University of Southern California Dissertations and Theses

The image of the journalist as loyal, loquacious and lively: Alice Pieszecki in The L word

(USC Thesis Other)

The image of the journalist as loyal, loquacious and lively: Alice Pieszecki in The L word

PDF

Download a page range

Download transcript

Copy asset link

Request this asset

Transcript (if available)

Content

THE IMAGE OF THE JOURNALIST
AS LOYAL, LOQUACIOUS AND LIVELY:
ALICE PIESZECKI IN THE L WORD

by

Traci Hanamura

________________________________________________________________________

A Thesis Presented to the
FACULTY OF THE USC GRADUATE SCHOOL
UNIVERSITY OF SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA
In Partial Fulfillment of the
Requirements for the Degree
MASTER OF ARTS
(PRINT JOURNALISM)

May 2010

Copyright 2010 Traci Hanamura

ii

Table of Contents

Abstract iii

Introduction 1
Effects of Visibility 3
Lesbian Images and Stereotypes 5
Between Reality and Fiction 8
Introduction Endnotes 9

Chapter One: Character Biography 11
Alice Pieszecki 11
Chapter One Endnotes 18

Chapter Two: Alice as a Lover 20
Chapter Two Endnotes 28

Chapter Three: Alice as a Print Journalist 30
Chapter Three Endnotes 34

Chapter Four: Alice as a Radio Personality 35
Preparing for the Audition 35
The Audition 36
The Radio Personality 37
Chapter Four Endnotes 41

Chapter Five: Alice as an Online Journalist 42
Chapter Five Endnotes 45

Chapter Six: Alice as a Broadcast Journalist 46
Hardline 46
The Look 47
A Message 49
Chapter Six Endnotes 51

Conclusion 52
Conclusion Endnotes 55

Bibliography 56

Appendices:
Appendix A: Character Reference List 58
Appendix B: Episode Summaries 60

iii
Abstract

The purpose of this paper is to examine the character of Alice Pieszecki and how
she fits with such mainstream images as the female reporter, tabloid reporter, and
magazine reporter in film, as well as to understand how she uniquely contributes to the
image of the gay female journalist on television. The groundbreaking Showtime series
The L Word (Seasons One through Six) depicts Alice, played by actress Leisha Hailey, as
a writer for L.A. Magazine, a radio broadcaster for NPR Santa Monica station KCRW-
FM, and a co-host on the television talk show The Look. Alice also creates a Web site for
Our Chart, a diagram that shows who has slept with whom and how everyone is
connected, where she posts her podcast, Alice in Lesboland.

1

Introduction:
Effects of Visibility, Lesbian Images, and Stereotypes,
Between Reality and Fiction

Season one of Showtime’s The L Word invokes seven devilishly lesbian and/or bisexual
hipsters: Bette Porter, Tina Kennard, Alice Pieszecki, Dana Fairbanks, Shane
McCutcheon, Marina Ferrer, and Jenny Schecter – a powerhouse coven of beauty,
fashion savvy, professionalism/rewarding careers, artistic and cultural sensibility,
money, rising fame, and blistering hot sex; these ladies smoulder and glide, suede like,
through a fantastic ‘lesbohemia’ of their own design.
1
–Mark W. Bundy

Far more than print media, the movies were the first modern style setters: what to wear,
what to eat, how to sit and stand, what kind of furnishings to buy, how to fix one’s face
and hair…how to behave, how to speak, how to relate to others, how to love and hate,
how to know oneself. Film, in exchange, cannot invent what doesn’t already exist. It
reflects, reproduces, copies, caricatures. It learns from its audiences and imparts to
them, sharing with its viewers a peculiar and intense collusion.
2
–Richard Barrios

Until The L Word, no television show had ever featured bisexual and lesbian
women as primary characters.
3
The lesbian audience had never before had a “modern
style setter.” As Rebecca Kern, assistant professor of communication at Manhattan
College, writes in “Just How Groundbreaking Is The L Word?,” “the images of gays and
lesbians in the mass media, specifically television, have been rare, even in societies
where homosexuality has become more acceptable.”
4

Some experts say that this lack of visibility in the mass media has had a negative
effect on the gay community. The effects are especially difficult for lesbians, where
invisibility in the media is common.
5
“Because mass media often represent a window to
the world for many viewers…relegating certain disenfranchised groups to invisibility can
have dramatic effects on their everyday life,” explains Marc J. W. de Jong, who
specializes in the sociology of sex, gender, and media. “When groups of people do not

2
exist in the mainstream media, they are not discussed, critiqued, or examined by many
people, including key decision makers.”
6

In general, television programs featuring gay journalists have provided more
sensitive portrayals of gay characters as opposed to the representation of gay journalists
in movies. “Individual episodes of…The L Word showed gay journalists who were not
afraid or embarrassed to be gay. And the gay journalist in The L Word even gets her own
series in 2010,” writes University of Southern California professor of journalism Joe
Saltzman, in The Image of the Gay Journalist in Movies and Television 1929-2009.
7

According to Kern, “The L Word offers a point of entry into current
representations of lesbian and bisexual women in the mass media. It is a useful focus for
a discussion on how television may increase the visibility of lesbian lives.”
8

Other than The L Word, television series featuring lesbian characters, especially a
majority of gay characters, are hard to find on prime-time television.
9

3
Effects of Visibility
Over the past decade, queer characters and artists have begun to appear in popular
culture as protagonists and subjects of desire. The emergence of TV shows, films, Internet
sites, magazines, and popular music that speak not only to, but directly about, girls who
desire girls is historically and politically significant. An expansion of public
representations of queer girls as smart and interesting marks an important opportunity to
overcome totalizing pressures of cultural invisibility and commodification towards
nuanced conditions of visibility.
10
–Susan Driver

In the essay compilation American Queer: Now and Then, Indiana University
professor of gender studies Suzanna Danuta Walters writes, “It is assumed that visibility
is an unmitigated ‘good thing,’ inherently promoting awareness and producing
sensitivities. Most people believe that the more lesbians and gays are assimilated into the
everyday life of American society, the more readily straight people will ‘understand’ and
‘accept’ them.”
11

But this “visibility” may have consequences. With the new visibility of lesbians
on television, negative stereotypes and images of the gay community become more
visible, too. Walters writes,
Gay life and identity, defined so much by the problems of invisibility,
subliminal coding, double entendres, and double lives, has now taken on
the dubious distinction of public spectacle. But beyond the odes to
openness, diversity, and ‘tolerance,’ few (except on the right of course!)
have questioned the value of this almost obsessive fascination with gay
life. At first glance, these stunning changes seem all for the good. But if
gays seem like the paragons of trendiness, then they are being
simultaneously depicted as the very anti-Christ, the sign of a culture in
decay, a society in ruins, the perverse eclipse of rational modernity. As
religious fundamentalism grows, becomes mainstream and legitimate, so
too does hard-edged homophobia.
12

She explains that as with all minority groups, sudden visibility leads to complex
processes for the individuals who make up the gay community. It can be liberating for
some, as liberation cannot come about if one is closeted. However, she adds,

4
Yet the glare of commercial culture can often produce a new kind of
invisibility, itself supported by a relentless march toward assimilation. The
debates about assimilation are as old as the movement itself…If the enemy
was once perceived as invisibility itself, then how is an enemy defined in
an era of increased visibility? Is the penetrating gaze of the popular a sign
of public acceptance or, rather, the construction of the homosexual as
commodity fetish, as sideshow freak?
13

The new era of visibility not only provides opportunities for liberation, but also
introduces a multitude of fresh problems. “The gap between new expectations and old
realities can produce a postmodern funnyhouse of the soul, as gays live out the paradoxes
of our times,”
14
Walters notes.

5
Lesbian Images and Stereotypes
‘You are not a human like the rest of us. There wasn’t enough material to make a man of
you and for a woman you’ve got too much brain. That’s why you are so queer!’ I could
have invented this quote as the most common abuse hurled at lesbians, directly or
indirectly: subhuman, a bad imitation of men, in excess of something or other – too
aggressive, too sexual, too strong, too intelligent, too rebellious – to qualify as a
woman.
15

One could argue, and it would be a straight man or woman and/or a privileged lesbian
who would do so, that with the recent plethora of ‘lesbian chic’ articles in the national
papers and magazines, lesbians have achieved mainstream acceptance. But as Suzanne
Moore recently wrote, ‘woe betide you if your life extends beyond that of a glossy
magazine.’
16
–Nina Rapi

The 1990s presented the idea of lesbianism as something that was stylish,
fashionable, and fun.
17
This was the polar opposite of past caricatures of lesbians as being
“the fat, hairy, ugly sisters of feminism.”
18
According to Cherry Smyth in Beyond Queer
Cinema: It’s in Her Kiss, a new image of the lesbian has been invented. Smyth writes,
“Gone are the dungarees and man-hating slogans. The new lesbian doesn’t bite or
scratch, she even wants to have babies and she’s just like me and you…Have they finally
taken the outlaw out of being out?”
19
One major notion that went public and seemed to
help gain general acceptance for lesbians was when Louise Guinness wrote in the
Evening Standard that women are lesbians not because they hate men, but because they
love women.
20

The women in The L Word are no exception. “The L Word’s lesbian plots…are all
evidence that girls are getting it on with girls (as well as butch girls and transboys) like
never before within corporate media spectacles,” writes Driver in Queer Girls and
Popular Culture. “As glamorous erotic spectacles and marketable hip signs of
transgression, queer girls seem to have gained a great deal of currency today, becoming

6
palatable and intriguing to mainstream audiences.”
21
In fact, lesbians in general are
treated more favorably in films and television than are gay men; lesbians with feminine
characteristics are treated the most favorably.
22

Mostly because of mainstream television cable series such as The L Word, adult
lesbian women have come to be the embodiment of “sexuality and elicit erotic
fascination.”
23
With this new image, the lesbian woman also has been made into an object
of desire for straight audiences.
24
This is where The L Word becomes criticized, as all of
the women are physically attractive and characteristically feminine. One critic called the
series ‘butch phobic.’
25

A myth surrounding homosexuality that is not dispelled by the majority of women
in The L Word, and especially not by the central character Alice Pieszecki herself, is the
expectation of sexual promiscuity. “Expectations of sexual promiscuity as normative
homosexual behaviour are consequently embedded or implied in mainstream storytelling,
defining the myth and thereby making vivid the archetypal identity,”
26
argues Christopher
Pullen in Gay Identity, New Storytelling and the Media. Indeed, only one couple is
portrayed as monogamous from the beginning to the end of the series, and even they are
burdened by affairs and sexual desires concerning individuals other than their partner.
Although there may be faults within The L Word’s portrayal of lesbians, it is an
immense step up from the major characteristics of “mad, bad, sad and predatory”
portrayed by the majority of other television lesbians.
27
The television show’s portrayal
of lesbians as hip, smart, and interesting has changed the norms of what a “lesbian” looks
and acts like.

7
Actress Leisha Hailey has said it was difficult preparing to play the character of
Alice because she did not have any actresses to model herself after. “I didn’t have any
representation of somebody gay on TV so I would go into this sort of fantasy world when
I watched television…It just goes to show that when you’re left with nothing you have to
sort of make due,”
28
she said.

8
Between Fiction and Reality
The popularity of the series proves that the visibility of lesbians has increased, as
the show has been renewed for six seasons and a spin-off featuring the bisexual/lesbian
journalist Alice Pieszecki is scheduled to launch in the near future. However, even with
an increased visibility of bisexuality and homosexuality, the image of Alice’s journalist
character functions in a gray area all her own.
Blurring the line between fiction and reality, the show has spawned dozens of fan
Web sites and Showtime even created a real-life version of Alice’s social networking site,
Our Chart. As co-creator Ilene Chaiken states in a message to Web site visitors, “Our
Chart came into existence…because of you, this incredible community — Our
Community — that has coalesced and congregated around The L Word. You came
together with dynamic visibility and with many voices and opinions and ideas that
seemed, in a way, unprecedented.”
29

In this fiction-to-reality move made by Showtime, Alice begins to identify with
Murphy Brown in that both the character and the character’s ideas begin to obliterate the
fine line between reality and fiction.
30

9
Introduction Endnotes

1
Mark W. Bundy, Lipstick Leviathans: Demonologies of the lesbian body in The L Word, article
in Reading The L Word, edited by Kim Akass and Janet McCabe (I.B. Tauris & Co Ltd, NY,
2006), p. 70.

2
Richard Barrios, Screened Out (Routledge, 2005), p. 2.
3
Rebecca Kern, “Just How Groundbreaking Is The L-Word? Lesbians and the Future of
Television”, peer-reviewed conference paper, National Communication Association Conference,
p. 5.

4
Ibid.
5
Marc J. W. de Jong, From Invisibility to Subversion, article in News and Sexuality: Media
Portraits of Diversity, edited by Laura Castaneda and Shannon Campbell (Sage Publications, Inc.,
Thousand Oaks, CA, 2006), p. 39.

6
Ibid.
7
Joe Saltzman, The Image of the Gay Journalist in Movies & Television 1929-2009
(www.IJPC.org, 2009), http://ijpc.org/ijpc%20the%20image%20of%20the%20gay
%20journalist.htm (accessed January 2010).

8
Kern, p. 3.
9
de Jong, p. 39.
10
Susan Driver, Queer Girls and Popular Culture (Peter Lang Publishing Inc., New York, NY,
2007), p. 12.

11
Suzanna Danuta Walters, Take My Domestic Partner, Please: Gays and Marriage in the Era of
the Visible, article in American Queer: Now and Then, edited by David Shneer and Caryn Aviv
(Paradigm Publishers, Boulder, CO, 2006), p. 132.

12
Ibid.
13
Ibid, p. 133.
14
Ibid.
15
Nina Rapi, ‘That’s Why You Are So Queer’: The Representation of Lesbian Sexuality in the
Theatre, article in Daring to Dissent, edited by Liz Gibbs (Cassell, New York, NY, 1994), p. 37.

16
Ibid, p. 38.

10

17
Veronica Groocock, Lesbian Journalism: Mainstream and Alternative Press, article in Daring
to Dissent, edited by Liz Gibbs (Cassell, New York, NY, 1994), p. 106.
18
Cherry Smyth, Beyond Queer Cinema: It’s in Her Kiss, article in Daring to Dissent, edited by
Liz Gibbs (Cassell, New York, NY, 1994), p. 194.

19
Ibid.
20
Groocock, p. 107.
21
Driver, p. 8.
22
Joe Saltzman, The Image of the Gay Journalist in Movies & Television 1929-2009
(www.IJPC.org, 2009), http://ijpc.org/ijpc%20the%20image%20of%20the%20gay
%20journalist.htm (accessed January 2010).

23
Ibid, p. 58.
24
Ibid, p. 8.
25
de Jong, p. 272.
26
Chrisopher Pullen, Gay Identity: New Storytelling and the Media (Palgrave Macmillan, New
York, NY, 2009), p. 19.

27
Gibbs, p. 5.
28
http://www.l-word.com/transcripts/tx/2x00itl.html
29
SHO.Com, (www.sho.com). http://www.sho.com/site/lword/community.do (accessed March
2009) “Our Chart came into existence over two years ago because of you, this incredible
community — Our Community — that has coalesced and congregated around The L Word. You
came together with dynamic visibility and with many voices and opinions and ideas that seemed,
in a way, unprecedented.”

30
Joe Saltzman, Sob Sisters: The Image of the Female Journalist in Popular Culture,
(www.IJPC.org, 2003), p. 6. http://www.ijpc.org/sobsessay.pdf (accessed March 2009).

11
Chapter One:
Character Biography

The average heterosexual thespian still holds on to absurd and ludicrous views of
lesbians, for example that they are ‘too ugly’ to get a man, are ‘sad and lonely’ or
‘doomed’ in one way or another, hate their father, never have sex or are sex-obsessed
and would have any straight woman!
31
–Nina Rapi

The individual creates a relationship with the persona and discourse of the star, and
through this audiences are able to examine aspects of their own personal life, and relate
these diverse features from the projection of the public figure.
32
–Christopher Pullen

Alice Pieszecki is a twenty-something journalist
33
living in Los Angeles. She is
constantly shown socializing in the city and resembles the image of journalists as a
“[creature] of the city familiar with its fast pace, crowds, and the opportunities to get
ahead
34
.”
At first she is a self-professed bisexual.
35
However, in the third season, she speaks
to her dying girlfriend, Dana, and says, “You’re right. Bisexuality is gross. I see it
now.”
36

In season four, Tina says to Alice, “I think I remember you lurking around there
[in heteroville] a couple of years ago.” Alice replies, “But I did come to my senses, see
that’s the difference between you and me.”
37

In an interview with Sarah Warn for the Web site Afterellen.com, Guinevere
Turner, a writer for the show, said, “I think people forget she’s bisexual. Our joke about
her character is that she always says she’s bisexual, but she really isn’t, she just wants to
be like, ‘I’m open to anything,’ because she’s that kind of person.”
38
Alice is not shy
about showcasing her homosexuality to the public, especially by the end of the series.
39

12
In this way, she fits with the role of lesbians in film in the year 1933, who were
increasingly “more conspicuous, more titillating, more forward.”
40

In the foreword to Reading The L Word: Outing Contemporary Television,
theorist Eve Sedgwick writes, “Alice uses fatuously knowing Valley-girl syntax; her
body has the easy expressiveness of a five-year-old’s; her dark eyes are deep holes in the
surface of her blonde, oddly ravaged face.”
41

If there is a party, group meeting at local coffee shop The Planet, or any “fun”
social activity, viewers can count on Alice being there. She has an enormous amount of
free time and very flexible hours compared to all her friends, especially the older
characters like Bette and Tina, who work morning to night on most days and are usually
always shown wearing stylish professional attire.
At the outset of the series, Alice usually can be found in blue jeans and a colorful
tank top. As the series progresses, she wears flowery prints and loose, sheer fabrics. By
the end of the series, she has become much more feminine and stylish, wearing red
lipstick, sophisticated jewelry and expensive-looking dresses, earning herself the No. 6
spot in Entertainment Weekly’s “TV’s Most Stylish Characters of ’08” list
42
.
Throughout all six seasons, Alice is usually the most upbeat character, regardless
of what happens in the episode.
43
She often brings the comic relief to serious or tragic
events. “It’s one of the best-kept secrets that lesbians have a sense of humour, far keener
and more enduring than we’re ever given credit for,” writes Rose Collis in Screened Out:
Lesbians and Television. “Mercifully, we have been spared the extreme stereotypes of
gay men seen so often in comedy…In fact, as far as television comedy goes, lesbians
have often come out more positively.”
44

13
Alice not only uses her humor to soften the blow of life’s hardships for the other
characters; she softens the blow for viewers, too. As Turner said, “Alice is the easiest and
most fun to write for, because she’s funny…But also because she’s an easy character,
lower on the drama and higher on quips. She gets to be the voice of the single woman
about town, and it’s fun.”
45

In The Image of Journalists in Contemporary Film, Howard Good, professor of
journalism at State University of New York, writes, “Reporters are associated in a lot of
people’s minds more with one-liners than bylines. And for good reason. The Hollywood
reporter was issued a quick, mordant wit along with his own press pass.”
46
Alice is sweet
but quick-witted, always having the perfect comeback to any remark, no matter how
caustic. When she becomes upset that Jenny wrote a character in her story that seems to
paint an unflattering portrait of Alice, she confronts Jenny about it, who says as a writer,
Alice should understand that life inspires art. “Just a second. You guys? Do you…do you
hear that?” asks Jenny. “Oh my God, it’s Monet! Monet’s come back from the dead and
he wants me to give you a message! He says, I am so sorry for sitting in front of my pond
in France and sketching those water lilies and using the water lilies as actual inspiration,
sorry to offend, Alice,” says Jenny. Without missing a beat, Alice responds, “Right. Wait,
hey, he’s talking to me! It’s so weird! Huh?” She takes a deep breath and looks straight at
Jenny. “Ok, I’ll tell her. He said don’t ever fucking compare yourself to him.”
47

With a penchant for gossip and storytelling intrinsic to most any journalist, Alice
is the first to find out when things happen in her friends’ love lives and the first to tell the
secret she was supposed to keep.

14
In season six, Alice has problems with current girlfriend Tasha because they
seemingly do not have much in common. However, when Tasha makes a cutting remark
about another character, Alice exclaims, “Uh, you just gossiped!” Tasha replies, “That
was an observation!” “You don’t have to get defensive,” Alice says. “We’re…developing
similar interests! Gossip.”
48

Alice functions as an information-provider and although she always has good
intentions, sometimes her tendency to be overly talkative gets her in trouble. In one
episode, her eagerness to share intimate details leads her partner to flatly say, “There’s a
thing called privacy, Alice.”
49

During the entire series, Alice is usually the first person to find out news and also
the first to spread the gossip to the other characters, often blowing it out of proportion.
This characteristic functions as a way to move the plot along, such as when she tells
Helena she saw Dillon in Jenny’s studio. Helena has been wondering where Dillon has
been disappearing to and is trying her best to not second-guess Dillon and her loyalty to
their relationship. Over the phone, Alice says, “Shane saw her [Dillon] there earlier, so
we just figured she was helping her [Jenny] out. Well, actually at first we thought that
maybe they were having an affair and I was like yay, but then I realized that would suck
for you,” she says with a laugh. “But yeah, Dillon’s an editor, right?” she continues.
“So…I thought maybe she was helping Jenny…edit.” Helena hangs up the phone and
immediately rushes over to the studio.
50

Alice’s life revolves around her close group of friends, who constantly meet at
The Planet, a small café, for coffee and conversation. She goes to clubs and parties with
her friends, sleeps with some of them, and is always there when one of them needs a

15
shoulder to cry on or a couch to spend the night (or several nights) on. Her loyalty to her
friends knows no boundaries.
Her loyalty to romantic partners, however, is often too strong and she often
suffers for this in the end. She “wears her heart on her sleeve and often leaves it open to
be taken advantage of or torn apart.”
51
When her girlfriend Dana breaks up with her,
Alice starts taking a variety of medications to deal with the pain, thus resembling the
image of the news gatherer and strong drink (See “Alice as a Radio Personality”), and
obsessively stalks Dana. Insecure in all of her relationships, Alice is neither able to stand
up to her partners nor immediately able to tell them what she really wants or feels. This
changes in season five, when she meets Tasha, an army officer, and she voices her strong
political opinions.
52

Her friends make up for her lack of a family life. Alice has a sister and a brother,
Nelson, who has two children but is never shown, and a father whom she refers to as
“distant”
53
and whom viewers never see. Her mother, Lenore, is a struggling actress who
used to be in soap operas but is now desperately looking for work in low-budget horror
films. Lenore is uncomfortable with the aging process and flirts with Alice’s friends
while also making irresponsible choices, such as staying at a luxury hotel for several days
with no money to pay for it.
54

Alice is obsessed with “interconnectedness”: how people connect to each other
sexually and, in particular, how everyone connects with her. In one episode, Bette asks,
“Why is it so important for you to believe that everyone is sleeping with everyone else?”
to which Alice answers, “Because they are.”
55
This obsession leads to the creation of The
Chart.

16
In several episodes, Alice exhibits traits of an investigative journalist, and always
with a generally positive outcome. The image of a female investigator in film, however,
is mostly negative. Lisa M. Dresner, special assistant professor in the Department of
English and Freshman Composition at Hofstra University, writes in The Female
Investigator in Literature, Film, and Popular Culture, “My research demonstrates that in
all media, at all time periods, the Anglo-American female investigator is presented as in
some measure fundamentally flawed…”
56
Dresner adds that even lesbian investigators
“do not escape portrayal as flawed...Moreover, lesbian detectives seem to be beset with
relationship troubles. The course of true love seldom seems to run smooth for them.”
57

As a print journalist, Alice works for L.A. Magazine, writing “Best Of” review
lists and stories about such topics as vaginal rejuvenation. While a print journalist, she
also becomes an online journalist by creating The Chart, “a vast, ever-changing, n-
dimensional diagram that shows who exactly has slept with whom, and how many nodes
of connection mediate any two points in Sapphic space.”
58
Alice’s obsession with
interconnectedness leads her to pitch a radio broadcast focusing on The Chart to KCRW-
FM, which is an FM radio station based in Santa Monica. As a radio broadcaster, she
mirrors the image of the gossip columnist and produces content akin to the image of
tabloid journalists. She begins to expand The Chart’s Web site (which becomes named
Our Chart) with podcasts of her interview show Alice in Lesboland. After broadcasting a
famous closeted basketball player’s homosexuality on Our Chart, her video is posted on
YouTube.com and begins to receive national attention. Alice is offered a co-host position
on The Look, a television talk show where she is depicted showing certain traits of the

17
image of the journalist as a scoundrel, but in season six, she depicts the traits of the
journalist as a hero.

18
Chapter One Endnotes

31
Rapi, p. 38.
32
Pullen, p.21.
33
Eve Kosofsky Sedgwick, Foreword, article in Reading The L Word: Outing Contemporary
Television, edited by Kim Akass and Janet McCabe (I.B. Tauris & Co Ltd, NY, 2006), p. xxiii.
34
Joe Saltzman, Frank Capra and the Image of the Journalist in American Film (Image of the
Journalist in Popular Culture, 2002), p. 178.

35
Laura Castaneda and Shannon Campbell, News and Sexuality: Media Portraits of Diversity
(Sage Publications, Inc., Thousand Oaks, CA, 2006), p. 274.

36
Episode #36, “Losing the Light”
37
Episode #40, “Livin’ La Vida Loca”
38
Sarah Warn, Interview with Guinevere Turner, article in Reading The L Word, edited by Kim
Akass and Janet McCabe (I.B. Tauris & Co Ltd, NY, 2006), p. 30.

39
By the end of the season five, Pieszecki’s sexual identity has been broadcasted online, on
OurChart, on the radio, with The Chart show, and on national television, after responding to the
viral spread of her podcast and as a gay host on the talk show, “The Look.”

40
Barrios, p. 96.
41
Sedgwick, p. xxiii.
42
EW.com, (www.ew.com).
http://www.ew.com/ew/gallery/0,,20162677_20164091_20243883_4,00.html (accessed March
2009). “Alice (Leisha Hailey) is to The L Word what Carrie Bradshaw was to Sex and the City.
Amongst a crush of stylish lesbians, she stands out by boldly mixing vintage with couture,
throwing on the occasional dazzling brooch, sometimes taking a risk with a plunging neckline.
Come to think of it, maybe her fashion sense helped her get that Showtime spin-off?”
43
Sarah Warn, Radical acts: Biracial visibility and The L Word, article in Reading The L Word,
edited by Kim Akass and Janet McCabe (I.B. Tauris & Co Ltd, NY, 2006), p.189.
44
Rose Collis, Screened Out: Lesbians and Television, article in Daring to Dissent, edited by Liz
Gibbs (Cassell, New York, NY, 1994), p.137.

45
Warn, p. 30.
46
Howard Good, Outcasts: The Image of Journalists in Contemporary Film (Scarecrow Press,
Metuchen, NJ, 1989), p. 134.

47
Episode #43, “Lez Girls”

19

48
Episode #66, “Leaving Los Angeles”
49
Episode #64, “Least Likely”
50
Episode #70, “Last Word”
51
SHO.com, (www.sho.com). http://lwordwiki.sho.com/page/Alice+Pieszecki?t=anon (accessed
March 2009).

52
Episode #46, “Lexington and Concord”
53
Episode #38, “Left Hand of the Goddess”
54
Episode #5, “Lawfully”
55
Episode #4, “Lies, Lies, Lies”
56
Lisa M. Dresner, The Female Investigator in Literature, Film, and Popular Culture (McFarland
& Company, Inc., Publishers, Jefferson, NC, 2007), p. 2.

57
Ibid, p. 42.
58
Sedgwick, p. xxiii.

20
Chapter Two:
Alice as a Lover

Alice has several “relationships” during the first five seasons. Some relationships
directly affect her journalism, such as her partnership with Tasha, an army officer, which
influences the degree to which she broadcasts her homosexuality, and her sexual
encounter with Papi, a Latina lover, which occurs while she is reporting.
The first relationship that the audience becomes aware of is with Gabby Deveaux.
Alice runs into her while reporting on a story about vaginal rejuvenation. Gabby is a
receptionist at the clinic, Reviva, and asks Alice to lunch.
59
Alice is vulnerable to Gabby’s verbal attacks in this relationship. Even after Gabby
cheats, stands her up, and ignores her, Alice still does not stand up for herself. Finally,
her friends tell her she deserves better. “But seriously, Alice, you can’t let Gabby
continue to treat you this way,” says Tina over coffee at The Planet. “You guys don’t
know her,” argues Alice. “I know it looks like she’s treating me like shit, but…it’s—
she’s just, y’know—” “Treating you like shit, Al,” Dana interrupts.
60

After dating Gabby, Alice dates a man named Lisa who feels he is a lesbian. Alice
assumes since Lisa is physically a male, things will be uncomplicated. But the first time
they have sex, Lisa pulls out a dildo. Alice looks confused and tells Lisa that he has “the
real thing” and they do not have to use a dildo. After she has sex with him, Lisa is
obviously disturbed. Alice breaks up with him soon after.
Alice first meets Dana, a professional tennis player who becomes her best friend
and the love of her life, when she interviews Dana for an article while writing for a sports
magazine. During the interview, she makes Dana feel uncomfortable when asking

21
questions about her sexuality. At this point in the series, viewers know that Dana is gay,
but at the time of Alice’s interview, which is shown to viewers as a flashback, Dana is
still closeted. After hearing Dana describe her female bunkmate at camp, Alice says, “So
it was kind of like, I mean if like…is it fair to say maybe you were…infatuated or uh, uh,
you had in love feelings for her?” “No,” Dana says with a laugh. “No.” But Alice pushes
Dana, saying, “But I mean, you must’ve, you know, had like a crush or, you know. You
know, not to say that she was a dyke or that you are but that—” Dana interrupts her by
saying, “What are you talking about?” She is getting upset. With a knowing look on her
face, Alice replies, “Well. Girl athlete, long blonde hair, big muscles…” Dana is
obviously upset and snaps off the tape recorder and starts to gather her things. “You
know, I’m sorry,” says Dana. “I just, I can’t do this interview. I’ve heard about this kind
of stuff happening before and I just never really expected it from a reputable publication
like yours. I have to go. You’ll be hearing from my lawyer.”
61
This incident exposes the
love-hate relationship between the public and its news media. In this instance, Alice
mirrors the image of the journalist as intrusive. Through her defensive and negative
reactions to Alice’s offending questions, Dana demonstrates that “Americans harbor a
deep suspicion about the media, worrying about their perceived power, their meanness
and negativism, their attacks on institutions and people, their intrusiveness and
callousness, their arrogance and bias.”
62

After several years of friendship, Alice and Dana acknowledge their mutual
attraction. However, Dana is engaged to Tonya, “an objectionable star-fucker who
glommed onto Dana at a tennis tournament.” The two women create a list of rules that
functions as a way to reduce their sexual temptation. “Alice’s effort to curb their

22
attraction is another measure of compulsory monogamy,” writes Merri Lisa Johnson in
“L is for ‘Long Term.’” “Dana’s investment in these rules is easier to apprehend, as her
pending marriage to Tonya is at stake. Alice has no such investment, particularly since
she finds Tonya objectionable, other than the cultural imperative to support monogamy –
one’s own as well as others.’”
63

However, Alice and Dana abide by their rules half-heartedly and Alice demands
that Dana end her relationship with Tonya. After Tonya is out of the picture, Alice and
Dana become a couple. Although it is bliss for Alice, Dana ends up leaving her for an ex-
girlfriend, Lara, but she tells Alice that she would still like to be friends.
Alice is devastated and becomes obsessed with Dana, recklessly chasing her
through the streets in her car and sneaking around Dana’s house at night to peek in the
windows. Alice becomes a mess, barely functioning, crying alone in her apartment. In
this way, she resembles the image of the journalist as a sob sister, in which she is
depicted as “holding her own against everyone and anything, yet often showing her soft
side and crying long and hard when the man she loves treats her like a sister instead of a
lover.”
64
However, in Alice’s case, her lover is female.
Alice even cries during a yoga class with Helena. After the yoga class, Helena
enters Alice’s apartment and gasps, “Have you completely lost your mind?!” Helena
stands face to face with a wall covered in pictures of Dana and pictures of Alice with
Dana. Alice even has a promotional life-size cutout of Dana that she stole. “It’s a fucking
shrine, Alice,” says Helena in disgust. “A bordering on psychotic, serial killer, obsessive-
type shrine!...You should be ashamed of yourself, Alice.”
65

23
Alice allows her breakup to become public fodder by broadcasting her woes on
her radio show. (See section, “Alice as a Radio Personality”.) The public finds it very
entertaining. A nurse in a hospital is shown speaking negatively of Dana for breaking up
with Alice--while Dana is in the waiting room.
66
In this way, Alice parallels the image of
the scandalmonger represented when an irreverent gossip columnist writes the “scoop”
when his girlfriend jilts him.
67

However, her producer, Ruth, becomes disenchanted with Alice’s obsession with
Dana and says that she is going to give her one more chance to do a broadcast without
mentioning Dana at all, or she will fire her.
68
Alice has a hard time meeting her
producer’s demand.
The first woman Alice sleeps with after Dana is Uta Refson, a vampirologist and
teacher. She meets Uta during a bisexual speed-dating event at The Planet. Alice enjoys
the relationship because the sex is liberating for her; she values herself again. She also
gets a thrill out of guessing whether Uta is an actual vampire or not. The relationship is
short-term, because Uta realizes that Alice still has feelings for Dana.
69

Alice meets Eva Torres, or “Papi,” after she discovers Papi’s popularity on Our
Chart online
70
and tries to track her down by mentioning Papi on her radio show. “She
has crashed our server, she has caused an all-out panic across our programmers, and she’s
displaced perhaps the greatest player in the history of players! Now, all I can say is, Papi!
Papi, if you are out there, if you are real, if you really exist, please make contact with
us.”
71
After several false leads, she finally meets the Papi she is looking for at a Mexican
restaurant. Alice sits down with the gorgeous Latina and pulls out her tape recorder, but
she does not get far into the interview before she is seduced by Papi. “But here’s the

24
question, Papi. Why do you think they [women] flock to you?” asks Alice. “Love, I
guess. They know I love them,” responds Papi. Alice looks skeptical and asks, “Really?
Really, Papi?” Papi moves closer to her and gently strokes her arm and stares intensely
up and down her body and then deeply into her eyes while saying, “Mm-hm. I love their
voices, I love their eyes, their hair, their curves, their bodies, their laughter…Touching
them, feeling their skin against mine, making them feel good.”
72
Alice visibly gulps while
Papi is talking. Alice ends up having sex with her in the back of Papi’s limousine and
finds out first-hand the reason why women flock to Papi—the sex. When she arrives back
at her apartment the next morning and runs into Helena, Alice says, “I was working.
Yeah, working pretty hard.”
73

After Dana dies from cancer, Alice begins a short-lived sexual relationship with
Dana’s ex-girlfriend, Lara. In one scene, while holding each other, she asks Lara to
scratch her back hard. “No, harder,” Alice says. “I want to feel something. I want you to
make me bleed. Please, make me bleed.”
74
This relationship was merely formed out of
the tragic circumstances both women found themselves in; they connect because the
woman they both loved is gone.
After Lara, Alice starts a sexual relationship with Phyllis Kroll, the executive vice
chancellor of California University and Bette’s boss. Phyllis is a coming-out lesbian and
Alice prides herself as “being a very good first.” The arrogance and recklessness in her
decisions concerning sex is very apparent, as Bette worries that Alice does not understand
the “consequences” that the relationship produce, both for herself and for Bette.
75
Alice
breaks up with Phyllis after Phyllis says she is in love with her and she does not feel the
same.

