzle. Anxious about
losing gas, he runs back to grab it, then leans towards the
convenience store as if trying to run but tethered to the gas
pump.
DANIEL
Just.. You better not get killed in
there !
CUT TO:
INT. CONVENIENCE STORE -DAY
A YOUNG WOMAN is checking out the snack cake aisle. She
picks up a particularly tasty looking package and examines
it. As she is doing so. The Devil sidles over to her. He
points at the package.
THE DEVIL
I love those.
The Young Woman looks at the back of the package.
YOUNG WOMAN
Yeah, but I can't. Look how many
calories !
She shows him the nutrition information. He appears quite
interested.
THE DEVIL
Hmm. Well, one won't kill you
though.
YOUNG WOMAN
Sure, you say that, and then
another one won't kill you, and
another one, and before you know it
you're one of those women on Jerry
Springer who needs a hydraulic
crane to get out of the house.
THE DEVIL
Heh... Springer. I love that guy.
Seriously though, wouldn't it be
great if you could eat as many of
those as you wanted and not gain an
ounce?
YOUNG WOMAN
Heh. That would be great.
40
THE DEVIL
What do you think something like
that would be worth?
YOUNG WOMAN
Well, they have fat free cakes, but
they just don't taste the same. If
you could make one that tasted like
this, it'd be worth a lot.
THE DEVIL
No, no, no. I mean what would it
be worth to you personally?
YOUNG WOMAN
Hm. A lot, I guess?
THE DEVIL
A lot? A lot meaning... a dollar?
YOUNG WOMAN
Well, more than a dollar.
THE DEVIL
Ah, OK, I see where you're at. So
would it be worth... say... Your
Tmmmrtal Soul?
The Devil bobs his eyebrows up and down and smiles widely.
The Young Woman scowls at him. This guy's a freak. She
moves off, dropping the cake back in its bin. The Devil
stands there looking disappointed.
Elsewhere in the store, a KID is staring at a microwave,
inside which his burrito is nuking. Another kid, JIMMY, is
standing beside him. Both kids look about 12 or 13 years
old. The microwave reads: 58 seconds.
KID
God, I'm hungry. I'd give anything
to have that bad boy right now.
The Devil pops up on the other side of the Kid.
THE DEVIL
Anything? Like, perhaps... Your
Tmmortal Soul?
The Kid and Jimmy eye The Devil with suspicion as a hand
reaches out and grabs The Devil from behind.
DANIEL
Hey!
41.
Daniel, the owner of the hand, spins The Devil around to face
him.
DANIEL (CONT'D)
What exactly do you think you're
doing?
THE DEVIL
Just a little business on the side.
The Devil puts on a pair of sunglasses from a display and
checks himself out in the mirror provided. In the mirror, he
appears as Bob Scratch.
The CONVENIENCE STORE OWNER, a militant black man in his 40s,
watches with interest. b.g. behind The Devil, Jimmy has
removed a small photo from his pocket and is looking back and
forth from The Devil to the picture.
DANIEL
Listen, Scratch, I don't know how
you did things back in your high
crime days, but no harassing people
under my watch.
THE DEVIL
Harassing people? I'm just giving
them what they want! I fulfill
their fondest desires, they give me
their soul. That's been the
arrangement since Noah was in
diapers !
DANIEL
I don't believe this. You really
think you're The Devil, don't you?
THE DEVIL
I am the Devil.
Daniel turns to the Convenience Store Owner.
DANIEL
You.
What?
OWNER
DANIEL
What does the Devil look like?
OWNER
Like the white man.
42
THE DEVIL
See?
DANIEL
He's not talking about you,
THE DEVIL
I don't see any other white men
here.
DANIEL
(to the owner)
Look, I don't mean from a
sociological perspective, I mean
like, the Bible Devil, you know,
the one that you sell your soul to
and all that? You know what I'm
talking about?
OWNER
Oh yeah, I know what you're talking
about. We finally rise above years
of slavery, and you crackers throw
us a bone, let us own a convenience
store here, a hardware store there,
and you think we should drop to our
knees and kiss your feet with
gratitude. Well I'm here to tell
you it don't go like that. I've
earned everything I've got, and I
don't need some Harvard graduate,
suit wearing, smart-ass looking
white boy telling me I sold my
soul !
Awkward pause.
So?
DANIEL
OWNER
What?
DANIEL
The Devil. What does he look like?
The Owner scrutinizes Daniel, trying to figure out if he's
for real. Finally.
OWNER
All right, man. I'll play along.
The Devil. Red skin, pitchfork, big
horns, pointy tail.
43
Daniel turns The Devil back to the mirror and points at the
Scratch reflection.
DANIEL
(to The Devil)
See, Scratch? No horns, no
pitchfork, no Devil. All right?
Just one degenerate squealer with a
mental dysfunction! Now can we
move along, please?
Daniel turns and walks out of the convenience store. The
Owner and The Devil watch him walk out.
THE DEVIL
Can you believe I'm going to have
to put up with this all the way to
Miltonvale, Kansas?
OWNER
Are you going to buy something?
The Devil looks at the candy selection in front of him. He
reaches down and pulls up an armful of candy, dropping it on
the counter in front of the Owner.
THE DEVIL
I'll take these.
CUT TO:
EXT. THE CONVENIENCE STORE -DAY
Daniel is sitting impatiently in the car as The Devil lumbers
out, weighed down by his big armful of candy.
DANIEL
Come on, come on, let's go already.
THE DEVIL
I'm coming. I'm coming.
The Devil gets to the car and climbs in the front seat on the
passenger side, some candy spilling out as he does.
As the car drives away, Jimmy, the kid who was checking The
Devil out in the store, talks on a pay phone. He looks at
the picture he was looking at inside as he speaks.
44
JIMMY
Hey, is this Mikey
Rataglia?...Jimmy....Yeah, that
one. I got some news I think
you're gonna like...
CUT TO:
INT. DANIEL'S CAR -DAY
Daniel watches as The Devil settles himself into the seat
beside him.
DANIEL
Oh, are we riding up front now?
THE DEVIL
Come on, Danny, I thought we had a
moment back there.
Daniel stares at him incredulously. The Devil looks back
into his stash and pulls out some Red Hots, showing them to
Daniel.
THE DEVIL (CONT'D)
Red Hot? They're my favorite.
Daniel shakes his head in disbelief and shifts the car into
Drive.
CUT TO:
EXT. CONVENIENCE STORE -DAY
Daniel's car pulls out of the convenience store parking lot.
Almost immediately, a large white van pulls in. The van is
marked in a fashion similarly to the Hit Angels' office, with
a decal sporting the Angel goon beating on the demon and the
"Saints we Aint" logo on the side.
Melody and Harmony get out of the van. Melody is looking at
a small metal box that is BEEPING and WHIRRING. Harmony
looks skeptical.
HARMONY
Mel, are you sure about that thing?
MELODY
It's picking up residual Devil
energy. I'm telling you. Harm,
he's been here.
Harmony grabs the metal box and throws it back in the van.
45
HARMONY
The only thing this is picking up
is residual bullshit energy.
CUT TO:
INT. THE CONVENIENCE STORE -DAY
The convenience store is as we just left it, with the
militant Owner standing watch, and the various customers
milling about, as Melody and Harmony enter.
The Owner stands up tall and takes an alert pose as he
watches the two rather large angels casing his establishment
After a few moments where they don't seem to be buying
anything, he speaks.
OWNER
Can I help you gentlemen with
something?
MELODY
That depends. You keep your eyes
open around here?
OWNER
Oh, I get it, you think I'm lazy,
right?
MELODY
I was just wondering--
OWNER
No no, I get you, you see a black
man running a convenience store, so
first thing you think is, he must
be lazy, right?
MELODY
Listen, pal, we're just trying
to...
OWNER
No, no, get out. Get the hell out!
MELODY
Hey, I just wanted...
OWNER
I ain't trying to hear that. Get
the hell out before I make you get
out.
46.
Melody stiffens. He doesn't like being threatened. He gets
up in the Owner's face. Harmony getting behind Melody, ready
to back him up if need be.
MELODY
Oh. And how are you going to do
that?
OWNER
How am I going to do that? I'll
tell you how I'm going to do that.
The Owner whips out a shotgun from behind the counter and
points it at Melody, frightening the other patrons, although
Melody does not seem the least bit concerned.
OWNER
I'm going to do that with my pals
"blow" and "your ass away", right
here. How do you like that?
HARMONY
Sir, you need to calm down before
someone gets hurt.
OWNER
Oh I need to calm down? I need to
calm down? I'm the one with the
shotgun, bitch!
HARMONY
Uh, yeah, that's right. That's why
you need to calm down.
OWNER
What? I... Well I ain't calming
down, bitch? What are you going to
do about it?
MELODY
How about I start by making your
head into a microwave burrito.
OWNER
Oh please, why don't you just try
that. Please, I'm begging you.
Melody half turns.
MELODY
(to Harmony)
He said please.
47
Melody turns back and reaches a big paw towards the Owner.
As soon as he does, the Owner FIRES the shotgun. When the
SMOKE clears. Melody is standing right where he was, big
smile, totally unharmed.
OWNER
But... You couldn't... You were
standing right there, and I shot
you, and...
He drops the shotgun.
MELODY
Now are you going to play nice, or
do I have to get rough?
OWNER
Play nice ! I'll play, take
whatever you want. But there's
less than twenty dollars in the
safe -
MELODY
All we want is information.
OWNER
Oh, beautiful. Information. It's
all yours. Take all the
information you need.
Harmony pulls out an 8x11 of The Devil, in his former horned,
red-skinned glory, giving a big wink and thumbs up to the
camera.
HARMONY
Have you seen this man?
OWNER
Hey, isn't that...
HARMONY
Have you seen him?
OWNER
Well, I think I'd recognize that
guy.
Harmony and Melody look at the owner, trying to gauge whether
or not he is genuine. After a beat, he puts away the
picture.
HARMONY
Thanks for your time.
48
OWNER
My pleasure.
Harmony and Melody head towards the door.
OWNER (CONT'D)
Damn, white guys are crazy. What
all this devil crap is about today
I don't know. First those crazy
little white boys and now two big
goony lookin' mothers asking about
the freakin' devil. Must be some
white thing I wouldn't understand.
Harmony and Melody stop in their tracks. They turn back
towards the Owner.
MELODY
Crazy little white boys?
OWNER
Oh, yeah, right before you came in,
one little white boy's showing me
the other one asking me "does he
look like the Devil", I'm telling
you, all you guys are crazy.
Melody grabs him by the shoulders.
MELODY
Which way did they go?
OWNER
Easy there man. I'll tell you.
West, on the highway. Black town
car. Nice, too.
