Tampoon

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Content TAMPOON
Written by
Jeanne Jo
and Nick Musurca
PO Box 7733
LA, CA 90007
jeannecjo@gmail.com
ON A WHITE PORCELAIN COUNTER
Amidst TOILETRIES and MAKEUP, a TAMPON in a pink wrapper. We
draw closer–
The tampon wriggles, once, like a rattlesnake.
CUT TO:
INT. PINK BATHROOM - NIGHT
MONTAGE of grotesque industrial close-ups of a woman getting
ready for a date:
- Coral-like loofah scraping over skin in the shower.
- A pink plastic razor scraping against leg stubble.
- Eyebrow hairs being plucked out of skin like giant trees
being uprooted.
- Depilatory cream on the upper lip -- a slight hissing noise
as it burns away the tiny whiskers.
- A blizzard of dead skin -- the bottom of a foot scraped
with a pumice stone.
- Dust from a fingernail file.
- A cuticle being severed.
- White lotion being squirted into a hand and slathered over
a leg.
- Skin disappears under a layer of powdered makeup.
- A curling iron smoking inside a hank of blonde hair.
- A hand adjusting her own breasts in a bra.
- Finally, a close-up of the upper thighs, just below the
crotch. A woman’s hand comes in between the thighs and
INSERTS A TAMPON. The tampon string hangs down between
thighs.
TITLES:
TAMPOON
The woman adjusts her underwear and the tampon string
disapppears. The camera pulls back on silky purple underwear
and muscular legs.
We see the legs step into a dress and -
The camera pulls out even further to reveal an immaculate,
gorgeous blonde: MIRANDA (22).
Miranda gazes at her stunning self and then grabs for a
CURLING IRON and carefully curls one more lock of her
perfectly coiffed hair.
The doorbell rings.
INT. CHEERFUL STUDIO APARTMENT - NIGHT
She rushes to the door and opens it to reveal SEAN (28) her
sometimes boyfriend. He’s got a body like an underwear model
but unfortunately he knows it.
SEAN
Hey, sexy...
MIRANDA
Hi! Come in!
SEAN
What are you wearing? You look
fucking hot. How about we take this
off?
He grins at her and starts to pull at her dress. Miranda
pulls away, laughing.
MIRANDA
No, no, no.
She puts on a sweater as he removes his coat.
MIRANDA (CONT’D)
Did you forget about the party?
SEAN
I remembered. That’s why I wore my
good sneakers.
He leers at her cleavage as she pulls her heels on.
MIRANDA
Very nice. Well, thank you for
going with me.
Beaming, she pulls him in for a kiss, then frowns.
MIRANDA (CONT’D)
(breaking of the kiss)
Are you..drunk?
SEAN
No! I had a few beers.
MIRANDA
But didn’t you drive here?
SEAN
Nah, I got dropped off.
He tries to distract her with another kiss.
MIRANDA
So should I drive us?
SEAN
Or better yet, fuck the party.
He is still trying to put his hands under her party dress but
she holds him back to see if he is serious.
SEAN (CONT’D)
It’s just going to be a bunch of
uptight assholes.
MIRANDA
What?
SEAN
Come on, let’s stay here.
MIRANDA
But you want to start going out as
a couple right?
SEAN
(laughs, like this is a
funny joke)
No.
They stare at each other from opposite sides of the room and
the situation.
MIRANDA
Well..if you really don’t want to
go..I guess I can hang out with you
for a bit and then go later.
She takes off her sweater.
SEAN
You are so cool.
He starts groping at her, playfully.
MIRANDA
I know.
SEAN
I’m going to make it worth your
while. Sexually.
She laughs. Sean tosses her onto the bed.
SEAN (CONT’D)
I love you.
This is a first. And it’s what she’s been waiting to hear.
SEAN (CONT’D)
(backpedaling)
I mean, I love you but I’m not in
love with you.
She stares at him, speechless.
Sean roughs up her hair playfully, giving her a noogie as if
she were a 5 year old and destroying her previous efforts.
MIRANDA
Hey!
She breaks free.
MIRANDA (CONT’D)
(long pause)
Excuse me.
She pushes past him, into the bathroom.
INT. PINK BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS
Miranda stares at herself in the mirror, in shock.
SEAN (O.S.)
Miranda? Hurry up baby–I want to be
inside of you.
MIRANDA
Just a minute!
Fuck it.
MIRANDA (CONT’D)
(to herself)
Fuck it.