25
Her relationship with Phyllis influences one of Alice’s online broadcasts for Our
Chart when she interviews Phyllis for a podcast. When Phyllis refers to the sex she had
with Alice as “vanilla” and “conventional” during the interview, Alice is thrown off track
and visibly offended.
76

Alice’s relationship with Tasha most influences her journalism. Tasha is in the
army, where homosexuality is frowned upon. When one of her fellow officers sees Tasha
with Alice, who is becoming more visible as a lesbian journalist both online and on
television, the officer reports her. Tasha decides to fight the complaint, with Alice’s
encouragement and support. However, after broadcasting a closeted basketball player’s
homosexuality on her Web site (See “Alice as an Online Journalist”), Alice’s
homosexuality becomes increasingly public when she goes on national television and
Tasha yells at her, “Did you ever think that this might not be the most discreet thing to do
while I’m prepping for my hearing? You know that they’re watching me!”
77

When Tasha’s lawyer meets Alice a couple of days later, she tells her, “It’s a
shame Tasha had to meet someone who flies her dirty laundry like a freedom flag for the
whole world to gawk at.”
78

Alice shows traits of the image of the crusading journalist during the basketball
player’s outing (See Alice as a Broadcast Journalist), and “the path of a crusader was not
exactly an easy one, for it could sometimes create roadblocks in family relationships.”
79

“Why would you do that?!” screams Tasha. “Do what?” asks Alice. “Out that guy
like that. You turned his whole fuckin’ life upside down.” Alice, shocked, replies, “I-I did
that for you!” Tasha, astounded, asks, “What are, what are you talking about?!” Alice
answers, “You said, I hope that guy gets what’s coming to him so I-I gave it to him!” In

26
disbelief, Tasha says, “Yeah, but it’s not your job to put his business out there like that!
Who are you to judge that man’s life? You don’t know what he’s going through or what
his circumstances are! Like what’s the difference between you outing him and the
military outing me?”
80

Alice does not understand Tasha’s anger, especially since she called Tasha
beforehand to discuss what she should and should not say on television but Tasha did not
pick up.
81
This is something she has never done before: calling her significant other, or
anyone for that matter, to clear what she is going to do or say before making a journalistic
decision.
In the end, Alice and Tasha conclude that they are not good for each other. When
Tasha comes to get her things from Alice’s apartment, she mentions that she heard Alice
was offered a job on The Look, a television talk show. Alice mentions that she is not sure
she wants to do it. “They want me to be out and flamboyant and audacious, and you
know, it’s on national television. I don’t know if I wanna be gay for the whole world,”
she says. Tasha responds, “This is why we’re not good for each other. Why would you
think twice about something like this? It’s like a dream come true for you.” Alice replies,
“You don’t know what I dream of,”
82
but ends up trying hard to get the job.
In the final season, the roles in the relationship between Alice and Tasha have
been completely reversed. Alice begins to show traits that fall under lesbian stereotypes
and are usually used to describe masculinity in heterosexuals, which include being too
controlling and too strong in her relationship.
83
She decides what clothes Tasha will wear
in the morning, constantly speaks for Tasha when in a therapist’s office, and even
critiques the way Tasha eats her food.
84
Yet at the end of the series, another girl, Jamie,

27
falls in love with Tasha, and it is up to Tasha to decide whether to start a relationship
with Jamie or stay in her relationship with Alice. The journalist is tormented while Tasha
takes her time deciding and is shown drinking alcoholic beverages in several scenes,
resembling the image of the news gatherer and strong drink. When she arrives at a party,
Bette asks if she can get Alice a drink. Alice replies, “Yeah, um…Captain Morgan’s and
Coke. It’s my fourth of the day. I started at eleven…Drinking my way through it.”
85

28
Chapter Two Endnotes

59
Episode #2, “Let’s Do It”
60
Episode #4, “Lies, Lies, Lies”
61
Episode #37, “Last Dance”
62
Joe Saltzman, Analyzing the Images of the Journalist in Popular Culture: a Unique Method of
Studying the Public’s Perception of Its Journalists and the News Media.
http://www.ijpc.org/AEJMC%20Paper%20San%20Antonio%20Saltzman%202005.pdf (accessed
March 2009). p. 31.

63
Merri Lisa Johnson, “L is for ‘Long Term’: Compulsory monogamy on The L Word, article in
Reading The L Word, edited by Kim Akass and Janet McCabe (I.B. Tauris & Co Ltd, NY, 2006),
pp. 127-128.

64
Saltzman, p. 187.
65
Episode #28, “Lost Weekend”
66
Episode #29, “Lobsters”
67
Alex Barris, Stop the Presses! The Newspaperman in American Films (A.S. Barnes and Co.,
Inc., Cranbury, NJ, 1976), p. 56.

68
Episode #29, “Lobsters”
69
Episode #33, “Lone Star”
70
Episode #39, “Legend in the Making”
71
Ibid.
72
Episode #40, “Livin’ La Vida Loca”
73
Ibid.
74
Episode #38, “Left Hand of the Goddess”
75
Episode #42, “Layup”
76
Episode #51, “LGB Tease”
77
Episode #55, “Lookin’ At You, Kid”
78
Episode #57, “Lesbians Gone Wild”

29

79
Larry Langman, The Media in the Movies: A Catalog of American Journalism Films, 1900 –
1996 (McFarland, Jefferson, NC, 1998), p. 36. The path of a crusader was not exactly an easy
one, for it could sometimes create roadblocks in family relationships.

80
Episode #55, “Lookin’ At You, Kid”
81
Ibid.
82
Episode #56, “Lights! Camera! Action!”
83
Rapi, p. 37.
84
Episode #64, “Least Likely”
85
Episode #70, “Last Word”

30
Chapter Three:
Alice as a Print Journalist

Alice is introduced to viewers in the first season as a writer for L.A. Magazine.
She writes stories on Botox injections, vaginal rejuvenation and gender reassignment
surgery.
86
Through the topics she writes about, Alice resembles the image of the
mainstream tabloid journalist. To the audience, “tabloid means something faintly taboo,
forbidden, and fascinating.”
87

She is obsessed with both reading and writing the publication’s “Best Of” lists,
which vary from listing L.A.’s best self-improvement gurus
88
to the “Best Cosmetics
Under $100.”
89
In the pilot episode, she ponders writing a story on “L.A.’s best nipple.”
90

Although Showtime placed a disclaimer at the end-credits that said, “The character of
Alice Pieszecki is not intended to portray or represent any particular individual at LA
Weekly,”
91
LA Weekly is known for its “Best Of” special issues.
92

Unlike most movies and television series where the female reporters are shown
continuously in newsrooms, Alice is only shown in the office once during the entire
series, visiting her editor’s desk. Also unlike other reporters in the early 2000s, Alice
does not do her reporting in business attire; she does her reporting in blue jeans.
Alice fits with the mainstream image of magazine writers, as “they are under
minimal pressure to get the news first and fastest, for the leisurely pace of magazine
writing enables them to concentrate on romance.”
93

Although Alice does not wish to report on hard news like a lot of the female
journalists portrayed in movies and television, she does want to write stories about topics

31
she is passionate about, just as they do.
94
But her editor would rather have her write on
such topics as the 45-minute orgasm.
95

She faces disappointment when pitching a story on interconnectedness, the
subject about which she is most passionate. After a long-winded pitch about humans
being connected to one another sexually and the story possibly being “a really profound
statement about the nature of human existence,” Alice sees that her editor is uninterested
and concedes, “All right. I-I could just do a piece on…vaginal rejuvenation.” To which
her editor replies, “Now that I like.”
96
Alice mutters, “Great,” and leaves to pursue the
story.
Alice’s experiences as a reporter add humor to the series, much as other female
journalists, such as Mary Richards in The Mary Tyler Moore Show, provide humor
through their experiences. Alice’s trip to Reviva to report on vaginal rejuvenation is one
example. When buzzing the building’s intercom to be let inside, she tries to be covert by
changing her last name to Peters and saying simply that she “has an appointment.” After
the lady on the intercom does not seem to understand what Alice wants, she exclaims,
“All right, I need to get my vagina rejuvenated!” to which the lady on the intercom
answers, “Well, why didn’t you just say so?” Alice’s awkwardness and futile effort to be
covert are humorous, as people on the street giggle and gawk at her.
97

The trip to Reviva is used as a plot tool to introduce another character, Alice’s ex-
girlfriend, Gabby Deveaux, to the audience and as a way to re-introduce Deveaux to
Alice. It is during her reporting trip that viewers are introduced to Alice’s love life and
the dynamics of her relationships. Other journalism films show reporters getting

32
acquainted or re-acquainted with past or future lovers while on the job.
98
The difference
in The L Word is that the lovers Alice meets on the job are all female.
Like other female journalists in movies and television, Alice is disappointed and
frustrated with some of her assignments. “Dammit…why did I get this assignment? I am
so not a knitter,” she says as she fumbles with pink yarn while reporting on the new
knitting fad. “Well, it’s crazy popular and all the fags I know are doing it. Even some of
the straight boys, too,” answers Shane. Alice responds, “Right! See? Men should be
knitting, and women should be running the world. That’s how I see it. That’s what I’m
gonna write for L.A. Magazine. It’s good.”
99

Alice mixes work with pleasure and writes stories on events she already is
planning to attend with her friends. When the group of friends drives to the Kraft-
Nabisco Professional Women’s Tournament to accompany Dana as she receives an
award, Alice informs them that the tournament has been turned into “a spring break for
lesbians. You guys, there’s supposed to be, like, 10,000 women there.” Tina observes,
“She’s done research.” Alice replies, “Yeah, I’m doing a story on it for The Weekly.
Gotta make something outta this lame-ass weekend, right?”
100
She is more excited about
the prospect of checking out women than writing her story. This is the first and only time
Alice mentions writing for a publication other than L.A. Magazine.
Her job at L.A. Magazine allows her to become a hub of information. In Alice’s
obsession with interconnectedness, her workplace allows her to actually become a non-
sexual point of interconnectedness by linking one character to another, but only to
information and not sexual encounters. In one episode, Bette is desperate to find Peggy
Peabody, a billionaire who can help Bette’s art exhibition. As Bette complains to her

33
partner, Tina, Alice interrupts with, “Peggy Peabody? Unified Steel heiress?...She’s in
town, y’know. She’s staying at the Las Alemendros, Santa Barbara. She’s on some crazy
art-buying spree….I was eavesdropping at L.A. Magazine.”
101
Bette immediately leaves
to meet Peabody and the plot progresses.

34
Chapter Three Endnotes

86
Episode #33, “Lone Star”
87
Saltzman, p. 176.
88
Episode #1, “Pilot Episode”
89
Ibid.
90
Ibid.
91
Entertainment Weekly TV Review by Ken Tucker. “By the way, be sure to catch the dumbest
end-credit disclaimer I've ever seen: ''The character of Alice Pieszecki is not intended to portray
or represent any particular individual at LA Weekly.'' Alrighty, then -- I guess we know Alice
wasn't modeled on someone who works at a certain Los Angeles alternative newspaper. Good
work, Showtime lawyers!”

92
www.laweekly.com/bestof Web site: “Here at L.A. Weekly, after pioneering the Best of LA
template with our first 200-plus-page special issue back in 1982, we've stretched the Best of LA
idea into many fanciful forms. After all, does the best hamburger change all that much from year
to year? But as we prepare to celebrate the paper's 30th anniversary in December, we thought we
would go back to our Best of LA roots and give our readers a classic collection of city bests. And
that best hamburger? It's not the one you might expect.”

93
Courson Maxwell Taylor, The Newspaper Movies: An Analysis of the Rise and Decline of the
News Gatherer as a Hero in American Motion Pictures, 1900–1974 (University of Hawaii, 1976),
p. 82.

94
“Anything But Love,” 1989-1992 Editor: You need to write what you care about. Tell me what
you care about. Reporter: Political corruption. The ozone layer. Toxic waste. Editor: All right.
Then you’ll write about what I care about.

95
Episode #4, “Lies, Lies, Lies”
96
Episode #3, “Longing”
97
Ibid.

98
“Fast Company,” 1995.
99
Episode #14, “Life, Loss, Leaving”
100
Episode #12, “Locked Up”
101
Episode #4, “Lies, Lies, Lies”

35
Chapter Four:
Alice as a Radio Personality

Preparing for the Audition

Before she got her job at KCRW, Alice needed to audition. But she allowed a
new love to hinder her preparation for the audition, exhibiting feminine frailty compared
with the male journalist who generally is portrayed as always aggressively pursuing his
work. Alice wakes up in bed one morning with Dana and thinks it is Sunday instead of
Monday. “Oh fuck! Oh, my God, I have my KCRW thing tomorrow! I haven’t come up
with a single idea! I’m totally fucking up! Oh, God…What am I gonna do for my
audition?! A once-a-week, three-minute culture spot. Great. I need fucking ideas!” Dana
offers, “People who ruin their lives because they can’t stop having sex?”
After spending some time on her laptop, Alice asks Dana if she can read it aloud
to her. “There’s an invasion underway. Our troops are in Iraq, in Afghanistan, and we are
here, shopping…Is the main mission of our troops the protection of our way of life, and is
our way of life defined by consumerism? Are women and men dying in Iraq so that back
home we can shop till we drop?
102
” The camera cuts to another scene after Dana asks, “Is consumerism the right
word?”
“Alice Pieszecki remarks to her lover in passing that, just possibly, it’s wrong to
invade Iraq to secure their consumerist lifestyles,” writes Paula Graham in “The L-Word
Under-Whelms the UK?” “The ethics of killing hundreds of thousands of innocent
citizens in the process of securing a lifestyle identity based on a wardrobe full of

36
uncomfortable shoes is framed more as a five-second meditative exercise than an actual
question. There’s no commitment here.”
103

The next scene shows Alice and Dana in the same room. “Okay, so basically I’m
gonna get someone from the left, someone from the right, someone from the center –
local, elected officials, whatever. And them I’m gonna interview them about trends.
’Kay? So. State Attorney General Wachtel, have you shopped for your new
granddaughter at the new ‘La La Ling’ Baby store in Los Feliz?’ So…I’m trying to get
that intersection between culture and politics.”
“I don’t know,” responds Dana. “Al, it’s good. It’s just – it’s not funny.” Alice
says, “I’m not going to be a funny person on the radio. I don’t know why everyone thinks
I’m so funny.”
104
She does not want to be pigeonholed.
The Audition

After preparing “serious” stories for the audition (“It’s not supposed to be funny.
Hello? Have you listened to KCRW?” she asks Dana), Alice ends up gossiping to Mimi,
the woman who personally asked her to audition. While she is gossiping, Mimi cues the
radio announcer to roll the tape and unbeknownst to Alice, they tape her gossip.
She closely resembles the image of the radio reporter of the 1930s, who was
strongly associated with the image of the gossip columnist.
105
The gossip columnist “is
essentially a twentieth century phenomenon in American journalism, appearing initially
as the compiler of miscellaneous, chiefly humorous and witty information and
observations.”
106

Alice’s “audition” is filled with stammering and plenty of “Valley-girl syntax.”
107

“Um... yeah. So out walks Lara, who's the - the ex of my current girlfriend,” she says.

37
“And, uh, what does she do? She makes out with my ex. I mean—if I was gonna draw
you a picture of this, um, Alice to Dana, Dana to Lara... Lara to Gabby—hi, gross. Gabby
to Alice. I'm just... totally freaked out about it! I'm sorry, it's like... ahh!”
108

After a while, Alice apologizes for rambling. Mimi and the announcer look at
each other and smile. “It’s okay, Alice. I think we’ve got what we need,” says Mimi.
Mimi walks out of the room and Alice is left staring confusedly at the announcer, who
just smiles at her.
The Radio Personality
Alice begins her career as a radio journalist by hosting Our Chart, in which she
details her love life, other people’s love lives, and the dramas that befall herself and her
group of friends.
In her topic choices, she fits with the image of the scandalmonger. Occasionally,
the scandalmonger “delved into matters beyond personal gossip…But for the most part,
the real scandalmongers were content to report (with varying degrees of accuracy) the
divorces, liaisons, arrivals, departures, parties…”
109

In one radio broadcast, Alice resembles the image of the social commentator.
110

She says, “…My friend Shane is getting married this weekend. And I wanna believe for
Shane, and I wanna believe for all of the rest of us who are flailing around in the abyss
trying to feel what we’re supposed to feel in order to connect in meaningful ways…And
supposedly, marriage can access, I mean supposedly, improves our moral fiber and all.
Which begs the question. I mean, why do these crazy, creepy, defending the family
crusaders say that it’s a bad thing for gays? I mean, why can’t they just wish us well?
Hypocrites. Cuz we’re going to Canada, people. Whether you like it or not. To take our

38
best shot at this connection. And if we fail, it is not because we are less wholesome than
you are. Please, I mean, you guys have been failing miserably at this since the beginning
of recorded history.”
While it may be true that tabloid journalism tends to trivialize who and what we are, it
always involves visceral emotions: love, hate, joy, fear.
111
–Joe Saltzman

Although the image of the tabloid journalist chiefly applies to the print medium,
Alice fits the image because of the content of her broadcasts. The word tabloid means
many things, and “descriptions range from sensational, scandalous, lurid, exploitive,
emotional, wildly dramatic, startling, thrilling, unscrupulous, exciting, offensive,
titillating, shocking, outrageous, malicious, gossipy, shameful, corrupt, defamatory, and
possibly libelous.”
112

In an outrageous broadcast, Alice says, “Speaking of dickheads, what about George
Bush? He’s a total dickhead. And what about his dick? You know? I think that’s really
the question we need to put to the Democrats, why are we not talking about George
Bush’s penis? You know, with all the times that the Republicans talked about Bill
Clinton’s penis, you know, we knew its shape, we knew its size, we knew who it was
friends with, we knew it had enemies. Bill Clinton’s penis had a bend in it!” Alice’s
producer frantically scrambles for a piece of paper and writes, “YOU ARE DEAD TO
ME” on it before showing it to her through the studio window.
113

“Maybe if we knew more about George W’s weapon of mass destruction, you
know, we could figure out how to blow him out of office,” she continues. “Okay? So
come on, you nascent muckrakers and you so-called journalists, let’s go, I say it’s time to
put the presidential privates in public.”
114

39
In a titillating radio broadcast right after Dana breaks up with her, Alice broadcasts
content that vividly talks about the “connection between love and the senses.” “She’s the
one for you. She’s the…girl of your dreams…And you know, because…the smell of her
makes your head swim, because…you get a physical jolt every time…she sends a glance
your way. I mean, she touches you here (Alice touches herself on the neck) and you feel
it…here. (Alice puts a hand between her legs) You touch her anywhere, and you feel it
everywhere.”
115

Dana, who is a public figure as a professional tennis player, becomes a focal point
for Alice’s broadcasts. At the end of one of her shows, Alice says, “Yeah, I mean,
Dana…who told me she needed…(whiny) she needed closure. Closure with Lara…Well.
It’s six months later and I’m still waiting for it to close.”
116
Alice closely resembles the
image of the scandalmonger, in which callousness and cynicism are standard traits.
117

Her breakup with Dana deeply affects Alice. As she falls into a downward spiral of
becoming addicted to a combination of pain medications, she resembles the image of the
news gatherer using strong drink. As in films showing news gatherers covering news
events “with their whiskey flasks firmly lodged in their hip pockets,”
118
in one episode,
she pulls a bottle of pills from her pocket and sullenly pops one in her mouth while on the
air.
119

Alice documents the end of her “vicious cycle” on KCRW. As she spills out a pill
bottle, she says, “This continuum of connectedness is about the cause and effect of one
psychotropic drug after another to the point we’re you’re medicating your medication.
Why don’t we start with the very first antidepressant I tried. It made me just a little
intense.” The camera cuts to a flashback of her slashing Lara’s tires in broad daylight on

40
a busy street. “So then I said to my doctor, can you just give me something strong, really
strong that’ll just make me happy, is that too much to ask? So…he gave me Lithium.”
When portrayed as drunk news gatherers, females “seem to come across as
slovenly, cheap and vulnerable.”
120
In flashbacks of Alice intoxicated by drugs, she fits
all three descriptions.
121

41

Chapter Four Endnotes

102
Episode #21, “Loyal”
103
Paula Graham, The L-Word Under-Whelms the UK?, article in Reading The L Word, edited by
Kim Akass and Janet McCabe (I.B. Tauris & Co Ltd, NY, 2006), p. 26.

104
Episode #21, “Loyal”
105
Taylor, p. 85.

106
Ibid, pp. 101-102.
107
Sedgwick, p. xxiii.

108
Episode #21, “Loyal”
109
Alex Barris, Stop the Presses! The Newspaperman in American Films (A.S. Barnes and Co.,
Inc., Cranbury, NJ, 1976), p. 56.

110
Saltzman, p. 177.

111
Ibid.

112
Ibid, p. 176.

113
Episode #30, “Light My Fire”
114
Ibid.
115
Episode #27, “Labia Majora”
116
Ibid.

117
Barris, p.56

118
Taylor, p. 164.
119
Episode #27, “Labia Majora”
120
Taylor, p.164. “Probably because even a sodden man can look and sound like a hero and can
be capable ultimately of confronting his destiny, the drinking journalists were almost always
limited on film to the male sex. Females when portrayed drunk, whatever their profession, seem
to come across as slovenly, cheap and vulnerable, and this may explain why the intoxicated
female news gatherer is rarely seen in newspaper movies.”

42

121
Episode #29, “Lobsters”

43
Chapter Five:
Alice as an Online Journalist

Alice begins her online venture with a pen and paper diagram tracking who has
slept with whom, which eventually becomes known as The Chart. When it is put on the
internet, the name is changed to Our Chart. “It’s really cool,” Alice says in the first
season. “This thing is growing. People are adding names. And it’s, like, growing
exponentially.”
122
Dana comments, “It’s like this whole, crazy, tiny little world.” Alice responds,
“Crazy, yes. But not tiny.”
123

She soon expands the site to contain her broadcast, Alice in Lesboland, which she
describes as “a biweekly podcast for bisexuals and Sapphicly inclined ladies and their
friends.”
124

Alice’s first two interviews are about sex at midlife
125
and how to say
“cunnilingus” in sign language.
126

After her first two podcasts, Alice is invited to a private party for gays and
decides to attend. Dozens of closeted homosexual celebrities are at the party and are
enjoying the rare ability to exhibit their sexual identities with abandon. Once she enters
the party, Alice tells Tasha, “So everyone here is on the DL (down-low) like us.” The
host comes over and tells her, “Of course you won’t be doing any podcasting from here,”
to which Alice quickly replies, “Oh, no, no. I’m down with your whole program you got
going on here…It’s a good party. A really good party—I’m not gonna tell anybody.”
127

But when she sees Daryl Brewer, a famous basketball player, dancing with his lover, she
snaps a video and picture of the two men with her cell phone.

44
While at the party, Alice mirrors the image of the news hound, who “can gain
entrance to many inaccessible places…and is not above manipulating others to get the big
scoop.”
128

The next morning, Alice watches the news as the same basketball player she saw
the previous night bashes a teammate who had announced his homosexuality. In the
interview, Daryl Brewer says, “First of all, I wouldn’t want him on my team. You know?
I don’t think that’s right. I don’t want any faggots in the locker room looking at me, or
brushing up against me on the court. I don’t like gay people, so I let it be known.”
“Oh my God, you sneaky little fag!” Alice yells. She tells army officer Tasha,
“It’s because of people like that that you have to fight so hard to keep your job.”
129

Alice is so upset about the incident that she decides to broadcast a special podcast
on Our Chart. “I’ve got a little beef that I’ve got to talk about,” she begins. “Um, I was
invited to a party over the weekend…and I met a fabulous, super-nice, flaming
homosexual man named Daryl Brewer. Ring a bell?” she laughs. “Ok, so you can
imagine when I wake up in the morning and I see this Daryl on TV, uh, saying this on the
national news. Roll it.” The broadcast cuts to the interview with Daryl. “All right, I’m
letting it be known, Mr. Brewer, that you’re a homo. And a hypocrite.”
130

In launching this video, Alice depicts traits of the image of the journalist as a
crusader. The crusader is well-meaning or politically motivated and has the financial
means and the power to take on the influential and the mighty.
131
As a budding “internet
mogul,” Alice has the financial means and as an online journalist, she has the power to
take on the influential and the mighty in cyberspace. The video quickly receives national

45
attention, where it had “an estimated 500,000 hits within the first two hours after it was
posted” on YouTube.
132

The fictional nationwide attention paid to the outing of Daryl Brewer is not unreal
when compared to the similar reaction America would have if a professional athlete were
to be outed as gay. “Coaches and managers often express concern about public reaction
to openly gay athletes, worrying that the long-held stereotype of gay male effeminacy
would damage a team’s reputation and competitive edge,” states the media resource
guide on GLAAD’s (Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation) Web site. The guide
continues, “Some sports professionals publicly say there are no gay people on their team
while enforcing a closet mentality through locker-room jokes and innuendoes about gay
men.” As a result, athletes remain “deeply closeted through a system of institutionalized
intimidation.”
133
This is yet another instance in which Alice’s actions blur the lines
between fiction and reality.

46
Chapter Five Endnotes

122
Episode #2, “Let’s Do It”
123
Episode #1, “Pilot Episode”
124
Episode #51, “LGB Tease”
125
Ibid.
126
Episode #52, “Look Out, Here They Come!”
127
Episode #54, “Let’s Get This Party Started”
128
Langman, p. 2.

129
Episode #55, “Lookin’ At You, Kid”
130
Ibid.
131
Langman, p. 5.
132
Episode #55, “Lookin’ At You, Kid”
133
http://www.glaad.org/mediaguide, p. 37

47
Chapter Six:
Alice as a Broadcast Journalist

Hardline

After the podcast receives national attention, broadcast news networks invite Alice
on their shows. She accepts the invitation from Hardline.
The interviewer on Hardline asks Alice why she felt compelled to post the footage
of Daryl Brewer. Without giving her time to answer anything more than, “Well I
originally didn’t,” the interviewer meanly challenges, “That’s hard to believe that you
weren’t seeking notoriety by filming him and then posting the footage on your Web site.”
During this interview, Alice is stuck in the “love-hate relationship” that winds itself
through history in which the news was valued but those who brought it were despised,
ridiculed, and attacked. In the interviewer’s chastisement of Alice, he fits with the “have-
nots,” who “began to envy and even fear purveyors of the news [for their valuable news],
and these emotions quickly turned to anger and hatred.”
134

When Alice says she never thought it would get so big, the interviewer bitingly
interrupts, “You never thought it would get so big?! You’re an internet journalist and you
didn’t realize the power of the net? Come on. I mean, these things go viral in an instant
and destroy careers!”
The interviewer berates her for her actions. “It’s a violation of his privacy if you’re
gonna videotape him when he doesn’t think he’s being watched and then have it put up
on the World Wide Web! … Do you regret what you did, Miss Pieszecki? Do you care
that you might’ve destroyed this man’s family?”

48
As Alice sits shocked behind her desk on live television, she resembles the image
of the earliest local news merchant who was branded a gossip or a busybody and was
treated with contempt. Although the information was coveted, “it was considered
demeaning to talk about individuals behind their backs and to look down on the
misfortunes and frailties of neighbors.”
135

However, Alice ends the interview with the image of the crusading journalist. “Gay
people are bashed and harassed and killed every day and then you’ve got this guy, who’s
gay himself and he’s saying this garbage? It’s disgusting! I totally respect someone’s
choice to stay in the closet, I do. If that’s what they wanna do, I get it, but I don’t think
it’s okay to kiss your boyfriend one day and then go out and trash gay people the next!
Especially if you’re a public figure and you have people looking up to you!”
“Well, she’s got a good point, Pat, uh, I’d like to actually go back to what we spoke
about earlier if we could, uh…” stumbles the interviewer as the camera cuts to another
scene. In this way, Alice has somewhat triumphed as a crusading journalist.
136
She
parallels journalists who were defined onscreen as “embodying the myth of the self-
reliant individual who puts nerves and resourcefulness against an unfair society.”
137

The Look
However, Alice does not resemble the crusading journalist for long. Soon after her
interview on Hardline, she is offered a chance to audition for a co-host position on the
television talk show The Look. During her audition, the producer tells her they want “the
right kind of gay.” As the host explains, they are looking for “fun gay,” meaning they
want Alice to spill some gay gossip. The producer refers to her outing of Daryl Brewer
and says, “We’re looking for things like that. Little insider tidbits about famous people

49
who are in the closet.” Alice looks stunned and asks, “You want me to out people?” and
the producer nods. Then she adds, “That is…only if you want the job.”
138

The outing of a gay person would make good non-fiction television, too. “Any
producer worth their salt knows that having a live discussion on homosexuality makes the
hours whizz by, whether it’s outing or lesbian mothers or gays in the Church,”
139
writes
Collis.
The topic of the The Look that day is the internet. One of the hosts asks Alice if
Their Chart offers an alternative point of view. “Yes…That is one of the things that Our
Chart does. Among other things,” corrects Alice. “So, for example, the personal details
of celebrity’s sex lives would be part of that alternative point of view, I assume,” the host
prods.
“Dish, dish, dish!” yells the audience. “Well, I know what you’re looking for,”
Alice says. “Which Hollywood, little, um, Maxim-endorsed, gorgeous little starlet is a
little bit closer to her role as a Sapphic-sister in Hollywood’s girl-on-girl smooch fest?
Huh? That’s all I’m gonna say!” As the audience makes noises of approval and
excitement, the host interrupts with, “It’s time to stop now so maybe you’ll have to tell us
next time!” As she says “next time,” Alice smiles broadly and says to the applauding
audience, “I’m gonna tease you…I am gonna tease you.”
140

Here, Alice fits with the image of the outlaw villain in journalism films. “The
outlaw villain poses a threat…he is in it only for himself, exploiting innocent others just
to get a scoop or make a buck.”
141

However, in Journalism in the Movies, Matthew Ehrlich, professor of journalism at
the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign, writes, “By presenting morality tales in

50
which wayward reporters are duly punished for their sins, the films also highlight rules of
proper professional and personal conduct.”
142

When Alice arrives on the movie set of Lez Girls to visit her friends, she is shocked
and angry to find out that she has been banned from the set. “What did I do?!” she asks.
“You went on national television and you outed the lead of our movie, fuck!” replies
Tina, executive producer of the film. “I did not say her name,” says Alice. Tina gives her
a warning look and says, “Alice.” “Okay, I just had to, like, they weren’t gonna give me
the job, I had to [makes a sound] it up a little,” Alice admits. “Her managers are
threatening to pull her from the picture now,” sighs Tina. As Alice turns to leave, Tina
says softly, “Alice, look, you can’t blog about this, okay?” Alice gasps and Tina says,
“Because this could really hurt the movie.” Alice, visibly very upset, says, “You’re gonna
insult me now?! I am your friend, Tina. You know, I wouldn’t do that to you.”
Obviously, Tina does not know that, and the reality of this hits Alice hard. She has been
punished for her sins.
143

In the final season, Alice uses her power as a journalist to raise the topic of hate
crimes and homophobia and thus mirrors aspects of the image of the journalist as a
crusader. After worrying about being fired for deviating from her script on live television,
she talks a girl off of a ledge and stops her from committing suicide. The girl asks her, “Is
that what you’re trying to do? Trying to change the world?” Alice answers, “I don’t
know, maybe I am in my own little way.”
144

A Message
On The Look, Alice reads a letter from a young girl who has recently witnessed her
brother’s death as a result of homophobia. After she finishes the letter, she says,

51

“I know I’ve justified outing in the past, saying it’s a political act. I certainly
believe that the world would be better if people felt free and safe enough to be
who they really are. But what I forgot was some people choose to stay in the
closet for other reasons. One of those reasons is homophobia is alive and well
and often times in this country, it can be deadly.”
145

With this, Alice is not only sending this message to her fictional audience; the people
behind The L Word are sending a message, as well. “There is a whole new generation of
lesbians and gays who take it for granted that homophobia should be tolerated as little as
racism or sexism,” writes Smyth. “[They’ve] not only had enough of being marginalized,
ignored, bashed, stereotyped and ridiculed, but [they] are more TV literate, more script-
wise and confident that the gay body should, and indeed must, be articulated.”
146

Show creator Chaiken has openly stated she is a lesbian herself. She has said that
her mission is to get her audience to engage with the characters. Chaiken has said, “There
might be a message underlying that which is that we all have so much in common, that
emotionally and spiritually and philosophically, we’re going through a lot of the same
things.”
147

52

Chapter Six Endnotes

134
Saltzman, p. 176.

135
Ibid.

136
Episode #55, “Lookin’ At You, Kid”
137
Saltzman, p. 176.

138
Episode #56, “Lights! Camera! Action!”
139
Collis, p. 122.
140
Ibid.
141
Matthew C. Ehrlich, Journalism in the Movies (2004) p. 9.

142
Ibid, p. 9.
143
Episode #56, “Lights! Camera! Action!”
144
Episode #64, “Least Likely”
145
Ibid.
146
Smyth, p.203.
147
http://www.thelwordonline.com/oreilly.shtml

53
Conclusion

“As with any other kind of movie, the newspaper films that linger longest in the memory
are often those in which director and writer—and actors, too—had the wit to remember
that they were presenting people who had to behave more or less in a way audiences
would find it possible to believe.”
148
–Alex Barris

“One of the reasons for the success of [the hit Broadway comedy] The Front
Page, first on stage and then on screen, was that [Ben] Hecht and [Charles] MacArthur
created believable, living, breathing central characters – not perfect heroes and
unmitigated villains, but imperfect human beings with conflicting emotions and goals,”
writes Alex Barris in Stop the Presses! The Newspaperman in American Films.
149

Alice Pieszecki also is neither a perfect hero nor an unmitigated villain. She
mirrors the positive images of the journalist, such as the crusading journalist, and she
resembles the negative images, such as the scoundrel. However, her life’s dilemmas and
moral conflicts make her identifiable to the audience.
"I think when characters are perfect it's hard to believe, because none of us in life
are really like that,” said actress Leisha Hailey in an interview. “Alice is not hiding
anything, she comes clean about who she is. She's a good friend to the other characters,
sort of a hub who the other characters come to. And I think people can see their friends in
her."
150

Alice’s aggressive sexual nature, forwardness, and wit could easily align her with
past representations of the male journalist. But she is characterized as a human being first
and a journalist second. Thus, “we, the audience, were treated to the joy of discovering
that newspaper people, like anyone else, could have problems, wives, children, debts,

54
homes, hobbies, crises, idiosyncrasies, habits, relationships, pleasures, and sorrows—not
always connected with their work.”
151

Alice is a unique character because she is a multimedia journalist. Instead of
characters in past “newspapermen movies” wherein the journalist usually concentrates on
either print or broadcast reporting, Alice works with both mediums, and successfully
utilizes the radio and online mediums, too. Her image also changes between the mediums
– the feisty gay print journalist, the fun turned serious gay broadcast journalist, the angry
and moping gay radio journalist, and the gossipy gay online journalist.
Until The L Word, no mainstream television show had ever featured bisexual and
lesbian women as primary characters. Thus, Alice Pieszecki is the first gay journalist to
be seen by millions of viewers on national television. Alice contributes a uniquely
flawed, yet generally positive image of the gay journalist in popular culture. In the
instances where she resembles negative traits of journalists, such as when she publicly
“outs” both the NBA player and the lead actress of Lez Girls, she ultimately redeems
herself through her good deeds and words, such as when she stops a young girl from
committing suicide and teaches the audience of The Look a valuable lesson on tolerance.
Alice provides the comic relief to the show with her upbeat personality and witty humor,
and also contributes to the heart of the show with her openness and honesty.
Alice makes a significant contribution to the image of the gay journalist in
popular culture because she is not afraid or embarrassed to be gay; in fact, she seems
proud of her sexuality. She is openly gay while practicing all forms of journalism and in
some cases she is even more liked and popular because of it, which is not true of other
gay characters in film. As Saltzman writes, “Gay journalists seem to fare better than other

55
gay characters, possibly because of their sense of humor, their wit and ability to lose
themselves in the stories they are working on.”
152
Alice Pieszecki proves this statement to
be absolute.

56
Conclusion Endnotes

148
Barris, Alex, Stop the Presses! The Newspaperman in American Films Page 117
149
Ibid, p. 117.

150
L-Word.Com (www.l-word.com) http://www.l-word.com/news/leisha_1.php (accessed March
2009).

151
Barris, p. 117.

152
Joe Saltzman, The Image of the Gay Journalist in Movies & Television 1929-2009
(www.IJPC.org, 2009), http://ijpc.org/ijpc%20the%20image%20of%20the%20gay
%20journalist.htm (accessed January 2010).

57
Bibliography

Akass, Kim and McCabe, Janet. Reading The L Word: Outing Contemporary Television
(I.B. Tauris & Co Ltd, NY, 2006).

Barrios, Richard. Screened Out (Routledge, 2005).

Barris, Alex. Stop the Presses! The Newspaperman in American Films (Barnes, South
Brunswick, 1976).

Castaneda, Laura and Campbell, Shannon. News and Sexuality: Media Portraits of
Diversity (Sage Publications, Inc., Thousand Oaks, CA, 2006).

Dresner, Lisa M. The Female Investigator in Literature, Film, and Popular Culture
(McFarland & Company, Inc., Publishers, Jefferson, NC, 2007).

Driver, Susan. Queer Girls and Popular Culture (Peter Lang Publishing Inc., New York,
NY, 2007).

Ehrlich, Matthew C. Journalism in the Movies (University of Illinois Press, Chicago,
2004).

Gibbs, Liz. Daring to Dissent (Cassell, New York, NY, 1994).