MELODY
If they come back, you tell them
that they'd better turn themselves
in if they don't want Harmony and
Melody Angel opening up a can of
high grade Heaven-sent whoopass on
'em you hear me?
OWNER
OK man, be cool. I'll tell them.
MELODY
Make sure you do.
49
Melody releases the Owner and they walk out. After the DING
of the door chime indicates their departure, the bewildered
Other Patrons of the store look around at each other, trying
to figure out what the heck just happened.
CUT TO:
INT. DANIEL'S CAR -NIGHT
The Devil is happily munching on potato chips as Daniel
drives on. Numerous discarded junk food wrappers abound,
indicating they've been driving for some time.
THE DEVIL
These are good.
DANIEL
Hmmph.
He pushes the bag in Daniel's face.
THE DEVIL
You want some?
Daniel pushes them away.
DANIEL
No!
THE DEVIL
Hey, are you upset?
DANIEL
What do you care?
THE DEVIL
Hey, you're my savior, Daniel! I
want you to be happy!
DANIEL
Yeah, well I'm not. I should be
home changing Benet's litterbox
right now.
THE DEVIL
Well, I'm sorry to drag you away
from that.
DANIEL
It's just... I mean why? Why is it
so important to just go wild and do
whatever comes into your head once
in awhile? It's not smart.
(MORE)
50.
DANIEL (cont'd)
It's not practical. So why does
everyone always tell me I should be
doing it?
THE DEVIL
It's so obvious.
DANIEL
What's so obvious?
THE DEVIL
Daniel. I've been around a long
time. I know from practical, and I
know from wild. Your problem is
you're bored...
DANIEL
I am not !
THE DEVIL
Let me finish! Your problem, is
you're bored, and you just don't
know it yet.
DANIEL
Oh, yeah, great, that's profound.
The Devil's eyes widen as he points out the window.
THE DEVIL
Stop !
CUT TO:
EXT. DANIEL'S CAR
Slamming the brakes on the highway with a SCREECH, finally
stopping on the shoulder in front of a highway sign.
CUT TO:
INT. DANIEL'S CAR
Daniel is looking around, panicked. The Devil is staring
straight up at the highway sign, face lit up.
DANIEL
What, what is it? The Rataglias?
THE DEVIL
I've never been to one of those.
Daniel follows The Devil's line of sight to where he is
looking, out the front window.
51
INSERT
Roadside sign reading Holiday Inn, Next Right! with
accompanying logo.
DANIEL
Hair mussed, heart thumping, stares at the still beaming
Devil in disbelief.
DANIEL
Don't do that !
THE DEVIL
What?
DANIEL
You scared the dev— the daylights
out of me ! Do you know what could
have just happened?
THE DEVIL
What?
DANIEL
Nothing good!
CUT TO:
INT. THE ANGELS VAN -NIGHT
Melody is driving down the highway. Harmony by his side.
MELODY
You see em?
HARMONY
Nope.
MELODY
Come on, black town car, two guys,
how hard could it be?
HARMONY
I heard the guy. I'm looking!
MELODY
We would have had them by now if
you didn't make us wait for you to
microwave those stupid burritos.
HARMONY
But they're so good!
52
MELODY
Just keep your eyes open, they
could be anywhere around here.
HARMONY
Trust me, if they're around here.
I'll see 'em.
CUT TO;
EXT. THE ANGELS VAN -NIGHT
Driving right past Daniel's car, sitting unnoticed on the
side of the road. A few moments later, Daniel's car
reverses, then pulls forward and gets back on the highway.
CUT TO:
INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE ROOM 664 -NIGHT
Daniel and The Devil, each with a suitcase stand outside,
looking at the number on the door. The Devil looks forlorn,
DANIEL
I told you, the room next door was
taken already. What's the big
deal?
THE DEVIL
You wouldn't understand.
Daniel sighs and opens the door
INT. ROOM 664 -NIGHT
CUT TO
Daniel and The Devil enter this well furnished hotel room.
The Devil excitedly charges in, throws his suitcase on one of
the two beds, and jumps on the bed after it.
THE DEVIL
This is great! I wonder what's on
cable?
DANIEL
Don't they have cable in Hell?
53
THE DEVIL
Of course ! I invented cable ! Some
of my best work, although not on
the order of infomercials of
course. That was a masterpiece.
Mwah !
The Devil reaches for the remote and switches on the TV as
Daniel settles in.
DANIEL
So what's the big deal?
THE DEVIL
You know that show with the guy who
talks to dead people? I love that
guy! We don't get that. Or Oprah.
DANIEL
Maybe you should get some sleep.
Hey, where'd that suitcase come
from? I thought all of your stuff
was supposed to be shipped
separately?
THE DEVIL
I've had it the whole time. Guess
you missed it.
DANIEL
I'm a Federal Investigator. I
don't miss things.
THE DEVIL
Whatever.
The Devil jumps up.
THE DEVIL
Hey, I know. Let's go to the pool!
DANIEL
I don't think that's such a good
idea. I should call and check on
my cat.
THE DEVIL
Come on, Daniel! This is why
you're so bored. You have don't
know what a good idea is !
He rifles through his bag and pulls out the Speedo, holding
it aloft.
54.
THE DEVIL (CONT'D)
Come on, you coming?
Daniel considers the Speedo. He opens his own bag and pulls
out two bathing suits. He grabs the Speedo away from The
Devil and hands him one of the more modest bathing suits. He
sighs.
DANIEL
Let's go.
CUT TO:
ESTABLISHING SHOT OF LEONARDO'S
An Italian restaurant.
INT. LEONARDO'S -NIGHT
CUT TO
Anthony and Michael Rataglia are seated in front of an
enormous smorgasbord of Italian food, and eating with gusto,
at a rate and volume highly disproportionate to their small
frames.
ANTHONY
Madon' that's good pasta. I tell
you, no one makes a pasta like the
Italians.
MICHAEL
You know, pasta originally came
from the Chinese.
ANTHONY
We're Korean !
MICHAEL
I'm just sayin.
The boys get down to business amidst mouthfuls of food.
ANTHONY
So how are we going to find this
Scratch guy?
MICHAEL
Well, according to Poopy, we got
people stationed all over Ohio,
with pictures of Scratch, on the
lookout.
(MORE)
55
MICHAEL (cont'd)
If he stops anywhere before the
state line, we'll spot him.
ANTHONY
What if he don't?
MICHAEL
Trust me. He will. In fact, maybe
he already did. I got an urgent
message from Jimmy "The kid who
looks like a kid but is really
twenty-four" Martone about an hour
ago.
ANTHONY
Isn't that kind of a long nickname?
Why not just call him "the kid"?
MICHAEL
Then he'd get confused with Bobby
"The Kid" Denucci.
ANTHONY
Oh. Yeah. Makes sense. So what'd
he say?
MICHAEL
I don't know. I haven't called him
back yet.
Anthony stops eating
ANTHONY
Did you not say this call was
urgent?
MICHAEL
Yeah. Pass the Parmesan.
ANTHONY
And do I understand correctly that
Jimmy "the kid who looks like a kid
but is really twenty-four" is one
of the guys we have on the lookout
for Scratch?
MICHAEL
(mouth full)
Yeah.
ANTHONY
Well why the heck haven't you
called him back?
56
MICHAEL
I gotta eat.
Anthony throws up his hands, muttering to himself.
ANTHONY
Michael! Call the guy already!
MICHAEL
OK, OK.
Michael pulls out his cell phone and begins to dial.
CUT TO:
INT. JIMMY'S BACHELOR PAD -NIGHT
This is a swinging bachelor pad right out of the Sixties,
complete with heart-shaped bed, mirror on the ceiling,
swirling mood lighting, fully stocked bar, and Barry White
MUSIC in the background (think Dudley Moore's pad in 'Foul
Play')
Jimmy (remember him from the convenience store?) is in a Hugh
Hefner type robe mixing a couple of martinis behind the bar
when the phone RINGS. He answers it.
JIMMY
Jimmy's.
INTERSPERSE BETWEEN MICHAEL AT LEONARDO's and JIMMY AT
JIMMY's BACHELOR PAD
MICHAEL
Hey, The kid who looks like a kid
but is really twenty four! How you
doing?
JIMMY
Who is this?
MICHAEL
Mikey, Mikey Rataglia.
JIMMY
Mikey Rataglia? Damn, man, I
called you like four hours ago.
What took you?
MICHAEL
I hadda eat.
57
JIMMY
Ah. I hear you. OK, we gotta make
this quick because I got hot plans
for the evening.
MICHAEL
You dog.
JIMMY
Yeah, yeah. Anyway listen. I'm
almost positive I spotted your guy
at a little roadside convenience
store near the Ohio state line. If
you hold on a second I'll get you
the address.
Jimmy's doorbell RINGS. Picking up one of the martinis, he
goes to answer it. He opens the door to see the Young Woman
from the convenience store standing on the other side,
dressed to go out and looking very sexy. He hands her one of
the martinis.
JIMMY (CONT'D)
(covering the phone)
I'll be with you in a minute,
sweetheart.
Jimmy goes over to a drawer where he starts rifling through
some papers, as the Young Woman makes herself comfortable on
the couch.
JIMMY (CONT'D)
Hang on, it's over here somewhere.
CUT TO:
INT. LEONARDO'S -NIGHT
Michael is still on the phone, listening.
MICHAEL
Uh hunh... Uh hunh... Anthony give
me a pen.
ANTHONY
A pen? Why am I going to have a
friggin pen?
MICHAEL
Anthony !
ANTHONY
Relax, relax.
58
Anthony grabs a WAITER.
ANTHONY (CONT'D)
Excuse me.
He pulls a pen out of the startled Waiter's apron.
ANTHONY (CONT'D)
Thank you.
He pushes the Waiter along and hands the pen to Michael, who
starts writing on his napkin.
MICHAEL
Uh hunh.. OK, OK, I got it. Thanks
Jimmy. You have a good time now,
you hear?... You're going to what?
Uh, Jimmy, I don't think that's
legal in Ohio... No, it's none of
my business. Yeah, right. OK.
He hangs up.
ANTHONY
So?
Michael shows the napkin with the address on it to Anthony.
MICHAEL
I think we're in business.
CUT TO:
INT. THE POOL -NIGHT
Daniel and The Devil approach the pool in all their half-
naked glory, with bathing suits and towels. ALICE and DIANE,
30s, reasonably attractive, recline by the pool reading.
They look up as the two men come in.
THE DEVIL
(under his breath to
Daniel)
Here we go, Danny, your luck is
about to change.
(aloud)
All right ! Woo hoo1
The Devil charges forward and leaps, doing a cannonball into
the pool. Water SPLASHES up, some hitting Alice and Diane,
much to their chagrin.
59
DIANE
Hey, careful there, buddy!