She adjusts her boobs, swipes at her smudged lipstick and
checks her hair in the mirror, tousling it with her hands.
She opens a drawer and grabs for a FEMALE CONDOM. She sees a
TAMPON WRAPPER in the PINK TRASH CAN. Oops. She turns back to
the toilet and reaches between her legs with both hands. She
concentrates as she fumbles for the string.
She frowns. Where is it? She hikes up her skirt, puts one
foot on the toilet, and dives in with her hands again.
Growing concern.
She sits on the toilet and pulls her LACY UNDERWEAR down to
her ankles.
Wait–there it is. She relaxes as she slips the TAMPON STRING
out between her thighs. She pulls on it.
It seems to be stuck.
She pulls harder.
Nothing.
MIRANDA (CONT’D)
(quietly)
Really?
She grabs the string with both hands and YANKS AS HARD AS SHE
CAN–
POP!
Something rattles and comes loose, and the string starts
reeling out of her like a fishing
line. She keeps pulling, hand over hand–and pretty soon she’s
got two feet of string in her hands.
MIRANDA (CONT’D)
What the––
A knock at the door–
SEAN (O.S.)
Babe, what’s taking so long?
MIRANDA
I SAID I NEED A FUCKING MINUTE.
She keeps pulling the string–and it keeps coming out. String
loops around her feet. She pulls on the string faster and
faster – now she’s hyperventilating – spinning around in
circles in the bathroom.
She slams into the wall. She knocks over the TOOTHBRUSH
HOLDER. String is all over the floor, piled over and around
the lacy underwear.
All at once the string jerks to a stop.
She pulls as hard as she can. Nothing.
And then––
SOMETHING PULLS BACK.
She watches in horror as the string starts to retract back up
into her body. She tries to grab it but the string slips
through her fingers. She tries to step on the string but it
keeps slipping out from underneath her feet.
She’s grabbing, stepping, spinning in circles, bumping into
her toiletry shelf – spilling BOTTLES and JARS all over the
floor where they BREAK and SPILL – slips and falls to the
ground––
––and watches, gasping, as the last length of string gets
sucked up inside her.
Miranda yelps.
CUT TO:
INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT
Sean looks at her in horror.
SEAN
You want me to do what?
MIRANDA
I can’t get my tampon out and I
need you to help me.
He stares at her.
SEAN
Okay, there’s no way I’m doing
that.
MIRANDA
Oh, now my vagina is suddenly gross
to you?
SEAN
That’s different–
MIRANDA
You’ll come over every few weeks to
fuck me, but when I actually need
something–
SEAN
No – look, I value the mystery of a
woman’s body–
MIRANDA
Put your goddamn finger in me and
get my tampon out!
She hikes up her skirt.
Sean takes a deep breath. With extreme reluctance, he extends
a finger and plunges in.
SEAN
What am I looking for again?
MIRANDA
It’s a string.
SEAN
I can’t feel any string.
MIRANDA
WELL IT’S FUCKING IN THERE–
SEAN
Okay, okay...
He pokes around. He feels something. A look of triumph.
SEAN (CONT’D)
Here it is. I’ve got it.
Wait a minute–
SEAN (CONT’D)
It doesn’t feel like a string,
though. More like a––
A string wraps around his wrist and YANKS ON IT – pulling his
entire hand into her.
SEAN (CONT’D)
AHHHHHHHH!
MIRANDA
WHAT THE FUCK?!!!
His arm is getting sucked into her.
MIRANDA (CONT’D)
What the fuck are you doing?
SEAN
What the fuck is wrong with you?
Stop that!
MIRANDA
I’m not doing anything!
Now Sean is up to his elbow in Miranda–
SEAN
Baby–baby–what are you doing? I’m
sorry, okay?
Now he’s up to his shoulder–
SEAN (CONT’D)
Whatever I did I’M SORRY!
MIRANDA
I said it’s not me!
Now his head is being yanked closer to the maw–
SEAN
No! NO! N–
His head gets sucked in.
SEAN (CONT’D)
(muffled)
noooo–mmmmpppphhh–
MIRANDA
AHHHHH!!!
She’s yelling and freaking out as only Sean’s legs extend out
of her, kicking and thrashing-
WHOOSH. He is sucked all the way in.
Miranda sits up on the bed.
MIRANDA (CONT’D)
Wha? What? Did that just happen?
TAMPON
(GRUMBLY VOICE)
Yes...
SEAN
(from inside Miranda)
Baby?? We can go to the party. I’m
sorry!
CUT TO BLACK.

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