Good, Howard. Outcasts: The Image of Journalists in Contemporary Film (Scarecrow
Press, Metuchen, NJ, 1989).

Johnson, Phylis A. and Keith, Michael C. Queer Airwaves (M.E. Sharpe, Inc., Armonk,
NY, 2001).

Kern, Rebecca. Just How Groundbreaking is The L-Word? Lesbians and the Future of
Television, (National Communication Association Conference, San Antonio, TX, 2006).

Langman, Larry. The Media in the Movies: A Catalog of American Journalism Films,
1900 – 1996 (McFarland, Jefferson, NC, 1998).

Pullen, Christopher. Gay Identity: New Storytelling and the Media (Palgrave Macmillan,
New York, NY, 2009).

Saltzman, Joe. Analyzing the Images of the Journalist in Popular Culture: a Unique
Method of Studying the Public’s Perception of Its Journalists and the News Media
(Image of the Journalist in Popular Culture, a project of the Norman Lear Center,
Annenberg School for Communication, University of Southern California, Los Angeles).

58
Saltzman, Joe, Frank Capra and the Image of the Journalist in American Film (Image of
the Journalist in Popular Culture, a project of the Norman Lear Center, Annenberg
School for Communication, University of Southern California, Los Angeles,
2002).

Saltzman, Joe, Sob Sisters: The Image of the Female Journalist in Popular Culture,
(Image of the Journalist in Popular Culture, a project of the Norman Lear Center,
Annenberg School for Communication, University of Southern California, Los
Angeles, 2003).

Shneer, David and Aviv, Caryn. American Queer: Now and Then (Paradigm Publishers,
Boulder, CO, 2006).

Taylor, Courson Maxwell. The Newspaper Movies: An Analysis of the Rise and Decline
of the News Gatherer as a Hero in American Motion Pictures, 1900–1974 (University of
Hawaii, 1976).

59
Appendix A:
Character Reference List

Friends
Bette Porter – Art curator; Dean of the California University School of Arts
Tina Kennard – Development executive for Shaylyn Studios
Dana Fairbanks – Professional tennis player
Shane McCutheon - Hairdresser
Marina Ferrer – Owns The Planet
Jenny Schecter – Writer
Carmen de la Pica Morales – DJ; Shane’s girlfriend
Eva Torres, or “Papi” – Limousine driver
Kit Porter – Owns The Planet; professional jazz singer; Bette’s older sister
Helena Peabody – Heiress; director of family’s foundation
Max Sweeney (formerly Moira) – Computer programmer for OurChart
Jodi Lerner – Interviews her for OurChart; Bette’s girlfriend

Lovers
Bette Porter – Art curator; Dean of the California University School of Arts
Tasha Williams – Officer in the Army National Guard (discharged)
Gabby Deveaux – Receptionist at Reviva
Lisa – lesbian-identifying man
Andrew – Dana’s “blind date”; flirts with him after Dana tells him she is a lesbian
Dana Fairbanks – Professional tennis player
Uta Refson – Vampirologist; college teacher
Lara Perkins – Chef, Dana’s ex-girlfriend

60
Eva Torres, or “Papi” – Limousine driver
Phyllis Kroll – Chancellor of California University

61
Appendix B:
Episode Summaries

Note: Partial Transcripts of Episodes #1-27 (Source: The L Word Fan Site, l-word.com)
Transcripts Episodes #28-62 (Source: Traci Hanamura)

The L Word (2004-2008) Summaries
(Source: Showtime, Showtime.com).
Note: Source excluding Alice Pieszecki Highlights.

Season One:
Episode #1: “Pilot Episode,” January 18, 2004
Written by Ilene Chaiken. Directed by Rose Troche.
Bette Porter and Tina Kennard have been a couple for seven years and want to start a family.
Their next-door neighbor, Tim Haspel, is about to form a couple when his girlfriend, talented
young writer Jenny Schecter, moves in. Soon, mixing with Bette and Tina's circle of lesbian
friends, Jenny learns that her Midwest university may not have prepared her for what she will
learn about life, lust and love in Los Angeles.

Alice Pieszecki Highlights:

Interior – The Planet (Coffee House) – Day. Music plays in the background. People are sitting or
standing around, enjoying themselves.

ALICE
Oh my God. Is it happening today?

DANA
Is what today?

ALICE
The insemination.

DANA
(smiles at Tina) Oh!

ALICE
So you’re doing it at the doctor’s office this time?

TINA
But first, Dan Foxworthy.

ALICE
No way!

DANA
Who? Why don’t I know what you’re talking about?

62
ALICE
Because you don’t read.

DANA
Oh, and, what are you, the intellectual of life?

ALICE
Dan Foxworthy is like the super-exclusive shrink to the stars. He was on our list of L.A.'s best
self-improvement gurus. (to Tina) How did you get that appointment?

TINA
I just called and asked. (points, to Alice) Don't tell Bette I told you. Okay?

Interior – The Planet – Day. Tina walks in and heads for the table where Alice and Dana sit. Alice
jumps up to greet Tina.

ALICE
(offscreen, whispering) There she is, there she is. (onscreen, to Tina) Ah, your ladyship! Please!
Don’t jar anything.

DANA
It’s not like it’s gonna dislodge if she sits down too hard, Alice.

TINA
(sitting) There’s nothing to dislodge. Sean’s sperm is lackluster. (Alice gasps) He’s low-motility.
No motility, actually.

ALICE
Oh, my God. You would never know it by the way he fucks.

DANA
Oh, Christ, Alice! When are you gonna make up your mind between dick and pussy, and spare us
the gory bisexual details, please.

ALICE
Well, for your information, Dana, I am looking for the same qualities in a man as I am in a
woman.

DANA
(gesturing to Tina) Big tits.

…

Shane makes her way over to their table and takes off her sunglasses. She’s dressed in a shirt with
cutoff sleeves and her hair is messy.

SHANE
Guys!

63
ALICE
Hey!

DANA
Y’know, do you have to dress like that all the time?

SHANE
(looks down at her own clothing) Like what?

DANA
Well, I wouldn’t be seen on the street with you.

SHANE
Yeah?

DANA
I mean, every single thing about the way you’re dressed, like, screams dyke.

ALICE
(looks at Dana pointedly) God, Dana.

SHANE
Sorry, man.

DANA
What, look, if I’m outed, I’m screwed, Alice, all right? Sponsors aren’t exactly clamoring to have
their stuff repped by big ol’ lezzie tennis players… (Alice rolls her eyes and looks up) …What?

SHANE
No, no, no, look, it’s cool, I totally dig you need to make a living. (picks up her drink) I’m
meeting a client anyway.

(Shane walks off. Alice looks at Dana)

ALICE
Y’know, you are gonna pickle in that self-loathing homophobia, I swear.

DANA
Well you know you’re gonna shrivel in that self-righteous priggishness.

Interior – Bette and Tina’s House – Night. There’s a party going on. Lots of people are there,
mostly women. Music plays in the background. A couple of women are conversing in the corner.

WOMAN #1
You are so overreacting, she is our friend.

WOMAN #2
Oh! Like that’s ever stopped you before.

64

(Bette and Alice pass by them)

BETTE
Like that’s ever stopped anyone before.

ALICE
Right. Lesbians think friendship’s another word for foreplay.

…

Alice and Jenny are on a couch, talking about writing. Alice seems very interested in Jenny.

ALICE
Best first fiction?

JENNY
Yes.

ALICE
Wow. Isn’t that like a major prize?

JENNY
I have this, uh, this character that I write about that’s sort of like this alter ego but not really, um,
and the story is called Thus Spoke Sarah Schuster.

(Marina comes around and sits on the arm of the couch)

MARINA
That’s pretty bold. I hope you’re good.

(Jenny smiles at her)

ALICE
Um, Jenny, this is Marina. She owns The Planet. It’s a little café down on Santa Monica.

JENNY
Yeah, I , I walked by the other day but it was too crowded so I didn’t go in.

MARINA
It gets really crowded, thanks to Alice who wrote me up in her magazine.

ALICE
(laughing) Aw.

JENNY
(to Alice) Are you a writer?

ALICE
Yeah, for L.A. Magazine? Yeah. More of a journalist. Little different from you.

65

JENNY
(shyly) I don’t think it’s different.

ALICE
(to Marina) Jenny just won this literary prize. It’s really big, for…this story she was just talking
about.
(Marina raises a brow and nods at Jenny)

ALICE
Just Spoke something? Just…

MARINA
Oh, Thus Spoke Zarathustra. That’s a Nietzsche reference.

JENNY
[smiles and nods] Yeah.

MARINA
Has your story been published?

JENNY
Um—

ALICE
[to Jenny] Yes! It’ll be in the next Best American Short Stories, right? Which is, I don’t know if I
told you but I write a lot of Best Of pieces.

JENNY
Oh, okay.

MARINA
That’s where I discovered Amy Bloom, I read this beautiful story she wrote called, um… Silver
Water.

JENNY
[smiling] Come To Me. That’s one of my favorite collections. I think that I’ve probably read
everything that Amy Bloom has ever written.

ALICE
I’m about to start on this Best Cosmetics Under $100.

JENNY
Oh.

ALICE
I don’t know. There’s supposedly this guy in Calabasas that does these Botox injections for
seventy-five bucks a pop.

66
JENNY
Isn’t that illegal?

[Marina puts her hand on Alice’s shoulder and talks over her response]

Interior – The Planet – Day. Jenny sits at a table with Shane, Dana and Alice. As Jenny talks,
Alice looks a little bored and Shane watches with amusement.

JENNY
This instructor recommended this workshop called “All Write,” W-R-I-T-E, and this instructor
meets with you and does this thing called body work, you know to help you get in touch with
your inner voice…which I thought was weird!

ALICE
You know, you should check out my magazine, because we sometimes do these resource lists for
the creative community.

JENNY
[reaching into purse] Oh, okay.

ALICE
Or, uh, UCLA might be your best bet.

JENNY
[pulls a small writing pad and pen out of her purse. She shakes her head] No, I don’t wanna…I
don’t wanna go back to school. But, what’s the name of the—

ALICE
Marina has a reading group. You guys met the other night.

Interior – The Planet – Night. The place is packed with women. Dance music plays in the
background.

JENNY
Um, where’s Bette?

[Alice and Tina both speak at the same time, saying different things]

TINA
She’s at work.

ALICE
They’re still fighting.

[Tina crinkles her brow at Alice]
…

DANA
I don’t get it. I mean, what does Shane have that I don’t have?

67
ALICE
It has to do with your attitude.

DANA
[grumpy] I’ve got attitude.

MARINA
It’s because she’s so withholding.

TINA
No…it’s because she’s so confident.

DANA
No, it’s because she’s so stupid and stupid people are too dumb to be insecure.

ALICE
Dana…she’s your friend.

TINA
It’s confidence, okay? I’m telling you. It’s because of her nipples.

DANA
What do you mean, it’s because of her nipples?

TINA
She has the best nipples in town and she knows it.

ALICE
Oh my God, you’re so right, she has nipple confidence!

HARRISON (Dana’s tennis partner)
They are nice.

TINA
Yeah. They’re small and they’re perfectly formed.

ALICE
I wonder if I could sell a story on L.A.’s best nipple, because I—

TINA
Oh, that’d be good.
Interior – Alice’s Apartment – Night.

ALICE
Okay, okay. Let’s do you. C’mere. It’ll be fun. I haven’t even put you on it.

[Alice gets up and goes to a desk. Dana follows]

68
DANA
All right, this is ridiculous. I’ve only slept with two girls my whole life. And I swear to God, if
you repeat that I will have to kill you.

ALICE
[lights a joint] Mm. Don’t worry. Your reputation as a stud is totally safe with me.

DANA
Okay.

ALICE
Okay. So.

[Alice exhales smoke. Dana coughs and swats it away]

DANA
Oh, God!

[Alice grabs a piece of paper and a marker. She writes “Dana” and circles it]

ALICE
Okay. Name names.

DANA
Okay, there was the counselor at tennis camp when I was fifteen.

ALICE
Right.

DANA
Which you know about.

ALICE
Mm-hmmm. Name?

DANA
She’s famous now. I can’t tell you her name.

ALICE
Oh, God. Okay. Ralph. I’ll call her Ralph.

[Dana chuckles. Alice draws a line from “Dana” and writes “Ralph.” She draws another line on
the other side of “Dana”]

ALICE
Okay. Now. Second name.

DANA
Melanie.

69

ALICE
Mel—I knew it. [writes “Melanie” under the second line] I…always…

DANA
I told you about that.

ALICE
No, you didn’t. But that’s—I know. Okay.

[Dana giggles. Alice grabs another sheet of paper and puts the two sheets side by side]

ALICE
Let’s see how many people it would take to link you and me.

[Alice writes some more names on the sheets, drawing lines between all of them]

DANA
Whatever, that’s impossible.

ALICE
Mm. Mmkay. Melanie slept with Heather.

DANA
Okay.

ALICE
Okay. Heather slept with Brooke.

DANA
Heather slept with Brooke?

ALICE
Yes. Brooke slept with Nina, and I slept with Nina. [draws lines for “Nina” and herself] See that?

DANA
Wow, yeah.

ALICE
[turns the paper around so Dana can read it] So, four. One, two, three, four. That is how many
people it takes to link you to me.

DANA
Okay. Okay. So you and Tina…

ALICE
Mm, well that’s easy. One.

DANA
[nodding] Okay.

70

ALICE
Bette.

DANA
[nodding] Okay. Ooh, ooh. I have a good one. Here. Check it out. [writes “Mandy” on the paper]

ALICE
Really good.

DANA
I know, huh?

ALICE
Okay, now she…she leads us right back to Shane.

DANA
Oh, God.

ALICE
Right. [writes all the new names on the paper. Now the page is filled with lines and names
everywhere] Now. She could have us here all night.

DANA
It’s like this whole crazy, tiny little world.

ALICE
[drags on joint] Crazy, yes. But not tiny.

Camera pans up to reveal a massive whiteboard on the wall with dozens of names on it. All the
names link to Shane, whose name is in the middle in huge letters.

Episode #2: “Let’s Do It,” January 25, 2004
Written by Susan Miller. Directed by Rose Troche.
Bette and Tina wait eagerly to see if Tina will get pregnant. Tim, unaware of her encounter with
Jenny, invites Marina to a dinner party, outraging Bette and, once more, Kit tries to make
amends.

Alice Pieszecki Highlights:

Interior – Marc’s Office (Alice’s Boss) – Day.
Episode opens with Alice and her boss, Marc, sitting in his office. Alice is trying to illustrate the
lesbian love connection chart she was showing to Dana at the end of the last episode. She uses an
electronic drawing pad to write it all out.

ALICE
They’re random acts of sex. Kay? They’re encounters, romances, one-night stands, twenty-year
marriages. Anytime…

71
MARC
Mm-hmmm.

ALICE
…You get a group of gay girls together, you are guaranteed someone slept with someone else.
Who has slept with someone else, who slept with someone else, and on and on.

[Alice writes something on the drawing pad and Marc’s laptop screen suddenly begins to fill with
names, all connected by lines. Shane is at the center]

MARC
Mm-hmmm.

ALICE
Name any lesbian you know. I can link her to me in, like, six moves.

MARC
Christine Lee.

ALICE
Christine Lee. Easy. All right. Let me think about this. [leans over the drawing pad and starts to
scribble] Okay. She was with Grace Patridge, couple years ago. [she writes that down] Grace had
a one-night thing with Anya… [she draws a line from Grace to Anya, which appears on the laptop
screen] …then Anya dated Denise… [she draws a line from Anya to Denise] …who lived with
Katherine Claymore… [she draws a line from Denise to Katherine] …who was my first girlfriend
out of college. It’s amazing, right?

[March purses his lips and raises his brows]

ALICE
All right, Marc, it’s not just about lesbians. It’s—I could put you on this thing. And, probably,
like, six connections, easy. I mean, one, if you slept with Anya.

MARC
So?

ALICE
So? So the point is we’re all connected! See? Through love, through loneliness, through one tiny,
lamentable lapse in judgment.

MARC
[furrows his brow] Hmm.

ALICE
All of us. In our isolation. We…reach out! From…the darkness! From the alienation of modern
life. To form these connections.

MARC
[nods] Mm-hmm.

72
ALICE
I think it’s a really profound statement about the nature of human existence. [relenting] All right.
I-I could just do a piece on…vaginal rejuvenation.

MARC
Now that I like.

ALICE
[nods. To self] Great.

Exterior – Busy Commercial Street – Venice Beach Medical Building – Day. Alice visits the
Reviva clinic for her vaginal rejuvenation story. She walks up to the building and reads the
tenants placard. She presses the intercom button.

LADY ON INTERCOM
Reviva. Who is it?

ALICE
Uhh…yeah, uh…Alice Peters, I have an appointment.

LADY ON INTERCOM
I don’t understand. What do you want?

ALICE
I have an appointment.

LADY ON INTERCOM
For what? What do you want?

ALICE
All right, I need to get my vagina rejuvenated! [looks around quickly to see if anyone heard]

LADY ON INTERCOM
Well, why didn’t you just say so?

[people walking by giggle and gawk at Alice. The door buzzer sounds. Embarrassed, Alice opens
the door and heads in]

Interior – Venice Beach Medical Building – Reviva Office – Day. Alice enters the office and
heads to the reception counter. She picks up a pamphlet and reads it. The receptionist is busy with
something out of view.

ALICE
Um, hi, um, Alice Peters.

GABBY (THE RECEPTIONIST)
Alice!

ALICE
[startled] Gabby!

73

GABBY
Don’t do it, Alice. I mean, the recovery is supposed to be hell!

ALICE
Um, can you tell the doctor I’m here.

[Alice turns to walk to a chair. Gabby stands up and leans over the desk]

GABBY
[whispering] Alice!

ALICE
[whispering sharply] What?

GABBY
I behaved badly and I’m sorry, I-I was an asshole, I know that. I freaked out. I was really intense,
and— [Alice looks impatient] I wasn’t ready for it. But…I still have feelings for you. I mean, I
think about you all the time. [Alice looks uncomfortable] You look great.

ALICE
[looks down at herself] Look, I am not doing this again, Gabby!

GABBY
Please!

ALICE
No!

GABBY
Let me try again, I mean, can’t we just…have lunch?

ALICE
No!

GABBY
Just lunch.

ALICE
I don’t—okay.

GABBY
Just lunch. I’ll prove to you how much I’ve changed. [smiles] Say yes, Alice. [Alice looks torn]
Just say yes.

[the phone rings and Gabby answers it]

Interior – The Planet – Day. Shane and Alice sit next to each other on a couch. Dana sits across
from them in a chair. Alice flips through a copy of Girlfriends magazine.

74
ALICE
All right, what’s up with Jenny and Marina.

SHANE
[shrugs] Nothing, as far as I know.

DANA
What, what’s going on with Jenny and Marina?

SHANE
Look, guys, it’s none of our business, just let it go.

[Alice raises a brow at Dana]

DANA
I thought Jenny was straight.

ALICE
Dana, most girls are straight until they’re not. And then…sometimes they’re gay until they’re not.

SHANE
True, but there are also the ones that never look back. Right? And you can spot them coming a
mile away.

DANA
How can you tell?

ALICE
You read the signals.

DANA
That’s my problem.

SHANE
Dana, its not a problem. All right.

[Dana rolls her eyes]

SHANE
No. Sexuality is fluid, whether you’re gay or you’re straight or you’re bisexual, you just go with
the flow.

DANA
No, no, no. That is my problem, okay. I can’t feel the flow. That…thing, whatever it is, I don’t
got it.

ALICE
You don’t have gaydar.

75
DANA
No.

ALICE
You’re so right, you don’t have it!

SHANE
No, everyone’s got it…

ALICE
No.

SHANE
…You just have to tune it.

[Dana shakes her head]

SHANE
Yes.

ALICE
I’m gonna prove it. See that girl who just came in?

DANA
Okay. [turns around]

[A girl stands at the counter, facing away from the group. Dana looks at her]

ALICE
Who is she?

DANA
A customer?

[Shane shakes her head]

DANA
[frustrated] I don’t know!

SHANE
Dana, look at her fingernails, are they long or short?

ALICE
Are they polished or natural?

DANA
[turns to look] They’re long and polished. Sooo, she’s–

SHANE
Leaning to straight, but we still need more info.

76

[Dana sighs]

ALICE
Look at the shoes.

DANA
High-heeled sandals.

ALICE
With tapered jeans.

[Dana looks at Alice, a little flummoxed]

ALICE
Would you wear high-heeled sandals with tapered jeans?
DANA
Yes?

ALICE
No.

DANA
[Throws up her hands] Oh God! Look, I’ve only ever seen her in her chef’s uniform.

SHANE
Dana, I doubt that woman’s a chef.

ALICE
No, no, no. [chuckling] She’s got a thing for a chef.

DANA
[smiling] I do.

SHANE
Dana, I’m impressed, you’re into someone and you want to know whether or not they’re down.

DANA
She’s down?

ALICE
Whether she plays for our team. The gay team.

DANA
Wait…don’t bisexuals have their own team?

ALICE
All right. I’m gonna help you, even though you’re extremely annoying. Do you know the name of
this girl, first and last?

77
DANA
Yes, I do.

ALICE
All right. You know the chart?

DANA
Yeah…

ALICE
Okay. I put it on the internet—

SHANE & DANA
You what?

ALICE
All right, don’t freak. It’s really cool. This thing is growing. People are adding names. And it’s,
like, growing exponentially.

SHANE
That’s great, Alice, I love the sound of that.

Interior – Alice’s Apartment – Night. Alice is showing Shane and Dana the brand new, 3-D love
connection chart on her computer. The new chart is not unlike a huge star map showing hundreds
of constellations across the galaxy. Dozens of lines and names are shown. Shane clicks on her
own name, in the center of the screen. It lights up, as do several names connected to it.

SHANE
Look at that, I’m the center of the universe.

ALICE
You’re a major hub. I mean, there’s one other girl—Mary O’Reilly who dated this lesbian porn
star.

SHANE
Yeah?

ALICE
She has a crazier matrix than you.

SHANE
Oh, there’s a, um—there’s a dotted line—

ALICE
[typing] Oh.

SHANE
There’s a dotted line, no…

78
ALICE
[typing] No, no.

SHANE
…Between you and Gabby Deveaux.

[Shane and Dana both point out the dotted line linking Alice and Gabby. Alice hits a few keys on
the keyboard]

DANA
Yeah, it’s right there.

[The dotted line suddenly disappears]

ALICE
No. There isn’t.

[Shane looks at Alice]

ALICE
I ran into her the other day. Okay? I was doing research on my vaginal rejuvenation story, she
was Reviva receptionist…

SHANE
Mm-hmmm?

ALICE
[amused] I mean, she thought I was there for the surgery. And she was like, “But Alice, your
pussy’s tight.” Y’know? Like, “Why’re you here?”

[Nobody else is amused. Alice goes back to the chart]

ALICE
She looked good. It’s funny.

DANA
Didn’t she treat you like shit, Al?

SHANE
Worse than that. Al, I swear I will kill you if you get back together with her.

ALICE
Okay. Shane, I’m not going to get back together with her. Okay? It’s not gonna happen. All right?

SHANE
No. I’m serious.

ALICE
[to Dana] All right. What’s the name of your little cook?

79
DANA
[blushing] Uh, Lara Perkins. L-A-R-A. Perkins.

ALICE
[looks back at the chart] Okay.

DANA
She’s, uh…she’s the soup chef. [chuckles]

ALICE
A sous-chef?

DANA
Hmm?

ALICE
Like an assistant chef?

DANA
Oh, yeah.

ALICE
Sous-chef.

DANA
Yeah, yeah, that’s totally what she is. Yeah.

SHANE
Sous-chef.

ALICE
[typing] Okay. Well, I might as well start with Shane.

SHANE
Why must you do that?

ALICE
Chances are, if she’s into girls, y’know?

[The computer searches for Lara’s name]

SHANE
Wh—it—Dane? It totally wouldn’t have meant anything.

DANA
Oh, that’s comforting. Thanks.

ALICE
She’s not on it.

80
DANA
What does that mean?

ALICE
I did a—I did a whole search. Well, it means she didn’t sleep with Shane…

SHANE
See?

ALICE
…Which is good, but she didn’t sleep with anyone. [closes laptop]

Interior – The Planet – Day. Alice is sitting alone. She checks her watch. Shane, Bette and Tina
walk up to her.

SHANE
Hey, Al. How’d it go?

[Alice stands up and says nothing]

SHANE
You’re not serious. Maybe it’s for the best.

BETTE
What is?

SHANE
Well, Gabby Deveaux stood Alice up.

ALICE
Yeah.

BETTE
Nevermind. Let’s go help Dana out, then we can work out your situation.

[The group starts to leave when Gabby arrives]

GABBY
Alice? I am so sorry I’m late.

ALICE
Yeah. Yeah, you really are.

GABBY
Working on my screenplay, lost track of time. You’re a writer, you know how it is.

ALICE
Yeah.

81
GABBY
Can you forgive me?

ALICE
Yeah, um…my friends are waiting. I should probably go.

GABBY
Do you have to do everything your friends want you to do?

BETTE
Alice? We really gotta go.

ALICE
[to Bette] Okay.

GABBY
Oh yeah, you do.

BETTE
C’mon, Alice. We’ve gotta go.

ALICE
[to Bette] Okay.

[Alice turns to go but looks back at Gabby]

ALICE
[mouthing words to Gabby] Call me.

Interior – The Planet – Day. Alice, Bette and Tina sit at a table. Alice pours herself a cup of
coffee. Bette and Tina sip on drinks.

ALICE
I don’t know, you guys, you’re cutting edge now. Lesbian moms. Biracial child.

BETTE
We are pretty in, Alice.

ALICE
Well, you’re going to have no trouble getting that kid into the Center for Early Education. It’s
gonna be, like, diversity poster child.

[Bette and Tina look at each other. Shane sits down at the table]

BETTE
Hey.

SHANE
Hi. Isn’t that your neighbor?

82
[Everyone looks over toward the cash register, at Tim. He smiles and waves]

ALICE
[smiling] You guys think he knows?

BETTE
Knows what?

ALICE
That his girlfriend’s making the team with Marina.

[Bette and Tina laugh. Shane doesn’t]

BETTE
That’s ridiculous.

ALICE
Okay. All right. I only repeat what I hear. So.

BETTE
Did Marina tell you?

SHANE
Marina didn’t tell her a thing.

ALICE
[to Shane] It’s what Marina didn’t tell me, y’know?

[Tina shakes her head]

BETTE
Why is it so important for you to believe that everyone is sleeping with everyone else?

ALICE
Because they are.

BETTE
No, that’s just your little fantasy. Here is a truly radical idea for you to contemplate: Monogamy
isn’t just hypothetical. Some people actually do practice it.

ALICE
Mm-hmm.

[Bette rubs Tina’s back. Alice watches the display]

ALICE
Oh. [nods] Right.

Interior – The Planet – Night. It’s karaoke night and a bunch of women stand around cheering and
clapping as someone walks off the stage. Shane and Alice walk through.

83

SHANE
So why did we come to karaoke night?

ALICE
She’s here!

[Gabby Deveaux sits on the other side of the room, talking to people]

SHANE
Fucking Gabby Deveaux again? You invited her, didn’t you Al?

ALICE
No! I mean, I might have mentioned that we might be here, I don’t know.

[Shane follows Alice through the crowd. Alice is heading for Gabby]

ALICE
Look, she had a really good excuse the other night.

SHANE
Yeah, and she’s a poor excuse for a decent human being.

ALICE
She’s really changed, Shane. Okay? Y’know? She’s a lot better than she used to be.

SHANE
[eyes Gabby wearily] Right.

[They head off in another direction. Gabby doesn’t notice, as she’s surrounded by girls and
showing off her boots. Alice and Shane sit on a couch and watch the crowd]

ALICE
Wow. Did you see her boots? Hot, hot, hot!

SHANE
Al, you get with her and I will kill you. She’ll step on your dignity with those boots. Trust me.

Interior – The Planet – Night. It’s still karaoke night and Alice is sitting around, doing nothing.
Gabby Deveaux saunters up to her. Dance music plays in the background.

SHANE
Alice, don’t turn around.

[Alice turns around. Gabby is right behind her]

GABBY
Alice?

84
ALICE
[smiling] Hey…

GABBY
[smiling] I know you’re not ignoring me.

ALICE
I…was…busy. I was talking.

[Kit walks up to Alice and Shane]

KIT
Excuse me. Have any of you seen Bette and Tina here tonight?

ALICE
No, they had like a dinner party or something.

SHANE
Mm-hmm.

KIT
Okay. Thanks, I’ll just…check in with you later. [walks off]

SHANE
Bye, Kit.

ALICE
Kay. [to Gabby] Anyway. Yeah, about that story, uh…think they’re interested in the whole chart
thing. And, um, guys—the guys at the magazine looked pretty interested in it, and uh…

[Gabby looks extremely bored. She walks off]

ALICE
…something about the…

[Gabby seductively glanced back at Alice. Alice stares at her walking off]

ALICE
….Yeah, they liked the way it linked the editor…to me…in like…three moves…

SHANE
Alice? [kicks the table Alice has her foot on] Alice.

ALICE
What!

[Shane grins and shakes her head. Alice furrows her brow, nodding]

ALICE
It’s cool. It’s cool. [looks back toward Gabby]

85

Episode #3: “Longing,” February 1, 2004
Written by Angela Robinson. Directed by Lynne Stopkewich.
Bette engages in a battle of wills with the chairman of the gallery board and takes a desperate
step; Jenny struggles with her feelings for Marina; Alice tries to regain her self-respect and Dana
finally gets a date.

Alice Pieszecki Highlights:

Interior – The Planet – Day. Alice and Shane are both reading the paper. Alice taps a pencil on
the table. Shane finishes her coffee and sets the cup down.

SHANE
I’m gonna get another, you okay?

ALICE
[to the tune of “Hey Mickey” by Tony Basil] Hey Gabby, you’re so fine, you’re so fine you blow
my mind…

SHANE
Easy with the 80s pop this early in the morning.

ALICE
[still singing] Hey Gabby. Hey Gabby.

SHANE
[staring and smiling] Tell me you didn’t.

ALICE
Okay. [puts paper away] Think what you will, she’s amazing. She’s amazing looking, she’s
amazingly smart, she’s amazing in bed.

SHANE
She treats you like shit.

ALICE
No, she doesn’t.

SHANE
Yes, she does.

ALICE
No, not this time. Totally changed.

SHANE
I don’t know, Alice, she still seems pretty cold in the streets to me.

ALICE
Cold in the streets, hot in the sheets.

86
[Shane doesn’t look impressed]

ALICE
She’s happier! She’s writing her lesbian cops screenplay. She’s a whole new Gabby.

[Shane still doesn’t look impressed]

ALICE
What?

SHANE
Nothing.

ALICE
No, no, no, not saying “nothing” with that face.

SHANE
All right, let-let’s say hypothetically that…I saw Gabby all over Nadia Meirtschin…on Thursday
night.

ALICE
[squinting in disbelief] Where?

SHANE
Milk.

ALICE
What were they doing?

SHANE
[shakes her head] I-I’d prefer not to give you the details this time.

[Alice looks crestfallen]

Interior – The Planet – Day. Bette, Tina, Dana and Shane talk to Alice about Gabby.

BETTE
It has to end.

TINA
But seriously, Alice, you cant let Gabby continue to treat you this way.

ALICE
You guys don’t know her. I know it looks like she’s treating me like shit, but…it’s—she’s just,
y’know—

DANA
Treating you like shit, Al.

87
ALICE
Maybe. It’s just—

BETTE
No. It’s just you deserve better.

ALICE
I do?

[Everybody makes a face]

ALICE
All right, I do. But…I just feel like at times, she’s, like, so right there, and I feel like we connect
and then, all of a sudden, she acts like I don’t even exist.

TINA
That’s because she’s an emotional cripple.

BETTE
Yeah. Emotional cripple slash narcissistic personality disorder.

TINA
And the next time she calls you? You have to end it.

ALICE
I know. It’s just—

BETTE
It’s just nothing.

[Alice laughs]

TINA
What are you gonna do?

ALICE
Well, I was gonna ask her—

BETTE
No asking.

TINA
What are you gonna tell her?

[Alice laughs again]

TINA
You’re gonna say, “Gabby, I really enjoy the time we’ve spent together, but it is obvious to me
that we are in different places in our lives and we want different things out of a relationship, and I
respect myself too much to let you continue treating me this way.”

88

BETTE
“It’s clear to me now that you are an emotional cripple without any kind of capacity to understand
true love.”

TINA
“And I’m no longer willing to waste my valuable time on you.”

BETTE
“So step off, bitch!”

[Alice and Dana laugh. Shane smiles. Bette’s phone rings and she goes off to answer it]

…

[Bette walks back to the table. Tina follows]

TINA
Is there anyone who can overrule her?

BETTE
Just Peggy Peabody, the billionairess raving lunatic.

ALICE
Peggy Peabody? United Steel heiress?

BETTE
Yeah.

ALICE
She’s in town, y’know. She’s staying at the Las Alemendros, Santa Barbara. She’s on some crazy
art-buying spree. Spent like $6.3 million bucks yesterday.

TINA
How do you know all of this?

ALICE
I was eavesdropping at L.A. Magazine. Do you guys know they want me to do a story on the 45-
minute orgasm? As if?

[Bette gets up from the table again to make a phone call on her cell. She picks up her purse and
heads for the door. Tina gets up to follow]
ALICE
I mean, by definition, there’re short and intense, right?

BETTE’S ASSISTANT
Bette Porter’s office.

BETTE
Hi, James? Can you, uh, get me directions for the Los Alamendros in Santa Barbara?

89

Interior – Alice’s Apartment – Night. Alice is sitting at her desk in the living room when a knock
comes at the door. She goes to answer it. It’s Gabby. Alice opens the door to let her in.

GABBY
Hey, stranger! [hands Alice flowers] You ran out the other night.

ALICE
Yeah, well, uh, twelve’s a crowd.

[Alice follows Gabby into the apartment. Gabby takes off her jacket as she walks]

GABBY
I know, and I’m so sorry. I mean, it was just that I missed Clarissa’s birthday the other night, and
then Nadia called, and then before I knew it, it was like a whole, big, you know—

ALICE
I know about you and Nadia.

GABBY
There’s nothing to know.

ALICE
Half of Hollywood saw you guys making out.

GABBY
That was nothing. Alice, it meant nothing to me.

ALICE
Ok, here’s you [holds up left hand] and here’s the lies you’re telling me [wiggles fingers on right
hand].

GABBY
Okay. I won’t see her anymore. Swear.

ALICE
[pauses] It’s just, I—

GABBY
You and me are really good together. We’re both writers, we’re on an intellectual par…I can’t
have the same kind of conversations with Nadia that I have with you.

[Alice closes her eyes then sets the flowers down on her desk]

ALICE
Gabby…[looks up] I’ve really enjoyed the time we’ve spent together. But, it’s obvious you and I
are on two different levels, and we really want two different things out of a relationship. I respect
myself too much to let you treat me like this.

90
GABBY
Are you serious?

ALICE
And it’s pretty clear you’re, like, some sort of an emotional cripple…

[Gabby folds her arms. She looks uncomfortable. As Alice continues to talk, she looks down,
unsure of herself]

ALICE
…Without the capacity to understand true love, and…I, uh…I-I’m not gonna let you…waste my
valuable time, and, uh…step off, bitch. [smiles]

GABBY
[irritated] Emotional cripple, where’d you get that? Dr. Phil?

ALICE
Why don’t you get out of my house.

GABBY
[tossing her hands up] What ev’! [picks up jacket] Suit yourself. But I think you should know,
Alice, this is not a good move for someone like you. Everyone knows you’re desperate. You’re
not gonna bounce back from this.

[Gabby walks down the hall to the door and leaves. Alice sighs heavily. She sits down at her desk
and opens her laptop. She double-clicks on an icon on her desktop and the love connection chart
opens. Her name is centered on the screen. To the right of her name is Gabby’s name and above
Gabby’s name is Nadia’s name. Alice rubs her neck. She clicks the mouse and a line shoots off
from Gabby’s name toward the edge of the screen]

Episode #4: “Lies, Lies, Lies,” February 8, 2004
Written by Josh Senter. Directed by Clement Virgo.
Bette greets Tina's pregnancy with apparent delight despite her work problems; Jenny's
relationship with Marina endangers her life with Tim; Dana's insecurity continues and Alice's
mother problems escalate.

Alice Pieszecki Highlights:

Interior – Bette & Tina’s House – Day. Tina sits on the toilet, peeing on a pregnancy test stick.
Alice stands next to her.

ALICE
How do you not pee on your hand?

TINA
You just aim below the clit.

ALICE
Oh, really?