DANIEL
Uh, Scratch?
Daniel points to a sign by the pool reading very clearly: "No
Jumping or Diving in Pool"
THE DEVIL
I don't know if you caught this,
Danny, but I'm not so big on
following rules. Come on in!
DANIEL
I don't think so. It looks cold.
THE DEVIL
It looks cold, it looks cold.
First of all, it's a heated pool.
Second of all, so what if it was
cold? You warm up in a couple of
minutes! But it's not. See?
The Devil starts splashing water up at Daniel. The girls are
amused.
THE DEVIL (CONT'D)
Could one of you beautiful ladies
convince my friend here to throw
caution to the winds and get a
little wet? He won't listen to me.
The girls decide to play along.
DIANE
Come on, pal, go for it!
ALICE
Yeah, get in there!
THE DEVIL
You see that Daniel? Your public
wants you.
Now Daniel is a little embarrassed.
DANIEL
You know what? I'm going to go
back up to the room.
60.
THE DEVIL
Ah, come on, Daniel, don't be like
that.
DANIEL
No, no, 1, really. I'm starting to
get a little cold.
Daniel starts to walk away.
THE DEVIL
(hamming it up a bit for
the girls)
But what about your job? You've
got to protect me, remember? You
can't leave me unguarded! There
are dangerous elements everywhere !
He gives the girls a smile. They are unmoved.
DANIEL
I trust you not to get yourself
killed for a few hours. Remember
we're in Room 664.
THE DEVIL
(annoyed)
How could I forget?
DANIEL
We went over this. The other room
was taken. It's not even normal to
request a specific room. What
difference does it make?
THE DEVIL
I'm superstitious.
DANIEL
See you later. Scratch.
Daniel leaves.
THE DEVIL
Aw, Daniel...
Seeing it's of no use, he turns to Diane, turning on his full
'tempter of man' charm.
THE DEVIL
And how about you, my dear?
Diane looks at him skeptically.
61
THE DEVIL (CONT'D)
Come now. I think you'll find
there's a lot more to me than meets
the eye.
DIANE
Oh yeah? Like what?
THE DEVIL
Like what I can do for you.
DIANE
What can you do for me?
THE DEVIL
I can help you.
DIANE
Help me what?
THE DEVIL
Help you: Imagine the
Possibilities.
As The Devil says this, a yellow AURA emanates his head. It
stretches out until it envelops both his head and Diane's.
As the aura covers Diane's head, her expression changes from
one of skepticism to one of definite interest. The Aura
fades.
Diane smiles.
DIANE
So what's your name, cutie?
CUT TO:
INT. ROOM 664 -NIGHT
Daniel enters, fresh from his unfruitful trip to the pool.
He tosses his towel aside and plops down on the bed. He
picks up the phone and dials.
DANIEL
(into the phone)
Yes, Mrs. Delaney? Yes it's
Daniel. How's Benet doing? Yes?
You're checking on him regularly?
Following the schedule? Oh. OK.
But he's doing well. Good. Good.
(MORE)
62.
DANIEL (cont'd)
Hey, do you think maybe you could
try, you know, like, putting him up
to the phone? Maybe just hearing
my voice would...hello? Hello?
He stares at the now dead receiver and then hangs it up. Just
as he does. The Devil enters, a spring in his step.
THE DEVIL
Get on your going-out clothes,
Daniel my boy! We have dates!
DANIEL
Dates? What are you talking about?
THE DEVIL
Oh, right, I forgot about your
social life. You see, when a man
finds a woman attractive, he
sometimes gets the idea that he
would like to spend time with her,
and show her that she might enjoy
spending time with him. So what
the man does, is—
DANIEL
I know what a date is ! I mean, why
do you think we have them?
THE DEVIL
I know we have them, Daniel,
because I made them, with Alice and
Diane, the two lovely ladies from
the pool.
DANIEL
OK first of all, we're on a tight
schedule here, and in case you've
forgotten, your life is in danger!
We don't have time for dates !
Secondly... those girls agreed to go
out with you?
THE DEVIL
What's so shocking about that?
DANIEL
Well, look at you. You're not
exactly ready for GQ.
The Devil goes to check himself out in the mirror. The
reflection is that of BOB SCRATCH, whose body the Devil
inhabits. Scratch looks a bit better groomed and cleaner
than when we first saw him, but is still no looker.
63
THE DEVIL
Hrtïïïi.
He turns back to Daniel.
THE DEVIL (CONT'D)
The point is, I promised to help
you get a little action. Which I
can do. But not if you don't
cooperate. Don't you want to get
some?
DANIEL
Well, that's not exactly how I
would have put it, but...
THE DEVIL
Of course you do. So let's do
something about it, Daniel! Let's
let out that fun-loving, easy-going
guy that I know is hiding beneath
that "world's most boring human"
exterior !
DANIEL
Don't think I don't notice these
little insults you throw in.
THE DEVIL
Pick out what you're going to wear.
I'm taking a shower.
The Devil bounds into the bathroom. Daniel sighs and starts
rifling through his suitcase.
CUT TO:
INT. HOTEL HALLWAY -NIGHT
Daniel and The Devil are in the hallway, looking snappy.
They begin to walk down the hall.
THE DEVIL
OK, now in the beginning, just
leave all the talking to me. I'll
get things going. Then, when
they've gotten a few drinks in
them, and are more easily amused,
you jump in.
DANIEL
I am really sure that this is not a
good idea.
64.
THE DEVIL
Why, you don't want to get laid for
the first time in, what's it been,
forty years?
DANIEL
I'm only thirty-six.
THE DEVIL
I heard thirty-seven. Either way,
admit it, it would be nice to meet
someone.
DANIEL
Well, sure, of course, but...
THE DEVIL
All right then, so leave yourself
open to the experience, and maybe
something good will happen, hunh?
DANIEL
Even if this works you're not
getting my soul. I'm telling you
right now.
The Devil looks at his watch.
THE DEVIL
You've got nothing to worry about.
I'm off the clock. I never buy
souls after 6.
DANIEL
Good to know.
They reach an intersection. As they start to turn left. The
Devil notices Someone (RUDOLPH STAHL) walking down an
adjacent hallway on the right. Someone he recognizes.
THE DEVIL
Hold on.
DANIEL
What. Have you finally realized
what a silly idea this is?
THE DEVIL
I need to take care of something.
You go on without me.
The Devil pats Daniel on the shoulder and starts to head off
in the opposite direction but Daniel grabs him.
65
DANIEL
What? Are you kidding me? You got
us into this and now you're just
going to leave me?
THE DEVIL
Relax. I'm not leaving you. I
just need to take care of
something. You go on ahead. I'll
join you in five minutes. Trust
me.
DANIEL
You're trying to convince me you're
The Devil and now you're saying
trust me?
THE DEVIL
Daniel. We're turning over a new
leaf, remember? Trying new things,
not being so anal...
DANIEL
Anal? Whoever said anything
about...
THE DEVIL
Whatever. Just go. I'll be right
there, and the evening is going to
go great, I promise.
Daniel is unconvinced. The Devil pats him again, this time
on both shoulders, and runs down the hall in the opposite
direction. Daniel sighs and heads towards the dining room.
CUT TO:
INT. HALLWAY. -NIGHT
The Devil runs back to Room 664 and heads inside.
CUT TO:
INT. ROOM 664 -NIGHT
The Devil runs in and starts rifling through his belongings
THE DEVIL
Camera, camera, where's that
camera?
66
He finds his digital camera and runs back out of the room.
CUT TO:
INT. HALLWAY -NIGHT
The Devil runs back down the hallway, camera in hand. After
a few twists and turns he nearly runs over his quarry,
Rudolph Stahl, tall, late 50s.
RUDOLPH
Excuse me.
THE DEVIL
Smile !
He shoots a picture of a startled Rudolph, and runs back in
the direction he came.
RUDOLPH
Hey!
INT. HALLWAY -NIGHT
More running by The Devil, back to the room.
CUT TO:
INT. ROOM 664 -NIGHT
The Devil runs in, grabs his cell phone, and dials.
THE DEVIL
Come on, come on.
CUT TO:
INT. HELL
Fenderbloat is sitting on the big throne, feet up, eating
bonbons. The phone RINGS.
Spilling bonbons, he jumps up and answers it.
FENDERBLOAT
Hell. Fenderbloat speaking.
INTERSPERSE BETWEEN ROOM 664 AND HELL
The Devil is connecting his digital camera to a laptop in the
room.
67
THE DEVIL
Fenderbloat! I'm sending you a
picture.
The Devil makes a few more adjustments and hits the 'Enter'
key.
THE DEVIL (CONT'D)
Go take a look at this.
FENDERBLOAT
I'll try. Sir, but the machine you
have here is always crashing. It's
the Laptop from Hell.
THE DEVIL
I know what it is, just go.
Fenderbloat walks over to a corner of the room. On a desk is
an orange laptop computer. Underneath it is a label, which
reads, in bold letters: The Laptop From Hell
Fenderbloat turns it on and looks at the screen, which is not
visible from this angle.
FENDERBLOAT
Server's down, sir.
THE DEVIL
(sigh)
The server is eternally down,
Fenderbloat. Type in '9-1-1'
FENDERBLOAT
Really?
Fenderbloat types it in. The screen, now visible, flashes to
a desktop with hell-related wallpaper, pictures of little
devils, pitchforks, flames, etc.
Fenderbloat does some clicking around until he gets to the
AOL screen and the familiar "YOU'VE GOT MAIL" alert. He
clicks on the mail box.
INSERT THE PICTURE OF RUDOLPH ON THE SCREEN
THE DEVIL
This guy look familiar to you.
Fender?
FENDERBLOAT
Let me see here...
68.
Fenderbloat does a few more operations, and now there is a
new picture of Rudolph, next to what looks like a rap sheet,
on the screen.
FENDERBLOAT (CONT'D)
Yep.. Rudolph Stahl, born 1585.
Contract called for him to have a
menage a trois with two of
Shakespeare's three witches--
Fenderbloat pauses to consider this.
SPLIT SCREEN OF FENDERBLOAT/THE DEVIL'S REACTION
They both grimace and shudder.
FENDERBLOAT/THE DEVIL
Brrrr.
FENDERBLOAT
Anyway, you delivered, contract
called for him to hand over his
soul January 14, 1639, yes, he's
been in default for some three
hundred and sixty odd years. We've
called him a bunch of times but he
never picks up.
The Devil shakes his fist.
THE DEVIL
Damn the man who invented Caller
ID! OK, Fenderbloat, I'm going to
get him. Thanks.
FENDERBLOAT
But, My Great Evil Lord, you will
have to abandon your human body to
collect the soul.
THE DEVIL
I know, I know. I'll just have to
hope no one's looking.