91
TINA
Yeah. Where did you think pee came out of?

ALICE
I don’t know, there’s a lot going on down there. [grabs the instruction pamphlet from the
pregnancy test and reads]

TINA
This is my tenth early pregnancy test. In high school, I used to think you could get
pregnant…[flushes the toilet and goes to the sink] …From giving a guy a blow-job.

ALICE
I used to think you could get pregnant through your pants.

TINA
Or touching the handle of the boys’ bathroom.

[Alice stands behind Tina, primping in the mirror over the sink]

TINA
Are you sure you want to go back to men?

ALICE
I’m positive. I’ve had enough drama and mind-fucks, and women are fucking crazy.

TINA
Yeah, men are boring.

ALICE
Yeah, well bring it on, because I could use a little nice, uncomplicated, boring, boy-girl sex
masquerading as love. It’s fine with me.

Interior – Bette & Tina’s House – Day. Alice, Tina and Kit are sitting at the table. Kit is holding
the test stick.

TINA
You promise?

KIT
Well, you know I promise.

TINA
I’m not worried about you.

ALICE
Yes, I promise, I wont tell Bette that we knew it before she knew.

KIT
You’re gonna have to be so good. You can’t have any more fun, uh-uh!

92
TINA
I know. No red meat, no additives, no Margaritas, wine, beer…and no Xanax! No matter how
stressed out I get.

ALICE
No more smack, no more crack, and no more blow.

[They all laugh]

TINA
I’m going to do everything right. I’m going to be as together about this as Bette is to her work.

[Alice looks at Kit. Kit smiles at Tina]

TINA
We’re going to have a family.

[Kit smiles and nods. Alice gathers her keys and cell phone]

TINA
[chuckling] Oh, my God.

ALICE
[stands] Well, I have to go. So, I’ll talk to you later. Lips are sealed, promise. [leaves]

Interior – The Plaza Hotel – Day. Alice greets her mother, Lenore, with a hug.

LENORE
Sweetie! I was planning on calling you tomorrow. It’s been so crazy. I’m here for the new Gerard
Lichtman film and he’s just been so demanding of my time. Did you know he has five Standard
poodles? [laughs]

ALICE
Gerard Lichtman, wow, really.

LENORE
[smiling] Of course, they haven’t set up the production offices yet, the financing is coming from
some Australian beer conglomerate. So, I’m covering the hotel myself, which is fine, except that,
uh, I’m having a slight…cash flow problem at the moment, and this manager’s being a total dick.

[A woman approaches Lenore]

WOMAN
[excited] Excuse me. I’m a huge fan of Dynasty. I loved you as Alexis!

LENORE
Thank you. Actually, I was Blair in Empire Falls.

[The woman frowns and walks off]

93
LENORE
Moron.

ALICE
Mom, I have to go to work. So what do you want?

LENORE
Oh, Alice, please, can’t you talk to him for me? He’s exhausted me.

ALICE
[rolls her eyes] Okay. All right. Stay here and I will take care of this.

[Alice walks to the front desk to speak to the hotel manager. Lenore dials a number on her cell
phone]

ALICE
[to hotel manager] So, all her credit cards were declined?

MANAGER
I’m afraid so. We have to collect, she’s over our limit. [smiles]

ALICE
Right. But she’ll have it in like a day or two. She’s here to be in a Gerard Lichtman film, so…

MANAGER
Really!

ALICE
Yeah.

MANAGER
I loved Blaunacht. It should’ve won the Oscar for Best Foreign Film.

ALICE
[smiling] Right. And you know, sometimes they start payroll after production started. I’m sure
you guys deal with celebrities all the time.

MANAGER
[smiling] I know. But, uh…she’s at our limit.

ALICE
Right. [pauses] Okay. I mean, I can take care of this, it’s not a problem.

[Alice turns to look at her mother, who is sitting on a chair and talking on the phone]

ALICE
[to manager] So what are we looking at?

94
MANAGER
Well, I have a printout of the bill. [hands printout to Alice] The total comes to five thousand, nine
hundred sixty-eight, forty-two. [smiles]

ALICE
I’m s—I’m sorry, you said—

MANAGER
Five thousand, nine hundred sixty-eight, forty-two.

ALICE
Dollars.

MANAGER
That be cash or credit card?

[Alice flips through the bill which is several pages long. She’s smiling but irritated]

ALICE
[reading the bill] I’m sorry. How could anybody spend five thousand dollars on a hotel room?
That doesn’t—

MANAGER
Well, the suite is nine hundred fifty dollars a night.

ALICE
Uh-huh.

MANAGER
Uh, she was here for five days. There was room service, and I believe she made a few phone
calls. [smiles]

ALICE
Right. [chuckles] Oh, mother.

Interior – Alice’s Car – Day. Alice is with her mother. Lenore is indifferent to Alice having to
pay the hotel bill. Alice is peeved but keeps a straight face.

LENORE
Well, obviously I’m good for the money! I’m not some sort of con-artist! As soon as this job
comes through, just send me the bill.

ALICE
You could always hawk those pants.

LENORE
Aren’t they great? [looks at Alice] Are you being sarcastic?

[Alice looks at her mother then looks back at the road]

95
Interior – The Planet – Day. Alice walks to the table where Shane and Dana sit. Shane is sipping
an espresso. Dana looks unhappy.

ALICE
You guys, my mother’s living with me until her job starts and it’s not fun.

SHANE
Wow.

ALICE
[to Dana] What’s with Mopey Pants? What is is, Dana, are you having embarrassing multiple
orgasms now?

DANA
No. Just, Lara hasn’t called me. And it’s been, like…[checks Alice’s watch] It’s been 21 hours.

ALICE
Well, how’d you leave it?

DANA
I left without saying anything.

ALICE
From your own apartment.

DANA
I was really embarrassed, Alice!

[Alice and Shane laugh. Bette and Tina walk in. Bette is on the phone and Tina is behind her]

BETTE
[on her phone] James, I really don’t think they’re going to do that. You didn’t do anything. If they
do, I’ll just make a bunch of phone calls and give you an amazing recommendation, okay?

[Bette stands nearby as Tina greets Dana, Alice and Shane. Marina brings over some coffee and
holds a cup out to Alice and to Tina]

DANA
[to Tina] I like your scarf.

MARINA
[to Tina] And this is for the baby. I made it just for you. Congratulations.

[Marina hugs Tina. Bette hears the conversation and frowns. Tina looks at her. Bette hangs up the
phone and looks at Alice and the others]

ALICE
[to Tina] All right, I know. I was excited and just…congratulations.

96
SHANE
Seriously, guys, it’s so amazing. Congrats.

[Shane shakes Bette’s hand]

DANA
Wait, wait, wait. What’s happening? Why’s everybody congratulating you guys?

MARINA
Tina’s having a baby. They’re pregnant!

DANA
Oh, my God. Congratulations!

[Dana and Tina hug]

DANA
Wow! Why am I always the last to know these things?

BETTE
It’s okay, Dana. I was second-to-last.

[Bette walks away looking hurt. Everybody looks guilty. Tina goes after her]

Interior – Alice’s Car – Day. Alice is driving her mother.

LENORE
Left on third. [pauses] Gerard is insisting on spending the entire afternoon with me. [chuckles]
Last time I saw him, my God, we talked about everything. Films that inspired him as a child in
Berlin…my divorce…

[Alice looks at her mother]

LENORE
It was as if we’d known each other for years. Left, left!

ALICE
Mom! I’ve lived in this city my whole life, I know how to get to Pico!

LENORE
[looks at her watch] Oh, God!

ALICE
We wouldn’t have been late if you hadn’t spent 15 minutes in the bathroom.

LENORE
[pulls out a mirror and looks at herself] Do I look okay? Huh?

ALICE
[nods] You look good, you look great. You do. You really do.

97

LENORE
[sighs and looks at Alice] You could take a little more time with your face, you know. You might
have a girlfriend by now.

[Alice starts honking the horn at someone in the car ahead of them]

ALICE
Motherfucker!

LENORE
Asshole!

ALICE
God!

LENORE
Jesus!

[Alice pulls up to a building and stops]

ALICE
Knock ‘em dead, Mom.

LENORE
Don’t worry so much. You’re getting this big wrinkle.

[Lenore points to the area between Alice’s eyebrows. Alice quickly looks at herself in the
rearview mirror]

LENORE
You’re starting to look like Ernest Borgnine.

[Lenore gets out of the car. Alice drives away. At the end of the street, she looks in her side
mirror and sees Lenore running to the other side of the street. She reverses the car]

Interior – Film Studio Offices – Hallway – Day. Alice walks into the offices for a small-time film
studio. As she walks down the halls, lots of things are heard: people yelling, women screaming,
monsters growling, machine guns firing, women talking, and a man laughing maniacally. All
along the walls are movie posters from horror films.

Interior – Film Studio Offices – Reception Area – Day. Alice walks into a reception area for a
casting call. A dozen people sit around, reading a page from a script. A woman walks up to Alice,
clipboard in hand.

WOMAN
Sign in at the front desk, they’ll give you sides.

ALICE
[picks up some papers off the desk] What is this?

98

WOMAN
It’s an open call for the part of Mrs. Simons, alien one, two and three, and Ted’s grandmother.

ALICE
[reading script] Curse of the Romalians. Return to Gondor Part 2. Is this a Lichtman film?

[The woman scrunches her brow]

ALICE
Gerard Lichtman. The German director.

WOMAN
The director is Matt Fried, he’s 22 and he’s from Pasadena. Plus, he’s a total asshole.

[The woman walks off to help someone else. Alice walks off to find her mother. In another
reception area, she sees her mother reading from a script and rehearsing. Alice watches her for a
moment and then walks away before her mother sees her.]

Episode #5: “Lawfully,” February 15, 2004
Written by Rose Troche. Directed by Daniel Minahan.
Tim catches Jenny with Marina and he and Jenny marry in haste; he is distrustful and she is
desperate. When Bette announces Tina's pregnancy to her father, his reaction dismays her. Hurt
that he avoided her, Kit offers little comfort.

Alice Pieszecki Highlights:

Interior – Alice’s Apartment – Day. Alice is sleeping on the couch. A noise in the kitchen startles
her and she sits up.

ALICE
Fuck! Mom! Shit!

LENORE
[walks out of the kitchen, wiping her pajama top with a dish towel] Wasn’t my fault, wasn’t my
fault. That machine is just…

ALICE
[grunts and walks into the kitchen] Oh, fuck…Christ. All right. What the fu—aw, God, Mom!
[sighs] Ah, fuck!

[Lenore walks to the chart on the big hanging whiteboard and writes her name. She draws a line
from her name to Shane’s]

ALICE
Okay, do you know how much that espresso maker costs, Mom? What…what’s that? What are
you doing?

LENORE
[steps back to look at the board] My name.

99

ALICE
Okay, this is not something you just go and write your name on, like you’re giving some sort of
autograph.

LENORE
I know that, Alice. I’m not stupid, I understand the purpose of your chart. That’s why I wrote my
name. Right there, off of Shane.

ALICE
Shane.

LENORE
Mm-hmm. Remember the other night at the party, when we were talking?

ALICE
Yeah, we were all talking. You can’t be on the chart for talking.

LENORE
I know, would you listen to my story? [walks to the couch and sits down] We were talking, and at
the end of the evening, when we were saying our goodbyes…we had a moment.

ALICE
A moment.

LENORE
A romantic moment.

[Alice closes her eyes]

LENORE
And I have to say, I’m not sure that I haven’t been limiting myself…

[Alice opens her eyes and gawks at her mother]

LENORE
…In being exclusively with men.

[Alice rubs her neck, trying to figure out what to say. She approaches her mother]

ALICE
Um…[laughs] I need you to tell me exactly what happened.

LENORE
We kissed. At first, it was casual, but then it became…intimate. French.
[Alice blinks. Lenore smiles]

Interior – The Planet – Day. Alice is asking Shane about her encounter with her mother. Music
plays in the background.

100
SHANE
I mean, I’d really…love to say that it’s not true, but…

ALICE
[shakes her head and rubs her neck] Oh, my God…

SHANE
Ah, shit. I don’t know, man, your mom…all I know is I was saying goodbye, and the next thing I
know, she’s just…[sighs] Fuck.

[Alice looks uncomfortable, paces]

SHANE
I don’t know. I’m thinking maybe those drinks were a little strong.

ALICE
You know what this means? This means I can never be gay again! Never! I cannot be gay!

SHANE
Al, c’mon, it’s no big deal. Your mom is really sexy for an older woman,

ALICE
[grunts] Oh!

SHANE
She is! And you know what, she’s got really…[gestures to her breasts]…she’s really…

[Alice sits in a chair and covers her ears with a pillow]

ALICE
[starts singing] Oh…My baloney has a first name, it’s O-S-C-A-R, my baloney has a second
name—

SHANE
Al, shut up, okay? I should be singing. Your mom got funky with me, all right?

ALICE
She came on to you?

SHANE
[half-smiles and shakes her head] Shit, she’s wild, Al.

ALICE
Oh, okay, please with the details! God! Why’s my mom such a slutty, slutty, chicken-chasing
pervert? I mean, God, you know, not to mention a liar, because she said you came on to her and
she was just being polite!

SHANE
[reading a newspaper] She’s wild.

101
ALICE
Uh, well, you can say your goodbyes because she is going back to Nelson’s. I am not driving her
to Palm Springs, they can do that. She put her name on the chart. Do you know that? [flustered] I
mean, what is that? I mean, who di—where’d she come from?

Interior – Alice’s Apartment – Bedroom – Night. Alice walks into the bedroom where her mother
is getting her bags together. A car horn honks outside.

ALICE
Mom? Nelson’s outside.

LENORE
[sighs] Why do I feel like I’m being banished? I said I was sorry.

ALICE
[sits on the bed and helps pack] You’re not being banished. I just need my place back. I work
here.

[The car horn honks again]

LENORE
You see how your brother is? I feel like one of those fast girls in high school whose boyfriends
can’t even bother to come to the door. [kneels to get something from the floor]

ALICE
I’m gonna help you. Just, you know, he’s got the kids in the car.

LENORE
[whining] Aw, Alice, please. Promise me.

ALICE
I’ll remind them. Call you “Bunny” and not “Grandma”.

[The car horn honks again. Lenore sighs dramatically and zips up another bag]

ALICE
Mom? You know how I had that talk with Shane? About what happened?

LENORE
[stands] Yeah?

ALICE
She says she thinks you’re wild.

LENORE
[flattered] Really! [grabs bag] Well. I hate to hurt her feelings, but I’m afraid it can’t go any
farther. [leaves room] You’ll talk to her for me, won’t you Alice?

ALICE
[smiling] Yeah. I’ll talk to her. [grabs bag]

102

Episode #6: “Losing It,” February 22, 2004
Written by Guinevere Turner. Directed by Clement Virgo.
A rising artist in New York tests Bette's commitment while the sperm donor's girlfriend discovers
a lonely Tina and starts harassing her. Tim returns home alone and Jenny gets a ride from two
disaffected teenagers.

Alice Pieszecki Highlights:

Interior – The Planet – Day. Alice is reading a copy of Out magazine. She takes out her cell
phone.

ALICE
[on phone] Shane! Where are you. It’s really, really lonely here at The Planet. And your
roommates are over here saying “twat” like they have Tourette’s Syndrome. Dana and Lara left
and all they were doing is giving me the “we fucked all night and no one else in the world
matters” vibe. It was gross. Anyway, I wish you’d come be…surly and cynical with me. Bye.

[Alice hangs up. Lisa approaches]

LISA
Mind if I join you?

ALICE
[surprised] Hi! No! I mean, yeah! [giggles]

[Lisa sits down with Alice]

LISA
So, how are things with your mom? Did she get the part in that movie?

ALICE
Wow. I can’t…believe you, uh, you remembered that.

LISA
Well, I was worried about you. You seemed pretty stressed when she phoned.

ALICE
Yeah. Well, it got a lot worse. But, you don’t want—that’s boring, you don’t wanna hear about it.

LISA
Talk to me.

ALICE
Okay. Um, all right, well, uh, my mother spent all her money. There was never any part in any
movie. Um, let’s see. She’s in debt up the wazoo, so now her Palms Springs condo is being
foreclosed on. And now, my brother and sister both think that I should let her live with me,
because, you know, they’re married, they have children, y’know. The whole deal.

103
LISA
They think you’re inherently less-than. They treat you like a serf and order you around because
you haven’t embraced their conventional values.

ALICE
[blown away] Yeah.

LISA
They think just because they have traditional families and cleave to the ruling class model that
you should be compelled to give up your chosen freedom and autonomy. I mean, just because we
haven’t followed down their strict, limiting, bullshit path to legitimize ourselves in their eyes.

ALICE
[smiling] Yeah…that’s exactly what I was trying to say.

Episode #7: “L’ennui,” February 29, 2004
Written by Ilene Chaiken. Directed by Tony Goldwyn.
Relationships can be painful. Tim rejects Jenny. Marina doesn't but has another lover. Bette
struggles with her fears about parenthood while Dana runs from her fears and from Lara. Kit is
stung when her son doesn't show up for their meeting.

Alice Pieszecki Highlights:

Interior – The Sea Man – Cabin – Night. Music from the party is heard through the walls of the
cabin. Alice and Lisa are half-undressed, making out on the bed. Alice reaches down and sticks
her hand down Lisa’s pants, but he pulls her hand back up.

LISA
Wait.

ALICE
What…what?

LISA
I have something. [gets up and unzips a bag, pulls out a dildo]

ALICE
[chuckling] You’re kidding, right?

LISA
[runs the dildo up Alice’s chest] Why would I be kidding?

ALICE
Well…because…you’re a man. Y’know? You got the real thing.

LISA
That’s not—that’s not how I want to make love to you.

ALICE
That’s how I want you to, okay? [rolls Lisa onto his back]

104

LISA
But it goes against who I am.

ALICE
Listen. You’re a man. You’re a man named Lisa, but you’re definitely a man. [starts kissing Lisa]

LISA
I’m a lesbian…man…

[Alice pulls Lisa’s shorts down and Lisa moans]

…

[Alice and Lisa step out of their room. Lisa leans against the door, regaining his composure. He
looks sick]

ALICE
[smiling] Oh, my God. [tries to kiss Lisa but he pulls back] What? What’s the matter? What?

[Lisa opens his mouth to speak but nothing comes out]

ALICE
I-no, no, no. No, don’t do this. What—

[Lisa suddenly turns and walks off]

ALICE
What…but you...you had a good time!

Episode #8: “Listen Up,” March 7, 2004
Written by Mark Zakarin. Directed by Kari Skogland.
Identities, sexual and other, are in question as Jenny tries to explain her situation to her one-time
roommate, Dana comes out to her right-wing parents, and Bette begins to consider her own self-
image.

Alice Pieszecki Highlights:

Interior – The Planet – Day. Dana is upset because Alice, Shane and Marina were making fun of
her. Dana leaves for the bathroom in a huff and Alice follows her.

ALICE
Oh, God. Dana, talk to me, I wanna help!

DANA
Just…I can’t believe my life right now, you know? I fucked up so bad with Lara and you guys are
all laughing at me. I just, I can’t handle it!

ALICE
All right, all right, okay. I’m sorry. I feel like an asshole.

105

[Dana leans against the wall and frowns]

ALICE
I have an idea. Ready? Listen to me. I’m gonna come with you.

DANA
I can’t do it.

ALICE
No, I’m coming. I’m gonna be with you, and you’re gonna tell your mom and dad before your
mother gets the award. Okay? Just plain, “Mom, dad, I’m a lesbian.” [shrugs] No big deal. Just
like that. Because there’s no way your parents are gonna make a scene in front of all those people.

[The bathroom door opens and a girl comes out]

ALICE
I can look Republican.

Interior – Hotel – Day. Alice and Dana attend award ceremony for Dana’s mother. Alice
convinces Dana to come out to her parents. After smoking a joint with Dana’s brother, Howie,
they both walk in and spot Dana sitting with her parents, who look stunned and upset. Dana is
talking and her tone of voice is worried and desperate]

ALICE
Oh, fuck…oh, my God. Wow…

[Dana’s mother, Sharon, gets up abruptly and walks off. Dana reaches for her]

DANA
[crying] No, mom…mom, you didn’t do anything. Mom…mom…

[Sharon steps out of the restaurant and steadies herself on the wall. She glances around, then
walks out. Dana quickly turns to her father, Irwin, who’s getting up to leave]

DANA
Dad…it’s not what…just let me explain.

[Irwin ignores Dana and walks quickly out of the restaurant. Dana runs after him, crying]

DANA
Please let me explain.

IRWIN
I think you’ve said enough already. [sees Alice and stops walking] [to Alice] I take it you are part
of this lifestyle, too?

ALICE
Me? No. No, I have a boyfriend.

106
[Howie frowns at Alice and Dana looks disgusted at her. Alice shrugs, as if she does not know
what else to do. Dana heads out to catch her parents but glares at Alice as she passes her]

Episode #9: “Luck, Next Time,” March 14, 2004
Written by Rose Troche. Directed by Rose Troche.
Bette faces serious personal and professional problems. Dana starts to find herself while fame —
with complications — finds Shane. Alice just finds complications. Jenny is in turmoil and Kit is
rehearsing for Slim Daddy's video. SNOOP DOGG appears as Slim.

Alice Pieszecki Highlights:

Interior – Dana’s Room – Day.

DANA
What are you doing here?!

ALICE
[sighs and sits on the edge of the bed] I’ve come…to get you out of bed. C’mon. Let’s go. I’ve
had enough of this. C’mon.
[Alice throws the covers back. Mr. Piddles, Dana’s cat, meows and runs into the other room]

ALICE
Oh shit—sorry, Mr. Piddles. [to Dana] Okay. C’mon.

[Alice moves Dana’s legs over the side of the bed. Dana grumbles]

ALICE
Some of us have it worse, you know, Dana. Some of us are dating lesbian men. Okay? C’mon.

[Dana raises her eyebrows at her]

Interior – Alice’s Apartment – Night. Alice and Andrew, the man Dana’s mother arranged a
blind-date for Dana with, are sitting on the couch, close, facing each other.

ALICE
I didn’t say that. I said, uh…I’ve made some interesting choices.

ANDREW
It sounds like you made some pretty bad ones. [pauses] Now, what was that mandate? Simple
boy-on-girl sex with no complicated stuff? [kisses Alice]

[Lisa knocks on the door]

LISA
[offscreen] Alice.

ALICE
Fuck. Okay. [to Andrew] I…I might have to ask you to leave. [gets up] Shhhit.

[Lisa knocks on the door again. Alice walks down the hallway to open the door]

107

ALICE
[to Lisa] Hi.

[After a moment, Lisa walks in and heads down the hall to the living room. Alice follows]

LISA
How can you do this?

ALICE
Lisa—

ANDREW
Dude. Your name’s Lisa? Harsh.

LISA
It’s my taken name, all right?

ALICE
Okay. We weren’t doing anything. All right?

LISA
He represents everything that is wrong with the world and all you want to do is have sex with
him!

ANDREW
Hey! Take it easy.

LISA
[shouting] I don’t have to take it easy, all right pal? I’m her lesbian lover!

[Alice shuts her eyes]

ANDREW
Whoa. Just got not-worth-it.

ALICE
[walks over to Andrew as he stands up to leave] Uh…I—I’ll call you or…

ANDREW
Sure.

ALICE
Okay. Great.

ANDREW
Looks like you got your work cut out for you.

ALICE
[chuckling] Yeah, dyke drama. You know…how it is.

108

ANDREW
[smiling] No.

[Andrew leaves. Lisa looks at Alice for an explanation]

ALICE
You know what, Lisa? When I first started seeing you, I wanted something simple and easy. And
instead I end up with the most complicated interpretation of sexual identity I’ve ever
encountered.

[Lisa shifts from foot to foot, frowning]

ALICE
You know, I mean, you do lesbian better than any lesbian I know! Okay. And I don’t want a
lesbian boyfriend. I’m sorry! [shrugs] I want a boyfriend who’s straight or I want a lesbian who’s
a girl!

Episode #10: “Liberally,” March 21, 2004
Written by Ilene Chaiken. Directed by Mary Harron.
An unexpected opportunity eases Tina's grief while Bette defends the gallery against a right-wing
attack. Shane's relationship with her patrons gets complicated. Marina and Francesca fight and
Jenny tries to help Tim.

Alice Pieszecki Highlights:

Interior – Lather – Day. Shane is washing Dana’s hair. Alice stands nearby, flipping through a
magazine and talking about her new beau, Andrew. Dana curls her upper lip.

ALICE
And he’s rough, you know? It’s like…like…he fucks me. Y’know? It’s hot.

SHANE
[disinterested] Yeah. That’s…that’s wicked hot.

ALICE
It is. It really is. Because, because there’s not that, you know, bullshit of like…you know, I do
you, you do me, and, you know…we check in, have we had equal time? And all that crap.

DANA
You know, Al, just because you’re riding the big fat weenie doesn’t mean there’s something
wrong with the way the rest of us do it, okay?

SHANE
Hey, look, now that you’re out big-time, let’s give you a mullet.

DANA
What? No.

109
SHANE
Yes, c’mon, hockey hair, it’ll be hot.

DANA
No!

ALICE
I don’t think she’s ready to be a bulldyke, Shane.

DANA
Thank you.

SHANE
Mmkay.

ALICE
The thing is, though, you guys. I…you know…I’ve only slept with him, what, like…five times?
So, if I’m late—

DANA
You’re late?

ALICE
For my period? I’m sure you learned in fifth grade that that’s part of your reproductive cycle?

SHANE
Who, whoa. So, what are you saying, then?

ALICE
I’m saying if I’m late, it wouldn’t be Andrews.

SHANE
Well, would it be Lisa’s?

DANA
Wow. Well, he’d be the first lesbo in history ever to pull that one off.

SHANE
Shit.

…

Interior – Latther – Day. Dana is now sitting in Shane’s hairdressing chair. Shane is combing
through Dana’s hair. Alice sits nearby, preoccupying herself with a bowl of goop that Shane’s
using to color Dana’s hair.

ALICE
What am I gonna do if I’m fucking pregnant?

110
DANA
Get an abortion, Al.

SHANE
You could give the baby to Bette and Tina.

[Dana and Alice scrunch their noses at Shane]

SHANE
Well, we’re already like a family, it’d be like the kid belongs to all of us.

ALICE
So, instead of “Heather has Two Mommies,” Heather has six mommies.

SHANE
No, Bette and Tina would be the moms but we’d all be connected because of how it went down.
Look, Dane, this is gonna be entirely natural, okay?

DANA
Okay. As long as it’s not too, like, crazy or anything.

SHANE
All right. Or too cool, I hear you. [to Alice] But think about it, we’d be the kid’s extended family.

DANA
That’s a great idea, Shane.

SHANE
Look, there’s no bigger karmic lesson than doing something entirely selfless for another person.
I’m serious.

ALICE
How about a little support for me?

Episode #11: “Looking Back,” March 28, 2004
Written by Guinevere Turner. Directed by Rose Troche.
Bette prepares for the gallery's new show and hires Candace, an attractive female contractor, to
handle the set-up. Tina, Jenny, Shane, Alice and Dana share an eventful trip to Palm Springs.

Alice Pieszecki Highlights:

Interior – Minivan – Highway – Early Morning. Alice is relieved she is not pregnant. She is
driving the car. Lenore is in the passenger seat. Jenny and Dana sit in the middle seat. Tina and
Shane sit in the very back. Everyone is half-sleeping and sipping on coffee.

JENNY
[to Alice] So, is this a gold tournament?

111
ALICE
Yeah, it’s the Kraft-Nabisco Professional Women’s Golf Tournament. Otherwise known as the
Dinah Shore Weekend.

JENNY
Is she gay?

ALICE
No. Dinah Shore’s dead. She died back in ’94. And, actually, the word is that she hated her
snooty little golf tournament turned into a spring break for lesbians. Refused to acknowledge it.
[to group] You guys, there’s supposed to be, like, ten thousand women there.

[Jenny gasps]

TINA
Woah.

SHANE
Oh, God.

TINA
[smiling] She’s done research.

ALICE
Yeah, I’m doing a story on it for The Weekly. Gotta make something outta this lame-ass weekend,
right?

TINA
And Dana’s getting an HRC award.

ALICE
Yeah. We’re totally proud of her.

Interior – Minivan – Hours Later. The group finishes whistling the song, Closer to Fine. Lenore
huffs in relief.

LENORE
Thank God! Do you know how many times I had to hear that song when Alice was first coming
out of the closet? [to Alice] It was a nightmare. It was all about Anne Flaherty. [laughs] Tell them
your coming out story, honey. It’s so hilarious!

ALICE
First of all, it’s not my coming out story. It was just a drunk high school grope.

TINA
Tell us your coming out story.

LENORE
Well, they got hammered, the two of them. And then they scampered under the bleachers for a
smoke, which of course she was not allowed to do. [laughs] And…just as they were about to

112
kiss… [laughs] Annie vomited all over Alice!

[Everyone laughs]

ALICE
Now, my real coming out story? That happened in college. My boyfriend Greg and I had this
band called Butter. And we played every weekend at The Tap Room…

Flashback – Interior – The Tap Room.

ALICE
[voiceover] …Which was like our little bar on campus.

[A college-aged Alice, with long, dark, messy hair, struts out onto a stage where her band is et up.
The small audience cheers. Alice shouts into the microphone as she heads for her guitar]

YOUNG ALICE
[into microphone] Butter rules!

[The audience cheers. Alice picks up her guitar. The band begins to play]

ALICE
[voiceover] It was three guys and me. And, I don’t know. I wasn’t that into it but Greg though we
could go all the way.

[Alice and Greg and their drummer Dave jam until they notice they have no bassist. They stop.
The audience makes sounds of disappointment]

GREG
Hey. Where’s Brad?

YOUNG ALICE
Where the fuck is Brad?

ALICE
[voiceover] But anyway, our bass player quits on day, right?

[The bar is now mostly empty. Greg, Dave and Alice are sitting at a small table near the stage.
They are auditioning bassists, none of which seem good]

ALICE
[voiceover] So we had three days to find a new one. So, we hold these auditions and all these
guys come and they couldn’t play bass to save their lives.

[The waiter brings the group burgers and a pitcher of beer]

GREG
[to Alice] Get your feet off the table! [Pushes Alice’s feet away. She puts her feet down and leers
at him]

113
GREG
Show some respect.

[A bassist is auditioning. Alice sits on Greg’s lap, goofing off, occasionally looking over at the
bassist]

[Dave lights a cigarette]

YOUNG ALICE
[yelling] Dave, give me my last fucking cigarette!

[The waiter brings another pitcher of beer. Greg snatches the cigarette out of Dave’s mouth]

YOUNG ALICE
[to Dave] Cock! [snatches the cigarette from Greg]

[Another bassist is auditioning. Alice straddles Greg’s lap, goofing off again. She sticks her
tongue out at the bassist and blows a loud raspberry at him]

ALICE
[voiceover] And then? Tayo walks on stage.

[Tayo, a young girl, plays slowly onstage, smiling at Alice. Alice is captivated]

YOUNG ALICE
[to Greg] Don’t fucking touch me! God! [pushes Greg’s hands off her and leans forward to watch
Tayo]

Interior – Minivan – Highway – Day.

ALICE
We’re famous in our little college universe. I mean, people are coming just to see us.

Flashback – Interior – The Tap Room. Butter is playing in front of a large crowd. Alice is on the
guitar and faces Tayo, on bass. They get closer.

ALICE
[voiceover] And me and Tayo? [chuckles] We had amazing chemistry onstage.

[Alice and Tayo suddenly start kissing. The crowd goes wild]

Interior – Minivan – Highway – Day.

ALICE
Tayo and I only lasted about two months. After me, she went through every gay, lesbian, bisexual
and transgendered organization on campus. Totally broke my heart.

DANA
That’s why you’re a dirty bisexual, huh?

114
Exterior – Palm Springs Hotel – Swimming Pool – Day. The party is huge. Shane, Alice and
Jenny are at a table. Tina walks up with a drink in hand and sits down]

TINA
Well, at least I can have a drink now.

SHANE
[clinking her cup with Tina’s] Cheers.

ALICE
All right, look. Right there.

[Everyone looks to where she is pointing]

ALICE
See?

[A couple of butch lesbians walk by, hand-in-hand]

ALICE
That’s what I call a hundred footer.

JENNY
What’s that?

TINA
It means you can tell she’s a lesbian from a hundred feet away.

ALICE
Is it her hair? Is it her jog bra? Is it her mandles? I don’t know!

[Everyone laughs]

TINA
Great.

ALICE
I can tell she’s a lesbo from across a football field.

Interior – Minivan – Day. The group is back in Los Angeles after their trip to Palm Springs. They
just dropped Dana off at her house—with a new love interest, Tonya.

ALICE
What the fuck are we gonna do?

SHANE
What are we going to do about what?

ALICE
You guys, don’t tell me you don’t think she’s trouble.

115

SHANE
[pauses] Well, yeah, the cat thing was a bit much.

TINA
Yeah and that story about meeting Anne Heche in the restaurant? I mean, what was that about?

JENNY
Ugh.

ALICE
And you guys. I gave her fifty bucks for the gas…and I watched the meter, not to be crazy, but it
thirty-two fifty and she didn’t give me any fucking change.

TINA
What?

SHANE
Well, why didn’t you say anything?

ALICE
Well, I don’t know, I-I-I guess I need more evidence or something. And what am I supposed to
say? “Dana, your girlfriend’s a grifter!” I mean…she’s happy. I can’t!

Episode #12: “Locked Up,” April 4, 2004
Written by Ilene Chaiken. Directed by Lynne Stopkewich.
A near-riot at the gallery lands Bette and her friends in jail, putting Bette in dangerous proximity
to Candace. Shane's relationships grow more convoluted; Kit meets Ivan, a drag king; Marina
contemplates life without Francesca and Tim and Jenny discuss divorce.

Alice Pieszecki Highlights:

Interior – The Planet – Night. A drag king show is going on. Robin, the girl that Jenny met last
episode at the Dinah Shore Weekend, is also in the audience enjoying the show. Alice notices her.

ALICE
[to Shane] Hey, isn’t that Robin, that girl Jenny’s going out with, right there?
[Marina looks over and sees Robin]

SHANE
Oh, yeah it is.

…

The drag king show ends and the café is still packed. People are milling around, having drinks,
enjoying themselves. Marina stops by to greet some of her patrons. She heads over to Robin’s
table.

MARINA
[to other patrons] Hello, how’s everything? [to Robin] I’ve heard about you.

116

[Back at their table, Alice’s jaw drops. She elbows Shane]

ALICE
Shane.

SHANE
What?

ALICE
Check it out.

[Shane looks to see Marina sitting down and talking to Robin]

MARINA
[overheard] How about…

SHANE
Shit, that sucks.

ALICE
Well, do you think…do you think she thought when I said…like when I pointed her out, but I
didn’t…that I…no.

[Marina and Robin are laughing. They shake hands]

ROBIN
[overheard] I’m Robin. Nice to meet you.

[Alice looks and Shane in disbelief]

ALICE
This is so wrong.

SHANE
[swigs beer] Yup.

Interior – Police Paddy Wagon – Day. Several protestors of Bette’s new provocative art exhibit
sit on one side of the paddy wagon. Isabella, Shane, Alice and Candace sit on the other.
Everybody looks really unhappy. A cop puts Dana in the wagon, next to Candace.

DANA
Ow! Oh, God, I’m gonna die if my parents find out about this!

ALICE
Well, look at the upside. Now, being a dyke won’t be a big deal.

[A cop puts Bette in the wagon]

117
BETTE
This is absurd! You’ll be hearing from my law—

[Bette lands in Candace’s lap. Alice scoots over and Bette slides down onto the seat next to
Candace. They are extremely close to kissing. They take a deep breath and pull themselves away.
Bette sighs]

[Alice eyes one of the protestors, a blonde woman, sitting across from her. She whistles and
wiggles her eyebrows at her]

ALICE
Hey good-lookin’.

[The woman looks frightened as she glances up at Alice. Alice eyes her and clamps her teeth
together, suggestively biting the air. The woman quickly becomes uncomfortable and looks away.
One of the leaders of the protest, who’s sitting next to her, looks worriedly between her and
Alice. The cops shut the wagon doors and head for the police station]

Episode #13: “Limb From Limb,” April 11, 2004
Written by Ilene Chaiken. Directed by Tony Goldwyn.
Tina finds out about Candace; Marina dates Robin and phones Jenny; Shane's patrons turn on her
and Dana loses a friend and gains a fiancée while Kit tries to make sense of Ivan's attention and
her reaction to them.

Alice Pieszecki Highlights:

Interior – Dana’s House – Day. Dana is sitting on the couch, crying. Her cat has just died. Tony
opens the door and steps in.