The Devil hangs up. He looks around. He goes to the bed and
lies flat on it.
After a beat, THE DEVIL RISES UP OUT OF THE BODY OF BOB
SCRATCH.
As the phantom form of The Devil rises up, the body on the
bed turns back into its normal form of Bob Scratch.
69
When The Devil, now in his old red-skinned, horned glory,
fully rises out, his body solidifies, and he stands beside
the unconscious Bob Scratch.
THE DEVIL
Now don't go anywhere.
The Devil leaves the room. Nearly the instant he does. Bob
Scratch sits up, rubs his head, and looks around.
BOB SCRATCH
What th—
CUT TO;
INT. HOTEL DINING ROOM -NIGHT
Daniel is sitting with Alice and Diane. There is some wine
in front of them. Enough has been drunk that it is clear
they've been there for awhile.
DANIEL
Anyway, after I got my accounting
degree, I took the FBI test, and
got the highest score in my group!
Actually there was one guy who got
a higher score but he flunked the
polygraph, little of the...
Daniel pantomimes smoking pot.
DANIEL (CONT'D)
...if you know what I mean. Got to
have more character than that if
you want to be a Fed! But that
test was no big deal, I mean, try
taking the CPA exam! That one's a
killer, let me tell you.
ALICE
(not fascinated)
Fascinating.
Diane is looking over Daniel's shoulder.
DIANE
Do you think your friend will be
coming soon?
DANIEL
Who, Bob? Oh sure, he'11 be right
along, he just had to take care of
a little something. I'm sure he'll
be here any minute.
70.
No sooner does he say this than Bob Scratch, looking quite
bewildered, wanders in to the dining room. Daniel, quite
relieved, notices him right away. He runs over to the
startled Bob Scratch.
DANIEL (CONT'D)
There you are ! Where have you
been, man? These girls are
champing at the bit, and I'm dying.
You need to turn on some of that
Devilish charm and quick or they're
going to be out of here !
Bob Scratch, who still has not a clue what is going on,
remains silent. Daniel drags him over to the table and sits
him down.
DANIEL (CONT'D)
Hey, look who's here! Bob!
DIANE/ALICE
Hey!
Daniel sits.
DANIEL
So, Bob, we were just talking about
what an interesting life you lead.
DIANE
Yes, I didn't even know there still
were traveling salesmen.
BOB SCRATCH
Salesmen?
Bob notices a fairly full bottle of wine on the table. He
grabs it and begins chugging it, to the consternation of the
others.
DIANE
Um, yes, isn't that what you...
Bob's still chugging.
DIANE (CONT'D)
Isn't that what you said you did
for a living? Selling shoes door
to door?
Bob empties the bottle and slams it down in front of a
shocked Daniel. He wipes his mouth.
71.
BOB SCRATCH
I kick peoples' asses for a living.
DIANE
Uhm, oh.
Bob Scratch turns to Alice and grabs her knee.
ALICE
Oh!
BOB SCRATCH
Hey, you're cute. You remind me of
my mother.
Bob sticks out his tongue and wiggles it around.
ALICE
Oh! !
She pulls her knee away.
DIANE
You know, you seemed a lot more
charming this afternoon.
DANIEL
Listen, girls, Bob's just having a
little fun! Aren't you Bob? Tell
the girls you're joking. Tell them
you're joking. Please.
Bob Scratch gets up in Daniel's face.
BOB SCRATCH
You smell funny.
Diane and Alice get up.
DIANE
I can see this was a big mistake.
Daniel gets up to try and stop her.
DANIEL
No, no, Diane, please, if you'll
just...
Without thinking Daniel grabs her wrist. She wrenches it
away, but in doing so flings it right next to Bob Scratch,
who, chortling all the way, gives it a big sloppy lick with
his tongue.
72
DIANE
Oh! You men are sick! Sick sick
sick !
Diane SLAPS Daniel across the face. Now the entire
restaurant is watching the exchange.
ALICE
Perverts !
Diane and Alice storm off.
DANIEL
Great. Just great. Is this your
idea of a fun time? Of a little
female companionship?
BOB SCRATCH
The loud one had pretty eyeballs.
CUT TO:
INT. OUTSIDE ROOM 245 -NIGHT
The Devil (full Devil appearance) is standing outside
knocking on the door.
RUDOLPH (O.S.)
Who is it?
THE DEVIL
(falsetto)
Room Service.
RUDOLPH (O.S.)
I didn't order any Room Service.
THE DEVIL
(falsetto)
Complimentary turn down service.
RUDOLPH (O.S.)
I don't want it. Go away.
THE DEVIL
(falsetto)
Are you sure? I'm a disgusting old
hag and I'm really lonely.
Beat.
RUDOLPH (O.S.)
Nah. Maybe another time.
73
Beat
THE DEVIL
(falsetto)
I have sis-ters.
RUDOLPH (O.S.)
Go get them and come back.
THE DEVIL
(loud BOOMING voice)
Open the damn door Rudolph!
RUDOLPH
Oh, sh—
CUT TO:
INT. ROOM 245 -NIGHT
Rudolph, in his boxer shorts, jumps off the bed and races
towards the window as the door FLIES open.
The Devil (Full Devil appearance) appears in the doorway, an
unnatural wind blowing past him, his body shadowed in
darkness, he actually looks a bit scary.
Rudolph turns around.
RUDOLPH (CONT'D)
Listen, I can explain. I lost my
karma and I just needed a few
centuries to get on my feet again.
The Devil is across the room like a shot and in his face.
THE DEVIL
Rudolph. You made me put your soul
in collections. On top of what a
pain in the ass that is, do you
know what it does to your astral
credit? You should have been
thinking about your future,
Rudolph.
RUDOLPH
I'm sorry. I'm really sorry, maybe
we can work out some kind of a
payment plan?
THE DEVIL
Goodbye, Rudolph.
74.
The Devil raises a single finger as Rudolph looks on,
horrified. He plants the finger in the middle of Rudolph's
forehead, and just like that Rudolph DISAPPEARS in a puff of
smoke.
The Devil slaps off his hands, a job well done.
CUT TO:
INT. HELL
With a PUFF of smoke, Rudolph APPEARS before a gloating
Fenderbloat. Still mortified, Rudolph looks around in a
panic before looking at Fenderbloat.
FENDERBLOAT
Rudolph Stahl. Welcome to Hell.
Fenderbloat looks intimidating for about two seconds, then
starts to giggle. Rudolph looks confused.
FENDERBLOAT (CONT'D)
I'm sorry, it's just...
Fenderbloat is really cackling now.
FENDERBLOAT (CONT'D)
It's just. I've always wanted to
say that.
Off Rudolph's horrified reaction
CUT TO:
INT. HALLWAY -NIGHT
The Devil is running again, back towards the room.
CUT TO:
INT. ROOM 664 -NIGHT
The Devil excitedly charges in, picks up the phone, and
dials.
CUT TO:
INT. HELL
Fenderbloat, with a new package of bonbons, is headed back
towards the throne when the phone RINGS.
75
FENDERBLOAT
Oh, fudge.
Fenderbloat answers the phone.
INTERSPERSE BETWEEN HELL AND ROOM 664
THE DEVIL
Did you get him?
FENDERBLOAT
Yes, Sire, right on schedule.
THE DEVIL
Yes !
FENDERBLOAT
I assume you didn't get caught?
THE DEVIL
Well, duh. I'm here, aren't I?
FENDERBLOAT
I just think you should be
cautious. Sire. This plan of yours
is tenuous at best.
THE DEVIL
Oh, give me a break Fenderbore!
You don't expect me to behave
myself all the way to Miltonvale,
Kansas, for God's sake, do you?
FENDERBLOAT
Sire, I really don't think you
should tell me where you're going!
THE DEVIL
I'll just make you forg—
The Devil turns to look at the bed, noticing for the first
time that Bob Scratch is gone.
THE DEVIL (CONT'D)
— oh, crap!
FENDERBLOAT
Sire?
CUT TO:
76.
INT. ROOM 664 -NIGHT
The Devil is beginning to panic with the absence of Bob
Scratch.
THE DEVIL
I'll call you back!
He hangs up the phone just as Daniel throws the door open and
enters with Bob Scratch. Daniel is as angry as we've seen
him.
DANIEL
I can't believe you! This whole,
'trust me', 'live a little' thing,
was just a big practical joke!
That's what I get for going with
instincts. Instincts! Instincts
suck !
BOB SCRATCH
You sound like my dog. I killed my
dog.
THE DEVIL
Oh, my.
The Devil hops up and, in similar fashion to his original
transformation, ENTERS BOB SCRATCH'S BODY. Now Bob appears
as The Devil again.
DANIEL
I've had about enough of you.
Daniel petulantly flops down on his bed.
THE DEVIL
Daniel, I'm sorry. There's been a
mistake. A misunderstanding.
DANIEL
There sure has, trusting you. But
it's not a mistake I'm going to
make again.
THE DEVIL
You don't understand. That wasn't
me with you tonight.
DANIEL
Just once I would like to see you
own up to a mistake. Was it my
idea to date those girls?
(MORE)
77.
DANIEL (cont'd)
Was it my idea to abandon me and
then go Manson on them when you do
show up? No. But it wasn't your
fault.
THE DEVIL
I'll make it up to you. Let's go
find them! I'll fix everything.
DANIEL
Forget it. Just go to sleep. Bob.
Daniel flips over and pulls the pillow over his head. The
Devil frowns, helpless.
CUT TO:
INT. THE CONVENIENCE STORE -DAY
Michael and Anthony casually enter the Convenience Store.
The Owner gives them the once over.
Michael surveys the store, all gruffness and bluster, grim
expression on his face.
Until he sees the Slurpee machine. His eyes light up with
joy.
MICHAEL
Hey, Slurpees !
Michael runs over to the machine. Anthony tries to maintain
his tough pose for another beat, but realize their rep is
blown now, and resignedly gives it up. He wanders casually
over to the Owner.
ANTHONY
Nice day.
OWNER
Yeah, for the white man.
ANTHONY
What?
OWNER
Everyday's a nice day for the white
man, but if you're a minority,
every day's another day to be
crushed under the heel of
oppression. You know what I'm
talking about.
78
ANTHONY
How would I know what you're
talking about?
OWNER
Listen, man, we people of color
have to stick together.
ANTHONY
People of color? People of color?
Hey Michael! Is Italian a color?
Michael is busy squirting slush directly from the Slurpee
machine into his mouth.
MICHAEL
Galghgghh.
ANTHONY
My brother says Italian ain't a
color. But I'll tell you what
Italian is. Italian is a race of
good, hardworking people who came
here to this country and never
complained about it, not once.
OWNER
Are you high, bro?