TONY
Sweetie? Alice is here.

[Alice walks in the door, pushing past Tonya]

ALICE
Can I just…? Thanks. Hi, Dane. Ohhh. Poor Mr. Piddles.

[Sobbing, Dana looks up at Alice as Alice sits down next to her. Alice pets Mr. Piddles, who is in
Dana’s arms]

ALICE
Okay, okay. Ohh. I’m so, so sorry.

[Alice rubs Dana’s back. Tonya steps forward]

TONYA
She’s been like this all day. I tried to get somebody to come and remove it, but…she’s been
sitting there for, like, three hours.

[Alice pushes the hair from Dana’s eyes. Dana continues to cry]

118

ALICE
[quietly] Okay. I know. All right, we’ve gotta make some arrangements, right Dane? I mean...I’ll
do anything, right? I’ll do anything. What do you need?

[Tonya leaves the room]

ALICE
Have you thought about what you want?

DANA
[crying] I don’t want him cremated.

ALICE
Okay. Yeah. We’ll bury him, you want to bury him?

[Dana nods]

ALICE
You want me to arrange a burial plot?

DANA
[sniffling] Yeah.

ALICE
He should have a casket. You know. Mahogany. Only the best for Mr. P.

Exterior – Dana’s House – Night. Alice stands on Dana’s front porch. The lights inside go on.
Dana opens the door and steps outside.

ALICE
[whispering] Hi.

DANA
[whispering] Hi.

ALICE
Hi. I have to talk.

DANA
What? What’s going on? It’s 4 a.m.

ALICE
I know.

DANA
Are you okay?

[Dana is concerned. She looks at Alice but Alice stares at the ground, only occasionally glancing
up at Dana]

119

ALICE
You can’t marry Tonya.

TONY
[offscreen] Sweetie, are you okay, do you need me?

DANA
[opens the door and leans inside] No. No, no, it’s okay. [steps back outside and closes the door]
What are you talking about, why?

ALICE
Because.

DANA
Because why?

ALICE
Because…

[Alice quickly leans forward and kisses Dana on the lips. Alice abruptly breaks the kiss and stares
at the ground. Dana looks at her. Alice looks up. Dana pulls Alice to her and kisses her again.
Alice puts her forehead to Dana’s and they both try and catch their breath. Alice is nervous and
pulls away]

ALICE
Oh, God. Okay. Gotta go. Gotta go.

[Alice turns and runs off. Dana watches her, steadying herself against the door frame. She puts a
hand to her forehead]

Interior – Alice’s Apartment – Morning. Alice comes through the door and flips on the hallway
light. She rubs her forehead and heads to the living room.

ALICE
[to self] Fuck, Alice, what the fuck are you doing? [sighs] Oh, my God.

[Alice gets to the living room and flips on the light. Tina is sitting on the couch]

ALICE
Tina? [walks over to Tina] Tina, what are you doing here? Hey.

[Alice sits down next to Tina. Tina is despondent]

ALICE
You okay? What…?

TINA
I’m sorry, I just, um…

120
ALICE
What’s going on?

TINA
I just let myself in, um…

ALICE
[worriedly] That’s okay.

TINA
I was, uh…wondering if I could…stay here for a little while.

ALICE
Yeah.

[Tina’s eyes fill with tears]

ALICE
Tina, what happened?

[Tina tries to speak but can only manage to sigh. Alice rubs her back and looks at her]

ALICE
What happened?

[Tina gets up and walks over to the chart on the whiteboard. She picks up a marker and starts to
cry. She stands in front of the part that shows her name connected with Bette and draws another
line from Bette’s name. At the end of the line, she begins to write Candace’s name. She struggles
and begins to cry harder. She is barely able to write. She manages C-A before Alice comes up and
puts a hand on hers to stop her]

ALICE
Hey. Stop. C’mon, c’mon, c’mon.

[Tina turns around and looks at Alice, sobbing]

ALICE
Okay. It’s okay.

[Alice puts her arms around Tina and holds her. Tina’s legs go weak but Alice holds her up]

ALICE
Okay. It’s okay. I’ve got you. I’ve got you.

Season Two:
Episode #14 (1): “Life, Loss, Leaving,” February 20, 2005
Written by Ilene Chaiken. Directed by Ilene Chaiken.
The second season opens with Tina rebuffing Bette's attempts at reconciliation while Jenny
prepares for an emotional farewell with Tim.

121
Alice Pieszecki Highlights:

Interior – The Planet – Day. Several people sit around, drinking coffee and talking. Alice and
Shane sit at a table together. Alice is knitting. Shane is reading a magazine]

ALICE
Dammit…why did I get this assignment? I’m so not a knitter.

SHANE
Well, it’s crazy popular and all the fags I know are doing it. Even some of the straight boys, too.

ALICE
Right! See? Men should be knitting and women should be running the world. That’s how I see it.
That’s what I’m gonna write for L.A. Magazine. It’s good.

SHANE
[nodding] Yeah, go for it, they’ll love it.

…

DANA
[to Alice] So how’s Tina? Has Bette called yet?

[Alice shakes her head]

TONYA
Apparently, she walked in on them in their very own bedroom.

[Alice shakes her head, smiling]

DANA
[sarcastically to Alice] Okay! Miss Inside Story. How did Tina find out?

ALICE
[to Tonya] Well, actually, Tonya, um, she guessed, because she saw them touching hands. And
then…she knew everything.

DANA
[to Alice] How could she tell just by seeing them touch hands?

SHANE
Women can do that.

ALICE
[to Dana] Yeah, especially dykes.

[Dana frowns at Alice]

122
TONYA
Well, I don’t know what Bette was thinking. I mean, you don’t step out on a woman like Tina for
somebody who hammers planks for a living.

[Alice rolls her eyes, laughing, clearly agitated]

ALICE
Oh my…! What’re you saying, Tonya, that it would’ve been okay if Candace had a better job?

[Tonya opens her mouth to respond but Shane cuts in]

SHANE
Guys, it’s not our business.

ALICE
But Bette loves Tina, there’s no doubt about it!

DANA
[to Alice] So then, they could just—why can’t they work it out?

[Alice stares at Dana and then looks at Shane]

SHANE
Because of the sex thing and Bette can’t help it.

DANA
[to Alice] So if it’s just a sex thing then, you can, get it under control, right?

[Alice stares at Dana, looking sad]

TONYA
Women can control it. Men sometimes can’t because they’re controlled by their peckers.

ALICE
There is no difference between men and women and this is a perfect example or Bette would’ve
called it off.

TONYA
[shocked] Bette is still schtuping the carpenter?!

DANA
God, I feel so awful for Tina.

[Alice folds her arms and stares at the ceiling]

SHANE
Guys.

TONYA
Well, Bette better get that pecker under control!

123
SHANE
Guys!

[Everybody looks at Shane. They all turn to see Tina. Tina smiles uncomfortably]

Interior – The Planet – Bathroom – Day. A toilet flushes. Alice emerges from one of the stalls and
goes to the sink. Dana is standing there. Alice smiles and goes to wash her hands. Dana looks
nervous]

DANA
Are we ever gonna talk about this?

ALICE
Talk about what?

[Alice reaches past Dana for a paper towel. They stare at each other as she dries her hands]

DANA
Okay. [shakes her head and starts to leave]

ALICE
Hold on.

[Dana walks back and stands in front of Alice]

ALICE
It was a mistake, right?

[They stare at each other]

DANA
If you say so.

ALICE
Well, what about you, you don’t have anything to say?

DANA
You’re the one who kissed me first.

ALICE
[chuckling] I do remember you kissing me back.

DANA
[pauses] After you started it.

[Alice looks down shyly]

ALICE
So if I was to kiss you again?

124
[Dana looks nervous. Alice leans in and they kiss]

Interior – Alice’s Living Room – Day. Alice is hosting a knitting party for her story. She has just
gotten off the phone with Dana.

ALICE
It’s good. Knit…knit away.

[Alice sets the phone down and sits down. She picks up her pink yarn and starts knitting]

ALICE
[smiles to self] Talkin’. [mumbles] Fun-filled.

[One of the women leans over to her]

WOMAN
Dear, I don’t think you’re gonna be able to get anybody’s head through that thing.

[Alice looks down at what she’s knitting. She holds it up]

ALICE
You know, though. I think this would make a really good harness for a strap-on dildo.

[Alice lays the knitting across her waist and grins. The woman stares at her]

Interior – The Planet – Day. Alice and Bette sit next to each other at a table.

ALICE
Um, I wanted to ask if you could be outta the house for a couple hours tonight.

BETTE
Uh-huh.

ALICE
Because Tina needs to come by and pick up some of her things. She’s running out of clothes and
stuff—

BETTE
It’s her house, she can come by anytime she wants.

[Alice puts a hand on her hip and looks at Bette]

ALICE
You know that’s not true.

[Bette rolls her eyes and looks frustrated. She sighs]

BETTE
You know…what I did Alice…[shakes her head] I couldn’t help myself.

125

ALICE
[smiles in disbelief] How does that work? Because…it’s kind of an act of free will.

BETTE
You know, I-I—exhausted every ounce of will that I had and I still couldn’t stop myself.

ALICE
Did you fall in love?

BETTE
[quickly] No. I love Tina. Tina is the only person that I’m in love with.

ALICE
But you’re still sittin’ on Candace’s face.

BETTE
Actually, I’m not. I told you, I ended it as soon as I could.

[Bette’s phone rings. She pulls it from her pocket]

ALICE
As soon as you could? What are you, like a sex addict now?

BETTE
No, I’m not a sex addict! Jesus! [Turns her phone off] You know, I think calling sex an addiction
is an excuse for bad behavior, and I know I behaved badly, but I’m prepared to take responsibility
for it.

ALICE
No, you behaved really badly.

BETTE
I know that is sounds like an excuse, but you know what? The fact is she disappeared on me. She
was depressed and she was completely wrapped up in herself and I tried to talk to her about it but
she—she completely shut me out.

ALICE
For how long?

BETTE
Two or three months.

ALICE
Out of seven years? I think you could have waited.

BETTE
She abandoned me as much as I abandoned her. We both did it.

126
ALICE
Yeah, but only one of you was having an orgasm.

BETTE
[rolls her eyes and sighs] Fuck you, Alice. [gets up to leave]

ALICE
Just be outta the house!

Exterior – Runyon Canyon – Day. Joggers and their dogs are seen here and there. Alice is
trudging up the pathway in sweats and a t-shirt. Dana comes bounding down the pathway and
jogs a circle around her, then jogs slowly at her side.

DANA
So. You were saying?

ALICE
[out of breath] Well…I was saying it’s obvious there’s something going on between us.

DANA
What do you think it is?

ALICE
I dunno. I mean, do you—do you have any ideas?

DANA
Maybe. I dunno. [pauses] Maybe we’re attracted to each other.

[Dana runs off. Alice stops, tips her head, then picks up the pace]

ALICE
Yeah. Maybe…yeah.

[Alice pants as she walks alongside Dana, who jogs effortlessly]

ALICE
[winded] Yeah, okay. Maybe if we admit that we’re attracted to each other, you know, sometimes
admitting a taboo takes the power out of it. [pauses] I admit it. I’m attracted to you.

DANA
[stops jogging then jogs to catch up] How long have you been?

ALICE
I don’t know, I never realized it before. Okay, go on, it’s your turn.

DANA
I admit I’m attracted to you.

127
[Dana runs off again. Alice stops and leans over to catch her breath. After several seconds, Dana
returns and jogs circles around Alice]

DANA
What does it mean?

ALICE
Well…

[Dana stops and puts her hands on her hips. Alice faces her]

ALICE
It doesn’t have to mean anything. I mean…being attracted to someone’s no big deal.

[Dana starts stretching. Alice mimics her movements]

ALICE
It’s just an attraction.

DANA
Right.

ALICE
We just…we have to agree not to act on it.

DANA
Okay, how do we do that?

ALICE
Well, we just took the first step, we took the power out of it.

[They both start to move a little slower, staring at each other. Dana stops]

DANA
I think we need to take the second step. [jogs off]

ALICE
[nods] Yeah. Okay. [takes a couple of breaths and heads off after her]

[The sun is starting to set and Alice and Dana walk side by side]

ALICE
We need to counteract it. We just need to avoid all situations where we find each other most
attractive.

DANA
Mm-hmmm.

ALICE
We need, like…rules of un-attraction.

128

DANA
Okay, like never be alone together, in places like the bathroom at The Planet.

ALICE
Right. Never be alone together.

DANA
Especially never be alone together…in places where there’s like a bed or a couch.

ALICE
Right, or—or a table.

[Dana nods]

ALICE
Or a floor.

[Dana smiles]

ALICE
Or the backseat of a car.

DANA
[smiling] Ooh, that’d be good. [makes a serious face] That wouldn’t be good!

ALICE
Okay, you need to stop showing up at The Planet after you’ve worked out, when you’re all
sweaty and your veins are all popping all over the place.

DANA
You like that? [Alice raises her eyebrows] Tonya hates that. All right, well then you can’t wear
those shirts anymore.
ALICE
What shirts?

DANA
You know, the ones where… [grinning] They cling to you in some places and fall off you in
others?

[Alice smiles widely]

DANA
Fuck you. [jogs ahead]

ALICE
Okay, that’s totally against the rules.

129
Episode #15 (2) : “Lap Dance,” February 27, 2005
Written by Ilene Chaiken. Directed by Lynne Stopkewich.
Tina hires a famous lawyer to represent her in the split with Bette; Jenny has a serious heart-to-
heart with Robin; Kit's purchase of The Planet is finalized.

Alice Pieszecki Highlights:

Exterior – Sidewalk – Day. Alice and Shane are walking to The Planet.

ALICE
She had to do something, so I hooked her up.

SHANE
With a lawyer?

ALICE
Joyce Wischnia is the leading gay civil rights attorney in L.A.

SHANE
Ah, Jesus, Al, you and your fucking “best of” lists. Bette and Tina don’t need that.

ALICE
Well, I wasn’t really thinking about Bette, I was thinking about Tina. Fine. What do you think she
needs?

SHANE
[shrugs] I don’t know. A lap dance, maybe. Not a fucking lawyer.

Interior – Alice’s Apartment – Night. There are clothes scattered all over the living room. Alice is
cleaning. Someone knocks on the door. Alice trips on something on her way to the door.
ALICE
[to self] Fuck, Tina. Your shit’s everywhere. Fuck.

[Alice opens the door. It’s Bette, who pushes her way into the apartment]

BETTE
Where the fuck is Tina?

ALICE
[surprised] Bette. She’s not here, but you’re welcome to come in. She’s at work, um…she and
Oscar are in some big project.

BETTE
[faces Alice in the living room] Did you know she’s hiring a lawyer?

ALICE
She’s not hiring one, she just went for a consultation.

130
BETTE
Provide bank statements? Have the house reappraised? Supply a list of my assets? Does that
sound like a consultation?

ALICE
[cleaning] She was just going to get some advice. I thought she needed it, you know, to feel like
she had some options.

BETTE
[confused] You thought…?

ALICE
Bette, you know what? She doesn’t have any money. She doesn’t have anything of her own
anymore.

BETTE
[angry] You sent her to fucking Joyce Wischnia?

ALICE
[defensive] I just suggested she see a lawyer!

BETTE
Fuck you!

ALICE
Fuck me?!

BETTE
Yeah, fuck you! Weren’t you my friend?

ALICE
[agitated] You know, I’m still your friend! I’m totally your friend but you can be a little cruel!

[Bette rolls her eyes]

ALICE
I’ve been there. I remember.

BETTE
That’s low. You and I dated for six weeks, it was never gonna go anywhere, I did us both a favor.

ALICE
[pauses] It’s just…Tina’s hurting.

[Bette sighs and looks at the floor]

ALICE
And I would kind of like my place back. Someday.

131
BETTE
[looks at Alice with tears in her eyes] Well, I’ll tell you what, my friend, you can judge me all
you want to. [leaving] You make me into a pariah, I fucking deserve it. But don’t you dare
interfere with my life like that. Okay? Don’t cross that line again!

ALICE
[chasing after Bette] I didn’t mean to cross a line. I—I’m sorry!

[Bette slams the door]

Interior – Strip Club – Night. Alice, Tina, Tonya, Dana and Shane walk in. They stop and look
around.

ALICE
[to Tina] Whaddaya think, huh?

TINA
I think it’s hideous.

ALICE
Well, they’re all different, you know? Some have real boobies. Keep looking, I’m sure you’ll see
some you like.

Interior – Strip Club – Bathroom – Night. Alice stares glumly at herself in the mirror. Dana
enters.

DANA
Oh, sorry.

ALICE
[surprised] What are you doing here?

DANA
I have to go to the bathroom.

ALICE
You have to get out, that’s against the rules.

DANA
No, I have to go to the bathroom, Al.

ALICE
Are you three? Can’t you hold it for a minute?

DANA
No.

132
ALICE
Fine. Fine. Go on.

[Alice leans against the sink so Dana can squeeze past. They are extremely close to each other]

ALICE
Go on.

[Right before they kiss, Tonya barges in. Alice and Dana jump away from each other]

TONYA
You guys! Hurry up! Tina’s found someone she likes, I think.

ALICE
Wow! That’s exciting!

…

[Shane and Alice walk through the club]

SHANE
So you wanna tell me what’s going on?

ALICE
I dunno, supposedly Tina found a girl she likes.

SHANE
No, I mean with you and Dana.

ALICE
I don’t know what you’re talking about.

SHANE
[stops walking and looks at Alice] Are you guys getting it on yet, or what?

ALICE
[fakes surprise] No! [pauses] Okay. Okay. We kissed! How’d you figure…? Does anyone else
know?

SHANE
[shakes head] Doubt it.

ALICE
You’re a freak, you know that, Shane?

Episode #16 (3): “Loneliest Number,” March 6, 2005
Written by Lara Spotts. Directed by Rose Troche.
Kit preps The Planet for its grand reopening while Jenny meets her new roommate — Shane's
love interest. Bette's emotional tailspin continues.

133
Alice Pieszecki Highlights:

Interior – The Planet – Day. Kit, the new owner of The Planet, is planning to have a jazz quartet
play on opening night. Alice is shocked.

ALICE
Kit! This is…West Hollywood, this is Gay Town! You—gotta give the girlies what they want.

KIT
Well, I can’t change that now, that’s Mason Ray, you know, he was with the Velvets and the
Sheffields…y’all heard of him, right?

[Alice and Shane shake their heads]

SHANE
No.

[Kit starts pacing and groans]

ALICE
No, no, no, it’s gonna—it’s totally gonna be okay.

SHANE
Look, Kit, I swear, it’s not that big of a deal.

[Kit frowns]

SHANE
Listen—no. People like that music. They do.

KIT
Not the people that come here. I mean, you know, [looks at Alice] she’s right. You know, I’m not
playing to my core audience.

ALICE
We’ll find you someone. [looks at Shane] I know! I know! Pink! Pink! She’s in town!

SHANE
Al, how are you gonna get Pink?

ALICE
Well, we’ve gotta know a lesbian who knows a lesbian—

[Kit rolls her eyes and Shane grins and shakes her head]

ALICE
—Who knows another one who knows her. I mean, we could get to her. Right?

SHANE
Yeah.

134
ALICE
She would love to play here!

KIT
That’s not gonna happen.

ALICE
Kit, believe in the power of the lesbian phone tree.

Exterior – Joyce Wischnia’s Guest House – Day. Alex and Tina walk up a beautiful garden path.
Tina carries a bag. Alice carries three bags and a box.

ALICE
You know? I mean, the place will be all yours. You could have stayed totally as long as you
wanted at my place, so you know.

TINA
Stop feeling bad. You need your apartment back so you can work.

ALICE
Oh, I know, I’m just, you know, friends should sacrifice for each other, and I wanna sacrifice—

TINA
You’ve already sacrificed!

Interior – Alice’s Apartment – Day. Alice is cleaning under her sofa with a feather duster. The
intercom buzzes.

ALICE
Hello?

DANA
[on intercom] It’s me.

ALICE
[pauses] Are you here to complain about your fiancée?

DANA
[long pause] No. [long pause] She’s taking 15 percent of my earnings, Al.

[Alice thinks for a moment and buzzes Dana in. The intercom buzzes again]

ALICE
Yeah, what’s going on?

DANA
[on intercom] I can’t come up.

135
ALICE
Why?

DANA
The rules, Al!

ALICE
Just—we’ll figure something out! [buzzes Dana in again]

…

[Alice and Dana stand in the doorway]

ALICE
You’re just gonna let her take 15 percent of your income?

DANA
What can I do, Al?

ALICE
Fire her!

[Dana sighs and rubs her temples]

ALICE
Dana, you’re marrying an endorsement slip! But…I can’t believe she got you all those deals,
though.

DANA
That is pretty incredible, actually.

ALICE
Well, if—if you wanna auction off your love to the highest bidder, it is.

DANA
It’s her job, Al.

ALICE
It’s her job now because you always let her get her way. It’s weird.

[Dana puts her face in her palms]

[Alice’s neighbor, Patty, walks past. Alice moves Dana out of the way]

ALICE
Hey, Patty.

PATTY
Hey.

136
[Patty enters her own apartment. Dana and Alice face each other]

ALICE
[to Dana] She’s got you brainwashed.

DANA
No she doesn’t.

ALICE
Don’t you think…just a little?

[Soft music plays from Alice’s apartment. Dana smiles shyly]

DANA
Your skin looks really good.

ALICE
I—really? [giggles] Well, I was just…forget it. [smiles] Well, you look really good, too.

DANA
[grins] Thanks. My—feel my thighs, they’re getting stronger.

ALICE
[feels Dana’s thighs] Wow.

DANA
Yeah.

ALICE
Yeah—they’re tight. Tighter. They’re tight!

[Alice giggles and blushed. A neighbor carrying a dog walks past. Dana and Alice stare at each
other. Dana glances at Alice’s open bedroom door. Alice follows her gaze. They look at each
other]

ALICE
You going to Shane’s? Tonight?

DANA
Yeah.

ALICE
Cool!

DANA
Uh-huh.

ALICE
Is Tonya coming?

137
DANA
Yeah.

ALICE
[starts backing into the hallway] Okay. I’m gonna get back cleaning. I was cleaning. So, I’m
just…[closes the door while Dana walks off]

Interior – Joyce Wischnia’s Guest House – Night. Tina sits at her desk, typing on her laptop.

TINA
It’s open!

ALICE
[enters] Well…don’t tell me you’re not coming? T! It’s the reopening of The Planet! I mean, I
know you don’t wanna see Bette, but we all have to be there to support Kit.

TINA
I’m sorry, I can’t. I-I need to finish this grant proposal and turn it in by tonight. Plus, I wanna go
by the house and pick up some things while Bette isn’t there.

ALICE
Great. [shakes her head and paces] Remember how I used to tell you it would suck if you and
Bette broke up? Well, it does. This is so fucked.

[Alice sits on the edge of the bed and things for a moment. She’s near tears]

ALICE
You know, I’m starting to get scared, it’s like, Bette’s smoking and drinking herself to death and
you’re…I’m gonna say it, Tina…You’re eating your pain! And I don’t know how much weight
you’ve gained! But if you don’t stop, you’re gonna have to go to some ashram, or hire some
really majorly important trainer and you don’t have the money!

TINA
Alice. [pauses] I’m not fat.

ALICE
[crying] T!

[Tine gets up and lifts her shirt to show Alice her stomach. Alice looks shocked]

ALICE
[staring] Shit…

[Tina sits]

ALICE
I’m a little confused…How did that happen?

138
TINA
I-I did it while Bette and I were still together. But I didn’t tell her because I wanted to see if it
would take.

[Alice closes her eyes and puts her head in her hand]

TINA
I didn’t think she could handle another miscarriage.

[Alice hangs her head and starts to cry. Tina goes over to her]

TINA
Ooh. Look, it’s gonna be okay!

ALICE
[crying] No, it’s not, it’s so fucked up.

TINA
I’m gonna have a baby. I thought it was gonna be mine and Bette’s, but it’s going to be my baby.
And I am going to love her and care for her and I am going to give her a great shot at life.
[smiles] C’mere.

[They hug]

Interior – The Planet – Night. Alice makes her way over to Shane at the bar.

ALICE
[to others] Sorry. Excuse me. [to Shane] Shane! All right, okay, um, I have to tell you something
I’m really kinda not supposed to tell you.

SHANE
Fight the urge.

ALICE
But…I can’t!

SHANE
Try.

ALICE
But it’s hard!

SHANE
I know! But try.

Episode #17 (4): “Lynch Pin,” March 13, 2005
Written by Ilene Chaiken. Directed by Lisa Cholodenko.
Jenny and Shane search for a new roommate while Kit becomes attracted to a motivational self-
help guru and Bette loses a major source of arts funding — to Tina.

139
Alice Pieszecki Highlights:

Exterior – Amusement Park – Day. On a pier by the ocean, there is a Ferris wheel and a roller
coaster. On the Scrambler, Dana and Tonya ride in a car and Alice and her date Chris, a male,
ride in another. He has his arm around her. The Scrambler whips around in tight circles. When the
ride is over, Dana looks a little quesy.

ALICE
[to Chris] That was awesome!

[When the ride stops, Chris helps Alice out. Alice clutches a stuffed yellow chicken in one hand.
She grins]

ALICE
[giggles] Thank you!

CHRIS
You’re welcome.

[They start walking to the midway with Tonya and Dana behind them]

ALICE
[giggles] Um, is my face on sideways?

CHRIS
No, your face looks perfect.

TONY
[to Dana] Aren’t they the cutest couple, ever?

CHRIS
[to Alice] You know, my company rented this place out last year for clients. It’s amazing to
just…take over the whole place.

[Alice giggles. Dana eyes Alice and frowns at Chris. They look at the roller coaster go by, its
occupants screaming]

CHRIS
Yep!

ALICE
Um, what do you do, Chris?

CHRIS
I’m a business manager. We deal with mostly entertainment industry clients, so…

[Tonya fusses with Dana’s hair. Dana wrinkles her nose at her, still frowning at Chris]

TONYA
C’mon. Let’s go on the Ferris wheel again. This time we’ll really spin it!

140
ALICE
Um, I-I was actually gonna use the restroom but I’ll meet you guys by the Ferris wheel. Okay?
I’ll be back. [wanders off]

TONYA
Hey, Chris?

CHRIS
Sure, I’m game.

DANA
Uh, you know, I’m gonna stay here, actually, I’m gonna take a break, too, and—

[Tonya pouts]

DANA
I’m gonna keep Alice company. [starts to leave]

CHRIS
[to Tonya] Okay.

DANA
Have fun!

[Chris and Tonya clasp hands and go giggling and running toward the Ferris wheel. Dana runs
after Alice]

DANA
Alice. Alice, wait! Alice, wait up!

[Alice finally stops]

ALICE
What?

DANA
[angry] Do you have to flirt with him like that?

ALICE
Your girlfriend’s the one who hooked me up with him!

[Dana rolls her eyes]

ALICE
“Oh, you’d really love my friend Chris.” I mean, you could have told me it was a guy.

[They stop walking. Dana faces Alice.]

141
DANA
Would it have made a difference? So I guess girls don’t bring out the “Hey, what do you do for a
living? How do I look? Do you think I’m pretty?”

ALICE
I didn’t say that.

[Dana rolls her eyes]

ALICE
I don’t get it! What do you want from me? What do you want?

[Dana steps close to Alice. She takes the stuffed chicken and sets it down. She kisses Alice
gently. After the kiss is over, they look around nervously]

Episode #18 (5) : “Labyrinth,” March 20, 2005
Written by Rose Troche. Directed by Burr Steers,
Jenny and Shane's new roommate launches a new video project: taping them; Bette and Tina's
brief reunion is marred when Bette gets some bad professional news.

Alice Pieszecki Highlights:

Interior – The Planet – Night. The engagement party for Tonya and Dana is still in full swing.
People are dancing. Music is playing. Alice comes out of the bathroom. Tonya is waiting by the
door. She walks up behind her and takes her arm.

TONY
Alice, I thought you were ignoring us.

[Before Alice can react, Tonya starts walking them toward the stage. Alice looks uncomfortable
and guilty]

ALICE
No—I—no. [laughs nervously]

TONYA
Everybody? [nods at Carmen to turn the music off] Hi!

[The music stops. Everybody looks up to the stage]

TONYA
Everybody, this is Dana’s best friend. And she want to give a toast!

[Polite applause. Alice smiles and blushes. She looks uncomfortable]

ALICE
Um…

[Alice looks at Tonya. Tonya smiles and walks off the stage and back to her table. Dana looks
nervously at Tonya]

142
ALICE
[chuckling] Uh…Uh…Con—Congratulations…you two. Um…

[Alice puts a hand to her chest and takes a quick breath]

ALICE
[smiling] Sorry, I’m a little…I’ve—I’ve known Dana a long time, and, um…I guess like most
things that are right in front of your eyes, y—you don’t…see just how wonderful they are until
they’re gone. Um…Tonya…Um…You are the luckiest…woman…on earth. [laughs nervously]
[to Dana] To my friend…What can I say? Um…congratulations.

[Alice is not sure what else to say. Dana looks at her sadly and gives her an understanding nod.
Alice smiles at her]

ALICE
I love you.

[Some guest respond with “Aww…”]

ALICE
[nervously] Okay.

[Everyone applauds. Alice leaves the stage. Dana looks shaken]

Episode #19 (6): “Lagrimas de Oro,” March 27, 2005
Written by Guinevere Turner. Directed by Jeremy Podeswa.
Tina moves out and considers her attraction to Helena; Alice gives Dana an ultimatum but Tonya
has a shock in store; Jenny and Carmen bond over a lost puppy.

Alice Pieszecki Highlights:

Interior – The Planet – Day. Dana sits at a table sipping a drink. Alice enters and walks to her
table.

DANA
Hey!

ALICE
Hey!

DANA
Where ya been? Tonya’s meeting is only in a couple of hours.

ALICE
I was at Tina’s. What meeting?

DANA
Oh, you know, the Heineken Celebrity Slammin’ Jammin’ Tournament. So… Can we go back to
your place now?

143
ALICE
[smiles at Dana then sits down] Dana.

DANA
Yeah?

ALICE
I’m not gonna do this with you.

DANA
You’re not gonna do what?

ALICE
I’m not gonna sneak around with you. I’m not gonna be your secret lover, your backdoor
woman…

DANA
[shaking head] What…happened?

ALICE
I want you—I want you to leave her.

DANA
Al, I can’t do that right now.

ALICE
Why?

DANA
Because.

[Alice raises her eyebrows]

DANA
The tournament’s tomorrow. Because Tonya set up the whole thing and it’s a really big deal for
me.

ALICE
[raises her eyebrows] Okay. Gross. [gets up and starts to leave]

DANA
No, Al! Alice! Alice!

ALICE
What?

DANA
[waves Alice back to the table] Come here. Please.

[Alice huffs and walks back over and sits down]

144
DANA
Please.

[Alice sighs]

DANA
Al… [takes Alice’s hand. Alice looks away] Look at me, Alice.

ALICE
[looking up] Hmm?

DANA
I really…really wanna be with you.

ALICE
You do?

DANA
Yes.

ALICE
Well…Well then, will you break up with her after the tournament?

[Dana nods. Underneath the table, she slips a shoe off her foot and rubs her foot against Alice’s
ankle. Alice smiles and chuckles. Dana smiles at her]

Interior – La Jolla Hotel – Hallway – Morning. Shane and Alice walk down the hall together.

SHANE
I can’t believe I let you take me to La Jolla for this.

ALICE
Okay. You need to tell her to call this one off. And just explain that the longer she waits, the more
painful it’s gonna get because she doesn’t understand that, and just…like, tell her if she—

SHANE
Alice, why do I have to tell her? She said she’d say something after the game!

[Alice looks confused]

SHANE
[irritated] Honey, mellow out, please!

[Shane and Alice round the corner. Shane sees Tonya down the hallway]

SHANE
There’s Tonya! Cool.

[Alice yanks Shane back to hide behind the corner]

145
SHANE
Shit.

TONYA
[offscreen] Thank you so much for today. I know.

[Alice slyly peeks around the corner. Tonya is standing in her bathrobe, talking on the phone in
the hallway. She has an ice bucket under her arm]

TONYA
[on the phone] Melissa Rivers, I’m dying! I know. I can’t believe. She’s actually hosting the
event.

ALICE
[offscreen] Melissa Rivers?

[Tonya carries the ice bucket down the hall, still talking on the phone. Shane jerks Alice back]

SHANE
She doesn’t even know we’re here, does she?

ALICE
Okay, no. Um… Okay, here’s the plan, Stan. I’m gonna go talk to Dana and you’re gonna call me
on this phone—take this— [gives Shane her bag] If you see Tonya coming. Okay?

SHANE
[shakes head] This is dumb.

ALICE
All right, Sh—I don’t have time for this, Shane. Okay? God.

[Alice leaves Shane holding the bag. She rounds the corner and rushes down the hallway to
Dana’s room]

Interior – Tennis Tournament – Locker Room Hallway – Day. Alice and Dana stand around and
fidget nervously.

ALICE
Okay. Now’s the time.

[Dana takes a deep breath. Alice reaches into her pocket and pulls out her script]

ALICE
Oh, um, I wrote you a script.

DANA
A script?

ALICE
Yeah, so you know what to say. Um.

146

[Alice and Dana look at the script together]

ALICE
Do you want to practice?

DANA
Okay. [reading] Tonya, there’s something I need to say to you…I can’t say this, Al, it’s horrible!

ALICE
[looks at the script] How is [reading] “This isn’t easy for me because you’ve worked really hard
and done so much for my career” horrible? I’m trying to soften the blow here.

DANA
Because [reading] “I don’t know what I was thinking when I agreed to marry you”? That’s a
hideous thing to say to anybody, Al.

[Alice snatches the script away and stuffs it back in her pocket]

ALICE
Fine. No script. It’s okay.

DANA
[sighs] Oh, God.

ALICE
Just improv.

DANA
[puts her head in her hands] I can’t do this.

ALICE
Yes, you can.

DANA
No, I can’t.

ALICE
I believe in you.

DANA
You do?

ALICE
Yeah. Dana, go. Go!

DANA
Okay, okay.

[Dana heads into the locker room. Alice peeks in, nervously biting her bottom lip]

147
Episode #20 (7): “Luminous,” April 3, 2005
Written by Ilene Chaiken. Directed by Ernest Dickerson.
Alice and Dana tentatively begin dating, while Tina comes between Helena and her ex, Bette
rejoins the singles scene, and Shane dulls her pain over Jenny and Carmen.

Alice Pieszecki Highlights:

Interior – Alice’s Bedroom – Morning. Alice and Dana are cuddling in bed.

ALICE
We have to do it.

DANA
We did it all night long. We just went to sleep three hours ago, Alice. I’m beginning to think
you’re a sex maniac.

ALICE
Not that, no. Sounds great, though. [sighs] We have to tell our friends.

DANA
Mmph. God.

ALICE
I know. They’re gonna freak. It’s a lesbian curse, you know? Whenever two people in a group of
friends become girlfriends.

DANA
Mm.

ALICE
Throws off the whole balance.

DANA
They should be happy for us.

ALICE
I know. It’s just—I dunno. It messes things up. It’s like, one minute we’re their friends
individually and the next minute it’s like, “Okay, well, if I wanna hang out with Alice, does that
mean I have to invite Dana, too?”

DANA
[smirks] Thanks, Al.

ALICE
I didn’t mean it like that. [kisses Dana]

DANA
Mm-hmm.

148
Exterior – Runyon Canyon – Day. Alice and Dana are holding hands, walking along the jogging
path.

DANA
I did Jenny, Shane and Carmen. Oh, Carmen’s already going to be working there, but I thought
it’d be nice if I called her and officially asked her.

ALICE
Right, and I did Bette and Tina. And Tina wanted to invite Helena and I was like, “Tina, that’s so
not cool to Bette.”

DANA
Aww. [kisses Alice’s hand] You’re so smart and so thoughtful. [giggles]

ALICE
Yeah. But you didn’t tell anybody what it—what it was about, did you?

DANA
No.

ALICE
Okay. I just, you know, I just—I think it’s really important that we tell everyone at the same time
because someone’s gonna feel less important than somebody else.

DANA
But Shane already knows.

ALICE
Yeah, but Shane didn’t tell anybody. She’s like the only person on earth who can actually keep a
secret.

Episode #21 (8): “Loyal,” April 10, 2005
Written by A.M. Holmes. Directed by Alison MacLean.
Bette and Tina agree to forge a new relationship; Jenny loses a chance to ghost-write a macho TV
star's autobiography because she's gay; Shane goes to church.