ANTHONY
I don't do drugs. Drugs are for
gutter types. You got a problem
with that? Or do I gotta make it
more clear?
OWNER
Whatever man, you as crazy as the
white folks.
ANTHONY
No, not whatever. You will show me
and my brother the respect we are
entitled to.
MICHAEL
Hey, if I mix the red slush and the
blue slush, I get a purple Slurpee !
You think it'll taste like grape?
Anthony rolls his eyes.
79
ANTHONY
(to the Owner)
OK, forget the respect thing. Just
answer me one question. You seen
this guy?
Anthony pulls out a picture of Bob Scratch.
OWNER
Oh ho, now I get it, you're one of
them.
ANTHONY
One of who?
OWNER
One of those guys from the loony
bin in Miltonvale, Kansas. Those
two crazy guys who were in here
yesterday, that's where the little
hungry one said they were going.
You better hurry and catch up with
them before you miss group therapy!
ANTHONY
Yeah, ha ha, group therapy. Give
me a break. Do we look crazy to
you?
Michael, his face and hair now covered in various slushes,
calls out.
MICHAEL
Hey, look, Anthony ! I'm a frost
monster !
The Owner looks at Anthony knowingly. Anthony rolls his
eyes.
CUT TO:
INT. HELL'S ENTERTAINMENT CENTER
Fenderbloat, large soda and bucket of popcorn in hand,
approaches a door which reads over the archway: Abandon trash
in proper receptacles, all ye who enter here. He gives the
sign a cursory glance, then opens the door into a movie
theater.
Fenderbloat enters and takes a seat right in the middle of
the theater. He looks up at the blank screen in front of
him. He turns around and calls up to the projector room.
80.
FENDERBLOAT
Sisyphus ! Roll it !
The sound of FILM SPOOLING cranks up, and a giant INFOMERCIAL
FILLS THE SCREEN, to Fenderbloat's delight.
FENDERBLOAT (CONT'D)
Ooh, I think this is the one with
hair-in-a-can!
There is a BANGING at the door.
FENDERBLOAT (CONT'D)
What now?
The door CLANGS open, and Melody and Harmony Angel stand in
the archway.
FENDERBLOAT (CONT'D)
Uh oh.
Fenderbloat gets up and tries to make his way to the aisle
not covered by the Angels. He starts towards the left aisle,
but sees Harmony coming down that aisle. He turns back
towards the right aisle, but down that one comes Melody.
Finally he tries hurdling the chairs and going right down the
middle, but the Angels converge and catch him.
FENDERBLOAT (CONT'D)
Easy now, boys, no need to get
violent.
HARMONY
But we love it so much.
MELODY
Yeah, and we're so good at it.
FENDERBLOAT
I'm sure you are, but let's talk
like reasonable people. I take it
you haven't found our horned friend
yet?
MELODY
No, we haven't. And we decided
that maybe you're holding out on
us. You wouldn't hold out on us,
would you Benderfloat?
81
FENDERBLOAT
That's Fenderbloat, and no, of
course not, it's just that the wise
and powerful Prince of Gehenna made
me forget what his plan was, and
he's going to make me forget where
he's going, too, so there's really
no point in you...
MELODY
He's going to make you forget?
FENDERBLOAT
Uh oh.
HARMONY
So you haven't forgotten yet.
FENDERBLOAT
Well, now that I think about it,
it's already sort of fading away...
yes, I think he's making me forget
right now... yep. There it is,
I've forgotten.
Melody clenches a giant fist and aims it at Fenderbloat's
face.
MELODY
Fenderbloat!
FENDERBLOAT
Kansas! Miltonvale, Kansas.
That's where he's going, he's going
to Miltonvale, Kansas. Now please
don't kill me.
Melody drops Fenderbloat.
HARMONY
What'd you think we were going to
do to you. Fender? You're already
in Hell!
Harmony and Melody enjoy a hearty laugh as they walk off,
leaving the ruffled Fenderbloat in their wake.
CUT TO:
INT. DANIEL'S CAR -DAY
It's a new day, and Daniel and The Devil are back on the
road.
82
THE DEVIL
Are you still mad?
Daniel turns and shoots The Devil a glare.
THE DEVIL (CONT'D)
It could have happened to anybody.
Another glare from Daniel.
DANIEL
I'm just mad at myself. I should
have known better.
THE DEVIL
No, no that's not right at all !
Sure, things don't go the way you
hope sometimes, a lot of the times,
but that doesn't mean you give up !
You just have to get back on the
horse! Try and fail, and try
again !
DANIEL
You're just saying that because it
amuses you to see me fail.
THE DEVIL
Well, I won't say that that's not
part of it. But I like you, Danny.
I consider you a friend. I really
want to see you achieve your
potential.
DANIEL
Friends don't do what you did to me
last night. Friends don't betray
your trust.
THE DEVIL
Are you kidding? Friends betray
your trust all the time ! I have a
whole section for betraying friends
in the pit ! Who's going to betray
your trust if not a friend? A
stranger? You don't trust a
stranger in the first place !
Betraying trust, that's what
friends are for!
DANIEL
Heh. It's a wonder you don't have
any.
83
THE DEVIL
Well, neither do you.
DANIEL
I thought you were trying to
apologize.
THE DEVIL
I was. I am. Look, I'll tell you
what. I'm the Devil, right? That
means I know stuff. Ask me. Ask
me anything.
DANIEL
Hmm. OK. Who shot JFK?
THE DEVIL
Melvin Gribble.
DANIEL
I don't know who that is.
THE DEVIL
No one does ! Isn't that great?
DANIEL
Hmm. How many licks does it take
to get to the center of a tootsie
pop?
THE DEVIL
Between six and eight hundred,
depending on your tongue type and
lick intensity. But it's true. No
one but you will ever know.
DANIEL
What's the capital of Uruguay?
THE DEVIL
Asuncion?
DANIEL
Ha! That's Paraguay. It's
Montevideo.
THE DEVIL
Dammnit, I always mix those up!
DANIEL
OK, why'd you pick on Job?
84.
THE DEVIL
He had a smart mouth.
DANIEL
Do you really play the fiddle?
THE DEVIL
Better than that punk down in
Georgia, I don't care what the song
says.
DANIEL
Hm. You might really be the Devil.
Is that what I think it is?
THE DEVIL
Is that a trick question?
DANIEL
No, look.
Daniel points.
CUT TO:
EXT. DANIEL'S CAR
Driving down the highway, passing a road sign that says :
Welcome to Miltonvale, Kansas ! With a happy, smiling Kansan
drawn on it.
CUT TO:
INT. DANIEL'S CAR
DANIEL (CONT'D)
Finally.
EXT. THE DEVIL'S SUBURBAN HOME -DAY
CUT TO:
Daniel's car pulls into the driveway of a typical suburban
house, greatly resembling all the other houses lining the
street on either side of it.
Daniel and The Devil get out of the car and survey the area
DANIEL
Here you go. Scratch. Your nçw
stomping grounds. God help your
neighbors. What do you think?
85
The Devil, ignoring Daniel, starts running around wildly on
the lawn.
THE DEVIL
Wheee!
DANIEL
Hey, cut that out.
Daniel starts chasing The Devil around the lawn.
THE DEVIL
Wheee!
DANIEL
Cut it out. Scratch! People live
here. You're going to scare them!
THE DEVIL
Whee !
DANIEL
Dammnit, Scratch, stop !
With a flying leap, Daniel tackles The Devil. The two go
rolling across the lawn, stopping at a pair of high heeled
feet attached to a very attractive pair of legs.
DANIEL (CONT'D)
Uh.
POV DANIEL
Looking up the legs in question to see the woman they belong
to. This is Sue Ann Majors, 20s, pretty, wholesome. In fact,
she is a dead ringer for the Ideal Mate, from Daniel's
picture. She is smiling and holding a plate of brownies.
SUE ANN
Are you boys done roughhousing?
Because I can come back.
DANIEL AND THE DEVIL
jump up and brush themselves off.
THE DEVIL
Well, well, well.
DANIEL
Oh my God. It can't be.
86
THE DEVIL
What else is new, I do all the
work, and He
The Devil points upward.
THE DEVIL (CONT'D)
Gets all the credit.
DANIEL
Sorry, Ma'am, we were just, I mean,
that is, I was jUst—
THE DEVIL
We're just excited to be here in
your beautiful little town. Bob
Scratch.
The Devil extends his hand. Sue Ann takes it.
SUE ANN
Oh, pleased to meet you. I'm Sue
Ann Majors. I live just down the
street.
THE DEVIL
This is Daniel.
Daniel, clearly nervous, extends his hand. Sue Ann shakes
it.
SUE ANN
Nice to meet you, Daniel.
DANIEL
Me too. Nice to meet you too.
SUE ANN
I brought you folks some brownies.
I know it's a horrible cliche, but
even though its been done before it
doesn't mean it's not nice to have
a friendly face and a full stomach
to keep you warm your first time in
a new place, does it?
Daniel is trying to speak, but no words come out.
THE DEVIL
It certainly does not. Thank you
so much, Ms. Majors.
The Devil takes the plate from her.
87
SUE ANN
Oh, please. Sue Ann.
THE DEVIL
Sue Ann. I'm going to take these
inside. Perhaps you and Daniel can
get a little better acquainted
while I'm gone.
The Devil starts to turn towards the house. Daniel stands
before Sue Ann, speechless. The Devil turns back, observes
the pathetic scene for a beat.
THE DEVIL (CONT'D)
On second thought, why don't we all
come in the house?
CUT TO:
INT. THE DEVIL'S SUBURBAN HOME -DAY
The Devil sits across from Sue Ann at the kitchen table of
this typical suburban home. The Devil is scarfing brownies,
Daniel sits next to The Devil, still staring at Sue Ann,
speechless, his mouth hanging open a bit.
THE DEVIL
(through mouthfuls of
brownie)
So, my cousin and I expect to be
here for awhile, it's good to know
there will be things to do.
SUE ANN
Oh, yes, there's a ton of things to
do here in Miltonvale. We have
three movie theaters, a bowling
alley, and four wonderful
restaurants.
THE DEVIL
Sounds great. These brownies are
delicious, by the way. You want
one, Daniel?
The Devil proffers a brownie to Daniel. Daniel is
motionless. The Devil reaches over and shuts Daniel's mouth
He turns back to Sue Ann.
THE DEVIL
He's had a long drive.
88
SUE ANN
Oh, I can imagine. Where'd you
boys say you came from, Cleveland?
DANIEL
(monotone)
Cleveland.
THE DEVIL
Good, Daniel.
SUE ANN
Is he OK?
THE DEVIL
Oh, yeah, yeah, he'll be fine.
Tell us about this bowling alley.
SUE ANN
Well, I don't want to brag, but I
bowl a pretty consistent 225.
THE DEVIL
Wow, 225, great. Isn't that great
Daniel?
DANIEL
Great.
THE DEVIL
I'm not much of a bowler myself,
but my cousin here can really tear
up those pins. Bowled two perfect
games last year, isn't that right
Daniel?
DANIEL
(monotone, then confusion)
Perfect games. I— what?
SUE ANN
Oh really ! Well, maybe you'll want
to join our league !
DANIEL
Well, actually Ï—
THE DEVIL
Actually he prefers to bowl one-on-
one .
(MORE)
89.
THE DEVIL (cont'd)
In fact. I, myself am awfully tired
from the drive, but maybe you and
Daniel could take in a few frames
tonight? Sort of help him get into
the swing of things?
SUE ANN
Oh, that would be wonderful!
DANIEL
I'm not sure I—
THE DEVIL
He's not sure he's going to have
time to get ready. Isn't he cute?
The Devil gets up from the table, the other two follow suit.
The Devil ushers Sue Ann towards the door.
THE DEVIL (CONT'D)
Why don't you give us some time to
get acclimated, and come pick up
Daniel at say, 6:30?
SUE ANN
That sounds fine. It was nice
meeting you, Mr. Scratch.
THE DEVIL
Bob, please. The pleasure was all
mine.
SUE ANN
Bob. Tonight, then.
The Devil shuts the door. He runs back to Daniel, who
remains frozen in the spot The Devil left him.
THE DEVIL
All right ! In town not two hours
and you already have a date for
tonight.
Daniel, away from Sue Ann's seductive influence, snaps out of
it.
DANIEL
Hunh? Bob, I am not going out with
that woman.
THE DEVIL
What? Don't be ridiculous, of
course you are. That's the girl
from the picture ! It's a miracle !
(MORE)
90.
THE DEVIL (cont’d)
She's your Raison d'etre! I can
see that and I don't even speak
french !
DANIEL
OK, she looks a little like the
woman in the picture, but...
THE DEVIL
A little !
DANIEL
But, one, I don't know her. Two,
I'm not even going to be in town
very long. Three, we already know
what happens when you set me up on
dates.
THE DEVIL
One, of course you don't know her.
That's why you need to go on the
date. Two, So you won't be in town
long. Even better. You can have a
little romance and ride off into
the sunset. Three, that was an
isolated incident, it won't happen
again, I promise !
DANIEL
I'm not doing it.
THE DEVIL
Daniel, admit something. For all
your complaints, you had fun on
this trip. Even the bad date was
an experience like one you never
had before. And as irritating as
it's been, it's also been fun,
hasn't it?
Daniel tries to look stern, but a smile starts to poke at the
corners of his mouth.
THE DEVIL
Come on, admit it, I know you've
been having a good time.
The Devil starts to poke at Daniel a little bit, who finally
breaks into a wide grin.
DANIEL
OK, OK, it's had its moments.
91
THE DEVIL
I knew it ! Your life is that much
richer for having known me, and it
can get even better! Just take a
chance one more time. Trust me
just once. In a few days you're
going to get the call home and I'm
going to be out of your life
forever, so humor me this one last
time, will you?
Daniel considers.
DANIEL
If I do this, no more harassing me
about getting wild and taking
risks, right? This is it.
THE DEVIL
Well, after bowling with a brownie-
baking mid-western girl I think
you'11 probably have climbed the
peak of wild behavior, so sure.
DANIEL
OK then. I'll try it. But this is
the last I want to hear about it.
THE DEVIL
OK, great ! You're on. This is
going to be great. It's all going
to be rosy from here on in.
Nothing else is going to go wrong,
you have my personal guarantee.
CUT TO:
INT. THE ANGELS VAN -DAY
Melody drives, looking grim, with Harmony by his side
CUT TO:
ESTABLISHING SHOT OF THE ANGELS VAN
Driving by the ' ' Welcome to Miltonvale, Kansas", sign.
CUT TO:
92.
INT. MICHAEL AND ANTHONY'S CAR-DAY
Michael is driving the brothers' Volkswagen Beetle, with
Anthony, looking grim, by his side.
CUT TO:
ESTABLISHING SHOT OF MICHAEL AND ANTHONY'S EGG YOLK YELLOW VW
BEETLE
Driving by the "Welcome to Miltonvale, Kansas", sign.
CUT TO:
INT. THE BOWLING ALLEY -NIGHT
Daniel awkwardly holds a bowling ball, approaches the lane,
and rolls a gutter ball. He returns, sheepishly, to where
Sue Ann is sitting and keeping score.
SUE ANN
You've never bowled a perfect game
in your life, have you?
DANIEL
I'm not even sure if I've bowled a
whole game in my life.
Sue Ann chuckles.
SUE ANN
Here, look.
She walks up to join him, picks up his ball, and puts it in
his hand. She walks up to the lane with him and stands
behind him, guiding his throw.
SUE ANN (CONT'D)
You want a smooth motion, and you
want to follow through. Don't drop
the ball onto the floor, make sure
you're rolling it.
As a unit, they release the ball. It tentatively shudders
down the right side of the lane, finally clipping one pin on
its way into the gutter.
SUE ANN (CONT'D)
All right, well you're making
steady progress.
Both smile.
93.
DANIEL
Maybe I'm a little distracted. I
hope Bob's doing OK.
SUE ANN
Relax, there's not much trouble to
get into in our little town.
CUT TO:
INT. THE DEVIL'S SUBURBAN HOME
The Devil is at the computer, munching on candy, which is
strewn everywhere. He stares at the screen, engrossed.
THE DEVIL
The internet may be my best
invention ever. Who knew there
were this many different kinds of
porn !
He munches some candy as his eyes widen.
THE DEVIL (CONT'D)
Is that a water buffalo?
INT. RESTAURANT -NIGHT
Sue Ann and Daniel are sitting across from each other at a
cozy French restaurant. Wine and food are present as the two
chat.
DANIEL
I loved Sherlock Holmes, as a kid.
I used to read all those stories.
I'd pretend I was Holmes. I even
had the magnifying glass and goofy
hat that I'd run around the house
with.
SUE ANN
Oh, that is so cute !
Daniel blushes.
DANIEL
Well, anyway, I guess that was
behind my decision to join the
F.B.I.
SUE ANN
That sounds horribly dangerous.
94
DANIEL
Well, I guess it can be, but I
spend most of my time in the
office. The real crime-solving is
done in the research arena, not in
the field.
SUE ANN
Oh, well that's good. I'd hate to
think of you out there trying to
bring in those crazy people by
yourself !
DANIEL
Don't worry. I'm well-trained to
handle such situations should they
arise. So what about you? What's
your story?
SUE ANN
Oh, nothing so exciting. I'm
afraid. Pretty mundane, really,
not too many surprises in my life.
Born and raised right here in
Miltonvale. Had more than my share
of bad relationships. Been
teaching at the local elementary
school for five years now.
DANIEL
I bet you're a great teacher.
SUE ANN
Oh, the kids seem to like me,
that's important, I guess. I mean,
seeing as how I spend so much time
with them.
DANIEL
I'm jealous.
Both smile again.
CUT TO:
EXT. MILTONVALE STREET -NIGHT
Sue Ann and Daniel are walking home together after their
date. They are close to each other, and both seem relaxed
and comfortable.
95
SUE ANN
So how did you and your cousin pick
Miltonvale to come to?
DANIEL
Uh, just wanted to get away, this
seemed as far from Cleveland as we
would want to go.
SUE ANN
Well, yes, this is pretty far from
Cleveland. What were you two
trying to get away from?
DANIEL
Uhm, our pasts, I guess. Just
wanted a fresh start, really.
SUE ANN
So what are you going to do? Can
you work for the FBI from out here?
And Bob, I don't even know what he
does for a living.
DANIEL
Yes well, he's, uh, between jobs
right now.
The two arrive in front of the Devil's Suburban Home
EXT. THE DEVIL'S SUBURBAN HOME
Sue Ann walks Daniel up the steps to the door.
SUE ANN
Well, I had fun tonight.
DANIEL
Yes, so did I.
SUE ANN
I'm looking forward to having you
two as neighbors.
DANIEL
Uh, yeah, well... Me too. I
haven't met someone as nice as you
for a long time.
SUE ANN
What about your cousin? He seems
like a good friend.
96.
DANIEL
He has his moments, I guess.
SUE ANN
Well, I'll be seeing you.
An awkward beat, and then quickly Sue Ann comes up and gives
him a kiss on the cheek. She then hurries back down the
front steps, leaving a stunned and delighted Daniel at the
door. She waves to him from the sidewalk.
SUE ANN (CONT'D)
Well, good night!
DANIEL
Good night.
He turns, still looking at her, and starts fumbling with his
keys. She laughs at his numerous failed attempts to get the
key in the lock and open the door. Finally, he succeeds.
The door opens. He takes one last look at Sue Ann and then
enters.
Sue Ann still stands there, looking at the place he stood and
giggling.
Suddenly and without warning. Melody Angel grabs her from
behind.
SUE ANN
Whoap!
Melody drags her off.
CUT TO:
INT. THE DEVIL'S SUBURBAN HOME -NIGHT
Daniel enters, happy as can be. The Devil is still busily
clicking away at the computer.
THE DEVIL
Now, I know for a fact that's not
what the Good Lord intended for
Brussels' sprouts.
Daniel walks over and points at a corner of the screen in
horror.
DANIEL
Oh my God ! Is that water buffalo?
The Devil snaps off the computer and turns around.
97
THE DEVIL
Never mind that. How did it go?
DANIEL
It was great! Bob, she's
fantastic! She's smart, she's
pretty, here eyes don't glaze over
when I talk! She's everything I
ever wanted in a woman !
THE DEVIL
Would I steer you wrong?
DANIEL
Well, yes, you would, but in this
case, you didn't. I have to admit.
Bob, you may be right. Maybe
taking a risk once in awhile is
worth it.
THE DEVIL
Now, you're talking !
DANIEL
But you're still not getting my
soul.
The Devil points to his watch.
THE DEVIL
After six, remember?
They both enjoy a good laugh until a loud BOOMING voice from
outside interrupts.
MELODY (O.S.)
The Devil!
The Devil and Daniel look at each other.
MELODY (O.S.)
The Devil! We know you're in
there. Come out with your hands up
and nobody gets hurt.
DANIEL
What the heck?
Daniel draws his gun (of course he has a gun, he's an FBI
Agent !) and runs to the window.
CUT TO:
98
EXT. THE DEVIL'S SUBURBAN HOME -NIGHT
Standing outside the house are Melody and Harmony. Melody is
holding a gun to the head of a terrified Sue Ann, who is
gagged with her hands tied behind her back.