Alice Pieszecki Highlights:

Interior – Alice’s Apartment – Bedroom – Morning. Alice and Dana are asleep in Alice’s bed.
The clock radio comes on. Alice rolls over and groggily hits it. Alice rolls back over on top of
Dana. They cuddle. Dana starts to kiss Dana’s back when Dana’s eye pop open.

DANA
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

[Dana squirms out from under Alice. Alice flops over onto the other side of the bed]

ALICE
God, don’t freak, it’s Sunday, we’re allowed to get up late.

149
DANA
[scrambling to put on her clothes] Alice, it’s Monday.

ALICE
[sits up groggily] No. Mm-mm. no, it’s Sunday.

DANA
Alice, think about it. Yesterday, we got brunch delivered and then the night before, we watched
Saturday Night Live.

ALICE
[gasps] Right! Oh, fuck! Oh, my God, I have my KCRW thing tomorrow! [sits up quickly] I
haven’t come up with a single idea! I’m totally fucking up! Oh, God.

[Alice scrambles off the bed and gets dressed. Dana sits on the bed]

ALICE
Uh, it’s—uh! What am I gonna do for my audition?! A once-a-week, three-minute culture spot.
Great. I need fucking ideas!

DANA
People who ruin their lives because they can’t stop having sex?

ALICE
Okay. That’s really not helping. [puts on her glasses and grabs her laptop]

DANA
I’m sorry. Look, you’re not the only one who’s blown off important things to stay in bed fucking
for five days, okay? I should be training.

ALICE
You should always be training. So.

DANA
All right, look.

[Dana sits up and takes Alice’s face in her hands]

DANA
I’m gonna go make us some coffee, okay?

ALICE
Okay.

[They kiss]

DANA
Work.

[They kiss]

150
ALICE
Okay.

[Dana leaves for the kitchen]

DANA
Get to work!

ALICE
Okay, okay. [plops on the bed on her stomach with her laptop]

Interior – Alice’s Apartment – Bedroom – Day. Alice sits on the bed with her laptop. Dana sits on
the edge of the bed, lifting weights.

ALICE
Okay. Listen to this. Um… [starts to read] Walking through Fred Segal this week, I could sense
all was not right in the world of consumerism. Something’s wrong.

DANA
You said that.

ALICE
What?

DANA
Well, you said all was not right and then you said something’s wrong. Just… It seems redundant.

ALICE
Okay. May I?

DANA
Yeah, go ahead.

ALICE
Okay. [clears throat and starts reading again] There’s an invasion underway. Our troops are in
Iraq, in Afghanistan, and we are here, shopping.

DANA
What are you doing to your voice?

ALICE
It’s my radio commentator voice. You have to have one. Can I continue now?

DANA
Yeah. Sorry.

ALICE
Thank you. [clears throat and starts reading again] Is the main mission of our troops the
protection of our way of life, and is our way of life defined by our consumerism? Are women and
men dying in Iraq so that back home we can shop till we drop?

151
DANA
Is consumerism the right word?

[Alice stops and stares at Dana]

Interior – Alice’s Apartment – Living Room – Night. Alice and Dana are sitting on the coach.
Alice is writing on a notepad and Dana is watching a cooking show.

ALICE
Okay. Okay, will you listen to this one? [turns off the television with the remote] Okay, so
basically I’m gonna get someone from the left, someone from the right, someone from the
center—local, elected officials, whatever. And then I’m gonna interview them about trends.
Okay? So. [reading] State Attorney General Wachtel, have you shopped for your new
granddaughter at the new La La Ling baby store in Los Feliz? So.

DANA
Mm-hmm.

ALICE
So, I’m trying to get that intersection between culture and politics.

DANA
I don’t know. Al, it’s good. It’s just—it’s not funny.

ALICE
It’s not supposed to be funny. Hello? Have you listened to KCRW?

DANA
Yeah, but didn’t Mimi ask you personally to try out for this?

ALICE
So?

DANA
So, she must want you to be you.

ALICE
No, I’m not going to be a [makes air quotes] funny person on the radio. I don’t know why
everybody thinks I’m so funny.

DANA
Because you are. Alice, you’re a funny lady and it’s one of the things I love about you, and I’m
not the only one.

ALICE
[pouts and scribbles on her notepad] I don’t like you very much right now.

[Dana takes Alice’s pen and notepad and sets them on the coffee table. She gets up on her knees
on the couch and pulls Alice’s legs around her waist]

152
DANA
It makes me so hot when you’re angry.

ALICE
Oh yeah?

DANA
Oh yeah.

ALICE
[giggling] You’re totally topping me again.

DANA
I’m sorry, I couldn’t hear you through the feathers, Pillow Queen.

[Alice laughs]

Interior – Santa Monica College – KCRW Studio – Day. Alice is sitting in a small, darkened
room at a desk in front of a microphone. She’s looking at her notes. The radio announcer sits in a
closed booth inside the room. Mimi walks in.

MIMI
Alice.

ALICE
Hi, Mimi.

MIMI
I’m so happy to see you. [hugs Alice]

ALICE
Oh, you’re not gonna believe what just happened to me.

MIMI
What?

ALICE
Ohh. [chuckles]

MIMI
Are you ready?

ALICE
Yeah. [smiles] I am ready. I am ready.

RADIO ANNOUNCER
Can you say a few words, please?

ALICE
Yes, I ca—um—

153
[Mimi moves the microphone closer to Alice and then sits at a desk opposite her]

ALICE
Yep. Okay. Good. Okay. [into microphone] Hello.

[Alice chuckles then starts using her radio commentator voice from earlier]

ALICE
[into microphone] Um, hi—hi, this is Alice Pieszecki. This is—one, two, is that good?

RADIO ANNOUNCER
That’s good.

[Alice is not aware that the segment has begun. She begins talking to Mimi in her regular voice]

ALICE
[to Mimi] Um, yeah. So out walks Lara, who’s the—the ex of my current girlfriend. And, uh,
what does she do? She makes out with my ex. [chuckles] I mean—if I was going to draw you a
picture of this, um, Alice to Dana, Dana to Lara…Lara to Gabby—hi, gross. Gabby to Alice. I’m
just totally freaked out about it! [laughs] I’m sorry, it’s like… Ahh!

[Alice pages through her notes. Mimi quietly turns to the radio announcer in the booth and signals
him to roll the tape. Alice does not notice]

ALICE
Um, I don’t know, it’s—well, I have this chart, and, it’s, you know, started on the back of a
napkin but now it takes up an entire wall in my living room. But it’s about these entanglements,
you know? It’s—it’s like, got, uh, relationships on it, one night stands… Pretty much has
anybody who slept with anybody else…

Episode #22 (9): “Late, Later, Latent,” April 17, 2005
Written by David Stenn. Directed by Tony Goldwyn.
Alice's sex-toy request freaks out Dana; Jenny learns the truth about TV star Burr — and about
Carmen's feelings for Shane; Bette and Tina have a brief encounter.

Episode #23 (10): “Land Ahoy,” April 24, 2005
Written by Ilene Chaiken. Directed by Tricia Brock.
A lesbian cruise in the Caribbean proves eventful for Dana, Alice, Shane, Jenny and Carmen;
Bette and Kit struggle to connect with their aging father Melvin (the late Ossie Davis) during a
visit.

Episode #24 (11): “Loud & Proud,” May 1, 2005
Written by Rose Troche. Directed by Elizabeth Hunter.
Against the backdrop of a gay-pride parade, shocking secrets are revealed about Dana's brother
and Jenny's past; Bette and Kit deal with their rapidly deteriorating father.

Episode #25 (12): “L’Chaim,” May 8, 2005
Written by Ilene Chaiken. Directed by John Curran.
Bette moves her father into her home for his final days; Alice struggles with her jealousy over
Dana's dinner with an ex and Jenny flirts with danger while confronting a repressed memory.

154
Episode #26 (13): “Lacuna,” May 15, 2005
Written by Ilene Chaiken. Directed by Ilene Chaikan.
Melvin's memorial service is attended by a surprise guest; Bette is fired by Franklin, then coaches
Tina through what turns out to be an unexpectedly difficult labor and delivery; Jenny is in trouble
and asks for help.

Season Three:
Episode #27 (1): “Labia Majora,” January 8, 2006
The third season opens with Bette and Tina trying to rekindle their sexual groove after having a
child; road rage grabs hold of Alice as she chases after Dana through the streets of Los Angeles;
Helena purchases a movie studio; Jenny leaves the mid-west and heads back out to LA.

Episode #28 (2): “Lost Weekend,” January 15, 2006
Billie Blaikie, a flamboyant party promoter sets up shop at The Planet; Alice refuses to let Helena
throw out the life-size cut out of Dana; Jenny wants to be more than just friends with Moira; and
Bette feels her life is out of her control.

Episode #29 (3): “Lobsters,” January 22, 2006
Shane sets up at Venice Beach's coolest new skate shop WAX; Jenny brings Moira home to LA
and introduces her to the girls; Kit finds a friend in Angus, Bette and Tina's nanny; Alice
continues her descent into a black hole over losing Dana; Bette refuses to curtail her spending
habits; and Tina goes to work for Helena.

Alice Pieszecki Highlights:

Interior – radio studio.

ALICE
From her new album on Martha Records, that was Amy Cook singing ‘Million Holes in Heaven.’
And I’m Alice Pieszecki and you’re listening to The Chart on KCRW, welcome back. Today on
The Chart we’re looking at how do you end a vicious cycle. (spills out contents of a pill bottle)
Oh, and for those of you out there in radioland who are sick of hearing me rant about my ex,
Dana, you’ll be happy to know this is not about her. This continuum of connectedness is about
the cause and effect of one psychotropic drug after another to the point where you’re medicating
your medication. Why don’t we start with the very first antidepressant I tried. It made me just a
little intense. (Flashback to Alice slashing Lara’s tires with a knife) So then I said to my doctor,
can you just give me something strong, really strong that’ll just make me happy, is that too much
to ask? So…he gave me lithium. So this one really just made me hallucinate that I was happy.
(Flashback to Alice laughing, pouring wine for Dana’s cutout which sits across from her at the
dinner table. Alice asks the cutout, “Did you change your hair?”) Then the withdrawal from those
two drugs gave me ADD. So. I got the ADD drug. You know the one. (Flashback to Alice
impatiently tapping a pill bottle against the pharmacy counter) Gerber monster wrote me a
prescription for the new SSRI which he highly recommends, but said under rare cases may cause
me to commit suicide. So, I was a little scared to take those. Which meant I wasn’t on anything,
which meant I actually felt like having sex again! (Flashback to Alice using a dildo) Which made
me want to kill myself. (Flashback to Alice glancing at Dana’s cutout and crying)

155
Interior – Hospital.

RADIO ANNOUNCER
This is KCRW Santa Monica at 89.9, hand-picked music and NPR news, morning, noon and
night. Don’t forget to listen to The Chart with Alice Pieszecki Thursday afternoon at 3 ‘o clock.
(nurse laughs, Alice’s voice screaming “Dana!” heard from the radio nurse is listening to)

DANA
Excuse me, would you mind turning that off, thanks.

NURSE
That show is so funny! Alice Pieszecki the host is completely falling apart because her girlfriend
left her. The girlfriend just seems like this complete nitwit and you don’t know why Alice is so
obsessed with her in the first place!

DANA
Do you have any idea why this is taking so long?

Interior – Radio station.

PRODUCER, RUTH
Twenty-seven, Alice.

ALICE
Twenty-seven…twenty-seven. What do you mean?

RUTH
That’s the number of times that you mentioned Dana in this broadcast, which is down from forty-
three in the previous show.

ALICE
See! What’d I tell you, I’m practically over her.

RUTH
I could fire you right now.

ALICE
You could?

RUTH
But I’m not going to. I am going to give you one more chance. But I need to know in advance
what your topics are going to be and I’d like to see a script. Yes, I’d like to see a script, I need to
see a script in which the letters ‘d’ ‘a’ followed by ‘n’ ‘a’ are nowhere in evidence! How bout
that?

ALICE
Okay.

156
RUTH
Okay.

Episode #30 (4): “Light My Fire,” January 29, 2006
Jenny freaks out after Moira disappears all night; Bette takes on Capitol Hill; Carmen spins for
Russell Simmons; Billie Jean King interviews Dana at a tennis match; Kit wonders if she's made
the right choice with Billie as The Planet's new charge des affaires; and Helena falls for a
documentary filmmaker.

Alice Pieszecki Highlights:

Interior – radio studio.

ALICE
And today. Um. I’m sure in the world of connectivity though, I will come up with something
really meaningful and entertaining. Um…I don’t really know what to talk about if I don’t talk
about Dana. Wait a minute, my producer’s trying to tell me something. What Ruth, What’re you
trying to tell me? Something about a dick? Head? A dickhead? A dickhead? Okay. A dickhead. A
dickhead…um…speaking of dickheads, what about George Bush? He’s a total dickhead. And
what about his dick? You know? I think that’s really the question we need to put to the
Democrats, why are we not talking about George Bush’s penis. You know, with all the times that
the Republicans talked about Bill Clinton’s penis, you know, we knew its shape, we knew its size,
we knew who it was friends with, we knew it had enemies. Bill Clinton’s penis had a bend in it!
(Her producer smacks a sign on the window separating them that says, “YOU ARE DEAD TO
ME.”) What about W. Is there a bend in the Bush administration?

Interior – Dana’s car – Day.

ALICE (on the radio)
Maybe if we knew more about George W’s weapon of mass destruction, you know, we could
figure out how to blow him out of office. Okay? So come on, you nascent muckrakers and you
so-called journalists, let’s go, I say it’s time to put the presidential privates in public. Okay, I’m
Alice Pieszecki and this is The Chart—” (Dana turns off radio)

Episode #31 (5): “Lifeline,” February 5, 2006
Dana gets the results of her biopsy and hears the "c word;" Alice meets Uta, a lesbian vampire at
"Bisexual Speed-Dating;" Bette accidentally discovers something disturbing in Tina's online chat
room; ex-flame Cherie drops into WAX and Shane's chair; Jenny gets word that a publisher is
interested in her work and tries to be supportive with Moira's transition to Max.

Episode #32 (6): “Lifesize,” February 12, 2006
Tina continues to struggle with her sexual feelings for men; Kit gives in to Angus; the girls rush
to the hospital to be by Dana's side; New York comes calling to Jenny; Moira finds there's a
shortcut to getting male hormones.

Episode #33 (7): “Lone Star,” February 19, 2006
Jenny injects hormones into Moira; Dana undergoes chemo therapy and lashes out at Lara; Shane
and Carmen get matching tattoos; Alice frantically searches for the Dana cutout; B52s hit the
stage at The Planet; Kit fires Billie; and Tina takes another step towards Josh.

157
Alice Pieszecki Highlights:

Exterior – University campus – Day. Alice is walking around campus with Uta.

ALICE
Wow…that was…really incredible. Really. I just, I just love listening to you. And your students
love listening to you. You’re a really incredible teacher…

UTA
This is my favorite church in L.A.

ALICE
Um, yeah, I’m not going in there.

UTA
One embrace doesn’t make you a vampire, Alice.

ALICE
No, I agree with vampires, it’s not that, it’s just as far as I’m concerned, God sucks. [looks down
at the floor]

UTA
God sucks. That’s pretty aesthetically dark.

ALICE
Yeah. My…my ex…and my best friend, Dana, she’s um…she’s thirty-two-fuckin’-years-old and
she has breast cancer and today she was going in for chemo and I just would’ve, I wanted to be
there, so.

UTA
You’re still in love with her.

ALICE
No. I…Since I met you, and I’m not telling you this to freak you out or anything, it’s just…I kind
of had this, uh, shrine. She’s a pro tennis player and she had a little, or big, life-size cutout of
herself, and I…

UTA
Well, we all have different rituals to exorcise heartbreak. You haven’t completed yours, Alice.

ALICE
No, I did. I did. You know, I threw it away. Last week. Since you released me from my mortal
coils.

UTA
You threw it away.

ALICE
Yeah, I did. I really, it was a big deal for me.

158
UTA
Get her back, Alice.

ALICE
Why? I threw it away, it’s gone, I mean, the garbage men, they took it away this morning. It’s
gone.

UTA
You endowed mojo into this life-size voodoo doll. You don’t just throw it away. You have to
properly release it and let her go.

ALICE
I do?

UTA
Call me, when you’ve taken care of Dana.

Interior – Dana’s apartment – Day.

DANA
And that was it, she said she was going to go to Paris for this class and that she couldn’t handle it
anymore and that was it. She just left me, I can’t fucking believe she just left me.

ALICE
I can.

DANA
What the fuck is that supposed to mean?

ALICE
It means you’ve been a total monster and I know how much Lara loves you and you just pushed
her too far.

DANA
I’m sick, Al, and she fuckin’ abandoned me.

ALICE
No, you’ve been showing her the door with this, self-pity bullshit.

DANA
Fuck you, Al.

ALICE
You know what Dana? Not fuck me. You know why? Cause you have to get a grip otherwise
you’re not going to have anyone else left to call.

DANA
Why are you doing this?

159
ALICE
Cause I’m your friend, and I’m not going to let you treat me like shit. You know, you’re
surrounded by love and you have fucking insurance and you have a family and friends…a home,
you’re young. And you should be out of bed.

DANA
I’m sick, Al.

ALICE
I know, you…You have cancer. (takes her hand) But you’re nauseous from the medicine, you’re
not bedridden. You know what I think? (Dana shakes her head) I think you should come out with
me tonight. I don’t think the B-52s should miss you.

DANA
I like the B-52s.

ALICE
(smiles) I know.

DANA
I can’t, Al. Somebody’s gonna bump into me and…my bandages aren’t even off yet…

ALICE
All right, well, I’ll call Kit and I’ll have her rope off a little special section for us. K? And guess
what.

DANA
What?

ALICE
I’m gonna take care of you. I’m gonna make sure that you’re safe. I promise. (kisses Dana’s
head) I promise.

Interior – The Planet – Night.

ALICE
You know the article I wrote about gender reassignment surgery?

CARMEN
Oh my God, I loved that article, it was all about, like, women who become men and take
hormones and testosterone, and they like cut off all their hair and they cut their tits…

DANA
I’m gonna go.

160
Episode #34 (8): “Latecomer,” February 26, 2006
Moira informs everyone she is to be called Max; Kit gets a helping hand from Nona Hendryx;
Helena takes Dana and the girls to a basketball game; Jenny gets busy trying to throw Max a
benefit party; Tina moves out of Bette's bed; and Dana gets a new look.

Episode #35 (9): “Lead, Follow Or Get Out,” March 5, 2006
Dana meets Dr. Susan Love and looks like she's on the road to recovery; Carmen comes out to
her family; Helena gets slapped with a law suit; Jenny goes to an F to M transsexual support
group to deal with Max; Bette keeps struggling to find inner peace.

Alice Pieszecki Highlights:

Interior – Restaurant – Night.

ALICE
Oh, I don’t know. You know my mother, she’s straight as the day is long, but she loves to hit on
my girlfriends.

CHANDRA
Mine still has no boundaries. My ex and I are renting a house in the north of Spain in this little
town called Sitges, my mother went ahead and bought a plane ticket.

ALICE
Your ex and you?

CHANDRA
No, no, no, believe me, we’re so not getting back together. We’ve been exes for like, seven years.
We take vacations together every spring.

ALICE
So it’s the weird lesbian blah la la. (laughs)

CHANDRA
(laughs) Yeah. Where we maintain deep, intimate, sexless relationships with our past lovers.

ALICE
I know all about it. (Alice’s phone rings) Speaking of exes.

CHANDRA
Go ahead.

ALICE
Ok. (answers phone) Hey, Dana…um, yeah. So you want me to come over after dinner? Alright,
I’ll see you soon. Ok…See you soon. Bye. (hangs up phone) I think she’s a little freaked out that
I’m going out with you.

CHANDRA
Does she want to get back together?

161
ALICE
That’s a loaded question! Uh…I don’t know…It’s kind of hard to tell with everything she’s going
through, so. (phone rings) Sorry. Hi Dana. O…Ok…I’ll be right there…No, I’m leaving right
now, I’m leaving right now. Ok. (hangs up phone) Um, I—

CHANDRA
It’s ok, I understand.

ALICE
I’m so sorry, I’m sure she’s fine, she just, she just sounds really scared.

CHANDRA
It’s fine. I’ll take care of the check.

ALICE
No, I…
CHANDRA
It’s fine, okay?

ALICE
I’m so sorry, so, so sorry about this.

CHANDRA
Maybe I’ll get a rain check.

ALICE
Okay. Okay, thanks.

CHANDRA
No problem.

ALICE
Uh, thanks for understanding. I’ll call you soon.

Episode #36 (10): “Losing the Light,” March 12, 2006
Alice keeps vigil at Dana's bedside while she takes a turn for the worse; Carmen drops the
unexpected on Shane; Bette's attempts at inner peace don't come easily; Lara calls from France
looking for Dana; Jenny meets up with her ex-husband Tim and introduces him to Max; Peggy
Peabody flies in to save Helena and the company; Tina settles in with Henry.

Episode #37 (11): “Last Dance,” March 19, 2006
Alice steals some of Dana's ashes; Bette thinks about fighting for sole custody of baby Angelica;
Lara arrives home too late; and, Max finally lands a job where Moira got turned down.

Alice Pieszecki Highlights:

Interior – Log cabin.

162
ALICE
I was writing for this girl’s sports magazine, if you can believe that, me writing for sports. But,
um, I was given an assignment to interview this tennis player.

ALICE (flashback)
Ok. (flips page of notebook) Dana. (laughs) I’m excited about this interview. (puts tape recorder
in middle of table)

DANA
Oh, good.

ALICE
Um…did you have a special person, like a mentor or someone who inspired you?

DANA
Yeah. (long pause) Um. Well, um. I was a senior camper at Camp Imalahkaha… A: Oh. D: And I
was in Hinyata and Hinyata means leader. And there was this…I had a bunk mate who was just
sort of like the leader of all of us leaders and um, she was—(Alice moves tape recorder closer to
Dana)

DANA
Oh! (laughs nervously) She was…she was um, just really mature and together and strong. She
was really funny….And she always knew that she was…(Looks at Alice, Alice feigns not
knowing) gonna be a professional tennis player. (Alice looks surprised at how Dana finished her
sentence then looks bored) So, um. So I guess, yeah, she, she was sort of the first person that I
really looked up to in that way.

ALICE
Right, right.

DANA
But she was always an amazing athlete, you know. And she was beautiful, too. I mean, she had
long, blonde hair and um, really incredible muscles, and she was always really tan, just…

ALICE
Wow!

DANA
Yeah…

ALICE
So it was kind of like, I mean if like…is it fair to say maybe you were…infatuated or uh, uh, you
had in love feelings for her?

DANA
No. (laughs) No.

ALICE
But I mean, you must’ve, you know, had like a crush or you know. You know, not to say that she
was a dyke or that you are but that—

163
DANA
What are you talking about?

ALICE
Well. Girl athlete, long blonde hair, big muscles…(gives Dana a knowing look)

DANA
You know, I’m sorry. (turns off the tape recorder) I just, I can’t do this interview. I’ve heard
about this kind of stuff happening before and I just never really expected it from a reputable
publication like yours. I have to go. You’ll be hearing from my lawyer.

Episode #38 (12): “Left Hand of the Goddess,” March 26, 2006
The girls plan for Shane and Carmen's wedding while still grieving the loss of Dana. Shane goes
to Oregon to meet her estranged father. Kit finds out she's pregnant. Bette continues to consider
sole custody of Angelica, with Joyce Wischnia acting as attorney-at-large. Jenny realizes that
Max's quest to fit in is not what she wants.

Alice Pieszecki Highlights:

Interior – Radio station.

ALICE
I want to believe my friends. Believe me, I do. Cause my friend Shane is getting married this
weekend. And I wanna believe for Shane, and I wanna believe for all of the rest of us who are
flailing around in the abyss trying to feel what we’re supposed to feel in order to connect in
meaningful ways. I wanna believe that real, true connection among human beings is actually
possible. And supposedly, marriage can access, I mean supposedly, improves our moral fiber and
all. Which begs the question. I mean, why do these crazy, creepy, defending the family crusaders
say that it’s a bad thing for gays? I mean, why can’t they just wish us well? Hypocrites. Cuz
we’re going to Canada, people. Whether you like it or not. To take our best shot at this
connection. And if we fail, it is not because we are less wholesome than you are. Please, I mean,
you guys have been failing miserably at this since the beginning of recorded history. And if we
succeed, and our love connections actually flourish, and there’s a little less…loneliness in the
world, then even I might start believing in miracles.

Season Four:
Episode #39 (1): “Legend in the Making,” January 7, 2007
Bette kidnaps baby Angelica until a custody agreement can be brokered with Tina; Shane jilts
Carmen at the altar and spirals out of control; Jenny is reunited with Marina; Helena's mother cuts
her off.

Alice Pieszecki Highlights:

Exterior – Restaurant – Day.

HELENA
One credit card with a $3500 limit. I can’t even buy a pair of shoes for $3500!

ALICE
Well, no, not if you’re talking about $14,000 handmade in Barcelona lace-ups, no.

164
HELENA
But I had to! I mean, they were perfect with that empire waist vintage print shift!

WAITER
Refill?

HELENA
No, I don’t think I can afford it.

ALICE
Helena, it’s free. Um…what about your car? Wasn’t your car worth like $300,000? I mean, you
could live on that for like two years!

HELENA
Well, maybe you could. All right, maybe I could. If my mother hadn’t already repossessed it. Wit
suggested I look into something called a Hyundai?

ALICE
Hyundai? Wow. She really does wanna bring you down, huh?

HELENA
Yeah. Out of love

ALICE
You know what I think? I think you should move in with me. I mean, just, you know, until we get
you on your feet.

HELENA
Alice, I couldn’t!

ALICE
You have been like the most generous friend to me and I feel like this is the first time I have
something to offer you in return. It’s gonna be ok, we’re gonna help you through this.

HELENA
I just, I had no idea I could feel this warm and fuzzy being poor.

ALICE
Yeah. (pats Helena’s knee)

Interior – The Planet – Day.

JENNY
Of course I’m going to read my own reviews. Why shouldn’t I?

ALICE
Well, in case somebody doesn’t say something quite so positive?

165
JENNY
This is purely for informational purposes. Oh, guess what. Um, we got a mention on MySpace
and we took out an ad in Our Chart!

ALICE
Why, thank you! Very sweet.

HELENA
How does it work? This chart of yours? I mean, I’ve never actually been on it…

JENNY
You’ve never been on Our Chart?

ALICE
What?!

JENNY
Oh my God, it’s so much fun, you don’t know what you’re missing.

ALICE
Yeah, no, it’s like a social networking site.

JENNY
For lesbians.

ALICE
Yeah.

JENNY
Yeah.

HELENA
Do you have to sleep with someone first though?

ALICE
Well, I mean, when I first put it up that was the core concept, like, you know Jenny slept with
Tina who slept with Annie, who slept with—

HELENA
You slept with Tina?

JENNY
No! I would never sleep with Tina!

ALICE
Hypothetical! But like, you know, lesbians being lesbians, they started logging on and talking
about themselves and…(to Jenny, taking the laptop) Can I show her? And um, but for me, it’s
always about the hookup page. See, like, ok, so here’s me, and then that’s my whole
constellation. And I slept with Gabby Devoux so I wanna add her to my constellation so I submit
her name and the webmaster will e-mail her saying, you know, “Alice Pieszecki has added your

166
name to Our Chart, would like to put you on her hookups page.” And then if she gives
permission, then she has the choice of starting her own constellation.

JENNY
There’s Gabby Devoux. (points to laptop screen)

HELENA
Woah, that’s a lot of hookups.

ALICE
Yeah. She’s a whore. But um, let’s see, oh have you seen Shane?

JENNY
Yeah, can I show you? Cuz if you were to then click on Shane’s name, you can then see how
many people Shane slept with. (963) She’s what we call a Hub, which anyone who’s slept with
over 50 people. She’s considered the hub of hubs.

ALICE
Right, and once you become a hub, then you sort of become a portal because inevitably, you’re
gonna like bring us into a whole new solar system.

JENNY
Yeah, look. Do you remember that Japanese girl that Shane slept with? Well, now the Japanese
girl in Kyoto has her whole new solar system out there.

ALICE
Yeah.

JENNY
Yeah. Should we look at Carmen?

HELENA
Yeah.

ALICE
Well, maybe we should leave Carmen out of it.

JENNY
Yeah, let’s look at Carmen. Okay, so look. Carmen has her whole solar system in East LA.

HELENA
Ah, I can see that! Look at that, there’s like Rosa, Marailana...I had no idea it was such a big deal,
Alice!

ALICE
I know, we’re going to have to upgrade the server because we’re getting so much traffic.

HELENA
What’s the term you use if there’s a group of girls?

167
JENNY
Solar system.

HELENA
There’s a girl here on Carmen’s solar system, she’s got more hits than Shane.

JENNY
No way.

ALICE
Oh, that’s not possible.

JENNY
Can I have my computer.

HELENA
No, look!

JENNY
Oh my God.

HELENA
See.

JENNY
You’re right! Look at this! This girl has slept with one-thousand-one-hundred—(gasps) She just
added a name! Now it’s one-thousand-one-hundred and fifty-one!

ALICE
I gotta see who this is. Who the hell is Papi?!

Interior – Radio station.

ALICE
This morning it was one thousand, one hundred and fifty. Now tonight, well, look at that. It’s up
to 1-3-7-7. Now, that’s all within only twenty hours after her name appeared on Our Chart. She
has crashed our server, she has caused an all-out panic across our programmers, and she’s
displaced perhaps the greatest player in the history of players! Now, all I can say is, Papi! Papi, if
you are out there, if you are real, if you really exist, please make contact with us. You can call us,
you can send us an e-mail, uh, let us know where you hang out! I will find you. Um, let us know
when you sleep, if you do. I just wanna know, Papi, how you do that thing you do. This is Alice
Pieszecki, signing off with the question that is on everyone’s mind tonight: Where’s Papi?

Episode #40 (2): “Livin’ La Vida Loca,” January 14, 2007
Bette adjusts to her new job in academia for a formidable new boss; Jenny's book receives a
scathing review; Tina must fire Helena from the studio, leaving her nowhere to go but accept a
roommate offer from Alice.

168
Alice Pieszecki Highlights:

Exterior – The Planet – Day.

ALICE
(looking at Our Chart on her laptop) Tonight, 10 p.m. I’ll be there, will you. I’m sure you will,
Papi.

TINA
You call your computer Papi?

ALICE
Oh. No, it’s this girl on Our Chart. Papi. You know, she has more hits than Shane. How do you
not know this? Where have you been?

TINA
(laughs)

ALICE
Oh, right, stuck in the far reaches of heteroville, that’s right.

TINA
(sarcasm) It’s so scary! I think I remember you lurking around there a couple of years ago.

ALICE
But I did come to my senses, see that’s the difference between you and me.

Interior – Restaurant – Night.

ALICE
Hey, can I, would you mind if I tape recorded this?

PAPI
(shakes her head) No.

ALICE
(turns tape recorder on) Great, great. Ah, interview, um, with the famous Papi, um…(Papi shakes
her head) Papi. (puts tape recorder on table)

PAPI
Yolanda! We’ll have one of those pitchers. So what you wanna know about Papi, huh?

ALICE
Well, Papi. You have become sort of a legend in about two days on my website. You crashed my
whole server.

PAPI
What can I say, I’ve been blessed. The ladies like me as much as I like them.

169
ALICE
We’re talking about a hell of a lot of ladies!

PAPI
Well, like I said, I’ve been blessed. A lot.

ALICE
Right. But why do you think that happens to you?

PAPI
It’s not something that I do, girl. It’s not like I wake up in the morning and say, ‘I’m gonna get
me some pussy today.’ Well, sometimes, but…

ALICE
Me too, yeah, yeah.

PAPI
You know, I just do my thing. I live my life and my life is girls.

ALICE
Mm-hm. But here’s the question Papi. Why do you think they flock to you?

PAPI
Love, I guess. They know I love ‘em.

ALICE
Really? Really, Papi?

PAPI
Mm-hm. I love their voices, I love their eyes, their hair, their curves, their bodies, their laughter.
The sadness. The wetness. See, everything about a woman, I love. (getting closer to Alice)
Touching them, feeling their skin against mine, making them feel good. See, I respect them. I
respect myself. And um.

ALICE
And what?

PAPI
They like the way I kiss. I can make a woman cum just by kissing her.

Episode #41 (3): “Lassoed,” January 21, 2007
Bette embarks on an ill-advised affair with a teaching assistant, and her boss Phyllis comes out;
Jenny tries to dig up dirt on the journalist that panned her book; Tina throws a party; Shane gets
Helena a job at WAX.

Episode #42 (4): “Layup,” January 28, 2007
Bette deals with an artist (Marlee Matlin) whose work is politically incendiary, and fears the
potential for disaster in the relationship between Phyllis and Alice; Tina is rejected by her friends
at a basketball game and joins the opposing team.

170
Alice Pieszecki Highlights:

Interior—Restroom.

ALICE
on the toilet, on the phone w/ Shane) She challenged us. Yes, and she’s calling you like vanilla
spice and she said all we could do was shop…Back to school night, what’s that?...Yes, I’m
peeing. No, Shane, we have to kick their asses is the point. West Hollywood is our territory, we
can’t just let them have it without putting up a fight, you know what I mean? Yeah…And, and,
and she said like thirty of the hottest girls show up every Sunday. Yeah. I know! Ok…Aw, great!
I knew you wouldn’t let down the team! Ok. We have to think of a game plan, so. All right, we’ll
talk later. Ok. Bye. (hangs up phone) Yay!

Exterior – Bette’s backyard – Day.

BETTE
I cannot believe you fucked my boss. Do you understand the consequences of this?

ALICE
Really intense, great orgasms?

BETTE
I’m serious, Alice. She’s never been with women before.

ALICE
She could’ve fooled me. Ah, Bette, just chill! I mean, everybody has their first time, ok? And I
have to say, I’m a very good first.

BETTE
She’s not just some girl on your chart. All right? Phyllis is the executive vice chancellor of a
major university, married with children, considerably older than you.

ALICE
Right, exactly, which is why I thought she would that she, you know, she knows what she’s
doing. Come on, it’s all about me broadening my horizons right now, ok? And I, I liked trying an
older vintage.

BETTE
No! Lalalalala! No!

ALICE
Ok, I’m not gonna let this get out of hand, I promise.

BETTE
Thank you.

ALICE
Can we talk about basketball now?

171
BETTE
I haven’t played basketball since junior year in high school.

ALICE
You played in high school? Ok, listen. We need you because our honor is at stake.

BETTE
I don’t have time, Alice. I’m not into that competitive team sport thing anyway.

ALICE
It’s just gonna be a couple of hours on Sunday and it’ll give you a good chance to hang out with
your friends.

BETTE
I have a report due. I have a speech that I have to write for the donors reception. I have five
budgets–

ALICE
I’m gonna call Phyllis and I am gonna tell her to order you to play. Oh, she’ll do anything I want
right now. Anything. Oh, it’s so clever, I can’t believe myself. (Bette throws a pool toy at her)

Episode #43 (5): “Lez Girls,” February 4, 2007
The tryst between Bette and her TA threatens her new career; Alice breaks up with Phyllis after
meeting her husband; Tina discovers Angus with her au pair Hazel; Jenny publishes a short story
in "The New Yorker" that infuriates Alice.

Alice Pieszecki Highlights:

Interior – Kitchen – Day.

ALICE
Oh my fucking God, have you read this? Jenny trashed us all over The New Yorker! We are all
over this thing!

HELENA
What do you mean she trashed us?

ALICE
(reading) Lez Girls. New fiction. Part one of a serialized novella by the author of Sum of Her
Parts. Nice one, Jenny. Ok. Alise clung to the bisexual label not for any genuine affection for
men; she clung to it out of mere fashion desperation. Oh, and this is priceless. Alise was ground
zero for rumor and hearsay and it was hard to imagine she had any time for actual romance,
straight, bisexual or otherwise cuz she spent so much time obsessing over other people’s sexual
comings and goings.

HELENA
What, you think that sounds like you?

ALICE
Alise, the bisexual gossip?! Yeah.

172
Interior – Jenny/Shane’s house – Night.

ALICE
(pointing to Jenny) If she’s going, I’m not going.

SHANE
What? What are you talking about?

ALICE
Jenny, you know what I’m talking about.

JENNY
What are you talking about, Alice?

ALICE
Just call me Alise, the bisexual fashion victim. I’m sorry, is my hat too much?

JENNY
A little. What?

SHANE
What are you talking about?

ALICE
Jenny wrote a story! It was published in The New Yorker, we’re all very, very excited for you
Jenny, but we’re in it! We’re in it.