CUT TO;
INT. THE DEVIL'S SUBURBAN HOME -NIGHT
Daniel turns back to The Devil from the window.
DANIEL
They've got Sue Ann ! Who are these
guys?
The Devil looks out the window.
THE DEVIL
Uh oh.
DANIEL
Uh oh, what uh oh? Are these
Rataglia's men? What's going on?
THE DEVIL
They aren't Rataglia's men, they're
the Big Guy's men. They're not
after Scratch, they're after me.
DANIEL
But you are Scratch!
THE DEVIL
Daniel. I think we both know what
I am. I'm the Devil, and those two
guys are Hit Angels sent to bring
me back. And they're perfectly
willing to kill the girl to do it.
DANIEL
Kill her? But I thought you said
they were Angels I Angels don't
kill!
THE DEVIL
Hello ! Ever hear of the Angel of
Death? It ain't death by chocolate
they're talking about.
DANIEL
I don't believe any of this.
99
THE DEVIL
(sigh)
We don't have time for this. Look.
Before Daniel can react. The Devil grabs the gun out of his
hand and walks out the door.
DANIEL
Hey!
CUT TO:
EXT. THE DEVIL'S SUBURBAN HOME -NIGHT
The Devil walks out the door, gun in hand. Daniel follows.
The Devil walks right up to Melody and SHOOTS HIM IN THE
HEAD.
Daniel is horrified, but as the SMOKE clears, his horror
turns to amazement as Melody is clearly completely unharmed
MELODY
Why you wanna waste our time?
THE DEVIL
Sorry, Mel, just making a point.
The Devil walks back to Daniel and hands him the gun.
DANIEL
B-but, it was loaded. I'm sure it
was. I never forget to load my
gun.
THE DEVIL
Of course it was loaded, Daniel!
There was a bullet in the chamber,
and I put it in his head, and
nothing happened. Why? Because
he's an angel and I'm the freakin
devil!
DANIEL
I don't believe it.
THE DEVIL
You have to believe it. We've got
a situation here !
Melody pushes the gun into Sue Ann's temple.
MELODY
What's it gonna be, kids?
100
Daniel pulls The Devil aside, out of hearing range of the Hit
Angels.
DANIEL
You have to give yourself up to
them.
THE DEVIL
I'm not giving myself up.
DANIEL
But they're going to kill Sue Ann !
THE DEVIL
So? I found her, I can find you
another one.
DANIEL
That's not the point! How can you
be so cruel?
THE DEVIL
Uh, Devil, remember?
DANIEL
Oh, yeah.
THE DEVIL
Look, compared to what the Big Guy
is going to do if He gets His hot
holy little hands on me, having
your brains blown out at close
range is going to seem like a
pleasure cruise to Maui.
Sue Ann starts to WAIL beneath her gag.
DANIEL
Bob!
THE DEVIL
Look, Daniel, you don't want me to
give myself up either. You're
sworn to protect me, remember?
DANIEL
I'm sworn to protect Bob Scratch,
not you.
MELODY
That's it. I'm icing this broad.
And then I'm starting in on the
wimp in the suit.
101
DANIEL
(screaming at Melody in a
panic)
Wait, wait!
(Turning to The Devil)
There must be something we can do !
THE DEVIL
Well... There is, but you're not
going to like it.
DANIEL
I don't like any of this! Tell me!
I'll do whatever it takes!
THE DEVIL
Remember when I said there was
going to be a moment, where you
might have to take a chance, and it
would change your life?
DANIEL
Right, and I went on the date with
Sue Ann, and it was great, so?
THE DEVIL
Pfft. That was just the warm up.
Here's the thing, Daniel...
DANIEL
What? Tell me already!
THE DEVIL
You have to kill yourself.
DANIEL
Fine, great. I... what?
THE DEVIL
Suicide. That's the only way out
of this.
DANIEL
Look, I know this situation is
depressing, but I hardly think...
THE DEVIL
No, you don't understand. There
are rules with killing yourself.
When someone commits suicide, the
two nearest angels are obligated to
escort the unfortunate soul
directly to Limbo.
(MORE)
102
Beat.
THE DEVIL (cont'd)
It has to be made sure they won't
escape, or go to Heaven, or haunt
somebody. It's just a rule. The
two nearest angels here are
obviously Melody and Harmony. As
soon as you off yourself, they have
to follow your spirit out of here.
When they do. I'll leave Scratch's
body.
DANIEL
Won't they still be able to track
you down?
THE DEVIL
If I go back into Scratch's body,
yes, they'll find me in a
heartbeat. But as long as I'm sure
never to do that, I should be able
to find a new way to escape.
DANIEL
This is a good plan, except for one
small detail.
DANIEL (CONT'D)
I'11 be dead!
THE DEVIL
Yes, but only for a minute. As
soon as the Angel boys are safely
away. I'm going to bring you back.
DANIEL
You can do that?
THE DEVIL
Naturally.
DANIEL
I don't know. Up until a minute
ago I didn't even believe you were
who you say you are. I'm still not
sure. Now you want me to take my
life into my own hands on your
word?
THE DEVIL
This is your moment, Daniel. I'm
just asking you to trust me one
more time.
103
Daniel looks skeptical.
THE DEVIL (CONT'D)
Remember, sometimes it works out.
And even if it doesn't a hundred
times, the one time it does, it's
worth it. Isn't it Daniel?
Daniel gazes at the struggling Sue Ann.
MELODY
Any last words, honey?
Melody rips off Sue Ann's gag.
SUE ANN
Daniel, help me!
Melody COCKS his gun to fire.
Daniel raises his own gun to his temple and FIRES.
In SLO MOTION
Daniel tumbles to the ground.
Sue Ann watches, horrified. Melody and Harmony are shocked.
The Devil is smiling.
Daniel's SPIRIT starts to rise out of his body. As it does.
Melody and Harmony begin to rise off the ground. The three
of them begin to ascend into the stratosphere.
The Devil runs over to Sue Ann and catches her as she begins
to lose her footing.
IN REGULAR MOTION
The Devil sinks to the ground with Sue Ann and unties her
bonds. She immediately runs over to the unmoving Daniel.
SUE ANN
Oh, Daniel, Daniel!
CUT TO:
EXT. ETHEREAL PLANE
Melody, Harmony, and Daniel's Spirit are floating upward
through smoky ether.
CUT TO:
104
EXT. THE DEVIL'S SUBURBAN HOME -DAY
Sue Ann is still cradling Daniel. The Devil comes over and
kneels next to them. He looks upward.
THE DEVIL
Just another few seconds...
CUT TO:
EXT. ETHEREAL PLANE
Melody, Harmony, and Daniel's Spirit continue to ascend.
There is now a bright light off in the distance.
CUT TO:
EXT. THE DEVIL'S SUBURBAN HOME
Sue Ann still cradling Daniel, the Devil still looking up.
THE DEVIL
Now.
The Devil turns to Daniel and puts a finger on Daniel's
temple, where he was shot. With a FLASH of light, the bullet
COMES FLYING OUT backwards out of Daniel's head, and the
wound closes up. The Dévil makes some more gestures, and
Daniel's entire body is bathed in LIGHT.
CUT TO:
EXT. ETHEREAL PLANE
Daniel's Spirit watches as Melody and Harmony escort him
towards a giant door, also bathed in LIGHT. Suddenly,
Daniel's Spirit looks down.
DANIEL'S SPIRIT
Hunh?
Suddenly, Daniel's Spirit DROPS at HIGH SPEED out of Melody
and Harmony's grasp. They can only look down in shock.
CUT TO:
EXT. THE DEVIL'S SUBURBAN HOME -DAY
Daniel still lies unconscious. The Devil looks at Sue Ann
and smiles.
105.
THE DEVIL
It's been a pleasure. Sue Ann. Be
kind to this one.
SUE ANN
(through tears)
What? What do you mean?
As DANIEL'S SPIRIT DROPS back down into his body. The Devil
STEPS OUT of Bob Scratch's body, causing Bob Scratch to
REAPPEAR and drop unconscious on the floor.
As Bob Scratch falls, Daniel begins to rub his head and wake
up.
DANIEL
Ohhh.
SUE ANN
Daniel!
She covers him with kisses.
DANIEL
Oh, hey.
SUE ANN
But how? I don't understand.
DANIEL
Well this is going to take some
explaining.
Bob begins to regain consciousness. He sits up and looks at
Sue Ann.
BOB SCRATCH
You got pretty eyeballs.
DANIEL
Yes, a lot of explaining.
CUT TO:
INT. THE DEVIL'S SUBURBAN HOME
Bob Scratch is sitting at the kitchen table carving letters
into it with a large knife. Sue Ann and Daniel are sitting
across from each other at the table.
SUE ANN
So you're not Bob's cousin at all.
106
DANIEL
No, and I'm sorry we had to deceive
you that way. Sue Ann, but I
couldn't just come out and tell you
that I was assigned to him as part
of the Witness Protection Program.
SUE ANN
1 guess I can see that, and I
understand that those men were
mobsters here to get Bob, but what
happened to them? And I know both
one of them and you get shot in the
head? And what's wrong with Bob
now?
DANIEL
Well, that gun had blanks. We
hoped that when Bob shot that guy,
they would get scared and run. But
I guess they just thought he
missed. Then we decided if I shot
myself, maybe that would send 'em
packing, and it did.
SUE ANN
Hmm. And Bob?
BOB SCRATCH
I like to eat gerbils.
DANIEL
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
SUE ANN
Hmm.
DANIEL
Anyway, I know this has been a
harrowing experience for everyone,
but I think the sooner we put it
all behind us, the better.
As Sue Ann is listening, she sees something behind Daniel,
and her eyes widen.
SUE ANN
Um, Daniel?
107
DANIEL
I'm sure that Bob here is going to
become integrated into your
community in no time, and before
you know it, you won't even
remember he wasn't born here.
SUE ANN
Daniel?
DANIEL
I just wanted to let you know that
the danger is over, and you can
expect that there will be no more
surprises, and everyone will be
totally safe.
SUE ANN
Daniel!
She points behind him. He turns.
Standing behind Daniel are Anthony and Michael Rataglia,
machine guns drawn and trained on Daniel and Bob Scratch
DANIEL
Uh oh
MICHAEL
Let's go, snitch. You too, cop.
ANTHONY
You guys got a date with Don
Rataglia.
Daniel turns back to Sue Ann.
DANIEL
OK there might be one more little
thing I need to take care of.
CUT TO:
INT. DON RATAGLIA'S OFFICE -NIGHT
Don Rataglia is at his desk, waving his gun at Daniel and Bob
Scratch. Poppy is by Don Rataglia's side, and Anthony and
Michael are behind Daniel and Bob, guns at the ready.
DON RATAGLIA
Give me one reason I shouldn't kill
you right now.
108
DANIEL
I already died once today.
BOB SCRATCH
I like vanilla.
DON RATAGLIA
(waving the gun back and
forth between them.)
All right, that's it. Eeny, Meeny,
Miney...
POOPY
Sir, if I might make a suggestion?
DON RATAGLIA
Poopy. Aren't you not my most
trusted aide? Speak.
POOPY
Perhaps this would be a good
opportunity for one of the boys to
get his feet wet.
DON RATAGLIA
That's a great idea! Don't you
think that's a great idea, cop?
DANIEL
I can think of a few better ones.
DON RATAGLIA
No, I don't think you can. OK
then, how about it. Who wants to
lose his cherry?
Michael and Anthony look at each other, bewildered.
DON RATAGLIA (CONT'D)
Who wants to shoot these guys !
Michael and Anthony nod with understanding. Then, they look
at each other, bewildered again.
DON RATAGLIA (CONT'D)
Come on, someone be a man, for
once. Who wants to take the first
shot?
Slowly, Bob Scratch raises his hand.
DON RATAGLIA
Ah, Santa Maria, I'll do it myself !
109
Don Rataglia gets up, walks around the table, and points the
gun at Daniel's temple, where he shot himself previously.
DANIEL
Could you do the other side? I
want to even things out.
Don Rataglia stops for a moment, baffled by the request, then
snarls and pushes the gun back up against his temple. Daniel
squeezes his eyes shut.
THE DEVIL ENTERS THE BODY OF BOB SCRATCH
As before. Bob Scratch is gone, and The Devil takes his
place.
THE DEVIL
Wait !
Don Rataglia stops.
DON RATAGLIA
What is it now?
THE DEVIL
I want to make a deal.
Daniel looks over at The Devil. He knows something's up.
DANIEL
Bob?
The Devil winks at Daniel.
DANIEL (CONT'D)
(whispering)
You're back! What are you doing?
THE DEVIL
Taking responsibility.
DON RATAGLIA
A deal? What kind of a deal could
you possibly make for me?
THE DEVIL
Put the gun down and I'll tell you.
Don Rataglia considers this for a minute, then lowers the
gun.
110
DON RATAGLIA
All right, an extra five minutes to
kill you won't kill me.
The Devil motions Don Rataglia over to the desk.
THE DEVIL
Over here. I want to discuss this
privately.
The Devil, Don Rataglia and Poopy move over to the desk,
leaving Anthony, Michael and Daniel some distance away to
wonder what's going on.
THE DEVIL
OK. You're mad because I ratted
out one of your guys. But I didn't
know he was one of your guys, and
I'm not planning to make any more
trouble for you. So instead of
killing us and just making a mess
to clean up, how about you let me
make it up to you?
DON RATAGLIA
And how you gonna do that?
THE DEVIL
Your boys there. They need to
learn to take a command role. So
hire me to be their crew. I'll act
like a real psycho, someone who
really needs taming. It'll force
them to learn to be responsible.
You'll get yourself a new employee,
the boys will get valuable
leadership experience, and I'll get
to keep walking around. What do
you say?
DON RATAGLIA
What do I say? I say I'm going to
blow your head off !
Don Rataglia levels the gun at The Devil's head.
THE DEVIL
Wait wait wait ! What about Poopy?
DON RATAGLIA
What about Poopy?
Ill
THE DEVIL
Isn't he your most trusted aide?
Let's ask him what he thinks?
DON RATAGLIA
Hmm. OK. Poopy?
As Don Rataglia looks at Poopy, The Devil also looks at
Poopy.
THE DEVIL
Think about it, Poopy. Everybody
wins here. I'm just asking you to:
Imagine the Possibilities.
As The Devil says this, the YELLOW AURA emanates from his
head and envelops Poopy's head as well. Poopy looks at The
Devil, transfixed. Finally the aura fades.
DON RATAGLIA (CONT'D)
Poopy? What do you think.
Shouldn't I not take this guy out?
THE DEVIL
Hoo boy.
POOPY
Y-n-y-I think what he's saying
makes sense, boss.
DON RATAGLIA
You do?
POOPY
I do.
DON RATAGLIA
All right then, it's settled!
Boys, Bob here is the first member
of your new crew. Congratulations.
Now ice the cop.
Michael and Anthony raise their guns to shoot Daniel.
THE DEVIL
No wait wait wait! He's part of
the deal. You've got to let him
go. He's no threat to your
organization.
DON RATAGLIA
Nah, he doesn't look like a threat.
112.
DANIEL
Hey, what is that supposed to mean?
THE DEVIL
Daniel !
The Devil makes a throat cutting (shut up) motion. Daniel
catches on.
DON RATAGLIA
OK, you, go. Scratch, we talk some
more.
THE DEVIL
Can I just say goodbye?
DON RATAGLIA
Of course, never let it be said
that the Don is not compassionate.
Slamming down a giant fist, the Don flattens a BEAUTIFUL
BUTTERFLY that has flown into the room.
CUT TO;
INT. RATAGLIA FOYER -NIGHT
The Devil and Daniel Webster stand together in the foyer.
DANIEL
I can't believe you did this for
me.
THE DEVIL
Are you kidding? This is the best
party I've had in centuries! For a
boring guy, Danny, you sure know
how to have a good time I
DANIEL
There's an insult in there, isn't
there.
THE DEVIL
Well, come on, Danny, I'm still The
Devil.
The two smile, teary. Melody and Harmony Angel POP into view
on either side of Bob. Bob Scratch COLLAPSES out of The
Devil's body and hits the ground in front of Daniel, but
Daniel is still looking at the now phantasm form of The
Devil. The Devil waves as he begins to ascend with Melody
and Harmony.
113
THE DEVIL (CONT'D)
Gotta go. Remember, Daniel, don't
be afraid to take a chance.
Daniel waves back as The Devil keeps ascending and
disappears.
DANIEL
I'll remember.
Daniel looks down at the unconscious Bob Scratch.
DANIEL (CONT'D)
You take care too, buddy.
He steps over Scratch and walks out.
CUT TO:
INT. THE DEVIL'S SUBURBAN HOME -NIGHT
It is pitch black. The door opens, and Daniel and Sue Ann
enter, talking.
DANIEL
So I said to Mrs. Bersnap, legally
I can't consider your dog missing
until he's been gone 24 hours, and
she says, what kind of Private
Investigator are you, and I'm
thinking, the kind whose most
exciting case involved finding your
lost keys in the freezer!
SUE ANN
Oh, Daniel.
They fully enter.
DANIEL
Man, it's awfully dark in here.
Daniel flips on the lights. In the room before him is a
Surprise Party! There is a big banner in the back saying:
Congratulations, Daniel, Five Years in Miltonvale. There are
a ton of WELL WISHERS and NEIGHBORS. There are refreshments,
presents, and typical party accoutrements everywhere.
NEIGHBORS
Surprise !
DANIEL
What?
114.
Daniel is surprised and delighted. Sue Ann is smiling ear to
ear.
DANIEL (CONT'D)
Oh, you guys, this is great. You
shouldn't have, wow!
Benet the cat jumps into Daniel's arms.
DANIEL (CONT'D)
Hey, Benet, did you know about
this?
SUE ANN
,He helped, but I did most of the
work.
DANIEL
Aww.
Daniel kisses Sue Ann. The neighbors surround Daniel,
congratulating him and patting him on the back, until one
man, Nick Dante, catches his eye. Daniel moves over to Nick.
DANIEL (CONT'D)
Hey man, glad you could make it!
NICK
Wouldn't miss it, buddy.
DANIEL
How've you been?
NICK
Well, it's been tough. You know,
we've been dying at the Bureau for
a good researcher. There's still a
place for you.
DANIEL
I don't think so, Nick.
NICK
Yeah, from what I've heard, you're
making a real difference in this
place. I never would have guessed
a little town like this would need
a Private Investigator.
DANIEL
Well, some of the older members of
the community, you know...
115
Daniel knocks on his own head.
DANIEL (CONT'D)
They can be a bit forgetful.
NICK
Hey, I hear ya buddy. Come see
what I got you.
Nick leads Daniel to a presents table. As he walks forward
party guests converge around them.
CUT TO:
INT. DANIEL'S SUBURBAN BEDROOM -NIGHT
Daniel walks into this dark room. The SOUNDS of the party
still linger behind him. He switches on the LIGHT and sits
at his computer. He flips it on.
The Screen flashes CATASTROPHIC ERROR: ALL FILES ERASED
DANIEL
Oh no !
The Screen shifts, and now there is a picture of The Devil,
sitting in what looks like a Prison community room, talking
to Daniel as if through closed circuit TV
THE DEVIL
Heh heh, just kidding old buddy.
DANIEL
Bob! I mean, you! I mean—
THE DEVIL
I guess Bob is fine. How have you
been?
DANIEL
I'm great! I've moved to
Miltonvale, I've been dating Sue
Ann since you left, we're engaged!
Things couldn't be better. How
about you?
THE DEVIL
Oh, not as bad as I thought. I'm
doing a six to twelve stretch at
the Elysian Correctional Facility.
It sounds tough but it's a real
country club as purgatories go.
(MORE)
116.
THE DEVIL (cont’d)
They said I might be out in a year
with good behavior. Plus I'm
learning a skill. Look!
The Devil lifts a crocheted mini-quilt with a picture of a
Devil and the quote "Born to Be Bad" stitched on it.
DANIEL
That's great. Bob, really great.
THE DEVIL
My pal Fenderbloat's running things
back at the ranch, having a Hell of
a time of it, from what I hear, but
nothing I can't fix up when I get
out. I'm sure.
DANIEL
That's terrific. Bob, I mean it.
I'm sorry you couldn't be here.
THE DEVIL
Well, I'm sure we'll see each other
again. In fact. I've got a special
little corner of Hell marked out
just for you.
Slightly alarmed reaction by Daniel.
THE DEVIL (CONT'D)
I just wanted to tell you; you were
right, Daniel. About taking
responsibility. It felt right.
And it made me think about a lot of
changes I might need to make in the
future. You're going to be seeing
a new Devil, Danny.
DANIEL
I can't wait.
THE DEVIL
Well, ta ta, stay in trouble.
The Devil waves and the screen WINKS out. Daniel stands. He
walks to the door. He starts to leave, then looks back at
the now blank screen.
DANIEL
What a nice surprise.
Daniel turns out the light.
END
Abstract (if available)
Linked assets
University of Southern California Dissertations and Theses
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Asset Metadata
Creator
Berger, Craig
(author)
Core Title
The devil and agent Webster
Degree
Master of Professional Writing
Publisher
University of Southern California
(original),
University of Southern California. Libraries
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Tag
language, literature and linguistics,OAI-PMH Harvest
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Language
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227556
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Berger, Craig
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