SHANE
Oh.

JENNY
Thank you, Alice, for being so gracious about my accomplishment of being published in The
New Yorker. But Alice, if you actually read beyond the cover—

ALICE
Oh, I read it.

JENNY
You did? It’s in the New Yorker fiction issue therefore you’d see that it is actually a work of
fiction.

ALICE
Oh, that’s bullshit. (looks at Shane) I take it you haven’t read this “story”?

SHANE
Clearly not, no.

JENNY
(looks at Max) You read it, tell her.

173
MAX
Yeah, I read it. I mean, she claims that it’s not you.

JENNY
It’s not. I draw from my own life and I use my friends and my own experiences as inspiration, but
at the end of the day, it’s fiction.

ALICE
Right. Yeah, so there’s this character named Shaun, Shane, who’s a makeup artist, right, is that
correct?

JENNY
Mm-hm.

ALICE
And she sleeps with a lot of girls…

SHANE
That’s not bad.

JENNY
Hey, Alice. You know, there’s this crazy, weird thing that happens when you write. As a writer—

ALICE
Is this a lesson in writing from Jenny Schecter? Oh, fuck, let me grab a pen!

JENNY
Get a pad, too! So this thing that happens when you write is you draw from your own life and
then in turn, you take those experiences and you use something called imagination, Alice.

ALICE
Oh, imagination! God! So that’s the thing you were lacking when you could barely change our
names, huh?

JENNY
Just a second. You guys? Do you…do you hear that? Oh my God, it’s Monet! Monet’s come
back from the dead and he wants me to give you a message! He says, I am so sorry for sitting in
front of my pond in France and sketching those water lilies and using the water lilies as actual
inspiration, sorry to offend, Alice.

ALICE
Right. Wait, hey, he’s talking to me! It’s so weird! Huh? (takes a deep breath) Ok, I’ll tell her. He
said don’t ever fucking compare yourself to him.

Episode #44 (6): “Luck Be a Lady,” February 11, 2007
Bette enjoys a new romance even as she clashes with Tina over the baby's preschool and weathers
the emotional fallout of Alice's split with Phyllis; Helena, Shane and Alice learn how to play
poker.

174
Episode #45 (7): “Lesson Number One,” February 18, 2007
Jenny's short story about her friends sparks interest from Hollywood; Helena struggles to pay
back her poker debt; Alice's new girlfriend Tasha experiences flashbacks to the war in Iraq; Bette
and her new girlfriend console Phyllis.

Episode #46 (8): “Lexington and Concord,” February 25, 2007
Jenny's revenge on her critic backfires in front of her agents; Alice and Tasha disagree over the
war in Iraq but find common ground romantically; Tina meets Bette's new girlfriend Jodi; Kit
unloads publicly on the cheating Angus.

Alice Pieszecki Highlights:

TASHA
Those people are so ignorant it makes me insane.

ALICE
Well, they’re not my people, they’re Jenny’s agents.

TASHA
Yeah? What about that girl? She works for you.

ALICE
Grace? Well, yeah, but you saw, I was introduced to her for the first time.

TASHA
Oh come on Alice, stop frontin’, okay? That’s your world, you were right in there with them with
and all their knee-jerk liberal bullshit.

ALICE
Yeah, but…that’s America. It’s supposedly what you’re fighting for, it’s a little thing called
freedom of speech, remember?

TASHA
Yeah, I remember. It’s something Iraq could never dream of until we came in.

ALICE
Oh, please. Okay, yeah, now they have the freedom to starve and the freedom to get blown up
everyday?

TASHA
We built hospitals, schools, electrical systems, we put in public sewer systems—

ALICE
Fine! Ok! But how much of that was destroyed by us in the first place? It’s all because Bush
needs his oil and because Halliburton needs to protect their investments. I mean, God knows who
else is making money from this fucking war!

175
TASHA
The soldiers I know went because we had to and we tried to do the best that we could. And yeah,
ok, I know some of it’s a mess, but I’m proud of the soldiers that I served with and I’m so tired of
people talking shit without even know what it’s really like to be in it!

ALICE
Well then tell me what it’s like to be in it.

Interior – Alice’s apartment.

TASHA
Yeah, some of them are kids who are over there because back where they come from, nobody’s
giving them a chance.

ALICE
Right, and we treat them like second-class citizens and then we expect them to die so some rich
guy can get richer. And the kids in the ghetto, please—

TASHA
What, you think I come from the fucking ghetto?

ALICE
I didn’t say you.

TASHA
You know, some of the people are in the military because they want to serve their country, ok?
We believe in what we stand for, I’m sorry if we don’t live our lives wearing trendy fake-ass
raggedy t-shirts that scream bullshit about why we kill people.

ALICE
You think it’s trendy to not wanna kill people?

TASHA
The soldiers that I serve with don’t wanna kill people! Like what the fuck, do you think that I
want to kill peopli die?!

ALICE
Well, why are you there?

TASHA
The point is why the fuck am I here?!

ALICE
Because we want to fuck each other! (they kiss)

Episode #47 (9): “Lacy Lilting Lyrics,” March 4, 2007
Tina and Jenny have creative differences over the development of their movie; Alice and her
friends console Phyllis's heartbroken husband; Bette and Jodi's relationship might go to the next
level if Bette can curb her Type-A personality.

176
Episode #48 (10): “Little Boy Blue,” March 11, 2007
Kit binge-drinks while Angus tries to apologize for his infidelity; Alice finds investors in her
blog, but with strings attached that involve Jenny, who finds the perfect director for her movie;
Bette's control issues make an ugly appearance.

Episode #49 (11): “Literary License to Kill,” March 18, 2007
Jenny's serialized short stories hit home for Bette, who faces losing Jodi to an art center on the
east coast; Iraq flashbacks haunt Alice's girlfriend Tasha, who is ordered by a commanding
officer to hide her sexuality.

Alice Pieszecki Highlights:

Exterior – Army base – Day. Alice exits her car and walks toward Tanya, who is getting off of
her motorcycle.

TASHA
Alice, what are you doing here?!

ALICE
Where the fuck did you go last night?

TASHA
I can’t get into this right now!

ALICE
Well, could you maybe return one of my fucking phone calls?!

TASHA
Alice, I can’t do this, not here!

ALICE
I would like to talk about this, so let’s go to your office—

TASHA
No, we can’t go to my office! You’re not even supposed to be on the base!

ALICE
I’ve already been on the fucking base! What’s the big deal?! God, they fucking love me here!

TASHA
Look, Alice, Brown is after me, ok? Alright? He reported me. If my CO wasn’t so cool, then he
could start an investigation and I could get chaptered out.

ALICE
For what?

TASHA
For homosexual conduct. You ever heard of that?

177
ALICE
All right, I’m sorry. Is that why you left last night because you could’ve just said, I—

TASHA
Alice. Please. Not here. Please.

ALICE
I can’t f— (CO passes by in truck, gives them a hard look) What the hell’s he looking at?

TASHA
Look, Alice, please leave, okay?

Episode #50 (12): “Long Time Coming,” March 25, 2007
Tina returns to lesbian life while Bette seeks her advice on wooing Jodi back; Shane's relationship
with single-mom Paige becomes serious; Tasha must return to Iraq; Phyllis pursues a divorce;
Jenny may get fired from her own movie.

Season Five:
Episode #51 (1): “LGB Tease,” January 6, 2008
The fifth season opens with Shane derailing plans to move in with Paige, then suffering the
consequences, while Jenny returns from a Mexican vacation with a billionaire movie financier in
tow, and Phyllis has sudden doubts about the exclusivity of her romance with Joyce.

Alice Pieszecki Highlights:

Interior – The Planet – Day.

ALICE
Max, are we ready?

MAX
Yep. We are…rolling.

ALICE
(clears throat) Hello, welcome to Alice in Lesboland. It’s a biweekly podcast for bisexuals and
Sapphicly-inclined ladies and their friends and we’re coming to you live from The Planet in West
Hollywood. I’m Alice Pieszecki and my guest today is Phyllis Kroll, a beautiful, and
accomplished senior vice chancellor of California University. And um, she’s going to tell us
today about coming out. And, shall we say, mid-life…

Interior – The Planet – Day. Alice is still interviewing Phyllis.

PHYLLIS
Oh, with Joyce I have a new love!

ALICE
Right, your ladylove, Joyce.

178
PHYLLIS
Yeah, she’s really wonderful, we have so much in common.

ALICE
Yeah.

PHYLLIS
Um, the opera, ballet, the arts, philosophy, and the sex…sex is…is the best ever.

ALICE
Well…ever? (laughs) I mean, they say your coming-out affair is usually the most unforgettable.

PHYLLIS
Oh, that was kindergarten. Preschool! (laughs) Compared to what Joyce and I are doing! The
work I’m doing with Joyce is more of like a post-graduate thesis. But, uh, listen! You were, you
were sweet!

ALICE
Sweet? I was sweet?

PHYLLIS
Well, yeah, a little vanilla, a little vanilla.

ALICE
What? Ouch! Vanilla, really? Vanilla?

PHYLLIS
Vanilla sex, um, conventional sex, um, what the culture regards as standard or regular sex.

ALICE
I know vanilla. I know what that means.

PHYLLIS
Yeah.

ALICE
Um, so have you guys U-hauled?

PHYLLIS
U-hauled?

ALICE
Yeah, well, it’s a lesbian, uh, ritual. You date for a couple of weeks, maybe, and then you rent a
U-haul and move in.

PHYLLIS
U-hauled. That’s a good one. U-hauled.

179
Interior – The Planet – Day. Alice is still interviewing Phyllis.

ALICE
So I’ll bet the CULGBT student union is very thrilled that their EVC is in the club, huh? Have
you paid them a visit?

PHYLLIS
No, I’m actually a little embarrassed because I’m not sure what the ‘T’ stands for. Lesbian, gay,
bisexual, and tentative?

ALICE
Good one.

MAX
Sorry, guys, I have to change the tape.

ALICE
Um, ‘T’ is for trannies.

PHYLLIS
Trannies?

ALICE
Yeah, like Max.

MAX
Tansgendered.

PHYLLIS
Oh.

MAX
People who have changed their sexes from male to female or from female to male.

PHYLLIS
That’s very interesting. Have you actually had the sex change operation?

MAX
Well, I did go to San Francisco to get top surgery…

ALICE
You know, I feel like we’re getting a little off topic for Our Chart.

MAX
Why is it off topic?

ALICE
Well, I mean, Our Chart’s for lesbians.

180
MAX
I thought Our Chart was for everybody. It’s “Our Chart”, I mean, doesn’t that suggest it’s
inclusive?

ALICE
Well…sure, Max, I mean it’s a little technical, but yeah, it’s for everybody. (answers cell phone)

Episode #52 (2): “Look Out, Here They Come!,” January 13, 2008
Tina's obvious, lingering affection for Bette affects her dating prospects; Shane's last-minute gig
styling hair at a wedding results in a comic series of erotic encounters; Tasha reveals her reason
for not shipping out to Iraq: she's being investigated for "homosexual conduct."

Alice Pieszecki Highlights:

Interior – Restaurant. Tasha and Alice are on a double-date with Bette and Jodi. Tasha squirms as
Bette and Jodi kiss.

ALICE
Guys!

TASHA
Alice, don’t.

BETTE
What? What is up with you two?

ALICE
This is really stupid, you should just tell them, they’re our friends.

BETTE
Tell us what?

ALICE
Tasha’s being held back because she’s being investigated for homosexual conduct.

BETTE
You’re fucking kidding me.

ALICE
And she has to keep a low profile so if you could just lay off the PDA.

BETTE
I’m sorry, you should’ve said something…

JODI
I’m so sorry, Tasha, I had no idea.

TASHA
No. I’m sorry. (gives Alice a look and leaves the booth)

181
ALICE
Be right back. (leaves to find Tasha)

BETTE
Fuck.

ALICE
What are you doing?

TASHA
I told you not to tell anybody!

ALICE
I know, I wasn’t going to but I had to!

TASHA
You didn’t have to do shit, Alice! You just can’t keep your mouth shut.

ALICE
Ok, I don’t deserve that, all right? I was trying to protect you.

TASHA
You don’t get it, do you?

ALICE
Get what? You were sitting there squirming!

TASHA
It’s my life! Okay? I determine when and if people will know!

ALICE
They’re not just people, their my friends. You can trust them.

TASHA
Well, it’s not them that I’m worried about.

ALICE
Oh, what’s that supposed to mean?

TASHA
Nothing. I’m sorry. Nothing.

ALICE
I just don’t understand what the big deal is if they know.

TASHA
Because, Alice, I don’t want to have to talk about it. And I don’t want to sit around and listen to
everyone’s opinions about it. And I don’t want people to feel like they can’t be themselves
around me!

182
ALICE
They don’t feel that way, Tash.

TASHA
But see, this is why I didn’t even want to come out tonight.

ALICE
Listen. I’m just having a hard time understanding why you wanna be part of an institution that
hates who you are, ok? I’m struggling with that! But I know how important this is to you and I
know this is everything to you. And you’re everything to me and I’m just trying to stand here by
you.

TASHA
I know. You’re right. I’m sorry.

ALICE
I’m sorry, too. I am.

Interior – The Planet. Alice is interviewing Jodi for her podcast.

ALICE
So, for my next question, um, I don’t know how to ask this delicately. But I’m dying—

JODI
(using sign language, interpreter speaking) Delicately? I thought we were talking about sex.

ALICE
Yeah! But I wanna know…well, some people like delicate sex. And um—

JODI
Ew, not me, there’s nothing worse than tentative, timid, lesbian sex.

ALICE
Right.

JODI
I would never be in one of those lesbian bed-death relationships where you just cuddle and you
know, say goodnight and go to sleep. Ew, I have a teddy bear if I want to do that.

SHANE
Yes.

ALICE
I was watching. Is that “lesbian?” (makes sign with fingers) Lesbian. (Jodie corrects her hands)
Oh, lesbian. That? That is not sexy. That’s not sexy. That? (Jodi makes another motion with her
hands) That’s just better!

JODI
All right.

183
ALICE
Much sexier. Um, how do you say cunninglingus? I made one up. (makes gesture with hands) Is
that cunninglingus? It would be good, wouldn’t it?

JODI
It would be good, pretty close. Or, um, I guess you could just say lick my pussy.

ALICE
Well, you could say that, couldn’t you?

SHANE
I’ll remember that…I have a question. How do you say “fuck”?

JODI
Well, you know, “fuck you” (putting up middle finger) obviously.

SHANE
No, not fuck, fuck fuck, you know?

JODI
Well, this is to actually fuck, you’d do that if you were to say fuck me, baby.

ALICE
Who says that to you, Bette says that to you or you say that to Bette?

JODI
Oh, Bette said don’t get too personal.

ALICE
Ah, Bette! Boring, boring Bette! I’ll cut it out. We’ll cut it out.

JODI
Last night she said it to me.

Interior – Alice’s apartment. Alice walks through the door.

ALICE
Hey. So what happened? (Tasha sighs and hands Alice official documents) Fuck. God, those
fuckers!

TASHA
Beech got detailed to be my defense.

ALICE
The homophobic prick?

TASHA
Yeah, he doesn’t want it, he has to take it, he has no choice. (Alice leafs through papers and
sighs)

184
ALICE
So, I don’t see my name here.

TASHA
Believe me, Alice, they know who you are.

ALICE
Oh right, because they’re the military. Well, they don’t know who they’re dealing with. I mean—

TASHA
Alice. (shakes her head) That last one is false, by the way. The one about Martinez.

ALICE
Yeah, I know that. You know what? We’ll fight it. I mean, we’re not gonna back down to that.
What do we have to do to win this thing?

TASHA
I have to lie.

ALICE
Isn’t that against your military code of honor? What do I have to do? Do you need me to
disappear for awhile, do you need me to leave you alone?

TASHA
No. (takes Alice’s hand) That’s not what I want.

ALICE
Cause I can do that. I know it’s late in the game but I can do that. I can be really on DL, you
know, just be really discreet and, like…a nonexistent girlfriend. I want you to know that I can do
that.

Episode #53 (3): “Lady of the Lake,” January 20, 2008
Shane swears off sex and reaps the health benefits with new energy and focus; Tina's dating woes
finally improve; Max ponders a mutual same-sex attraction to Jodi's interpreter; The Planet is
burglarized and Kit attacked after hours.

Episode #54 (4): “Let’s Get This Party Started,” January 27, 2008
Bette's jealousy over Tina's new girlfriend is the probable cause of a surprising moment; Jenny is
courted for the lead in her movie by the latest Bond girl; the gang attends the opening of a new
lesbian club competing with The Planet.

Alice Pieszecki Highlights:

ALICE
So everyone here is on the DL like us. I hope we see some famous closet cases, it’ll be fun! I
hope we see something scandalous, though.

TASHA
Oh shit, there’s Daryl Brewer.

185
ALICE
Who’s that?

TASHA
He’s one of the top ranking point guards in the NBA.

ALICE
(gasps) Can I look? (turns around to see Daryl cuddling and giggling with his male partner)

TASHA
He’s married with children.

ALICE
(gasps) Oh. My God.

HOST
Evening, ladies. I’m your host…

ALICE
Oh, hi, I’m Alice Pieszecki! (shakes host’s hand) This is Tasha Williams.

HOST
Fabulous cheekbones. (looks at Tasha)

ALICE
Yeah… (proudly touches Tasha’s face) Well, thank you for having us.

HOST
It’s my pleasure. Are you enjoying the party?

ALICE
Oh yeah, it’s great.

HOST
Now I know you—you’re very entertaining with those, whatchamacallits, uh, podcasts.

ALICE
Thank you.

HOST
Of course, you won’t be doing any podcasting from here.

ALICE
Oh, no, no. I’m down with your whole program you got going here…It’s a good party. A really
good party—I’m not gonna tell anybody.

186
Episode #55 (5): “Lookin’ at You, Kid,” February 3, 2008
Jenny throws a bash to introduce her friends to the actresses playing them in "Lez Girls,"
provoking both delight and distress; Bette and Tina try to deal with what is obviously a rekindled
spark; Alice angrily outs a secretly gay sports star after he utters a homophobic slur, sparking a
media firestorm.

Alice Pieszecki Highlights:

Interior – Alice/Tasha’s Apartment – Day.

ALICE
Hey, Tash, that basketball guy from the other night’s on TV! (turns up volume)

TASHA
He’s always on TV.

(headline on screen reads : GAY HATRED IN PRO SPORTS)

ANCHOR
Today another NBA player, Daryl Brewer, has voiced his disapproval of Amicci’s homosexual
lifestyle.

FEMALE REPORTER
John Amicci recently announced he’s gay, becoming the first in the NBA to come out. (to Daryl)
What do you think of his decision to come out publicly as a gay man?

DARYL
First of all, I wouldn’t want him on my team. You know? I don’t think that’s right. I don’t want
any faggots in the locker room looking at me, or brushing up against me on the court. I don’t like
gay people, so I let it be known.

ALICE
Oh my God, you little sneaky fag! Oh my God, Tasha! Come here! You’re so not gonna believe
this. Hold on. This is crazy! Kay, ready? Hold on. (interview rolls again)

TASHA
That little piece of shit poser! It’s one thing to keep your business to yourself but it’s another
thing to go spread lies and hatred.

ALICE
I know! He was like three feet away from me! Asking about my shoes.

TASHA
Whatever, he’ll get his someday.

ALICE
It’s because of people like that that you have to fight so hard to keep your job.

TASHA
Wish I could smack the shit out of that guy and out his hypocritical ass bit it ain’t gonna happen.

187
Interior – Room with technical equipment.

MAX
So what’d you want me to work on?

ALICE
Oh, oh, oh. Mm, major project. (holds up her cell phone) Okay, and you don’t have any program
to make my boobs look smaller?

MAX
No!

ALICE
Okay, go, one last time.

MAX
Here it is.

ALICE
(on tape) Hi, this is Alice Pieszecki and this is a very, very special edition of Alice in Lesboland.
I’ve got a little beef that I’ve got to talk about. Um, I was invited to a party over the weekend, I
was very excited, I got all dressed up, um…and I met a fabulous, super-nice, flaming homosexual
man named Daryl Brewer. Ring a bell? (laughs) I guess he’s uh, he’s a big sports somebody, I
don’t know, plays a little b-ball, don’t ask me. So, even though I wasn’t supposed to, I took this,
this uh, little video of him. You can roll that. (video of Daryl dancing and kissing male partner)
Ok, so you can imagine (ALICE crosstalk: It gets me everytime!) when I wake up in the morning
and I see this Daryl on TV, uh, saying this on the national news. Roll it. (video of Daryl voicing
his opinion on homosexuals in pro sports) All right, I’m letting it be known, Mr. Brewer, that
you’re a homo. (ALICE crosstalk: Yes) And a hypocrite. (ALICE crosstalk: Yes you are.)
(pictures of Daryl on screen) (ALICE crosstalk: I love that part) And I’m Alice Pieszecki and this
is Alice in Lesboland and I’m out. (video ends)

MAX
So you sre you wanna do this.

ALICE
Oh my God, put it up. Let’s go. Launch it! What do you do?

Interior – The Planet – Day.

ALICE
Hey, Kit, did you know that those Shebar girls are serving breakfast and coffee down the street?

KIT
What? I thought they told me they were just going to do nightlife.

188
ALICE
Well, apparently nightlife is now in the day and it involves bagels and lattes. And they had a
drive-thru window!

KIT
What, are you kidding me, girl?

ALICE
No!

KIT
That was my idea! I told that Don Dimbo that I was thinking about having one of them things put
in—

ALICE
Really? (cell phone rings) Hey Max, what’s up? Really? Ok, thanks. Hey, Kit, can I use your TV?
… Um, channel 11. (screen shows Daryl apologizing)

ANCHOR
But it wasn’t until an online journalist, Alice Pieszecki, posted footage on her gay Web site, Our
Chart… The story has received national attention. The clip was quickly uploaded onto YouTube
where it had an estimated 500,000 hits within the first two hours after it was posted. No comment
from Brewer on the identity of the man he was kissing…

ALICE
Oh my God, I have like 500 new messages.

Interior – Alice’s room. Alice is leaving a voicemail on Tasha’s cell phone.

ALICE
Hey, Tash, it’s me, hi. I really, I’ve been trying to reach you all day and I really, really, really
need to talk to you because I am being asked to go on Crossfire Ball or I don’t know, whatever,
and I posted that video of that guy Brewer and um, yeah, it went viral and it’s crazy and all these
news organizations wanna talk to me, so. I need to talk to you because I need to know what you
want me to say, ok? It’s important to me. So please call me back, we’re gonna get those fuckers,
whoo! Ok, I love you, call me, bye. (looks in the mirror) Yes, I am professional, yes, ok.

Interior – Television studio. Alice is doing an interview on Hardline.

REPORTER
Miss Pieszecki, why did you feel compelled to post the footage you shot of Daryl Brewer on the
internet?

ALICE
Oh. Well, originally I didn’t, I didn’t, ah, videotape him with the intention of outing him, it was
more of a personal—

189
REPORTER
That’s hard to believe that you weren’t seeking notoriety by filming him and then posting the
footage on your website.

ALICE
No! I…No. I just thought it was very mean what he said about gay people so—

REPORTER
But that’s freedom of speech. That’s his prerogative to say whatever he wants to but it’s a
violation of his privacy if you’re gonna videotape him when he doesn’t think he’s being watched
and then have it put up on the world wide web!

ALICE
No, I, well I, I didn’t think it would get so big!

REPORTER
You never thought it would get so big? You’re an Internet journalist and you didn’t realize the
power of the net? Come on. I mean, these things go viral in an instant and destroy careers! Imus,
Isaiah Washington, you know, the list goes on.

ALICE
Yeah, it wasn’t like that, it was—

REPORTER
Do you regret what you did, Miss Pieszecki? Do you care that you might’ve destroyed this man’s
family? I-I don’t buy it. I think there’s a part of you—

ALICE
Wait a minute. Why should I feel bad for hurting this guy? I mean, when he’s hurting me and
millions of other gay people by saying such hateful comments?

REPORTER
Yeah, but the bottom line is that I think you’re thinking—

ALICE
Listen, he started this by saying awful things in the first place!

REPORTER
So you’re going to take it upon yourself to then go after every single person—

ALICE
No, I’m talking! I’m not finished, listen! Gay people are bashed and, and, harassed and killed
every day and then you’ve got this guy, who’s gay himself and, and, he’s saying this garbage? It’s
disgusting! I totally respect someone’s choice to stay in the closet, I do, if that’s what they wanna
do, I get it, but I don’t think it’s ok to kiss your boyfriend one day and then go out and trash gay
people the next! Especially if you’re a public figure and you have people looking up to you! No, I
don’t feel bad! I do not feel bad about what I did.

190
REPORTER
Well, she’s got a good point, Pat, uh, I’d like to actually go back to what we spoke about earlier if
we could, uh…

Interior – Alice’s apartment – Night.

ALICE
Oh my God, baby, where’ve you been, I’ve been trying to call you all day!

TASHA
Why would you do that?

ALICE
Do what?

TASHA
Out that guy like that. You turned his whole fuckin’ life upside down.

ALICE
I-I did that for you!

TASHA
What are, what are you talking about?!

ALICE
You said, I hope that guy gets what’s coming to him so I-I gave it to him!

TASHA
Yeah, but it’s not your job to put his business out there like that! Who are you to judge that man’s
life? You don’t know what he’s going through or what his circumstances are! Like what’s the
difference between you outing him and the military outing me?

ALICE
Oh my God, that’s so different!

TASHA
No, it’s not different! And then you do it on national fucking television!

ALICE
I tried to call you all day to see if that was all right!

TASHA
How can that be all right?! That’s, that’s our problem! You never think!

ALICE
I am so fucking sick of you talking to me like that!

191
TASHA
No, seriously though! Like, when is this gonna stop?! And now you’re doing TV interviews, and
you’ve got newspapers calling and you’re like the big deal all of a sudden.

ALICE
What?

TASHA
Did you ever think that this might not be the most discreet thing to do while I’m prepping for my
hearing? You know that they’re watching me!

ALICE
You are such a fucking hypocrite! You say you don’t want it, well you’re going through to
change my life and then the second that I do something that I wanna do, you get mad at me?!

TASHA
You’re not getting my point. You know what? We just see things differently.

ALICE
Why does my life have to stop because you want to live in a fucking closet, I did not sign up for
that bullshit, you did! I am allowed to say what I want, and do what I want, and fucking out who I
want! And love who I want because I live in the goddamn U-S-of-fucking-A!

TASHA
And I’m the one out there fighting for your right to be ignorant. I can’t even be around you right
now.

ALICE
Oh, I can’t be around you! Fuck you!

Episode #56 (6): “Lights! Camera! Action!,” February 10, 2008
The production of "Lez Girls" finally begins and director Jenny deals with all the usual headaches
of filmmaking — including a recalcitrant star and lover, Niki; Bette and Tina struggle with their
rekindled feelings; the owners of SheBar take their war against the gang to the next level.

Alice Pieszecki Highlights:

Interior – Alice’s apartment.

ALICE
I’m really sorry I fucked your life up.

TASHA
I was gay long before I ever met you. Anyway, Brown, he had it in for me so I’m sure he
would’ve found out something. So I heard you got offered some big talk show or something.
What is it…The Look?

ALICE
Nah, they’re just interested…I don’t know if I wanna do it, though. If I wanna be the replacement
dyke.

192
TASHA
Oh, come on.

ALICE
No, cause they want me to be out and flamboyant and audacious and you know, it’s on national
television. I don’t know if I wanna be gay for the whole world.

TASHA
This is why we’re not good for each other. Why would you think twice about something like this?
It’s like a dream come true for you.

ALICE
You don’t know what I dream of.

TASHA
You’re right. I’m gonna go.

Interior – Television studio – Day.

PRODUCER
Okay, so. You don’t have to try and fill Kelly’s shoes. We’re not necessarily looking for
controversy.

ALICE
Was I too controversial? Because I thought we were supposed to–

HOST
Oh no, we just don’t need another loose cannon. Now, your lifestyle is your lifestyle, and that’s
fine.

ALICE
Are you saying you don’t want me to be out? Just because, I think at this stage in my life, it’s a
little hard to—

PRODUCER
Oh no, no, no, that’s not what we’re saying.

HOST
No, we definitely want gay. No. Gay is good.

ALICE
Gay is good…

PRODUCER
You know, we just want the right kind of gay.

ALICE
Oh.

193
HOST
Like, fun gay! Not angry gay.

ALICE
Fun gay.

HOST
Gay gossip, gay lifestyle, you know, fun!

PRODUCER
We loved that Daryl Brewer stunt that you pulled. Seriously, that was some of your best work.
We’re looking for things like that. Little insider tidbits about famous people who are in the closet.
We kinda figured you would have one of those on every episode.

ALICE
Oh, so you want me to out people?

(Producer nods)

On every episode?

HOST
That would be sensational.

PRODUCER
That is…only if you want the job.

Interior – Television studio – Day.

HOST
And welcome back to The Look, for those of us who are just joining us, our topic today is the
Internet. Is it a great source of news or is it a trendy source of speculation and gossip?

ALICE
Yeah, but I think what you’re missing is the Internet gave people, you know, the chance to go out
and seek different sources of information.

HOST
Well, isn’t that what Their Chart does, Alice, it offers an alternative point of view.

ALICE
Yes. It does do that. That is one of the things that Our Chart does. Among many other things.

HOST
So, for example, the personal details of celebrity’s sex lives would be part of that alternative point
of view, I assume.

ALICE
Well, yes, well, the Internet is, is known for revealing people’s hidden sexual identities, yeah.

194
HOST
What have you got? Tell us!

ALICE
(hesitating) Yeah, that’s something I would love to bring to The Look! (audience applause) I
would, love to do that.

HOSTS
Oh come on, give us something! Come on! Dish, dish, dish!

ALICE
Oh, ok. Now. Is a good time. Ok. Oh. (sighs) What do I have for you? Ok. Ok.

HOST
Do tell.

ALICE
Well, I know what you’re looking for. Ok. Which Hollywood, little, um, Maxim-endorsed,
gorgeous little starlet is a little bit closer to her role as a Sapphic-sister in Hollywood’s girl-on-
girl smooch fest? Huh? That’s all I’m gonna say!

HOST
It’s time to stop now so maybe you’ll have to tell us next time!

ALICE
I’m gonna teast you…I am gonna tease you.

Exterior – Movie set of Lez Girls – Night.

TINA
Um, Alice. Actually, you are banned from the set.

ALICE
What?

TINA
I’m sorry.

ALICE
What did I do?

TINA
You went on national television and you outed the lead of our movie, fuck!

ALICE
Ok, hold the phone, Tina! I did not out her! I did not say her name!

195
TINA
Alice.

ALICE
Ok, I just had to like, they weren’t gonna give me the job, I had to (makes a sound) it up a little.

TINA
Her managers are threatening to pull her from the picture right now.

ALICE
That’s ridiculous!

TINA
As we speak!

ALICE
They’re being dramatic. She’s a lezzie, it’s a lezzie film! What’s the big deal?

TINA
It’s because this is a lesbian movie.

ALICE
What the fuck does that mean?

TINA
We want this movie to reach a large mainstream audience, all right? And if everyone thinks the
lead of our movie is gay, then that makes it a small, little niche, film.

ALICE
What the fuck is up with everybody these days? Am I like some sort of idiot that I’m out? I mean,
is the joke on me? Cause, I don’t get it. I—(Tina shushes her) It’s okay. Forget it. This is crazy.

TINA
Alice. Look. You can’t blog about this, okay? (Alice gasps) Because this could really hurt the
movie.

ALICE
You’re gonna insult me now?! I am your friend, Tina. You know, I wouldn’t do that to you.

TINA
Look, I’m sorry. Let’s have a drink later.

ALICE
Oh yeah, that sounds fine. If I didn’t have to drive to fucking Long Beach to meet with a lawyer
who’s trying to ruin Tasha’s career! You know? The hypocrisy is just like, oh!, it’s just a little too
much for me these days.

TINA
Alice…

196
ALICE
Oh, I have an idea. Why don’t you and Colonel Davis meet and you guys can talk about how to
keep gays out of the movies and out of the military. Ooh, fun for you!

TINA
Colonel who—

ALICE
Jesus Christ!

Episode #57 (7): “Lesbians Gone Wild,” February 17, 2008
Tasha meets Colonel Gillian Davis, the hard-assed military attorney who will be prosecuting her
"Don't Ask Don't Tell" case. Back on the Lez Girls set, Bette and Tina steal a passionate moment
behind-the-scenes while conniving Adele convinces Niki Stevens to ditch work for "Lesbian
Turkish Oil Wrestling" at rival club, SheBar.

Episode #58 (8): “Lay Down the Law,” February 24, 2008
Niki Stevens' star in Hollywood is rising with the premiere of her big action flick. So when the
gossip rags catch wind that Niki might be a real lez girl, her agents are panicked. Meanwhile,
Shane's dealing with girl troubles of her own, hung up on straight girl Molly. Jodi offers to play
wingman and throws a dinner party so that Shane can invite her crush. To Bette's alarm, Jodi also
invites Tina who brings her current love interest Sam, the Lez Girls DP.

Episode #59 (9): “Liquid Heat,” March 2, 2008
Amidst a scorching heat wave in Los Angeles, Jenny finds her own temperature rising on the set
of Lez Girls. After a quick dip in the pool, Jodi does her best to cool things off with Bette but is
quickly turned away as Bette would rather brave the heat with Tina than with Jodi. Shane
convinces Jenny to accompany her to a mafia-inspired sit down hosted by the women of SheBar,
Dawn Denbo and her lover Cindi.

Episode #60 (10): “Lifecycle,” March 9, 2008
As the girls prepare to set off on the Subaru Pink Ride, Tina spots Niki Stevens embarking on
more than just a bike ride with Jenny. Shane is confronted by her new admirer, or shall we say
'stalker' Molly. A sympathetic Tina pedals through the topic of Jodi and Bette.

Episode #61 (11): “Lunar Cycle,” March 16, 2008
Adele shocks the producers of Lez Girls as she gathers everyone together to reveal a steamy sex
tape between the film's director and leading lady. With the film's reputation at stake, she informs
everyone of her blackmailing agenda. Breaking up is tough to do as Jodi returns to Bette for
answers. Back at The Planet, the girls are outraged when SheBar owners Dawn Denbo and her
lover Cindi announce their newest purchase.

Alice Pieszecki Highlights:

Interior – Television studio.

HOST
This is The Look with Saundra Houston and Mary Lamm and back with us today, our special
guest host, Alice Pieszecki.

197
ALICE
Thank you, thank you.

MARY
And today we have fashion designer Cleeya Mason who won the prize for the best new designer
at last year’s gen-art fashion show.

ALICE
That’s right, and she’s here today to present her super hot, super androgynous menswear
influenced fall collection.

MARY
Just your style, huh, Alice?

ALICE
Well, actually Mary, I don’t know if you noticed but I’m actually, pretty much a fem. Yeah.

SAUNDRA
Fem?

ALICE
Oh yeah, totally girly girl. Dresses, girlish pumps (shows off her shoe) Whoo! Thank you. But
bring out those boyish babes and their hot butch fall fashion, huh? Whoo! (fans herself with her
notes)

SHAUNDRA
(laughs and smiles) Spare us, Alice. Mary?

ALICE
Oh, come on, Mary, you know you wanna try it. All you straight girls do. (winks)

MARY
Well, I don’t.

ALICE
Tsk, tsk, don’t protest too much!

MARY
Well, I don’t know what you’re insinuating but I’ll have you know not everyone is gay! (laughs)

ALICE
And thank God for that!

SHAUNDRA
Well, we’ll be right back after this!

Interior – Television studio. Alice is still guest hosting on The Look.

198
SHAUNDRA
And Clea Mason, everyone! (audience applauds) Clea, welcome to the show!

CLEA
Thank you.

SHAUNDRA
Come join us. Ladies?

CLEA
Hi!

ALICE
Welcome.

CLEA
Thank you.

MARY
Nice to meet you.

CLEA
Thank you.

MARY
Take a seat.

SHAUNDRA
So…Clea! What inspires you to dress women?

CLEA
Um…uh…I don’t know, it’s um, it’s um…

ALICE
I bet it’s the same reason that I like to undress them!

CLEA
Um…that sounds about right.

ALICE
So…so let’s talk underwear. Um, what do you like women to wear under your clothes?

CLEA
Well, um, I like boxers with briefs because it kind of makes you feel like a fourteen-year-old boy,
you know.

ALICE
Which is liberating for women.

199
SHAUNDRA
Oh!

ALICE
And totally hot.

CLEA
Exactly. Um, it’s also sexy, I think, to wear like lingerie under men’s clothes.

ALICE
Totally. Totally hot.

SHAUNDRA
And we’ll be right back, after this.

Interior – Television studio. The Look is ending its episode.

SHAUNDRA
Goodbye and good day. Oh, and don’t forget to log on to our website after the show to let us
know whether you want Alice to become a permanent fixture on The Look.

ALICE
Of course they do!

SHAUNDRA
See you later.

ALICE
Bye-bye. Wow, that was a good one. Do your cheeks hurt from all the smiling you have to do?
Can I get a water? No? Ok. Ok, I’ll see ya! Ok. (talking to audience members)

Episode #62 (12): “Loyal and True,” March 23, 2008
Shane and Molly share a passionate morning before meeting Molly's mother, Phyllis and Joyce
for breakfast. Helena Peabody returns to Los Angeles to visit her mother in the hospital and is
gifted with her family's wealth once again. Once hearing of Kit's loss of The Planet while she was
away, Helena brings a mighty tempting proposition to SheBar owner Cindi, which is hard to
resist. Lez Girls is finally finished as everyone arrives in all the glitz and glamour to the film's
celebration wrap party.

Alice Pieszecki Highlights:

CLEA
So. Was that your girlfriend on the phone?

ALICE
Yeah. It was.

CLEA
That’s a little bit disappointing for me. (pause)

200
ALICE
Me too. (pause) God, that sounded bad.

CLEA
It’s the most natural thing in the world to meet someone and be attracted to them and then, you
know. (laughs)

ALICE
Even if…you’re in a relationship with somebody else?

CLEA
Well, people do it all the time. I mean, clearly it’s not against our nature, but…

ALICE
Right.

CLEA
I don’t know, maybe it’s designed to teach us something.

ALICE
What, that their relationship’s in trouble?

CLEA
Well, not always. I mean, I don’t know anything about your relationship… (Alice nods her head)

ALICE
I think it might be in trouble. (Clea leans in to kiss Alice. Right before their lips meet, Alice pulls
away) I can’t.

CLEA
I’m sorry.

ALICE
I’m sorry. (long pause) Have you ever been in my situation?

CLEA
Yeah, once.

ALICE
Really? What’d you do?

CLEA
Um, I had a really great love affair but…I broke someone’s heart and I caused a lot of just general
chaos and destruction, so.

ALICE
Yeah. Sounds good. My friend Helena says whatever starts in chaos ends in chaos, so it’s…

201
CLEA
Yeah. Your friend knows what she’s talking about. (long pause) I promised myself that I would
never do that again.

ALICE
But you just tried to kiss me!

CLEA
Yes, I did.

ALICE
It didn’t really work out did it.

CLEA
It’s very difficult to stand by your convictions when someone is like, sexy and smart and amazing
who you’re super attracted to, it’s like…(laughs)

Interior – Restaurant.

ALICE
I met someone.

SHANE
Oh! I knew it! I knew it! I knew it. Is that why she’s drinking? (looks at Tasha)

ALICE
No, I mean, I, she doesn’t know and I haven’t done anything. I mean, I have not acted on this, I
swearsies. (makes hand gesture)

SHANE
But you want to.

ALICE
Yeah, I do. But I know, you know, I know that the right thing to do is to work on this with Tasha,
it’s…it’s what I should do.

SHANE
Why, why? Who says you should? Why should you?

ALICE
Because we all just let our relationships blow up at the first little temptation. Nobody works on
their relationships anymore. It’s, everyone’s after instant gratification and I don’t want to be like
that.

SHANE
I agree. You’re right. But also, I’ve seen you in this thing from day one. And you’ve always been
giving it a chance. You both.

202
ALICE
I’ve worked hard.

SHANE
Yeah, you both have. And so maybe now you’ve come to a point where you realize you…you
want something different. And that’s okay.

ALICE
Yeah, but everything she went through with the trial and giving up everything she believes in...

SHANE
It has nothing to do with you. It never had anything to do with you. You have the right to be
happy. It’s your human right to be happy. Who is she?

ALICE
I don’t wanna say. I can’t say it, it makes it too real! Oh, you’re gonna die.

Season Six:
Episode #63 (1): “Long Night’s Journey Into Day,” January 18, 2009
On the sixth and final season of The L Word, careers evolve, relationships are tested and
friendships end in murder. It begins with Jenny found dead! As a result, everyone’s lives are
turned upside down leaving all the friends despondent but all suspects – who did it and how did it
happen? Flashbacks of the months leading up to the murder will be the only way to put the pieces
together to learn why.

Alice Pieszecki Highlights:

Interior – Papi’s house – Kitchen – Night. Alice picks up a figurine.

ALICE
(sarcasm) Beautiful. Mm.

TASHA
You got a problem with it?

ALICE
You have to admit, it’s a little tacky.

TASHA
It’s her culture, it’s not tacky.

ALICE
Oh, come on. Look at the hat! (points to the figurine)

TASHA
(shakes her head in disbelief) There you go, that’s our problem.

ALICE
There’s no problem, I’m just saying—I’m not saying you would buy this. You don’t have these.

203
PAPI
Don’t mind us. (walks into kitchen with Gabby Devoux behind her)

TASHA
(Alice sits down) You’re a snob.

ALICE
What?

TASHA
You weren’t like this when I first met you.

GABBY
Actually, she was a wannabe, and now she’s a wannabe with money. Ever think about investing
in a stylist with all that money, Alice?

TASHA
You need to watch your mouth.

GABBY
Oh, Alice has a big butch daddy to protect her! (to Papi) Can you give me the liverwurst one?

ALICE
You sure that’s liverwurst I smell?

GABBY
I wonder if your friend knows that her girlfriend used to be nicknamed “Crash” because she used
to show up to parties that she wasn’t invited to. (takes a bite of sandwich)

ALICE
(Gabby and Papi leave) (closes her eyes and sighs) That’s what my life used to be like, right
there. You’re the best person I’ve ever met. You’re…strong, you’re honest, you’re
beautiful…I’m not ready to lose you.

Episode #64 (2): “Least Likely,” January 25, 2009
Bette and Tina talk about expanding their family and beginning a new life but the plan could be
ruined when Bette bumps into an old friend with dangerous potential; Alice and Tasha ponder
their compatibility as they seek counseling; an old flame appears sending Helena reeling; and
Max is faced with an extraordinary situation.

Alice Pieszecki Highlights:

Interior – The Planet – Day.
TINA
Wow, everyone’s so industrious. What are you doing?

TASHA
(holds up police academy binder) Studying.

204
JENNY
I’m writing my new treatment.

TINA
What are you writing, Alice?

ALICE
Um… (looks at Jenny) A treatment.

JENNY
A treatment for a film?

ALICE
I just—I had this kind of killer idea, so I thought I’ll just write a great screenplay and then sell it
for millions and buy a house in Malibu. (shrugs)

TASHA
I don’t like Malibu.

ALICE
You’ve never been to Malibu.

TASHA
I have been there.

TINA
(to Alice) I didn’t know you wanted to be a screenwriter.

ALICE
Well, I mean, you know, I never really did. Really, but I thought, how hard can it be? Right?
Jenny? I mean, it’s like you get paid big time.

JENNY
Um-hm…um, uh, well, if you, actually Alice, if you were to amortize the payment of the
seventeen drafts that I did of Lez Girls, you would see that you actually don’t get paid very much,
so.

BETTE
(to Shane) Alice is writing a treatment for a script. Hope we’re not in it.

KIT
Amen to that.

TINA
Actually, writing a good screenplay is what’s really hard. And Jenny’s become a very good
screenwriter.

JENNY
Thank you, Tina.

205
TINA
You should ask her to read your treatment.

ALICE
(long pause) Sure. Sure, sure, sure.

JENNY
I would…love to give you notes. Mm-hm.

ALICE
(looks at Tasha eating a breakfast burrito)

TASHA
What? I need to carbs for training!

ALICE
Well do you need them that fast? You’re getting crumbs all over your suit.

TINA
(Tasha gets up from the table) Wow. You look amazing.

TASHA
Thank you.

ALICE
I dressed her. (laughs) Do a little spinsys, come on.

TASHA
No. (sits down)

ALICE
It’s her first day at the police academy so…

…
ALICE
You looked so good in that. You know it. You just hate to look good, or something.

TASHA
What the fuck is that supposed to mean?

ALICE
I-I-There’s like, a lack of effort.

…
TINA
When are you guys gonna go to therapy?

TASHA
(long pause) There’s a thing called privacy, Alice.

206
Interior – Therapist’s office.

THERAPIST
Who wants to tell me why you’re here?

ALICE
Oh, we’re just here for a tune up.

THERAPIST
Does that seem like an accurate assessment to you, Tasha?

ALICE
She’s the one that called it that. We’ve just had a couple of little, little things come up lately.

THERAPIST
(pause) What sort of little things?

ALICE
Money. I make a lot more than she does.

THERAPIST
How does that make you feel, Tasha?

ALICE
Resentful. She doesn’t want me to spend as much because she can’t afford it.

THERAPIST
Is that true? (looks at Tasha)

ALICE
Absolutely. We couldn’t even get a bigger apartment because she couldn’t share the rent 50/50.
And I also think she resents me because I don’t clean as much as she does.

THERAPIST
(looks at Tasha) Do you?

ALICE
(looks at Tasha) Oh, look. Now she’s mad.

THERAPIST
(long pause) Is there anything else?

ALICE
(pause) Tasha broke up with me last week.

THERAPIST
Really? Why did you break up with Alice, Tasha?

ALICE
Because she thought I cheated when I didn’t even kiss the girl.

207
THERAPIST
(long pause) Did you…think about it?

ALICE
Yeah, but, I mean, she wouldn’t have even known if I hadn’t told her so I think the mere fact that
I disclosed the information should count to something. Right?

THERAPIST
But if you knew Tasha’s feelings about the subject of cheating, why did you choose to tell her?

ALICE
(pause) I think we’re past it. Um…I think what we have to work on—

THERAPIST
Alice. This is called “couples therapy” for a reason. Now, Tasha. This process works much more
effectively if you participate. Why do you think Alice told you?

ALICE
(long pause) She doesn’t even want to be here. (therapist gives her a silencing look)

TASHA
I think that she told me because she wanted to break up with me and bringing this woman
between us was the easiest way to do that. She knew how I felt, she knew that I would break up
with her and when I did, she got scared. And that’s why we’re here.

ALICE
(rolls her eyes and looks the other way)

23:45 Interior – Therapist’s office – Day. Alice and Tasha are holding each others hands and
facing each other on the sofa.

ALICE
I promise to make room in the apartment for your things.

TASHA
And, um, I promise to try to see things from your point of view and to not talk to you with so
much judgment. And tomorrow when I wake up, for work, I’m gonna make you breakfast.
(laughs)

ALICE
I liked that! See? It was good, right?

TASHA
Yeah, no, it was good. (therapist stares at them)

ALICE
So, uh, are you gonna give us more exercises or…I mean, maybe some homework, I think we’re
ready for some homework.

208
TASHA
Yeah, I’m ready, bring it on.

ALICE
Yeah.
THERAPIST
I’m not gonna give you homework. I don’t think you two should be in therapy.

TASHA
That’s what I said. See?

ALICE
We rock. (she and Tasha laugh)

THERAPIST
You two have so little in common…I really don’t think you belong together. (the girls stop
laughing)

Interior – Parking garage.

ALICE
I mean, what the fuck? It’s like, we spent what, fifty-five minutes with this guy? I mean, where
does he fucking get off?

TASHA
I told you. Therapy’s bullshit.

ALICE
It’s bullshit, you’re right.

TASHA
He knows nothing about what we do and don’t have in common.

ALICE
I mean, what the hell is talking about, we don’t have anything in common? Really? Dan?

TASHA
I know. No, it’s crazy. Give me my helmet. Thank you.

ALICE
Upsetting. I’ll see you tonight. (they kiss) Come here.

Interior – Television studio.

SHAUNDRA
And we’re back on The Look and you’ve all been waiting patiently to hear what secrets Alice
Pieszecki has to share with us today.

209
ALICE
Thank you for that great intro, Shaundra, but ‘secrets’ makes it sound a little dirty.

MARY
‘Dirty,’ Alice, is in the eye of the beholder.

ALICE
Well, that may be my point, Mary. Um, I know a lot of you think of me as the keeper of these
dirty little gay secrets, but I received a letter last week and it made me think a lot about things
I’ve done. So I thought, today, I would share something a little intimate with you.

SHAUNDRA
Oh. Goody! (laughs)

ALICE
(reading) Dear Ms. Pieszecki. They spelled it right there, which I appreciate. (clears throat) I’m
writing to you because you might be able to help people understand what I’m going through. For
the last three weeks, my brother Wade has been on life support. I have been in the hospital every
day praying for a miracle, but this morning, I watched them lower my big brothers coffin into the
ground.

MARY
(whispers to Shandra) I don’t understand who this is.

ALICE
My brother’s dead because he wrote a love letter to a guy named Marcus and Marcus shot him in
the face. I’m writing to ask you to please tell your viewers that it is not okay to hurt gay people.
We didn’t do anything the them, so why can’t they just leave us alone? (pause) Um, I-I know I’ve
been, um. (clears throat) I know I’ve justified outing in the past, saying it’s a political act. Uh, I
certainly do believe that the world would be better if people felt free and safe enough to be who
they really are. Um, but what I forgot was some people choose to stay in the closet for other
reasons. One of those reasons is homophobia is alive and well and often times in this country, it
can be deadly. (long pause) So. Just wanted to share that. Thank you.

MARY
Thank you very much, Alice, for bringing that to our attention.

ALICE
You’re welcome.

MARY
Right now, we’re going to go to a commercial and when we come back, we’re going to discuss
how to dress for spring. Don’t go away.

Interior – Alice’s apartment. Alice is flipping through her closet.

210
ALICE
I guess hate crimes are not fun gay, they’re depressing gay. And I’m gonna go to this fucking 7
o’clock meeting where I’m gonna get fired. And I’m just gonna go in, I’m gonna say, people, I
am sorry, okay, for what I did and I’m gonna beg for this job back. I can’t have this happen! Oh,
God. I don’t know. What about… (holds up a dress) This would be good, right?

TASHA
(shakes her head) Nope.

ALICE
Why?

TASHA
I don’t like it. It’s too something, I don’t know. But wait, but you’re not sorry.

ALICE
I will be sorry if I lose this job. I do not like being broke.

TASHA
But Alice, you don’t always get rewarded for doing the right thing. I mean, some people get
punished, I got punished.

ALICE
Are you really going to make this about you right now? Are you really gonna do that, make it
about the fucking Army right now? (phone rings) I am not here. Fuck, I have no fucking clothes!

TASHA
(answers phone) Hello. Alice, it’s some woman from the L.A. gay and lesbian center.

ALICE
This? (holds another dress in front of her) (TASHA crosstalk: No, no.) Tell her I donated last
year. I don’t have time for this! Can you help me?

TASHA
Hi, she’s not here. Can I take a message? (long pause, she looks up in surprise)

Exterior – L.A. gay and lesbian center ledge – Night.

ALICE
Hi. Well, I came to the ledge.

KID
What, is this like part of your show or something? Did you bring a camera crew?

ALICE
Is that what you want? Do you wanna be on TV?

KID
Fuck you!

211
ALICE
No, I don’t have a camera crew with me. I’m gonna be fired.

KID
Why?

ALICE
Well…they didn’t really like that I read your letter on the air. And the producers on my show,
they got, they got really pissed.

KID
I’m sorry.

ALICE
I’m not, you know. You know what? I mean, millions, millions of people heard the truth today.
They heard what you had to say. They did, I mean, you changed the world a little bit when you
wrote me that letter. You really did. And…if you stick around, you could, you could help change
it a lot more.

KID
Is that what you’re trying to do? Trying to change the world?

ALICE
I don’t know, maybe I am in my own little way.

Episode #65 (3): “LMFAO,” February 1, 2009
The negative of Lez Girls goes missing; Shane’s guilt from her intimate moment with Niki leads
to her incessant apologizing to Jenny; Alice’s feelings are hurt when Jenny denounces her desire
to write a screenplay; Phyllis lets Bette in on a suppressed secret; and it’s opening night at Kit and
Helena’s new club, HIT!

Episode #66 (4): “Leaving Los Angeles,” February 8, 2009
Shane and Jenny are still melting over each other; Bette and Tina go to Nevada to meet a
potential birth mother; Max is trying to deal with being pregnant; Alice and Tasha play
matchmaker; and Kelly Wentworth may have what Bette needs.

Alice Pieszecki Highlights:

Interior – The Planet – Day.
ALICE
Well, they’re still on each other.

TASHA
Like white on rice.

ALICE
Uh!

TASHA
What?

212
ALICE
Uh, you just gossiped!

TASHA
That was an observation!

ALICE
You don’t have to get defensive. We’re…developing similar interests. Gossip.

Exterior – The Planet – Night. The girls are sitting around a dining table passing around Dylan’s
business card.

ALICE
It’s like she’s a buzzard and she’s waiting to swoop down and eat what’s left of your carcass.

HELENA
Lovely image, Alice, thank you.

ALICE
You guys, we have to figure out someone who we can set her up with.

HELENA
Wa—No, no, no, I don’t want to be fixed up with anybody.

ALICE
Shh, we’re trying to think. Just…

JENNY
Jody! (group groans)

ALICE
What is this, recycling plastic paper lesbians? Someone new, someone fresh!

TASHA
What about Jamie?

ALICE
Oh my God, you’re brilliant!

TASHA
Right?

ALICE
You’re brilliant! My girlfriend’s brilliant!

KIT
Of course she’s brilliant!

HELENA
Who’s Jamie?

213
ALICE
You guys, okay, this girl, we recently met her, she’s rad, we went bowling with her, her name’s
Jamie Chen—

TASHA
Yeah, she’s the director of youth and family services at the L.A. gay and lesbian center—

ALICE
And she is beautiful.

TASHA
Yeah. And she’s very, very dedicated…which is a great thing.

ALICE
Yeah. And she’s single. Which we know is very rare. So, I see nothing wrong.

TASHA
Yeah.

ALICE
I think we should—I think—I’m callin’. I’m gonna do this thing.

TASHA
Oh wait, no, let me call.

ALICE
(waves her off) No, I got it.

HELENA
Suddenly I don’t have a say in the matter or what? (everyone responds with a no)

ALICE
(on the phone) Hey, Jamie, it’s Alice. Hi…I know…we had a good time too. When I dropped the
ball? (laughs) Listen, I’m at The Planet with Tasha and um, we were just talking about this little
idea, I wanted to run by you…Yeah, no, she’s here, yeah…Tash! (calls Tasha over) She wants to
say something. (hands the phone to Tasha) Here.

TASHA
(on the phone) Hello? (laughs) Hey…Oh! (laughs)

ALICE
What, what?

TASHA
No…(laughs) No, I’ll totally help you, I will. Yeah, for sure. Okay. Yeah. (laughs) Okay. All
right. No, I’m gonna hand you back to Al, I’m gonna give you back to Alice. Bye. She just
bought a 56 Norten Dominator. (Alice shrugs) It’s a motorcycle.

214
ALICE
Okay, so, um…I want you to say yes, okay, because you’re gonna thank me at your wedding, um,
we want to set you up with a really good friend of ours. Yeah, her name’s Helena.
Peabody…Yeah. No, she’s in the same place, so that’s perfect! What do you thin—Great! Okay.
You’re gonna totally thank me. Okay, you’re the best. We’ll call and we’ll arrange it. All right,
bye! (to Tasha and Helena) Yes! We should have like a dinner, or something.

Interior – Mexican restaurant – Day.

ALICE
Hi!

SHANE
Hi!

ALICE
Jamie’s like weirdly perfect. You know?

SHANE
Yeah?

ALICE
Yeah, she’s gonna come over early tonight and…we’re gonna cook. We’re gonna make like a
vegetarian thing. Isn’t that weird though? That we’re both vegetarian?

SHANE
Uh…You’re not a vegetarian.

ALICE
I’ve been eating so many vegetables lately…Like, extra. Extra vegetables.

SHANE
Cool. How about Helena?

ALICE
What about her?

SHANE
She’s not vegetarian.

ALICE
No, but neither is Tasha.

SHANE
True.

ALICE
Everyone’s coming over because we’re all broke.

215
SHANE
Helena’s not broke.

ALICE
But Jamie’s not a gold digger, like Dillon. So that’s why we’re not eating out.

SHANE
That sounds great.

ALICE
In fact, I feel that she’s kind of the most honest, self-sacrificing person I’ve met in a really, really
long time. I’m just saying she’s a new friend, and I’m excited and… (shrugs) I just want
everything to be perfect tonight, that’s all.

SHANE
For you or for Helena?

ALICE
(rolls her eyes) Why is Jenny here?

Episode #67 (5): “Litmus Test,” February 15, 2009
Jenny writes another script that sells; Bette and Kelly go into business; Alice and Tasha have a
third-person crush in their relationship; the girls plot a sting operation to test Dylan; and, Jenny
encroaches more on Shane.

Alice Pieszecki Highlights:

Interior – The Planet – Day.

TINA
No, this one’s completely different! It’s an action comedy about a talk show host and a cop. And
the talk show host gets embroiled in this like, murder mystery? But the movie really revolves
around the romance between the talk show host and the cop. It’s kind of like a Foul Play meets,
um—

ALICE
Mr. and Mrs. Smith?

TINA
Yeah! Sort of. Except for this is going to be huge. It’s a great concept. Big blockbuster
potential— (ALICE crosstalk: Oh my…You guys…)

ALICE
You guys! You…That’s my story!

BETTE & TINA
What?
ALICE
Th-That’s my story! God! (gets up from table) Schecter is so fucking dead!

216

Interior – Jenny’s house – Day.
JENNY
Hi.

ALICE
Half a million dollars?!

JENNY
Excuse me?

ALICE
You sold your screenplay for half a million dollars?!

JENNY
Yeah…I’m so relieved. Shane’s taking me out tonight to go to dinner to celebrate if you want to
come.

ALICE
Jenny! You stole my idea!

JENNY
What are you talking about?

ALICE
The treatment that I gave you about the screenplay that I was gonna write! With the, with the talk
show host who falls for the cop who gets involved in a murder plot. I believe, if I can remember
right, you said it was a terrible idea, I think your exact words were uh, ‘contrived,’ ‘boring,’
‘unsellable!’

JENNY
Right, that jumble of ideas that you gave me?

ALICE
The treatment! Yes!

JENNY
Oh, Alice, in no universe would that mishmash of ideas be considered a sellable treatment but for
your information, I’ve been working on a screenplay of my own for the couple of months and if it
happens to bear some resemblance to something you jotted down then it’s pure coincidence.

ALICE
Oh my God.

JENNY
It happens all the time in Hollywood.

217
ALICE
Where people steal their friends ideas and they sell them off as their own, is that what you’re
trying to say?

JENNY
No. It’s something called the idea well, okay?

ALICE
Oh my God.

JENNY
There’s a well. All of the writers drink from the same fountain, okay? But! It takes genius, talent,
craftsmanship to take a kernel of an idea and turn it into, ta-da! A sellable screenplay. Okay?

ALICE
Jenny, you are so fucking full of shit.

SHANE
Hey. What’s going on? Hi.

ALICE
She’s crossed the fucking line, Shane, she’s fucking crossed it. I swear, this is how it’s gonna be
if you, if you continue to shack up with this fucking lying, stealing snake in the fucking grass I
swear to God I cannot consider you to be my friend anymore. (walks toward the door to leave)

SHANE
Alice…Alice!

ALICE
This is a fucking joke.

Episode #68 (6): “Lactose Intolerant,” February 22, 2009
Jenny throws a baby shower for Max; Bette and Tina hit a roadblock in the adoption process;
Bette goes solo to her gallery’s opening night celebration leading Kelly to go in for the kill;
Shane is feeling boxed in by Jenny; and Alice starts to feel like three is a crowd.

Episode #69 (7): “Last Couple Standing,” March 1, 2009
The Los Angeles Gay & Lesbian Center dance marathon is on; someone is moving to the Big
Apple; rumors fly fast around the dance floor that Alice and Tasha may be in couple trouble and
the HIT!’s new MC makes a shocking revelation to Kit.

Alice Pieszecki Highlights:

Interior – The Griffith Youth Center – The characters are at the L.A. Gay & Lesbian Center
Children, Youth & Family Services 2009 Dance Marathon. The dance marathon is called Dance
Thru The Decades.

ALICE
Listen. I hope you brought your dancing Blahniks because Tasha, Jamie and I are gonna wipe the
floor with you. Our routine kills. Kills!

218
BETTE
Oh.

ALICE
Do you wanna know what it is?

BETTE
Not really.

ALICE
Oh, I see. You’re trying to psych me out. Acting like you don’t care. I know you care. Listen.
You tell me yours, I’ll tell you mine.

BETTE
Mmm, no.

ALICE
These your outfits?

BETTE
Don’t touch that. Mm-hm. What, is that, is that all you got? (refers to Alice’s clothing)

ALICE
Oh, yeah, oh, first of many. So many more to come.

BETTE
Oh, good, cause I was worried.

ALICE
What do they look like?

BETTE
Oh, wouldn’t you like to know.

ALICE
Why are you so competitive?

BETTE
Me? What about you?

ALICE
All right, I gotta tell you something, come here. Come here, I have a secret.

BETTE
(sighs) What.

ALICE
I plan to sweep this thing, okay? Win all three competitions: best dance, most money raised, last
couple standing…

219
BETTE
Last couple standing?

ALICE
You know, for charity.

BETTE
Okay.

ALICE
Okay. You good? Don’t tell anybody. Kay. (walks off)

BETTE
Hey Alice!

ALICE
Yeah?

BETTE
Look what you’ve done. (gestures to the surroundings)

ALICE
(looks around) I know, right?

Interior – Dressing room. Bette and Tina are talking and Alice pops out of a dressing room stall.

ALICE
Who’s moving to New York? Not you guys.

TINA
No, no, we, we just, I got offered a job and um. (to Bette) I’m not gonna take it. I’m not.

BETTE
We still need to talk about it.

ALICE
Yeah. We do need to talk about it.

TINA
Look, our life is here. We live here. Okay? It’s crazy!

ALICE
Your friends are here! Hello! And Bette, by the way, your work is here. You just had a really big
gallery opening.

TINA
And we just rebuilt our house.

220
ALICE
Yeah, about that. You guys, can we talk? Are you really sure you want to have this girl move in
with you?

TINA
This girl is our birth mother, okay? Her name’s Marcy and we’re picking her up tomorrow. At
seven in the morning.

BETTE
And that’s why we can’t stay for the whole marathon.

ALICE
And you’re sure about that.

BETTE
Why, what are you trying to say?

ALICE
Have you not seen Baby Mama? Oh my God, it is so truthful, it’s like you’re all going to start out
happy, and then before you know it you’ll be waiting on her hand and foot, you’re going to be
scared to have sex in your own house…and she’s a teenager, she’s gonna hate you guys out of
principal.

BETTE
You know what? She’s 22 years old.

ALICE
Okay, so she’s gonna want to down like 50 beers after dinner, you can’t stop her. Or worse…

BETTE
What?

ALICE
One of you guys could end up having an affair with her.

BETTE
Alice!

TINA
Oh my God…

ALICE
You guys! You could get all lost in those mushy mama feelings and sock it to her one night.

BETTE
Okay. That’s enough.

ALICE
I’m just saying, it’s a possibility.

221
BETTE
No, it’s not a possibility. Okay? I am not a fucking loose cannon that just fucks everything that
walks, okay? I can be trusted.

ALICE
I didn’t say it was gonna be you. Is Marcy hot?

BETTE
Alice!

TINA
Freaking stop it.

ALICE
Oh, you guys…you’re bringing me down. Yeah, kay.

Interior – Dressing room. Shane is unhappily getting ready to go on stage to perform her duet
with Jenny.

ALICE
Oh, so, you really give a fuck, don’t ya.

SHANE
Come on, Alice, does this look like it’s my thing?

ALICE
What is your thing? God. What’s gonna make you happy these days?

SHANE
Just don’t. Not today. I don’t want to hear it.

ALICE
Why?

SHANE
Because, Al, this is what it is.

ALICE
No it’s not. It’s what you let it be.

Interior – Griffith Family Center. Alice and Tasha are slow dancing.

ALICE
I want you to know I’ve…I’ve never loved you more. And I want you to be happy. Do you want
to be with Jamie?

TASHA
I don’t…I don’t know—

222
ALICE
It’s okay.

TASHA
I’m not ready to let you go.

HOST
Ladies and gentleman, we have our last couple standing.

Episode #70 (8): “Last Word,” March 8, 2009
In the final episode of the series, what starts out as a celebration of friendship quickly ends in a
web of betrayal and deceit; the girls find themselves being investigated about Jenny’s untimely
death by Sergeant Duffy.

Alice Pieszecki Highlights:

Interior – The Planet – Day. Alice, Tasha and Jamie silently sit around a table.

ALICE
(to Jamie) I love Tasha. I don’t think you understand how much. (to Tasha) I don’t think you
realize, either.

TASHA
And I love you, too.

ALICE
I guess I’m just…asking you guys to be honest. About what’s going on.

JAMIE
Alice, I swear to you, nothing has happened between us.

ALICE
I know nothing’s happened between you. Physically. I’m sure you guys haven’t even admitted it
to yourselves. (to Tasha) I know you think thinking is cheating so…(to Jamie) I’m sure you think
the same thing!

(waitress serves them food, Tasha and Jamie ordered the same thing. Alice gestures to the similar
plates in disgust)

Just…be fucking truthful about your feelings! It’s obviously out of your control.

TASHA
I’m not gonna accept that.

ALICE
Well, you have to accept it. You can’t…All the military training in the world doesn’t help you,
you know, control feelings, you can’t, I’m giving you chance here to just be honest with me, just
tell me—

223
JAMIE
Okay, yeah. It’s true. I’m only speaking for myself but yeah, I think I have fallen in love with
Tasha. So there it is.

ALICE
Thank you. And fuck you!

JAMIE
God, I am so sorry, Alice.

ALICE
Fuck you!

JAMIE
You gotta believe me, this was the last thing I ever wanted to happen. First and foremost, I have
so much respect for both of you. And for your relationship. And I cherish this friendship. Plus, I
don’t even…think, Tasha…

ALICE
Oh, she does.

ALICE
(to Tasha) Go, you’re free.

JAMIE
No, no, no, God, please, do not break up because of me.

TASHA
We’re not. (to Alice) Don’t do this.

ALICE
When we have sex, I don’t close my eyes and imagine someone else naked in the shower.

TASHA
Fuck you.

JAMIE
Guys, just please don’t…You love each other, just get me out of the equation and everything will
go back to the way it is—

ALICE
Will you shut the fuck up, please? Just shut the fuck up! You, wow, you guys should just, you
should give it a try. That’s a great idea.

TASHA
Try what? What the fuck does that mean?

ALICE
Just fucking try it! Just…if you don’t call me by the same time tomorrow, I’ll know you made up
your mind about what it is you want.

224
TASHA
This is not, this has never happened to me before. Alice, you know I live the life of honor and
duty.

ALICE
Well, I don’t want you to stay with me out of a sense of duty. Don’t stay with me because it’s the
right thing to do. (gets up from the table)

JAMIE
Alice…

ALICE
Save it! Shut up.

Interior – Interrogation room.

ALICE
The only person that I ever really loved as much as Tasha was Dana. Dana Fairbanks.

INTERROGATOR
And Dana broke your heart as well.

ALICE
She broke my heart and then she got sick.

Interior – Alice’s bedroom. Alice is talking on the phone with Shane.

ALICE
She still hasn’t called. Which can mean only one thing. Their having like a sexcapade. (bites off a
piece of a Red Vine)

SHANE
Al, you can’t keep doing this to yourself, it’s crazy!

ALICE
I’m sure they have great sex, you know? They have so much in common. She’s probably like,
(imitating Tasha) “Do you like it when I touch you like that? Cause I like it when you touch me
like that.” You know? Where it’s the same. Or, (imitating Jamie) “Oh my God, I can’t believe
your nipples get hard when I lick them cause my nipples get hard when you lick mine!” You
know, eventually they should just stop having sex cause, they’re so the same, they could just
masturbate, it would be the same thing. (takes a drink of alcohol)

Interior – Alice’s bedroom – Day. Alice is talking on the phone with Helena.

ALICE
No, I meant cause Dillon was at Jenny’s studio, I mean, Shane’s studio, excuse me. So I thought
she was helping Jenny work on the video.

225
HELENA
She’s what, she’s working on the video?

ALICE
Well. Isn’t she helping Jenny edit?

HELENA
I don’t know. Is she?

ALICE
I’m, Shane saw her there earlier, so we just figured she was helping her out. Well, actually at first
we thought that maybe they were having an affair and I was like yay, but then I realized that
would suck for you. (laughs) But yeah, Dillon’s an editor, right? So…I thought maybe she was
helping Jenny…edit. I thought that’s why she was over at her studio. Shane’s studio.

HELENA
Yeah, thank—thanks for that. (hangs up the phone)

Exterior – Bette and Tina’s backyard – Night.

ALICE
Wow, the house looks fucking incredible! Hey!

BETTE
Hey, can I get you a drink?

ALICE
Yeah, um…Captain Morgan’s and Coke. It’s my fourth of the day.

BETTE
Nice work.

ALICE
I started at eleven.

HELENA
God. You go, girl. (raises her glass) Here’s to you, Alice.

ALICE
Drinking my way through it.

HELENA
She still hasn’t called? Eh, I’m sorry.

226
Exterior – Jenny and Shane’s porch – Night.

ALICE
I have to tell you something about Jenny. I’ve decided to forgive her and…make peace with her.
I…

SHANE
Why?

ALICE
I’m alone now, and I need my friends, and…you guys are gonna be together. It’s…

SHANE
We’re not together.

ALICE
I thought you said you couldn’t break up with her.

SHANE
That was then.

Interior – Interrogation room.

ALICE
What does this…have to do with who killed Jenny? I don’t understand at all, these questions.

INTERROGATOR
So you think someone killed Jenny?

Abstract (if available)

Abstract The purpose of this paper is to examine the character of Alice Pieszecki and how she fits with such mainstream images as the female reporter, tabloid reporter, and magazine reporter in film, as well as to understand how she uniquely contributes to the image of the gay female journalist on television. The groundbreaking Showtime series The L Word (Seasons One through Six) depicts Alice, played by actress Leisha Hailey, as a writer for L.A. Magazine, a radio broadcaster for NPR Santa Monica station KCRW- FM, and a co-host on the television talk show The Look. Alice also creates a Web site for Our Chart, a diagram that shows who has slept with whom and how everyone is connected, where she posts her podcast, Alice in Lesboland.

Linked assets

University of Southern California Dissertations and Theses

Conceptually similar

PDF

The lovesick journalist: the image of the female journalist in Danielle Steel’s novels

PDF

Two-faced: the image of the female political journalist in American film

PDF

N is for News: the image of the journalist on Sesame Street

PDF

Fashion transgressions and crimes of style: the image of the female fashion journalist

PDF

L.A. = Little Armenia: the story of the Armenian diaspora in Los Angeles today

PDF

The economy crunch: a multimedia website devoted to the economy and what we eat

Asset Metadata

Creator Hanamura, Traci (author)

Core Title The image of the journalist as loyal, loquacious and lively: Alice Pieszecki in The L word

School Annenberg School for Communication

Degree Master of Arts

Degree Program Journalism (Print Journalism)

Publication Date 05/05/2010

Defense Date 05/14/2010

Publisher University of Southern California (original), University of Southern California. Libraries (digital)

Tag Alice Pieszecki,Gay,gay journalist,IJPC,image of the gay journalist,image of the journalist,journalist,lesbian,lesbian journalist,OAI-PMH Harvest,the L word

Place Name California (states), Los Angeles (city or populated place)

Language English

Contributor Electronically uploaded by the author (provenance)

Advisor Saltzman, Joseph (committee chair), Celis, William (committee member), Trope, Alison (committee member)

Creator Email thanamur@usc.edu,tlhanamura@gmail.com

Permanent Link (DOI) https://doi.org/10.25549/usctheses-m3005

Unique identifier UC174684

Identifier etd-Hanamura-3638 (filename),usctheses-m40 (legacy collection record id),usctheses-c127-403954 (legacy record id),usctheses-m3005 (legacy record id)

Legacy Identifier etd-Hanamura-3638.pdf

Dmrecord 403954

Document Type Thesis

Rights Hanamura, Traci

Type texts

Source University of Southern California (contributing entity), University of Southern California Dissertations and Theses (collection)

Repository Name Libraries, University of Southern California

Repository Location Los Angeles, California

Repository Email cisadmin@lib.usc.edu